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Help me please
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Help me please

I.m 30 year old and I recently divorced after being with my wife for 11 years. I left her for another woman because i found the love of my life. I really love my girlfiriend more than anything in the world but things are not easy for me. The first time i made love with someone whilst feeling in love is a year ago to my girlfriend, the first time i felt this fullfillment. With my ex wife (i met her when i was 19) due to religius and other medical reasons on her begalf,i didnt have a normal sex life with her although i loved her a lot. Before that i wasted my youth being in love with a woman that didnt want me so from the ages of 15-19 i didnt have any experiences worth mentioning. And here comes my problem, with my girlfriend we started our relatinoship whilst i was married and she refused to have sex with me for 3 months, although in the past she never made any of her previous boyfriends wait that long, she had done one night stands and there is also the case of her "big love" that after she met for one hour in a bar she fell in love and travelled abroad to find him and they spent a whole weekend of fun and sex. When i think of all this and how spontaneous she was and how she could follow her heart all other times with people she loved or didnt love i get very sad and upset and i spend hours crying on my own, feeling really pity for my self and totally worthless. Sometimes she sees im sad and i tell her why, her excuse was that i was married and she was scared but somehow im not really convinced. She shows me that she loves me a lot and she says I'm the one for her but i dont know if she really mean it, i feel very insecure. I feel that she cannot understand me because she had a normal adulthood full of experiences and now she says that i bring her happiness and fulfillment. She brings me a lot of happiness too and im really in love and deeply love her but these 3 months of waiting i believe have left a very deep scar on my heart, i always compare myself with other men in her life that she gave herself to so easily and i think that somehow i wasnt capable of winning her and i had to fight for her love, whilst the others got it for "free". It really drops my self esteem to the bottom and I dont like feeling that way. I really want to protect my relationship with her as there is nothing more important in this world for me than her but im scared. I dont want the past to affect and poison the relationship that we have now. Sometimes also i ask myself what if after 10 years another woman shows up and is prepared to give herself to me fully and unconditionally from the start no matter what? The same way i was always ready and willing to give myself unconditionally to the woman i love? I have really fought hard for my relationship wth my girlfriend and is the best thing that happen to me and i want to protect it. How can i erase this dark side? What should i do? Please help me.....
14 Comments Post a Comment
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134578_tn?1383690151
If you were to meet someone in the future who is willing to give herself to you fully and unconditionally despite your being married, she would not be someone with very high standards, and it sounds as though you would soon enough be brooding that she had such low moral standards that she slept with a married man.  Obviously your marriage meant little enough to you, if you would throw it over for someone else, but the fact of you being married (no matter how little you cared) clearly meant a lot to her.  A deal-breaker for her is a man being married, no matter how adventurous and fun-loving she is, and that is NOT a bad deal-breaker to have.  Unlike your standards, which seem to be sleep with whomever you want as long as you can label them the "love of your life."

So, is she the love of your life or not?  If not, do her a favor and get your confused and blaming self out of her life, so she can go on to a man who appreciates her.  I'm glad to hear there are women in the world who, no matter how sexually adventurous, draw the line at poaching another woman's husband.
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Avatar_f_tn
Im asking for help and what you do is be judgmental with me. i really dont need ethics and values lesson from anyone, you dont have the right to give me this and it is not what i ased, Can you tell me anything constructive?
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13167_tn?1327197724
Ditto what Annie said.  

No one will give themselves to you "fully and unconditionally from the start",  unless they have some kind of personality disorder.  Why would a woman give herself to you unconditionally when you first meet her?

Eeks,  that actually sounds like the plot from Fatal Attraction.

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134578_tn?1383690151
My advice above is for you to decide what you want and how you feel about her, and to act accordingly.  If you are happy with her, get over your sulks over perceived discounts from her in the past.  If you are not happy with her or cannot get over the perceived discounts, then leave.  Don't stay high-centered in dissatisfaction because (though you have won her now) you feel she did not properly show her joy at your interest back when you were still a married man.  Nothing is worse than staying where you are unhappy but not moving either.  I must give up, on convincing you that you actually are involved now with a woman who has some moral character and that is to be admired.  Apparently being reminded that you are overlooking something good in your girlfriend is unwelcome to you.
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Avatar_f_tn
Point take, i think i misunderstood you on the frst post, thanks for the advice!
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Avatar_f_tn
OK fair enough, but she has done with others in the past that she says mean nothin to her compared to what she feels for me. The married bit i think its just an excuse as i believe when she decided to get involed with me she knew what she was getting into.
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134578_tn?1383690151
Grudges are a waste of time.  Either be with her wholeheartedly or leave the situation.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Her Morals, Standards, Values are Higher than Your own.

I agree with the others here - She is to be commended for not sleeping around with married men.

Keep this up and You'll drive Her away.

Don't bother to complain that I'm "judging" You.

We ALL have our Own Personal "Judgement" of any given Situation, Place or Thing - (even You seem to be "judging" Your GirlFriend based on Your OPINION of what She "should" have done!)  Judgement is Opinion - it gives us the Ability to decide what We think is Right or Wrong, Good or Bad, etc., etc.

Remember - You came here asking for Advice (judgement, opinion) for Your situation.  No One here sought You out - You approached Us!  You are not always going to hear what You want to hear.  Take the Advice, "Judgement", Opinions that are useful to You and simply disregard what You don't want to hear.  It's really that simple.
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480448_tn?1397235344
When i think of all this and how spontaneous she was and how she could follow her heart all other times with people she loved or didnt love i get very sad and upset and i spend hours crying on my own, feeling really pity for my self and totally worthless

i always compare myself with other men in her life that she gave herself to so easily and i think that somehow i wasnt capable of winning her and i had to fight for her love, whilst the others got it for "free".

It's hard to decipher if you're talking about "love" or "sex".  At first I thought you were talking about love, but then your comments about her one night stands and how she gave so easily then, but not to you made me wonder if you're talking about being upset because she slept with strangers the first time she met them, yet made you wait for sex.

Does that sound about right?

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Avatar_f_tn
Hi Nursegirl,
I think you got it right more or less I didnt like the fact that she could do that. She sais that her feelings for me were overwhelming and she tells me that she only felt truly in love wih me and all her past seems so unimprtant compared to what she felt and feels for me and i must say i feel the same for her. But i can't help but ask how could she hold back when i couldnt, why did she test my patience to my limits? Is she telling me the truth about how she sees me or am i just the best choice for her compaed to what was available at the time?
And ok everyone talks that her moral values didnt let her do it but, a few months before we started our relationship she was inolved with another married man, they made out a few times, they slept in the same bed although not had sex but from the discussions i get that she would have slept with him if he had let it happen and they had a little more time available.
I can't help but compare myself to all these guys and especially the Italian guy that she traveled to italy to sleep with him after meeting him only for 1 hour in a bar and falling in love. When we were just friends she had admitted that he was her big love and now she tells me that he was a nothing compared to what she feels for me and what i mean to her.
I really want to get over all that and savour my relationship with her but these questions always pop in my mind especially after i left my wife of 11 years so that i could be with her and prove to her that she won my heart.
I'm a guy that at 19 i started my first long ter relation with my ex wife and waited 3 years in order to have sex with her (until we got married) and then another 2 years so that she could get over her psychological issues and be able to accept normal penetration, i respected her and shown patience as she put a lot of effort and she cared and i could see that.
But again i feel that all along my adulthood sex was like an exchange, in the first case i had to marry her in order for her to accept even trying..
The second time i had to wait until my ex would go on holiday so that we could do it as she put the term to me at the time that "we are not going to have sex and then you go" .  Why is suddenly ths a problem for her and it is not when she has experienced so many other things? where she was treated with a lot less respect than what i showed and still was happy to go ahead?
Im sorry to tire you im just trying to put accross my thoughts. I must admit that i consider these thoughts an ugly side in my psychology but it comes up once in a while.
To the rest of the people that have cotributed to the thread, disregarding if i liked or not the comments i will say a big thank you to everyone for taking time to read my problem and contribute with your comments.
Thanks everyone!
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Avatar_f_tn
Thats what i wanna d be there wholeheartly with no grudges, I would never ever leave her
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Avatar_f_tn
She CANNOT change Her past and neither can You.

YOU have to resolve this.

She is not responsible for Your feelings - Your emotions belong to YOU

It's pointless to fret over what can't be undone.  You should seek therapy to resolve the issues You have with Her past and the issues You have with Your own.  You seem to feel You've been "cheated" sexually by both Your Wife and Your GirlFriend.  
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134578_tn?1383690151
You really have to love her with a whole heart or decide clearly that you cannot.  You can't change any part of what happened in the past, either hers or yours, even if you feel sorry for yourself that you didn't get to have wild sexual adventures like she did. The past is not changeable.  It wouldn't be a bad idea at all to talk to a therapist, especially if you are stuck in self-pity and feeling worthless over the issue.  As it stands now, you'll kill your ability to enjoy the present with all of this unfinished business of jealousy and your unhappy marriage.  Talk to a good therapist and try to iron some of it out, so you can release some of the comparisons and enjoy your relationship if it is possible.
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480448_tn?1397235344
Amen...I totally agree with the ladies above.  Get yourself some help.  These are 100% YOUR issues and hang-ups that you're unfortunately trying to reflect back on her.  You can't do that, it's not fair.

Everyone has a past.  If our pasts determined the success of our future relationships, there would be close to ZERO relationships out there.
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