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Help with Boyfriend's devious son
I'm new here and hoping to find some support with dealing with my boyfriends son. It's pretty complicated. My BF ex wouldn't let her son see his father for 10 years. She had a RO on him and on the son. Well the son went looking for him, and found him, they went to the court and lifted the RO so they could see each other. It was overnight-that suddenly my BF came home, we live together, in a house I own from a previous marriage, and said his son was moving in with us, he hates his mother, doesn't get along with her. So at first the judge awarded him weekends only. This went on for 4 months. Having no children of my own I was hesitant, but know the pain he went through loosing his son, and I wanted him to have him back. For those months, he wasn't bad, nice and polite even though I was noticing some things about him-the first was he took some household things of mine and hid them in my home for his own use. I found them hidden in my basement, asked my BF about this and he just said I was crazy and he just needed them ( soap, towels, toothpaste) I told him you just don't go into someone's house and take what you want for yourself..in which my BF replied he's a kid (17) what do you expect and told me I was crazy and to let it go..well after my BF got full custody of him, because his mother, gave up all rights, she had the police there more then once because of his behavior. Now since there is a RO on my BF I have never met her to find out what this kid did in her home. . Once kid moved in, the nightmare began, he started making up lies about me-saying I drink all day, drink before work, which is BULLL...MY Bf even told him there is no way she does that, I would know and he just kept on and on about how it was true about me. While I was at work, they had some really awful fights, from the kid being out of control and just nasty, if he didn't get his way. He smoked pot and I come home to find a bong and other marijuana components in my home. I told BF he can not smoke in my house..I had told him I don't want any kids over, partying here..I said, I am the owner, I am responsible and he is underage. Nope never listened-I come home one night and find these kids smoking in my driveway..I flipped out on them and then, my Bf comes in yelling at me I embarrassed his son in in front of his friends..It got worse n worse..and the final draw was one night, I come home from work and they are having this huge fight where the kid was screaming how he hates living at my home, how I am always intruding in his space (geez..I thought I owned this house?) He doesn't want to abide to my rules..and that he just wanted to make a life with his father, and I am in their space..I am thinking...and this kid which made a complete pig stye of my basement, leaves trash everywhere, has not paid one dime of rent since he first started being at my home, that never threw out one piece of garbage..who I cooked for, brought food home for..he is just an ungrateful, unappreciative kid. That night I came outside after I hear more badmouthing, not thinking ahead, of what it would do to me and my BF relationship-told him to get out..Another thing I forgot to mention, I had went into my BF cell phone. This flipped the kid out. And in that phone I saw text from him saying how he wanted to sell pot to his friends and they would be coming to my house..now..people say to me I should not of went into my BF cell, but I have never been comfortable with this kid..I never trusted him. I had hid my jewelry and other things because I didn't trust him. I read tarot cards, and although many don't believe in that, it does work for me and all I was getting was bad, cards of a devious youth. I went into the phone because I had to find out what type of person was living in my home and I found out, and was in shock, because he was nice to my face but really badmouthing me terribly, calling me stupid among other things to my BF in that phone. I don't regret it because I found out. I then told him to get out, and my BF said we will leave now..Well to make a long story short, I been with BF for 7 years bf all of this.. We love each other and yes we fight and he can be difficult, at times but so can I be. We didn't see each other for the month of july (2015) because of his son, and because I came down with a serious heart condition from the stress of all this. This past weekend..I was invited to a party and the kid flipped out on his father, giving him crap about seeing me, so much it ruined our whole day. Then I had his friends tell me what a great kid he is..the kid is a fake, and a manipulator. He knows how to play everyone, but I saw through him. I really did try at first to make it all work, I was really nice to the kid until I found out what he was really saying behind my back. So now its to the point the kid is around all the time so his father won't see me. My Bf says, its not his choice who I date. He had told the father he wasn't going to the family barbecue if I was invited,,and the BF told him I was going whether he liked it or not. Well the kid packed his bags and left their rented apartment and refused all BF calls which made bf even more on edge, moody and just completely miserable. I just don't know what to do. The kid then lied and said he didn't get the text..My Bf called and texted over 30 times...and I got his texts..the kid is a liar..The kid says things to his father like "if you don't leave there, you'll be sorry" and "do this, or else" he is an emotional blackmailer. It is just terrible how he speaks to his father, and my Bf puts up with it because he lost him for 10 years, and we had fights over it because I tell my BF if you don't quit giving in to him, its going to get worse and worse..he makes rules and never follows through..it drives me crazy so much that I can't even be around him. And the demands of this kid..whenever he is with me, he is texting him 24/7..non stop...I was sitting at the restaurant by myself because he had to keep going outside because the son was having some meltdown and this is an everyday affair. If the kid doesn't get his way he is threatening to walk away from his father and never speak to him again. So now they are at a new place. My Bf wants me to come down there..but I feel I can't even be around this kid. My parents are also worried because they are afraid this kid is going to go off the deep end and do some harm to me. I really don't know what to do.
I can't help but think that your ex boyfriend should and could have done more to help raise his son. If he was a great influence it doesn't make a lot of sense for his ex to get restraining orders on him. One would have to ask why was he so easily disposed of by the mother of this child? I don't have a lot of respect for parents that walk away from their young children, when given the opportunity. Did he ever get a lawyer to plead his case to a judge to the importance of having a father in this boy's young life? If the answer is no, that would be a problem for me.
Good thing you got them out of your home BEFEORE all this happened as they both were bad news.
UPDATE:
Maybe perhaps some that replied to this post would like to know, that since I wrote this, my BF which is now my ex BF has kicked his son out of his home. The kid started robbing him, having parties with underage drinking and drugs in his home, and been going to his father's place of work badmouthing him to his boss and other employees. He was stealing money from his father, was so nasty in the way he treated him, constantly cursing and verbally abusing him. He finally told him to leave, and during the way when his father was working, he went into his apartment and did the damage before he disappeared.
Maybe perhaps some that replied to this post would like to know, that since I wrote this, my BF which is now my ex BF has kicked his son out of his home. The kid started robbing him, having parties with underage drinking and drugs in his home, and been going to his father's place of work badmouthing him to his boss and other employees. He was stealing money from his father, was so nasty in the way he treated him, constantly cursing and verbally abusing him. He finally told him to leave, and during the way when his father was working, he went into his apartment and did the damage before he disappeared.
It's a shame that your BF refuses to see that a therapist is essential for their relationship going forward, I fear that from your words that your BF will be caught up in over compensating for the time that he wasn't in his son's life, and enabling this adult child to continue to be manipulative and run amok with other friends of his that have no boundaries in their lives as well. So sad, so unnecessary. There is so much good help to be had for parent's these days. It seems in the beginning he was sizing up his options and because of lax rules coming form his father, he knew he could manipulate and play a cat and mouse game with you, instead of taking the opportunity to have a valuable relationship with a good women, and i say that of both you BF an his son. I can see it is your only option to step back. You must consider your own health a priority. You've done all you can, but you were sabotaged i'm afraid by both the BF and his son. We can all pray that they figure out that they need to reach out, and having support is not getting in bed with the enemy. God speed to them both.
I hope you find exactly what you deserve in a mate. You deserve the best.
I hope you find exactly what you deserve in a mate. You deserve the best.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I really think you know what you need to do at this point but it is just hard to do. I wish you the strength to follow through and ultimately, carve out a happier spot for yourself in life than this. good luck
"My son adores his step dad for the sacrifices that he's made to get him to the point of being safe and secure in his own life. "
I am happy for you on this..
In the beginning, I forgot about the toothpaste ordeal, and tried not to be a mother, but a friend to him. Once when BF couldn't make it, I took kid to a friends which was an hours drive and he talked and we got along really well. In those days he wasn't out of control, was so happy to come to my house..I remember how I would say Im sure you miss your bed, etc and he would say, "no I like it more here." Like the blizzard, he stayed for a week, we cooked, he made cookies, and my BF was happy..I did enjoy bringing the kid desserts home from my bakery. But then it all changed, not sure what happened..it was once he was 'permanently' in my home, he became a monster..horrid mood swings, threatening my BF to give him weed money etc and he made threats. Im sure it had to do with his mother kicking him out. She had police assistance each time he came to his home. I still don't know what happened in that house. All I know is my BF sister called the police and they said they had been to the house over 25 times..In any case, maybe one day with them living on their own they came find their happy place. But he was making up things to turn my Bf against me and vice versa. Right now, they need to be on their own. I respect my BF for trying to take care of him and make him happy.
I am happy for you on this..
In the beginning, I forgot about the toothpaste ordeal, and tried not to be a mother, but a friend to him. Once when BF couldn't make it, I took kid to a friends which was an hours drive and he talked and we got along really well. In those days he wasn't out of control, was so happy to come to my house..I remember how I would say Im sure you miss your bed, etc and he would say, "no I like it more here." Like the blizzard, he stayed for a week, we cooked, he made cookies, and my BF was happy..I did enjoy bringing the kid desserts home from my bakery. But then it all changed, not sure what happened..it was once he was 'permanently' in my home, he became a monster..horrid mood swings, threatening my BF to give him weed money etc and he made threats. Im sure it had to do with his mother kicking him out. She had police assistance each time he came to his home. I still don't know what happened in that house. All I know is my BF sister called the police and they said they had been to the house over 25 times..In any case, maybe one day with them living on their own they came find their happy place. But he was making up things to turn my Bf against me and vice versa. Right now, they need to be on their own. I respect my BF for trying to take care of him and make him happy.
Thanks for your reply. It was a saying Bf always said "I left when he was 10" which stuck, but the boy is 18 right now( 17 when he first came into our lives) now, so I guess I was incorrect on the actual time since he hadn't seen him..so it was really 8 years, forgive me this all been so stressful. The issue with the toothpaste wasn't a huge deal, but it why I mentioned it the first odd sign of the kids behavior towards me, in taking my things and hiding them. It was just something I hadn't forgotten. He had come to stay with us for the weekend, so he had packed his stuff from home, I mean, if he was coming to stay wouldn't he of packed his own toiletries? And why have it in a box under his bed? I was getting ready for work and had no toothpaste..just crazy..This wasn't a child, it was a 17 year old boy..That was just the first sign, the second was him telling my BF family and him that I drink Vodka before work..and had gotten empty bottles to show which wasn't mine... I don't even drink Vodka..It was all these signs.. In any case none of any of that matter now. His mother had him heavy on medication since he was young. And his behavior is on and off..terrible mood swings..I mean, one week he was really nice, but then would have huge mood swings and be horrible..and be horrible to my BF..These comments have been really helpful because I am seeing now how much he really needs help. Unfortunately he will never apologize, and my BF doesn't hold up to any rules..like once, when his son took his car, was smoking pot with his friends, got pulled over, it returned with dents, and the alignment all out whack and mud splattered all over it. This is a brand new Jetta..so my BF said he wasn't able to use the car for 2 weeks. This flipped the kid out and he was out of control, where I had to leave my home. Well the next day, I discovered BF gave him the keys back..and he is leaving with the car..But you know? I can't worry about this..it gives me too much stress and my AFIB is out of control. Somehow I hope the best for them, that they are able to find their own way, and be happy. Neither father or son believe in therapy. His family (my BF sister which agrees with me on mostly everything) has tried to get them into therapy, because son has so much anger against his mother (where I have even heard him say he wanted to kill her) and he also has so much anger against his father..but neither will go. MY BF is going to have to work this out himself. I got a book called Stop Caretaking the Narcissist in your life...and its been great. I have to stop worrying about him. He is going to have to take care of his son.
PS. this kid if handled correctly will be able to apologize for anything he said or did upon your meeting him and asking him to move in. with you. If he is made capable, he will be capable.
Your bf needs to somehow some way get his son interested in obtaining a college degree and finding a career that excites him and allows him to move on from his humble beginnings. He needs to work closely with his son in therapy to address the issues that happened while he the father was and was no longer in the picture. This can and will turn around for this boy, with the right help. I don't believe that it is a necessity for you and your bf to break things off at this stage. I think you need to step back, give the right type of advice like the bf and son attending family counseling. What this adult child is angry about has zero to do with you, he is not mad at you for anything i don't believe, i believe his anger is far deeper than a non blood member asking him to bring his dishes up. He's on the edge of a large dark hole, that's he's been trying to dig his way out of his entire life and has had little success. The thing about him taking your personal stuff out of your bathroom is unfortunate, it's unfortunate only because all his toiletries should have been given to him prior to his moving in with a contract of expectations to live in your home. As any children have rules given to them by their caregivers. The thing is that this adult child doesn't see fit to include another person, being you, into his new relationship with his father because he is unable to have relationships himself at this time, and he is jealous and angry that he is like he is. Simply put, it's too painful to watch yours and your bf's normal life together, because his is so grossly abnormal, right now. So , he is screaming out for his fathers' full attention as one would if they were hanging onto a makeshift raft in the middle of the Pacific ocean. This boys problems are deeper and much further reaching , than that of a teen caught smoking weed, and not being tidy. This is a life and death problem for this kid.
Your boyfriend is up for the challenge which is why he knew enough to get an apartment as opposed to sending his kid packing. And so too did you, know that this was his father's responsibility. Do I think you need to "end things" with the bf when you had a good relationship? No, not at all. I think with work and therapy, as well as your bf taking plenty of time , time with the boy that would take him away from typical pothead teenagers, bringing him hiking, fishing, boating, joining an organization, like a canoe club, or taking tai kwon do together, or going to the gym and lboth learning how to box, Specifically finding things that WILL help to socialize this traumatized youth into society and help him to gain confidence that he does have a father that loves him and is now willing to sacrifice his time for him, slow things down with his gf, and take this time now in his young life to make up for what's been missing. It would probably look to you and your bf like you were in a long distance relationship. but it's not forever. Getting this kid on the right track and in school where he should be, will get him socializing with youth that were raised with care, and who do want to study and find a career that he would like , rather than letting him take a menial job that's going to frustrate him and keep him from living his best life. If you back away if you sacrifice a good deal of time, in the beginning , this child will learn to love you, believe me, If you act the graceful lady in his life, and show him love from afar, even by just sending him a card and acknowledging how hard it must have been for him to have to move in with a stranger, and that you recognize his need and his right to become closer to his dad while he's still young and off somewhere being busy himself raising a family. Kids like this, like i was, don't see the path that other youth see, for themselves. They don't see themselves finding a college and working towards a career goal, and dating and being able to bring their dates to their home where they can be proud of their inclusion in a family , and be able to entertain their friends in a family home, .....Kids like this kid see nothing but a huge void that they have no way of knowing how to fill.
Please, consider taking my words to heart.Mull it over, relax and let the anger goes that comes with the immense shock of what's gone on with this new happenstance in both yours and your bf's life. Find a peaceful place with which to move forward, and realize that the sooner these two wonderful men in your life, find their way to the starting gate, the sooner you can take the place of matriarch. This boy is quite capable of accepting you, he just has to learn to accept himself, and find a place for himself. Simply put, he's too darned jealous of your being a normally adjusted person, when he's a ball of mixed emotions , probably with a thread of suicidal thoughts running through his mind.
There is NO greater joy, that that of parents that bear witness to their son finding their way in life, i can attest to that. No greater feelings. And you by no way shape or form need to, or even should be, a blood member of the family for you to become as close as a mother to this young man, and don't you ever let anybody tell you any different. My boy's dad died when he was 8, and his stepfather has been as much a loving father as any could be. My son adores his step dad for the sacrifices that he's made to get him to the point of being safe and secure in his own life. Honey, it is up to you as to how you see this thing going forward,. But i want to say, that you could be God's instrument to help this boy find his ways to the loving arms of family and feel like a bonified member of society. All that happening here is growing pains for a blended family Granted, the problems this kid has could go really bad, or really good going forward, depending on the actions of his loved ones. And by his loved ones, i mean his father and his father's wife. The fact that you would live separately for a time, sill this kid finds his own confidence in himself, is such an unselfish gesture on both your parts, that i see this kid loving you both , in ways and to the extent that you would both otherwise have no knowledge of, in this life. The love of a child that you have raised, rather than institutionalized or left at large to his own devices, will be greater than any love you've ever known. and it's worth the growing pains.
I personally, hope that you are able to keep yourself healthy and talk to people that are able to help appease your anxiety, And i hope that you very carefully consider keeping this boy in your life at arms length, while you learn how to mother a child that's been abused his entire life. It was too much to expect that this adult child could follow rules, but the fact is he's like a ferral cat, whose had no home. and doesn't know yet how to act in public. Please keep yourself from anxiety over this, find a place in this where you can act like the graceful lady. It was a mistake to move this child in, but it was better than leaving him on the street. Who knew when he came into your lives what needed to happen fast. Like dad and son therapy, who knew? In my opinion, don't make a big deal about him wanting to smoke weed, the fact is alot of folks on getting medical marijuana cards because it keep them calm. Im not saying to you to allow him to break the law in your house but keep an open mind at least. Instead of fucusing on what's wrong, put measures in place that will give him an opportunity to grown and find himself.
I'm here if you want to talk,further. Please, take some time out, and think about getting excited about this new kid. He could be the son you never had, and you could be the kind of mother he needs and truly wants. Give peace a chance. God speed.
Your boyfriend is up for the challenge which is why he knew enough to get an apartment as opposed to sending his kid packing. And so too did you, know that this was his father's responsibility. Do I think you need to "end things" with the bf when you had a good relationship? No, not at all. I think with work and therapy, as well as your bf taking plenty of time , time with the boy that would take him away from typical pothead teenagers, bringing him hiking, fishing, boating, joining an organization, like a canoe club, or taking tai kwon do together, or going to the gym and lboth learning how to box, Specifically finding things that WILL help to socialize this traumatized youth into society and help him to gain confidence that he does have a father that loves him and is now willing to sacrifice his time for him, slow things down with his gf, and take this time now in his young life to make up for what's been missing. It would probably look to you and your bf like you were in a long distance relationship. but it's not forever. Getting this kid on the right track and in school where he should be, will get him socializing with youth that were raised with care, and who do want to study and find a career that he would like , rather than letting him take a menial job that's going to frustrate him and keep him from living his best life. If you back away if you sacrifice a good deal of time, in the beginning , this child will learn to love you, believe me, If you act the graceful lady in his life, and show him love from afar, even by just sending him a card and acknowledging how hard it must have been for him to have to move in with a stranger, and that you recognize his need and his right to become closer to his dad while he's still young and off somewhere being busy himself raising a family. Kids like this, like i was, don't see the path that other youth see, for themselves. They don't see themselves finding a college and working towards a career goal, and dating and being able to bring their dates to their home where they can be proud of their inclusion in a family , and be able to entertain their friends in a family home, .....Kids like this kid see nothing but a huge void that they have no way of knowing how to fill.
Please, consider taking my words to heart.Mull it over, relax and let the anger goes that comes with the immense shock of what's gone on with this new happenstance in both yours and your bf's life. Find a peaceful place with which to move forward, and realize that the sooner these two wonderful men in your life, find their way to the starting gate, the sooner you can take the place of matriarch. This boy is quite capable of accepting you, he just has to learn to accept himself, and find a place for himself. Simply put, he's too darned jealous of your being a normally adjusted person, when he's a ball of mixed emotions , probably with a thread of suicidal thoughts running through his mind.
There is NO greater joy, that that of parents that bear witness to their son finding their way in life, i can attest to that. No greater feelings. And you by no way shape or form need to, or even should be, a blood member of the family for you to become as close as a mother to this young man, and don't you ever let anybody tell you any different. My boy's dad died when he was 8, and his stepfather has been as much a loving father as any could be. My son adores his step dad for the sacrifices that he's made to get him to the point of being safe and secure in his own life. Honey, it is up to you as to how you see this thing going forward,. But i want to say, that you could be God's instrument to help this boy find his ways to the loving arms of family and feel like a bonified member of society. All that happening here is growing pains for a blended family Granted, the problems this kid has could go really bad, or really good going forward, depending on the actions of his loved ones. And by his loved ones, i mean his father and his father's wife. The fact that you would live separately for a time, sill this kid finds his own confidence in himself, is such an unselfish gesture on both your parts, that i see this kid loving you both , in ways and to the extent that you would both otherwise have no knowledge of, in this life. The love of a child that you have raised, rather than institutionalized or left at large to his own devices, will be greater than any love you've ever known. and it's worth the growing pains.
I personally, hope that you are able to keep yourself healthy and talk to people that are able to help appease your anxiety, And i hope that you very carefully consider keeping this boy in your life at arms length, while you learn how to mother a child that's been abused his entire life. It was too much to expect that this adult child could follow rules, but the fact is he's like a ferral cat, whose had no home. and doesn't know yet how to act in public. Please keep yourself from anxiety over this, find a place in this where you can act like the graceful lady. It was a mistake to move this child in, but it was better than leaving him on the street. Who knew when he came into your lives what needed to happen fast. Like dad and son therapy, who knew? In my opinion, don't make a big deal about him wanting to smoke weed, the fact is alot of folks on getting medical marijuana cards because it keep them calm. Im not saying to you to allow him to break the law in your house but keep an open mind at least. Instead of fucusing on what's wrong, put measures in place that will give him an opportunity to grown and find himself.
I'm here if you want to talk,further. Please, take some time out, and think about getting excited about this new kid. He could be the son you never had, and you could be the kind of mother he needs and truly wants. Give peace a chance. God speed.
How old are you two?
ROs, a mother emotionally blackmailing the child and sticking him in institutions to keep him from his father, etc.? What did the father (your bf) do all this time to fight this? The child had to find him. This woman must have a lot of power of persuasion and/or $$$ to keep your bf from seeing his son for 10 years. His parents are a BIG part of the problem.
You stated he didn't see his kid for 10 years, but then you stated he was in the child's life for the first 10 years? Confused.
How are you "deserting" him? You would be giving him more time to focus on this troubled child of his and you need to think about yourself here. You stated you are/were having health issues related to the stress, correct? Is this worth your health and peace of mind?
The decision to leave isn't an easy decision, but it is a decision that NEEDS to be made and done. It doesn't matter if your bf doesn't want the breakup; it's your decision. This is obviously unhealthy and toxic.
I agree his behavior in your home shouldn't be overlooked, but that's no longer an issue since they don't live in your home anymore.
Let his parents sort this out as you aren't responsible for all this.
"I have been around teens for a long time, very close to my nieces, but they also never behaved that way, in any home, but they also didn't get the lot he did."..................Well, did they (the teens who you've been around) have two parents like these? If they did they would be just as angry, confused, hurt, troubled, etc.
Like I stated you walked into this dysfunction from day 1. Any man who told me he hadn't seen his kid for 10 years and/or had nothing to do with his child would be a red flag and enough for me to consider not pursuing the relationship.
ROs, a mother emotionally blackmailing the child and sticking him in institutions to keep him from his father, etc.? What did the father (your bf) do all this time to fight this? The child had to find him. This woman must have a lot of power of persuasion and/or $$$ to keep your bf from seeing his son for 10 years. His parents are a BIG part of the problem.
You stated he didn't see his kid for 10 years, but then you stated he was in the child's life for the first 10 years? Confused.
How are you "deserting" him? You would be giving him more time to focus on this troubled child of his and you need to think about yourself here. You stated you are/were having health issues related to the stress, correct? Is this worth your health and peace of mind?
The decision to leave isn't an easy decision, but it is a decision that NEEDS to be made and done. It doesn't matter if your bf doesn't want the breakup; it's your decision. This is obviously unhealthy and toxic.
I agree his behavior in your home shouldn't be overlooked, but that's no longer an issue since they don't live in your home anymore.
Let his parents sort this out as you aren't responsible for all this.
"I have been around teens for a long time, very close to my nieces, but they also never behaved that way, in any home, but they also didn't get the lot he did."..................Well, did they (the teens who you've been around) have two parents like these? If they did they would be just as angry, confused, hurt, troubled, etc.
Like I stated you walked into this dysfunction from day 1. Any man who told me he hadn't seen his kid for 10 years and/or had nothing to do with his child would be a red flag and enough for me to consider not pursuing the relationship.
Special mom, it is what I was trying to do. It was giving me daily stress coming home to walking on egg shells, not knowing how he was going to be, what he was going to do, and my animals weren't happy. There was times I was locked in my bedroom with my pets with the door locked. Thats no way to live. Thanks for replying.
COMMUNITY LEADER
It is not deserting him. He hasn't done the right thing by his child for years (I personally feel that the restraining order was just an excuse and is inexcusable that he ignored his child all of those years). He needs to. That conflicts with your peaceful home environment.
So, you are allowing him to be a decent man while you get on with your life and find a less complicated decision. Put yourself first and move on. Put his kid second and move on. Your boyfriend will be okay, I promise. good luck
So, you are allowing him to be a decent man while you get on with your life and find a less complicated decision. Put yourself first and move on. Put his kid second and move on. Your boyfriend will be okay, I promise. good luck
No we are not married. This is my second experience with dating a man with children, the first worked out very well, but completely different situation. He had relocated due to work, unfortunately, the long distance, didn't work. These replies have been very helpful. It just appears that his behavior in my home should be overlooked because of the hardship he was given and how things turned out. There is where I don't agree. Whether a child is in his home or someone else he still has to abide to his parents rules and not be allowed to throw food on the floor, and bring illegal drugs in. That is where I differ. If he is never reprimanded, how is he ever going to work for someone, get on with his life in the real world, and grow up? Now I see that the best thing was I told them to leave, and that my BF needs to take care of his son. I have been around teens for a long time, very close to my nieces, but they also never behaved that way, in any home, but they also didn't get the lot he did. Kind of feel I am back to square one because my Bf doesn't want to end our relationship. And I feel bad to desert him.
I think everyone can empathize with the havoc a very troubled, basically abandoned teenage boy can bring to a household with two adults.
The thing is, this child is homeless. His mother kicked him out and he was treated as a "guest" in his dad's house.
It's good the dad moved out at this time, IMHO, because this child needs a home, not somewhere where he is considered a guest.
It's hard to judge what struggles this child is going through, because his mother forced his dad out of the picture, and she sounds mentally ill, basically. Anyone who would disown their child for speaking to the other parent must have done some grievous damage.
Many teenage boys have minor scrapes with the law. He has basically no foundation in life to stand on, to serve him well and help him make good choices.
I think since you don't have kids, some of this stuff you just don't know. That kids have to feel like they have a home, their own home.
I suspect that 10 years down the road, if his dad sticks with him, and stands by him, he will be a healthy young man.
And I just don't think it will ever be okay between the two of you. Your husband needs to sacrifice for him, put the boy's needs (not necessarily desires, but needs) first over his own. Had that been happening all along, even before he was conceived, this wouldn't be such a horrible mess.
Best wishes. I still think you should follow your fantasies and find a man who has no kids, and your boyfriend can find a partner who either has kids, or really wants to parent one through a difficult time.
The thing is, this child is homeless. His mother kicked him out and he was treated as a "guest" in his dad's house.
It's good the dad moved out at this time, IMHO, because this child needs a home, not somewhere where he is considered a guest.
It's hard to judge what struggles this child is going through, because his mother forced his dad out of the picture, and she sounds mentally ill, basically. Anyone who would disown their child for speaking to the other parent must have done some grievous damage.
Many teenage boys have minor scrapes with the law. He has basically no foundation in life to stand on, to serve him well and help him make good choices.
I think since you don't have kids, some of this stuff you just don't know. That kids have to feel like they have a home, their own home.
I suspect that 10 years down the road, if his dad sticks with him, and stands by him, he will be a healthy young man.
And I just don't think it will ever be okay between the two of you. Your husband needs to sacrifice for him, put the boy's needs (not necessarily desires, but needs) first over his own. Had that been happening all along, even before he was conceived, this wouldn't be such a horrible mess.
Best wishes. I still think you should follow your fantasies and find a man who has no kids, and your boyfriend can find a partner who either has kids, or really wants to parent one through a difficult time.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I just think there is no hope here. And honestly, I could not recommend this man to not be with his child and support him. He's not yet an adult and honestly, for all of the years of neglect, he OWES him.
Do you charge your boyfriend rent?
I guess I just am thinking this must be your first experience with someone that has kids. I have kids younger than 17 but have the items them need on my grocery list. They have toothpaste, face wash, etc. and 'someone' has to provide that for him. Do you and the long term live in boyfriend split the expenses?
I'm not saying you need to live with this man's kid. Nope, I think it sounds hard. BUT, I think your boyfriend DOES need to be with his son so no matter how many other bad stories you tell, that doesn't change. You two are not a match because you can't deal with his son and he has an obligation to him.
I'm sorry. I feel for you. But you are not with a man that has no baggage. He has this son to care for. That comes over and above anything else. Perhaps he'll be free in a few years but the son is not going anywhere so it will never bet he same as it was when your boyfriend was neglecting his parental duties.
I'd cut your losses and move on. good luck
Do you charge your boyfriend rent?
I guess I just am thinking this must be your first experience with someone that has kids. I have kids younger than 17 but have the items them need on my grocery list. They have toothpaste, face wash, etc. and 'someone' has to provide that for him. Do you and the long term live in boyfriend split the expenses?
I'm not saying you need to live with this man's kid. Nope, I think it sounds hard. BUT, I think your boyfriend DOES need to be with his son so no matter how many other bad stories you tell, that doesn't change. You two are not a match because you can't deal with his son and he has an obligation to him.
I'm sorry. I feel for you. But you are not with a man that has no baggage. He has this son to care for. That comes over and above anything else. Perhaps he'll be free in a few years but the son is not going anywhere so it will never bet he same as it was when your boyfriend was neglecting his parental duties.
I'd cut your losses and move on. good luck
I can understand where your coming from, being a mother. And although it sounds bad now, but at the time when he first came in, I was very accepting and welcoming to him. I had even gone to court and talked to the judge about my BF so he could see his son. MY Bf had tried many times and the judge even apologized to him for all the pain he'd been through, she even apologized for the court system-yes she did-she felt they wronged him, because my BF did try to many times, but each time (and after 12 thousand dollars) the ex would make up some lie, put him in an institution, so he couldn't see his son. Unfortunately now this son is using all this to get his way with my BF. In the beginning I would even talk to him about girls, we would go to dinner and he would come. Its strange how he changed. But after my home he also got out of control at the next house, and they also kicked him out. They finally now got their own apartment. I believe the kid is bi-polar because if he doesn't have pot (self medication) he is a nightmare. AT first I let him smoke because my BF had such a hard time being separated from him, I wanted to make him happy but then the kid was getting too wild, and as a homeowner, I am responsible. Pot is illegal and so is underage drinking, and I could not have that in my home. I would tell him he could not, and he would give me a face and smoke anyway.
First of all, I worded that wrong-I did NOT mean for the kid to pay rent, I did mean it coming from his father. He had been in my home, for months 4 nights a week, and every day he was showing up after school, I never was mean or not accepting to him coming over, it was only after his true colors came out, that I was really turned off on the idea. And I am trying to manage a house I have bills to pay also. The way I was raised, if you are a guest in someone's home, you don't take their things out of their bathroom and hide them where you are staying, I found these things under the bed he stayed in in my basement.. And he did have space. He had full range of my basement, a room and a hang out room down there. He had plenty of privacy. He and his father would spent their time in the basement watching TV playing darts, etc. I never went down there when he was over. I would cook and they would come upstairs and wed have dinner. It was only after my Bf got custody, that he changed. And yes his mother threw him out of her home. It was only after they left, that I would find all the old food on the floor, etc. I recall kindly asking him to please bring his dishes to the sink. Nope. Next day the stuff was left, again. My BF would ask him to clean up after himself and his reply would be, "you do it."
Its so complicated that its hard to write everything. But my BF was in his life for the first 10 years of his life. His mother filed a RO against him because he caught her having an affair and got very nasty with her. He grabbed her-but there was no marks, nothing on her. He had visitation for a few years but she made up stories and turned the kid against him. She also told the kid that if he ever spoke to his father again, she would disown him. It just happened that after my BF got custody, the child changed. He started lying, and making up stories to tell his father, against me. Like this past weekend. He said if I was coming he took off, and wouldn't talk to his father for days. My BF is going through a rough time. I just yesterday told him your son doesn't want me in your life, and he said, he doesn't want him to have anyone in his life, but he said it is my choice to make who is in my life. I see he is trying to gain some control with him, but its difficult. The kid has been in loads of trouble since. Has been arrested, been questioned by police over 10 times for different things. He also has been in mental institutions for about 5 weeks total since he was 10 for having tantrums and being hard to control. But still people say that know his ex, they can't believe she threw him out and completely disowned him. Who disowns their own child?
Its so complicated that its hard to write everything. But my BF was in his life for the first 10 years of his life. His mother filed a RO against him because he caught her having an affair and got very nasty with her. He grabbed her-but there was no marks, nothing on her. He had visitation for a few years but she made up stories and turned the kid against him. She also told the kid that if he ever spoke to his father again, she would disown him. It just happened that after my BF got custody, the child changed. He started lying, and making up stories to tell his father, against me. Like this past weekend. He said if I was coming he took off, and wouldn't talk to his father for days. My BF is going through a rough time. I just yesterday told him your son doesn't want me in your life, and he said, he doesn't want him to have anyone in his life, but he said it is my choice to make who is in my life. I see he is trying to gain some control with him, but its difficult. The kid has been in loads of trouble since. Has been arrested, been questioned by police over 10 times for different things. He also has been in mental institutions for about 5 weeks total since he was 10 for having tantrums and being hard to control. But still people say that know his ex, they can't believe she threw him out and completely disowned him. Who disowns their own child?
"I really don't know what to do."..............It is obvious you need to let this one go. You walked right into a deep pit of disfunctional muck and mire and you need to walk away from this IF you want peace of mind. Moreover, this isn't worth YOUR health. Your health is priceless.
Why all these ROs?
It is YOUR home and you have every right to say what goes and doesn't go and if your bf and his 17 year old nightmare don't like it then they definitely need to go, which they did. You don't go live in someone else's home and tell the homeowner what he/she must do to accommodate you. As soon as this horror doesn't get his way he hops to another home, e.g. went from mommy's home to your home to daddy's home..........so forth and so forth. Oh my. Mom and dad need to get it together and get THEIR child some serious help and figure out these living arrangements. If the kid can't abide by anyone's rules then maybe he should emancipate himself from his parents.
His son is trouble and his father is in NO position at this time to be in a relationship with anyone; there is NO real time to devote to a relationship. He needs to focus 100% on this total mess........his kid. It would not be fair for you to stay as he can't give you what you need.........a relationship void of drama, stress and headaches. You already have a heart condition related to this.
End this and wish your bf well in regards to figuring out what to do with his kid.
HIS KID=HIS PROBLEM.
You need someone less complicated and drama-free. I think you deserve that after dealing with what you've dealt with.
Peace of mind TRUMPS a bf with a troubled child.
Why all these ROs?
It is YOUR home and you have every right to say what goes and doesn't go and if your bf and his 17 year old nightmare don't like it then they definitely need to go, which they did. You don't go live in someone else's home and tell the homeowner what he/she must do to accommodate you. As soon as this horror doesn't get his way he hops to another home, e.g. went from mommy's home to your home to daddy's home..........so forth and so forth. Oh my. Mom and dad need to get it together and get THEIR child some serious help and figure out these living arrangements. If the kid can't abide by anyone's rules then maybe he should emancipate himself from his parents.
His son is trouble and his father is in NO position at this time to be in a relationship with anyone; there is NO real time to devote to a relationship. He needs to focus 100% on this total mess........his kid. It would not be fair for you to stay as he can't give you what you need.........a relationship void of drama, stress and headaches. You already have a heart condition related to this.
End this and wish your bf well in regards to figuring out what to do with his kid.
HIS KID=HIS PROBLEM.
You need someone less complicated and drama-free. I think you deserve that after dealing with what you've dealt with.
Peace of mind TRUMPS a bf with a troubled child.
In my experience, this is how kids behave who have had a very, very rocky start.
I understand your viewpoint - you had a nice stable relationship with your boyfriend, and he lived in your home, and then although you couldn't have predicted he would establish a relationship with his child, he did.
In my opinion, kids trump girlfriends. Even troubled, difficult kids trump stable, nice supportive girlfriends. Kids trump girlfriends, period.
It's pretty typical of childless partners to judge kids harshly. If he took toothpaste, soap, etc., it's not apparent at all that he intended to steal it, rather, he was using the household stuff in the household where he lived, with his father. 17 year olds don't pay rent. They are legally entitled to food, reasonable clothing, and safe shelter provided by their parents.
I don't think I've ever seen a 17 year old who was grateful to live in a home where he didn't have any privacy, and it was clearly stated he wouldn't be allowed to have any friends over.
At this point, you are free to look for another partner. I would suggest you find one who never had any children.
Best wishes.
I understand your viewpoint - you had a nice stable relationship with your boyfriend, and he lived in your home, and then although you couldn't have predicted he would establish a relationship with his child, he did.
In my opinion, kids trump girlfriends. Even troubled, difficult kids trump stable, nice supportive girlfriends. Kids trump girlfriends, period.
It's pretty typical of childless partners to judge kids harshly. If he took toothpaste, soap, etc., it's not apparent at all that he intended to steal it, rather, he was using the household stuff in the household where he lived, with his father. 17 year olds don't pay rent. They are legally entitled to food, reasonable clothing, and safe shelter provided by their parents.
I don't think I've ever seen a 17 year old who was grateful to live in a home where he didn't have any privacy, and it was clearly stated he wouldn't be allowed to have any friends over.
At this point, you are free to look for another partner. I would suggest you find one who never had any children.
Best wishes.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome. Well, this is a little hard to read. Both as a woman and as a mother.
I have to say a couple of things are very clear. The boy is in crisis and needs a supportive home and strong parenting. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend can do that with you in the picture.
Here's a boy who never got to know his father and that creates emotional distress in youth. Is it a wonder that he is now struggling? Not at all as this is a common pattern for kids who long for their dads. I do agree that the things he is doing (selling and using drugs) is unacceptable. But his father needs to have a safe home for him to work on these issues in which there isn't someone who views it as HER house, her things, thinks a 17 year old should pay rent (he's a minor---- dad should be paying his way), and has a plethora of negative things to say about him. He is right that he needed space to get to know his father that was peaceful and one in which is presence wasn't seen as an intrusion. (let's face it, you'd have been happiest if he really just stayed in the background and your boyfriend didn't take over the proper role of parenting his child)
I think, in all honesty, it is best for all involved for you two to stay split. This man needs to rise to the occasion and be a father. A restraining order would NEVER keep me away from my child (what was the basis of a restraining order? What did she prove for TEN years that he'd done to keep that in place?) as I'd fight that in court and have visitation of some sort. This is his chance to do the right thing. His child is almost an adult. I hope it is not too late to get the boy on track but it is a very critical time for your boyfriend to work on this WITHOUT guilt, distraction and basically being criticized for doing what a parent should do.
This boy is his flesh and blood. He needs to be there for him. And as he is a hindrance for you and now there is SO much bad blood between you and the boy, I think it is best for you to let the relationship go and go on to find a better situation for yourself. good luck
I have to say a couple of things are very clear. The boy is in crisis and needs a supportive home and strong parenting. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend can do that with you in the picture.
Here's a boy who never got to know his father and that creates emotional distress in youth. Is it a wonder that he is now struggling? Not at all as this is a common pattern for kids who long for their dads. I do agree that the things he is doing (selling and using drugs) is unacceptable. But his father needs to have a safe home for him to work on these issues in which there isn't someone who views it as HER house, her things, thinks a 17 year old should pay rent (he's a minor---- dad should be paying his way), and has a plethora of negative things to say about him. He is right that he needed space to get to know his father that was peaceful and one in which is presence wasn't seen as an intrusion. (let's face it, you'd have been happiest if he really just stayed in the background and your boyfriend didn't take over the proper role of parenting his child)
I think, in all honesty, it is best for all involved for you two to stay split. This man needs to rise to the occasion and be a father. A restraining order would NEVER keep me away from my child (what was the basis of a restraining order? What did she prove for TEN years that he'd done to keep that in place?) as I'd fight that in court and have visitation of some sort. This is his chance to do the right thing. His child is almost an adult. I hope it is not too late to get the boy on track but it is a very critical time for your boyfriend to work on this WITHOUT guilt, distraction and basically being criticized for doing what a parent should do.
This boy is his flesh and blood. He needs to be there for him. And as he is a hindrance for you and now there is SO much bad blood between you and the boy, I think it is best for you to let the relationship go and go on to find a better situation for yourself. good luck
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