Help with husband

[kimbie]

I am 50, husband is 56. We've been married 13 yrs. I have a 29yr. Old daughter, he has 2 daughters 21& 28. They do not live with us. We also have 4 cats, 3 dogs. My husband works mon.-fri. I do not work right now. Cancer survivor & also a lot of medical problems. Anyway, financially we're okay. My husband wants me home mon.-fri. When he gets home from work, on weekends he wants it to be only about him & I. No family, no friends on weekends or while he is home. He comes home through the week showers, eats & goes to bed @ 9:00. He doesn't want to discuss anything, spend time with me etc. I try & understand he is tired. Our sex life is satisfying him! I try & interact with him. He just wants to watch tv. On weekends when we do things it HAS to be about what were doing wether I enjoy it or not. He doesn't make it about us at all. If I don't want to do something he gets angry & either threatens to leave me or bullies me! He gets angry if his kids or anyone wants to come over. I have no friends & when I do hang with my family he never wants to go. Despite what he wants I do see my family once in awhile. He always says he wants things between him & I. Even if we're not doing anything! He acts like he hates people. I keep a clean house despite the animals. It is a lot of work, I cook, I take care of everything. He feels he works & on weekends he only wants it to be me & him. We argue a lot because I don't let him get away with his behavior but so over arguing!! I hardly spend any money. I shop at garage sales, I don't go out during the day for lunch, pampering myself in anyway! I'm okay with that. My problem is & I want to interact wirh people, family etc. on weekends, through the week whenever. I have no friends because they don't like him, my family try's & he treats them like he is better then them., he constantly complains about money, he takes complete advantage of me & says you know I love you! His idea of showing me love is all about what were doing! We go to dinner try small talk anything. He is soo boring!!
He try's & demand I do something with him & when we do it's all about him because he has to go back to work on Monday. We don't go to bars, bowling, movies. Basically our to eat, he comes home watches tv & goes to bed! Bottom line is he feels he does nothing wrong! I am depressed & i am always trying to get him to relax & open up! He leads with his head & not his heart. I am a very giving person. This past weekend his daughter wanted to come over & bring the kids to hang out, go swimming etc. I told her I would check with her dad. He got so angry!! He said AGAIN he wanted it to be him & I. He said if you don't want to do anything with me I'll go by myself.
I didn't go with him with his bullying behavior. He went to his friends mike, they went & played pool & out to eat. I stayed home. He gets home & again says I can't do this anymore & I want someone who just wants to be with me! I'm soo over this! I don't get him at all. Im tired of his bullying & controlling ways! The sad part is he never, ever says he is sorry & feels he does nothing wrong! I have tryed everything! He says he is comfortable, I tell him I'm not! Just because he works he feels I should do everything!!
I know.. Leave him. I want us to work but he says it's me nor him. Basically if I live by his rules we would be happy! Nor going to do it. How can I get him to lighten up??

[nursegirl6572]

Sounds a LOT like your hubby may be depressed.  Is that a possibility?  A lot of what you describe resonates with me a lot (I suffer with depression).  If it were up to me, I would never have people over, and I don't always go out of my way to spend time with people.  I have to really work at it and push myself, or else I'd always be stuck in the same rut.  My hubby and I have had similar discussions, where we've argued a bit about having people over or doing things.  Just from what you say, I think that may be a possibility.  He fits the description...moody, isolates himself, no motivation to do things, etc.

Can you try to ask him?  If that's the problem, he needs to get some help.  If he's not depressed, geez, well then he's just sounding like he's very selfish.  Marriage is about give and take.  If he's not willing to do any "giving" and won't listen to your concerns, you have some thinking to do as your day to day life surely doesn't sound very fulfilling.  I'm very glad to hear, in the least, that you call him on his poor behavior.  He has no right to treat you like he does, when you're just trying to verbalize your issues.

Very best to you!

[kiki338]

Sorry to hear that your husband is being selfish.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi and welcome. Why dont you delve into your creative side. You do have some spare time. Take up some of the arts or writing or even creating a product. Internet companies are always looking for new products and there are many people who will back a product for a percentage. All these products you see on tv for $19.95 made people wealthy,. The upside down tomato plant, lens scratch remover, all those silly things. People came up with these ideas in there spare time. You can make an online Patent for only $150. Im doing it now with 2 products for the auto accessory internet companies and is really quite simple. You have heard of the "secret society" these are a group of wealthy people who get together and dont share how easy it is. This is one of the things they do, create simple products. There is even a new tv reality show where people sumitt ideas, you might have seen it. Think about it.

[RockRose]

The reason I ask is,  it sounds like he'd be horrible company - I would think a daughter would shield her children from him.   I can't imagine coming over and hanging out for the day would be the least bit pleasurable.  Unless, of course,  as SM says,  this is brand new behavior.

[RockRose]

Why does his daughter want to come over and bring her children to hang out?

[specialmom]

HI there and welcome.  You've been married for 13 years.  That's a pretty long time.  Has he always been this way?  What is making you so unhappy now??  Just curious why it comes to a head now.

Personally, I'm doubtful he will want to change and his wanting to is the only way he will.  He's not bought into any issues on his part.  So, what can you do with that.  I'd tell you to invite people over any way ---  it's your house too or make plans to go to their house with or without him.  And just go.  That gives you contact with others.  I'd tell you to make plans to do what you want to every other weekend one of the nights and hopefully he'll go as you're planning it.  But this seems unrealistic given what you've written.

If you are lonely, unhappy, feeling bullied and controlled---  would it not be better to leave this relationship?   He isn't ready to admit to anything so is not going to make any effort for change most likely.  

ugh, it's hard.  Sorry it is like this.  good luck and peace