Aa
Help with my relationship
Hi.
I have been with my girlfriend for about a year. For five months we had a great relationship, we were good friends and enjoyed a good sexual life. The last couple of years she has lost sexual desire for me. We used to have sex at least once a week, but now we haven't done in like 4 months. I am not happy with that, and feel very frustrated.
With the trashy sex life, I am afraid I will lose my control again when I go out drinking and pick up some other girl.
To prevent that, I have started watching lots of porn I used to, and aquired other bad habits.
I don't think she r e a l l y knows how much sex means to me; I cannot do without it. It is also humiliating to be rejected in bed several times. I know I am attractive and can get other girls, but I am afraid to lose what I have now. Besides, will it be any different with any other girl? I have heard that the majority of women lose their sexual desire for their partners after several years in a relationship.
What should I do?
I look forward to suggestions from both guys and girls!
I have been with my girlfriend for about a year. For five months we had a great relationship, we were good friends and enjoyed a good sexual life. The last couple of years she has lost sexual desire for me. We used to have sex at least once a week, but now we haven't done in like 4 months. I am not happy with that, and feel very frustrated.
With the trashy sex life, I am afraid I will lose my control again when I go out drinking and pick up some other girl.
To prevent that, I have started watching lots of porn I used to, and aquired other bad habits.
I don't think she r e a l l y knows how much sex means to me; I cannot do without it. It is also humiliating to be rejected in bed several times. I know I am attractive and can get other girls, but I am afraid to lose what I have now. Besides, will it be any different with any other girl? I have heard that the majority of women lose their sexual desire for their partners after several years in a relationship.
What should I do?
I look forward to suggestions from both guys and girls!
I agree that unrealistic expectations are a huge contributor to the divorce rate as well, as our spouse was never meant and cannot possibly be expected to fulfill our every need. It is unfair to ask that of them. While I understand that the sex industry has been around long before our divorce rates went up, only recently did it become a very widespread and encouraged thing. Things that used to be taboo and not talked of are now widely accepted and we are told that they are okay- such as men using porn. I realize there is a huge debate on porn being just fine and not hurting anyone- I very much disagree. Instead of typing it all out here, there is a website that I found that I think does a good job of defending that view (http://www.oneangrygirl.net/antiporn.html).
And I agree that you could not take away the industry, and I don't think anyone should try. I read on that website there would so many people out of a job. However, I would like to see education on the matter, as I feel there is evidence that porn leads to a dangerous addiction. You can get help to get off meth and that, but porn is burned into your mind. That's what I read- I encourage you to check it out.
While I am not aware of the bible belt thing, I am aware of the fact that Christians DO have the highest divorce rate... it is very interesting, isn't it? I don't know why Christians have the highest, but I think the expectations thing probably plays into that alot, that and how much the church avoids the issue. I myself do not attend a church because I disagree with many of the things that go on there. The reason a lot of churches don't talk about porn and that is because the pastors themselves are looking at it. The word Christian in my mind means nothing at all in this country- maybe even the world- except hypocrisy. I mean, that's how alot of people see it, isn't it? Which is too bad, because there are authentic people out there, and pastors who don't look at porn- but how can you tell the real people from those who are just kidding themselves for whatever reason? What do you think about Christians? I read a story about a poll on a campus in California and they were asked what do you think of Jesus and what do you think of the church. Many students were open and even liked Jesus, studies him, etc but when it came to the church, alot of them were looking for something the church didn't provide- community, support- being real. I am among them in that opinion.
I suppose you probably are right that we girls are taught that marriage and having children is the best route for us. However, I think in addressing the divorce being an option and where there is a need for marriage, our society has completely tarnished the value and sanctity of marriage. I personally do not agree with homosexuality, but I what I dislike is the act- not the person. Whether they should be allowed to get married isn't something I've ever really felt strongly about or even have an opinion on. While I feel a marriage should be between a man and a woman as it was designed to be, if they are living like they are married anyway...? I don't really know and have not really read much on the subject. However, it seems to be something you feel very passionately about- you have brought it up in your posts frequently. Do you know someone or are you yourself- I am just curious why you are so passionate about it. Most people I know who are have a dear friend or family member or someone they personally know- I don't. Maybe that's why I am not really involved with the topic :S
I don't know how much space I have... anyway, marriage is meant to reflect the relationship Christ has with the church. Many marriages do not do this, and I would understand your opinion therefore of it being soul-sapping, as you said. Marriage is really tough- and I know that first hand. However, I do think we were meant to be with one person. Me and my husband made a commitment to not use the word divorce, like when we fight and that. I think when you do that, you are allowing that option. I know that the bible says only in the case of infidelity can you divorce, but there are other routes that I can see that been needed. Abuse, for instance. My mom left my dad because in essence he was a womanizer- he always checked out other women, looked at porn, eventually cheated... marriage today doesn't seem desireable. But my goal in life, if I accomplish nothing else, is to show people- from my life- that a marriage can be so much more than what we see around us. Mainly, I want to show women that they don't have to accept what the media says- that its okay for their husbands to look at other women and things like that. I think that we as women, deserve so much more, and were meant to, and that we give men excuses like "all men do it" and we just help it happen.
I look forward to reading your reply :) I almost wonder if we shouldn't start our own thread- this one is getting long and off topic :) hehe
And I agree that you could not take away the industry, and I don't think anyone should try. I read on that website there would so many people out of a job. However, I would like to see education on the matter, as I feel there is evidence that porn leads to a dangerous addiction. You can get help to get off meth and that, but porn is burned into your mind. That's what I read- I encourage you to check it out.
While I am not aware of the bible belt thing, I am aware of the fact that Christians DO have the highest divorce rate... it is very interesting, isn't it? I don't know why Christians have the highest, but I think the expectations thing probably plays into that alot, that and how much the church avoids the issue. I myself do not attend a church because I disagree with many of the things that go on there. The reason a lot of churches don't talk about porn and that is because the pastors themselves are looking at it. The word Christian in my mind means nothing at all in this country- maybe even the world- except hypocrisy. I mean, that's how alot of people see it, isn't it? Which is too bad, because there are authentic people out there, and pastors who don't look at porn- but how can you tell the real people from those who are just kidding themselves for whatever reason? What do you think about Christians? I read a story about a poll on a campus in California and they were asked what do you think of Jesus and what do you think of the church. Many students were open and even liked Jesus, studies him, etc but when it came to the church, alot of them were looking for something the church didn't provide- community, support- being real. I am among them in that opinion.
I suppose you probably are right that we girls are taught that marriage and having children is the best route for us. However, I think in addressing the divorce being an option and where there is a need for marriage, our society has completely tarnished the value and sanctity of marriage. I personally do not agree with homosexuality, but I what I dislike is the act- not the person. Whether they should be allowed to get married isn't something I've ever really felt strongly about or even have an opinion on. While I feel a marriage should be between a man and a woman as it was designed to be, if they are living like they are married anyway...? I don't really know and have not really read much on the subject. However, it seems to be something you feel very passionately about- you have brought it up in your posts frequently. Do you know someone or are you yourself- I am just curious why you are so passionate about it. Most people I know who are have a dear friend or family member or someone they personally know- I don't. Maybe that's why I am not really involved with the topic :S
I don't know how much space I have... anyway, marriage is meant to reflect the relationship Christ has with the church. Many marriages do not do this, and I would understand your opinion therefore of it being soul-sapping, as you said. Marriage is really tough- and I know that first hand. However, I do think we were meant to be with one person. Me and my husband made a commitment to not use the word divorce, like when we fight and that. I think when you do that, you are allowing that option. I know that the bible says only in the case of infidelity can you divorce, but there are other routes that I can see that been needed. Abuse, for instance. My mom left my dad because in essence he was a womanizer- he always checked out other women, looked at porn, eventually cheated... marriage today doesn't seem desireable. But my goal in life, if I accomplish nothing else, is to show people- from my life- that a marriage can be so much more than what we see around us. Mainly, I want to show women that they don't have to accept what the media says- that its okay for their husbands to look at other women and things like that. I think that we as women, deserve so much more, and were meant to, and that we give men excuses like "all men do it" and we just help it happen.
I look forward to reading your reply :) I almost wonder if we shouldn't start our own thread- this one is getting long and off topic :) hehe
barnbabe, have you seen Penn & Teller's take on monogamy and the nuclear family?
I think unrealistic expectations contribute enormously to the divorce rate we have. The media is especially adept at feeding folks the fantasy that their marriage is somehow going to be "perfect" and that their S.O. will provide for every emotional, sexual, and intellectual need they could ever possibly have. It's ludicrous (and completely unrealistic).
There's always been a "sex industry," even before divorce rates skyrocketed in our society. Men (for the most part) have been seeking out sex since we fell out of the trees and stood upright on our hindlegs (and probably before then). Sex isn't going away; it just coalesces into different forms depending on technology. It's widely available on the Internets because it *can* be. Before that, it was magazines, films, books - you name it, it's been available. Sex isn't going away - trying to pass laws that marginalize and criminalize sex workers, that make it illegal to purchase sex toys and porn - Band-Aid attempts to regulate it or "disappear" it won't work. Remember Prohibition? Yeah, it didn't work then, either.
BearHitch, you are probably already aware that the Bible Belt states in the U.S. have the highest divorce rate per capita. In fact, I saw one study that said that Christians divorce at a much higher rate than any other religion or even atheists. One has to wonder why Christians are flailing in the realm of marriage. Any ideas?
Many people (especially women, and girls, from an early age) are simply brainwashed into believing that the "ultimate" life experience is popping out a bunch of kids and being married. But the so-called nuclear family is not a construct that, for the most part, benefits women or society in general.
Socially and economically, I don't see much need for marriage. But I'm astonished that the Xtian fundies have wielded so much power in denying gays their civil rights in being allowed to marry, because AFAIK, anybody who wants to get married should have the right to do so. Violating ANYBODY'S civil rights in our society hurts EVERYBODY. It hurts us all. And we should be ashamed of such positions and work to rectify them.
Finally, there is probably nobody who isn't aware that divorce is an option if they marry. Sure, folks can try and do the 'til death do us part' rigamarole, but the truth is that, for the most part, we probably weren't meant to pair-bond with the same person for decades on end. It can be very stifling and soul-sapping. You would need to have two very emotionally strong and stable people to make such a union work. And I think it's probably rare. Again, it goes back to unrealistic expectations.
There's always been a "sex industry," even before divorce rates skyrocketed in our society. Men (for the most part) have been seeking out sex since we fell out of the trees and stood upright on our hindlegs (and probably before then). Sex isn't going away; it just coalesces into different forms depending on technology. It's widely available on the Internets because it *can* be. Before that, it was magazines, films, books - you name it, it's been available. Sex isn't going away - trying to pass laws that marginalize and criminalize sex workers, that make it illegal to purchase sex toys and porn - Band-Aid attempts to regulate it or "disappear" it won't work. Remember Prohibition? Yeah, it didn't work then, either.
BearHitch, you are probably already aware that the Bible Belt states in the U.S. have the highest divorce rate per capita. In fact, I saw one study that said that Christians divorce at a much higher rate than any other religion or even atheists. One has to wonder why Christians are flailing in the realm of marriage. Any ideas?
Many people (especially women, and girls, from an early age) are simply brainwashed into believing that the "ultimate" life experience is popping out a bunch of kids and being married. But the so-called nuclear family is not a construct that, for the most part, benefits women or society in general.
Socially and economically, I don't see much need for marriage. But I'm astonished that the Xtian fundies have wielded so much power in denying gays their civil rights in being allowed to marry, because AFAIK, anybody who wants to get married should have the right to do so. Violating ANYBODY'S civil rights in our society hurts EVERYBODY. It hurts us all. And we should be ashamed of such positions and work to rectify them.
Finally, there is probably nobody who isn't aware that divorce is an option if they marry. Sure, folks can try and do the 'til death do us part' rigamarole, but the truth is that, for the most part, we probably weren't meant to pair-bond with the same person for decades on end. It can be very stifling and soul-sapping. You would need to have two very emotionally strong and stable people to make such a union work. And I think it's probably rare. Again, it goes back to unrealistic expectations.
I am not quite sure how most of your post relates to what we were talking about, so I am going to address the part that did. If my sister or a friend or even a stranger had the situation like you described- there was no sexual intimacy in their marriage and the other partner refused to do anything about it, I can honestly say I am not sure what advice I would give them. It catches me into a thought process of I don't like to encourage divorce, but it's like you said- what else can they do? I think that in that scenario there is more to the situation of why the other partner is not being sexual with them, but if they aren't even working to get at it, I think in the end I would recommend they give their partner the ultimatum of if you want me, this gets fixed and if not, I am saying goodbye.
Which is sad. I realize that our divorce rate is over 50% and some are for trivial things- that doesn't make it right, though. I really don't know how to help couples in the situation we were talking about. All I do know, is that it is not the way God intended the marriage to be, and I think a lot of marriages and couples who have not taken that step are missing out on what it is supposed to be like.
I know that there are not direct links to all of these things, but I find it interesting that with the escalation of the sex industry, cheating, and our society saying that it and divorce are okay could have something to do with that divorce rate. I have no study or anything to go off of, except my own observation. Furthermore, I think any couple that enters into a marriage with the thought that divorce is an option, is doomed because when the going gets tough- they'll remember they have that way out.
Which is sad. I realize that our divorce rate is over 50% and some are for trivial things- that doesn't make it right, though. I really don't know how to help couples in the situation we were talking about. All I do know, is that it is not the way God intended the marriage to be, and I think a lot of marriages and couples who have not taken that step are missing out on what it is supposed to be like.
I know that there are not direct links to all of these things, but I find it interesting that with the escalation of the sex industry, cheating, and our society saying that it and divorce are okay could have something to do with that divorce rate. I have no study or anything to go off of, except my own observation. Furthermore, I think any couple that enters into a marriage with the thought that divorce is an option, is doomed because when the going gets tough- they'll remember they have that way out.
Bearhitch, I think sexual problems can run very deep, and that's why they end up being so hard to address. In a marriage, I think both partners have to willing to confront a lot in inner fears, prejudice, and social conditioning to really improve things. If you think about cultures when (for example) society teaches that fellatio is someone only whores do, imagine just how much a husband has to overcome in himself in order to be comfortable accepting that pleasure from his wife but not feeling like he is treating her like a *****.
If you're 'just in a relationship' it's so easy to run from your problems, but in a marriage you're 'trapped' with haivng to face those problems. Even simple hangups like 'good girls don't touch themselves' can really haunt people, let alone if they have any other clear issues (like childhood abuse, parents who were abusive to each other, etc). I think when you meet those older people who tell you life is more than sex, it's because they've gone through some of those inner battles and have realized how much of sex isn't really about sex at all. Just my two cents.
If you're 'just in a relationship' it's so easy to run from your problems, but in a marriage you're 'trapped' with haivng to face those problems. Even simple hangups like 'good girls don't touch themselves' can really haunt people, let alone if they have any other clear issues (like childhood abuse, parents who were abusive to each other, etc). I think when you meet those older people who tell you life is more than sex, it's because they've gone through some of those inner battles and have realized how much of sex isn't really about sex at all. Just my two cents.
What I meant by my comment is when you are married, you are committed to having sex with that one person for the rest of your life- that is what you say in your vows. If you are dating someone and not getting it from them, you can get it elsewhere. You are not bound to that person or obligated to stay.
Sex is important, but in a dating relationship, I do not feel you can demand or expect sex from that person. It is great if they desire it too and it is mutual and important to both parties. But if they do not meet the sexual requirement- or as in this gentleman's case, he wanted it more and she gave it less- he has the freedom to leave. What I am saying- and having a hard time verbalizing here- is that sex in a marriage is much more vital than in a dating relationship unless that is a requirement for people whom you date. The reason is because in a marriage you have that one person, and if you aren't getting it from them, you aren't getting it and it causes problems as you have read in many of these people's request for advice.
I have noticed that you have suggested to some posters that they arrange an open marriage with their spouse. I am not going to attack your position or advice. But, since I don't agree with that or cheating, I think that if you aren't getting it at home in your marriage, you aren't getting it. I don't know if this makes sense- please let me know if you need me to clarify something.
Sex is important, but in a dating relationship, I do not feel you can demand or expect sex from that person. It is great if they desire it too and it is mutual and important to both parties. But if they do not meet the sexual requirement- or as in this gentleman's case, he wanted it more and she gave it less- he has the freedom to leave. What I am saying- and having a hard time verbalizing here- is that sex in a marriage is much more vital than in a dating relationship unless that is a requirement for people whom you date. The reason is because in a marriage you have that one person, and if you aren't getting it from them, you aren't getting it and it causes problems as you have read in many of these people's request for advice.
I have noticed that you have suggested to some posters that they arrange an open marriage with their spouse. I am not going to attack your position or advice. But, since I don't agree with that or cheating, I think that if you aren't getting it at home in your marriage, you aren't getting it. I don't know if this makes sense- please let me know if you need me to clarify something.
Well, thanks for clarifying your position, BearHitch, but I am still left wondering how you would propose a married couple handle a sexual incompatibility. What if all options at attempting to rectify the situation fail? You talk to your partner, and nothing changes. You go to a sex therapist - still nothing changes. You ask your partner if they are comfortable with you going outside the marriage to get their needs met - they refuse this request but also refuse to change their own behavior. Then what? Presumably, the only next step I can see is separation and/or divorce. I would not expect a partner to live in a perpetually frustrated state about any important issue, especially one like sex, which can go on for quite a prolonged period.
So the "vow" has been broken. I noticed in your response to me that you offered no solution for married people in this situation. To me, the solution is the same - the relationship breaks up. So it doesn't particularly matter whether they have taken marriage vows or not.
If you get married, and it doesn't work - hey, you get divorced. No biggie. People divorce all the time for reasons much less "serious" than that they aren't getting laid by their partners. But I don't happen to put marriage up on some higher pedestal as an institution that we should all "aspire" to. Right now, millions of gays can't even GET married because of rampant homophobia in the U.S. Maybe I'd have a little more respect for those who want to sanction marriage as an important cultural institution if our society weren't so intent on violating the civil rights of millions of people using the ridiculous covers of "marriage is traditionally between a man and a woman." (Yeah, "traditionally," we once legalized slavery and denied women the right to vote, too.) Or because gays marrying would lead to folks wanting to marry their pets or their siblings (yeah, check with the dozens of other countries around the world who sanction gay marriage and let us know if this actually happens), or any of the other ridiculous and homophobic "arguments" that have been used to prevent an entire group from doing what the majority has done ad nauseam, with lukewarm results at best (divorce rate=50%).
So the "vow" has been broken. I noticed in your response to me that you offered no solution for married people in this situation. To me, the solution is the same - the relationship breaks up. So it doesn't particularly matter whether they have taken marriage vows or not.
If you get married, and it doesn't work - hey, you get divorced. No biggie. People divorce all the time for reasons much less "serious" than that they aren't getting laid by their partners. But I don't happen to put marriage up on some higher pedestal as an institution that we should all "aspire" to. Right now, millions of gays can't even GET married because of rampant homophobia in the U.S. Maybe I'd have a little more respect for those who want to sanction marriage as an important cultural institution if our society weren't so intent on violating the civil rights of millions of people using the ridiculous covers of "marriage is traditionally between a man and a woman." (Yeah, "traditionally," we once legalized slavery and denied women the right to vote, too.) Or because gays marrying would lead to folks wanting to marry their pets or their siblings (yeah, check with the dozens of other countries around the world who sanction gay marriage and let us know if this actually happens), or any of the other ridiculous and homophobic "arguments" that have been used to prevent an entire group from doing what the majority has done ad nauseam, with lukewarm results at best (divorce rate=50%).
keko, women sometimes have a VERY hard time being open with their partners. She might be feeling pressured, stressed, overwhelmed - she might even be turned off by something as silly as your breath. The point is sometimes our partners are the HARDEST people to be honest with because we're afraid of hurting them and getting hurt. I would recommend showing her that you're open to hearing how she feels - EVEN if it's critical of you. If she doesn't outright admit anything, give her time.
I recommend approaching this with caution because if it's been a year, that means you two have had enough time to establish patterns (good and bad) that reinforce the situation you're in. If you really want things to change, then you're going to need to address it with determination and tact.
Just a suggestion. Good luck!
I recommend approaching this with caution because if it's been a year, that means you two have had enough time to establish patterns (good and bad) that reinforce the situation you're in. If you really want things to change, then you're going to need to address it with determination and tact.
Just a suggestion. Good luck!
I am curious how the past few years she has lost desire for you when you have just been together for a year. Why don't you ask her why she hasn't been as interested in sex instead of assuming she just isn't as attracted to you? Sex is important in a relationship, but since you aren't married, it is not the end all, be all of a relationship. Maybe its not as important to her- maybe your new habit of porn bothers her- you won't know if you don't ask her and have an open discussion about it. That's what I would recommend. And if it is a requirement for you to have a girlfriend that has sex with you at least once a week and she's not that type of girl, move on.
BearHitch: "Sex is important in a relationship, but since you aren't married, it is not the end all, be all of a relationship"
I couldn't let this one slide. Since when is "not being married" a factor in what somebody wants in their relationship? You just discounted the experiences of millions of people with this comment. Whether they are married or not really isn't the issue, is it? Who cares?
For some folks, sex may not be the "end-all" of a relationship. But that sure as **** doesn't have anything to do with being married or not. Clearly, for this particular guy, it's important. He needs to talk to his partner about what's going on. Does she have a physical or emotional problem that is impacting her sex drive? (Clinical depression comes to mind, but there are many others.) Is she having self-esteem problems? Is she just not attracted to him any more? It could be anything, and he's not going to know until he talks to her. He needs to tell her that it is hurtful to be rejected sexually. He needs to tell her he wants to get back to the sex life they had, if that's the comparison he's making here, to their past frequency. In other words, he needs to tell her that he's not happy and what can they do about it?
But if they are not married, sex shouldn't be important. . .well, I'm close to blowing a gasket on that one. Please. There are millions of gays in the U.S. who don't have the option of marrying - their civil rights are being violated in this regard - are you telling me that their sex lives aren't important? There are people who are having relationships who are just not ready for marriage - are their sex lives not important? There are people who don't buy into the construct of marriage as a viable or meaningful endeavor. Are you discounting the importance they place on sex? Or do you just want to discount any relationship that doesn't consist of a marriage between a man and a woman?
Maybe you could clarify this comment for us. I for one would be interested in knowing why sex shouldn't be important to me. (I'm in a relationship but not married.)
I couldn't let this one slide. Since when is "not being married" a factor in what somebody wants in their relationship? You just discounted the experiences of millions of people with this comment. Whether they are married or not really isn't the issue, is it? Who cares?
For some folks, sex may not be the "end-all" of a relationship. But that sure as **** doesn't have anything to do with being married or not. Clearly, for this particular guy, it's important. He needs to talk to his partner about what's going on. Does she have a physical or emotional problem that is impacting her sex drive? (Clinical depression comes to mind, but there are many others.) Is she having self-esteem problems? Is she just not attracted to him any more? It could be anything, and he's not going to know until he talks to her. He needs to tell her that it is hurtful to be rejected sexually. He needs to tell her he wants to get back to the sex life they had, if that's the comparison he's making here, to their past frequency. In other words, he needs to tell her that he's not happy and what can they do about it?
But if they are not married, sex shouldn't be important. . .well, I'm close to blowing a gasket on that one. Please. There are millions of gays in the U.S. who don't have the option of marrying - their civil rights are being violated in this regard - are you telling me that their sex lives aren't important? There are people who are having relationships who are just not ready for marriage - are their sex lives not important? There are people who don't buy into the construct of marriage as a viable or meaningful endeavor. Are you discounting the importance they place on sex? Or do you just want to discount any relationship that doesn't consist of a marriage between a man and a woman?
Maybe you could clarify this comment for us. I for one would be interested in knowing why sex shouldn't be important to me. (I'm in a relationship but not married.)
we were good friends? what does that mean baby?
i understand your desires are important.but not more than your friend.did you make her feel sex is more important to you than she is?reason could be many but you wont find, till the time you stop sulking and start comunicating.she is stil around that means she stil wants you.so don waste time TALK TO HER.
ALL THE BEST
i understand your desires are important.but not more than your friend.did you make her feel sex is more important to you than she is?reason could be many but you wont find, till the time you stop sulking and start comunicating.she is stil around that means she stil wants you.so don waste time TALK TO HER.
ALL THE BEST
Have you talked to your girlfriend about this ? If so, what is her response ? If you haven't talked to her about how you are feeling, I think you should.
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