Help

Good morning or evening or day or night or afternoon guys and whassup. How do you start to be less of a "caring" person and I do not mean that maliciously. I mean how do you stop working with others and put yourself first. I shall give you an example.

As many of you know (it has been repeated many times, so I realise) I lost a friend in August or maybe even before that and during the seven month quest to make things right with her and figure out why she left me, I killed myself, I am not going to lie.

My counsellor (the school counsellor) made a suggestion to me but he said "it is going to take a lot emotional energy. How much energy are you willing to put into this?" I said I shall do whatever it takes, just hit me, I ain't scared or anything. And so I went out and apologised to her personally with everything he told me in mind.  

It didn't work and he said to me in the interview afterwards that I had to put myself first. I was not even putting myself in the equation wanting to make things right with this other girl (Stefanie). And yes, I must admit, everytime I apologised and everytime she would knock it back it was a massive shot to the heart and it really hurt.

It took a lot of energy just to approach her and apologise and then it didn't work.

I don't know precisely why I kept on tryng looking back on it, but I can confidently say it was because I still cared about her. Everytime I would see her she seems really uncomfortable, almost as if she is scared of me or something and the thing is, I don't want anyone around me to feel uncomfortable or get hurt.

That's why I kept on trying to make it right, so she would stop being so uncomfortable with me which I really hated seeing.

This is the case with other friends of mine also. I try my best to work with them and, I'm not going to say fix them, but just help them through whatever it is. Because the worst thing for me is seeing someone hurt, especially a friend and you just want it to stop.

I know now (it's been fruitfully repeated many times by members here) that trying to fix issues that aren't yours isn't necessarily recommended and not your obligation. "If you don't **** it up, it isn't your obligation to fix it."

So the question is, how do be less caring about other people's emotions. Not other people's SITUATIONS. That's what people seem to think, I don't give much about other people's SITUATIONS. just the bad EMOTIONS they cause because I really hate seeing that.

People realise I am like that, they say "I know you are a really caring person/friend...." and that sentence never ends well LOL.

So yeah, how do you start?

I hope you understand, feel free to ask any questions in your response, just be sure to come back to this question for the answers later.

Thanks, Hamed Khatiz.

[TTinKKerBBell]

You don't have to stop being a "caring" person if that's who/what You are

BUT

When someone is done - leave them alone.  You've apologized and that's enough - don't keep approaching.  It could begin to feel like harrasment to the person who wants You to leave her alone.

[specialmom]

You can care without overinvolving yourself into someone else's business.  Why do you think you try to situate yourself right in the middle of other people's life?  Is there something lacking in your own?  I say that with a soft place in my heart for you dear.  

I want you to find a new hobby or get more into the one's you already do.  You need to spend time on  you and let others work on their own lives.  

Being a friend doesn't mean knowing what is right for them, telling them how to do things, judging the choices that they make.  It means just having fun with them.  
good luck

[teko]

Being a friend and caring for someone is lending your ear, letting them vent, or cry on your shoulder. It is not solving their lifes problems for them. It is allowing them to be what,who they are without rejection, even if you think they are wrong and loving them anyway.

There is a very slim margin between the caring person and the controlling person. Be careful.

If your help is asked for that is great! Try to help.
If it is not asked for, listen and mind your own? Otherwise, it is more about you than it is about them.

[Londres70]

Totally agree with the above posters.

I see that you are seeing a school counsellor, but are you seeing a therapist outside your school as well?  If not, that would be HIGHLY recommended.  I would suggest ernestly seeking solutions for YOUR obvious issues with more professional help.  

[RockRose]

I agree with the others,  and think you need to form relationships where you see yourself as an equal to your friends,  not an advisor or counselor.

I don't think you "care too much". I think you're uncomfortable forming peer relationships where you are equal,  and you seek out other students who you believe you can advise and mentor.

[Londres70]

Great point Rockrose; agree.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

RockRose ROCKS again!!

(EveryOne is in agreement here but You knocked it out of the water!!)