Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

Help

I got married at 19 and 5 years ago.  My husband and I now have 2 kids, well I have fallen in love with another man.  I want to leave my husband and the only reason why is because I am not in love with him the way I should be.  What should I do?
11 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
Wow, I think you've received some excellent advice on here!   Sometimes men need to be helped to become connected fathers.  My two kids are in their teens now, and it used to really irritate me that my husband didn't seem close to them.  I knew time was short before they'd be grown, so i didn't wait for him to figure it out, I'd tell him, "I think (our son) needs you to give him a hug" or needs to talk or needs some daddy time.  I'd sometimes arrange for him to take one of the kids out for time together and tell him "You have a date with (our daughter) tonight, she needs some time with you."  Over time, I saw him get closer to them and he seemed to enjoy them more.  He's always loved them,  but very often, men aren't taught how to be daddys, they only know how to provide the money and hang around the house.  They don't always know how to interact.  I bet your husband has a lot more wisdom in his head and heart than you realize.  Give him the opportunities to experience these things and you will learn more about him.
Helpful - 0
174515 tn?1191707269
"What should I do? "

stop living in this fantasy world where you think a man who will be with you while you are married to another man is going to ever be a good partner or father.

you're teaching your children in your actions,and i doubt this is the lesson they need. you talk about the teaching of Goc to your daughter, and yet seem to toss your marriage aside because you think the grass is greener.

in all honesty i think you need to let this "friend" know that you need to spend more time and effort forging a friendship with your husband, then be blatantly honest with your husband about how you feel he is not connected to you or your children. only after you've given up this man and honestly tried to make your marriage work will you know if it is time to end it.

i'm not seeing any reason to not stay for you. well aside from this fantasy. maybe you're bored. 5 years could be long enough to feel like things are in a rut. so make it fun, spice it up, whatever it takes, but at least give your husband a fair chance.
Helpful - 0
164559 tn?1233708018
This guy should be no wheres near your kids!!!!!  You are having an affair and involving your innocent kids?  That's wildly inappropriate.

You are a married woman, a mother of two.  You need to grow up and work on your marriage.  Give this other guy the boot, get into some counselling.  You will always be joined to your husband through your kids, do you really want to make your kids suffer through a divorce.  (Which will get ugly when your husband discovers what you have been up to).

If this guy knew anything about God, he would know that God says marriage is sacred and he would keep his grubby little paws off.
Helpful - 0
198504 tn?1195158059
Other than you falling out of love with your husband and you saying that you feel he is not as connected with his own children the way this new guy is, does your husband treat you well? Has he been a good husband to you and good father to your children overall? If you are questioning leaving him because you fell in love with this guy, it just sounds very wrong if all else in the marriage is fine between the two of you. Falling in love with this new guy makes me wonder if you have gone as far as to cheat on your husband and it is none of my business, but If you have had sex with this guy maybe your connecting those feelings with love. Regardless if you have or have not I think it would be in your and your childrens best interest to go to counseling, It sounds like you are very quick to just want to give up on your marriage, just take a step back and analize what all you could loose and would it really be worth it, take it from someone that learned the hard way. Good luck and take care.
Helpful - 0
202705 tn?1202924547
...plus, do you really want to have someone else raise your children??

don't let your marriage go to waste, you'll regret it later. get rid of this creep and concentrate on what made you fall in love w/ your husband in the first place. bring out those qualities, talk to him, spend time alone together, bring back those good times when you were still madly in love with him.

good luck!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Please listen to the other posters because they know what they are talking about!

You married young and maybe you are thinking that *the grass is greener*, but let me tell you, most times it's not!!  I also married young and while I did try to make my marriage work throughout the yrs, it was my husband who had the affairs and wanted things to end and guess what? We separated and he moved in with his *friend* and believe me when I tell you he regrets so much! The hurt and pain to all of us, especially our children, was immense.

Seriously, just this morning he was here at my house going through some financial things and he said to me that he wishes that things could be different...he has said this on many occasions to me and others (including our kids..which wasn't good). But things will never be again...too much water under the bridge...guess who is sorry now...not me...I love him and always will but not enough to go back.

Do you want to know what the ironic part about this whole thing is? Little Miss Friend doesn't trust him as far as she could throw him...and she's right because if they do it WITH you they will do it TOO you...my hubby can never be faithful, oh well, so sorry for her! And even if your *friend* does proclaim his undying love and fidelity, you will always wonder...

Please do yourself and your family a favor and forget this man and work on making your marriage the best it can be. BTW, if your excuse why *friend* is sooo much better than hubby is because he can *understand* your kids, well that's pretty lame!! Noone is this world is perfect and maybe if you would talk to your husband instead of this creep your husband would have a fighting chance.

PS...It's so easy to be a *friend* to your kids but it's a different ballgame when he's *stepdad*!!

Helpful - 0
177641 tn?1189755837
I couldn't agree more, waitingwithhope. Real43, a new man won't fix what you feel is lacking. Don't look down on your husband for not having all the answers either - it's a way to create excuses for exaggerating his imperfections. Since you're concerned about your husband not being as connected to your children, why don't you talk to him about it and give him a chance to know what's wrong?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
If this other man was really someone with high morals and someone who you would want your children to look up to--then he would not be pursing you or allowing himself to become best friends with you knowing you are married. Even if it did work out with this other man, wouldn't you always wonder if he would find someone else while he was with you? Any decent man would back out of this situation and tell you straight up to work on your marriage and disappear. If this other man truly loved you and RESPECTED you, he would know that what he was doing is only going to confuse you more and make you less likely to stick with your marriage.
The more you connect with this man, the less of a chance you will be able to connect with your husband. If there is any way you can get counseling, I would pursue it. Also..fix what is lacking in your marriage. A new man can't fix this--you will only recreate it with the next man. At least give your marriage a shot--get the counseling, stick only with your husband for now and tell the other man that you need him to disappear. Then, even if your marriage does not work, you are leaving the relationship knowing you did all you could. And...remember...being in love is a feeling. Marriage is a commitment to staying with someone--even if the "feeling" is not there. Feelings will fluctuate and it is normal to have times where you don't "feel" in love. Sometimes the only way to bring back those feelings is to start with yourself and start showing your husband love and affection--even when you don't feel like it.
Especially since you have two children, I would really want things to work out with your husband (provided your husband is not abusive or cheating on you, etc.). All the best...
Helpful - 0
154765 tn?1237247944
bip
You have a tuff decision to make.......I know you are falling in love with the other man. I would try to work it out with your husband  that is my opinion........ Do what you think its best for you and your 2 children.....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Even if this other man I have known and become best friends over the past year and a half.  He and I can talk about everything.  I lost my mother about 2 years ago and I didn't know how to help my 4yr old understand and My husband just said oneday she will.  Well I turned to my friend and he helped me teach my oldest about God and what is going on with everything.  He seems to be better connected to my children then my own husband.  This is the problem I am having.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
Forget the other man.  Whenever you have longings for him,  go give your two children a big hug.  Don't ruin their lives for a man who you will also fall out of love with very soon.

Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.