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Avatar universal

Herpes Guy left Me?!!!

I met this great guy, we had everything in common, very attracted to each other and our chemistry was great.
He told me he had genital herpes and I accepted it however he mentioned that apparently I came across as very nervous when he told me.
But do you blame me, its a contagious life long disease and I wanted to know the facts.
We continued dating for another month and had sex which I'm now regretting because he became quite distant with me and had doubts about himself and us. We are now done as he didn't want to continue the relationship as he didn't want anything serious with me but in the beginning that's all he wanted with me and his back on an online dating website.
Did he use me for sex or did I make him doubtful because I was worried about catching herpes?  
Best Answer
Avatar universal
You live and learn.  

To fair on his behalf this man revealed quite a lot to you......important info that I consider "red flags."  Combined this with your inexperience in regards to dating and you have a recipe for problems.  

Sounds like this man has issues with intimacy/commitment in regards to women and he is just going through women like water.  As soon as a woman get too close he ends things.  Not sure if this is stemming from him being rejected by a lot of women in the past or if he himself is the one doing the pulling away all the time.  Perhaps he did have feelings for you.....not sure.  Ideally, he shouldn't be dating anyone right not and really should seek professional help to deal with his issues.  I would say he has had these issues for a LONG time.  

"I just wanted to make him happy."........Hon, a man should be coming to you already happy and that is not your responsibility to make him happy.  

I really think he did you an enormous favor.  I can imagine it hurts and you are upset because of what happened, but you will go on smarter and more informed about how to date......all was not lost.  

Be safe, be careful and be selective.  

All the best.  



12 Responses
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Avatar universal
Thank-you!
That's what hurt the most, seeing him on that website. I know for better next time never to be fooled by one's words.

All the best to you too and thank-you again :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You're welcome.  

I can imagine the pain and confusion after this, but you need to understand this wasn't about you but about him.  Even though you stated you didn't have much dating experience at least you do know how to be decent to another human being as he hasn't a clue.  It is sad he's not interested in changing being that he is back on the prowl looking for more women to do the same thing over and over.  That's my guess.

You sound like a decent person and you deserve better.  

All the best.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Many thanks for your wisdom, I really appreciate it, I can't explain how much that helped me. It just hurts because I had fallen for him and he knew that and ended things as soon as I told him how I felt about him so I'm feeling very confused and lost. And its the missing him that's hard to get over now.
Thanks Chima7, I haven't been tested as yet but I've made an appointment, I just pray I didn't contract it :(
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Don't beat yourself up over it. Many of us have made mistakes in our past with choosing the wrong person. It happens. But as I've been told by people wiser than me, even the bad experiences can be looked upon as positive because it was a lesson learned. If we never make mistakes, we never learn the lesson. So, relax because now you know to be a lot more selective about who you sleep with.

Also, you didn't say whether you went to get tested for herpes yet. Please go do that soon do you will know. Otherwise it will drive you insane. Better yet, get a whole std panel with all the tests, just to be on the safe side. This guy sounds creepy enough to me that I'd recommend a thorough evaluation.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks everyone for all your different opinions.
I was very naive as I haven't had much dating experience and I'm a very shy 25yr old female, so if you can understand I'm feeling very sad and pathetic and terrified about the herpes factor. I honestly believed he genuinely felt something for me, he told me a lot of girls his dated were never that interested in him and left him always... He told me a lot of personal things I personally wouldn't have told someone if I wasn't in a relationship with so I thought he must trust me as it was things you wouldn't be proud of. He did have an episode prior to us having sex, a mini meltdown saying he has never been in a serious long term relationship before and he was worried if we got together and if we were to ever break up that I would be in the same predicament as him. I know he took having herpes very badly and his an introvert and bottled it in. I did get paranoid after we did things together id mention the risks involved of transmission but I still chose to continue seeing him as my feelings developed during the third month to being quite strong. Sex was very special to me and he said I made him feel good about himself in that department. I just wanted to make him happy.... He told me he had feelings for me but didn't want to hurt me. But then he was probably lying cos if he had feelings for me why was he back on that online dating website so soon when I was still with him... He wanted casual in the end :(
Helpful - 0
3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi, yes, being a guy, i would say he used you for sex. Typical to be full of love and promises in the begining then once conquested would move on. But i would add that its possible that the sex he was using you for was not satisfying as men would compromise true feelings and commit solely for sex. (in my opinion)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
"Sounds like he wants ZERO intimacy a woman"   is supposed to be "Sounds like he wants ZERO intimacy with a woman."  Typos....uggg.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
"Did he use me for sex or did I make him doubtful because I was worried about catching herpes?"......He used you for sex for sure and the other reason.....hmmm, not sure.

What exactly were you saying to make him "doubtful?"  If a man told me he had Herpes I would think LONG and HARD before becoming sexually intimate with him.  I would make sure the relationship was solid after several months of dating.

Herpes isn't something easy to deal with......it is a lifelong problem and a terrible thing to deal with.  He is probably grappling with this psychologically on a daily basis.  Sounds like he isn't interested in being in any serious relationship and maybe that is mostly due to this Herpes dx.  Obviously it isn't great that someone with this kind of dx. is seeking online hook-ups through online dating sites.  Sounds like he wants ZERO intimacy a woman.  Sounds like he did you a favor by disappearing.  Let him be someone else's issue/problem I say.  

Please be careful.  That would of been awful if you found out you had this disease after he didn't want anything else to do with you.  Please be more thoughtful.  I see this quite often (I am a nurse), and it isn't anything you want to be dealing with.  Herpes is more than a disease.....it's a lifestyle change in a BAD sense.  

Chin up and move on to better things.  
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, who knows. BUT, isn't this part of dating?  he may not have used you for sex but instead, felt less inclined to want to date you as time went on.  That does happen and actually IS the purpose of dating.

You had every right to be nervous about herpes.  And every right to be miffed that he was pulling away a bit once you had sex.  

You should NOT have gotten herpes as surely you used protection, correct?  If you didn't ---------  NO.  You don't confront him because he was up front with you.  You had the facts.  And if you got it even if you used a condom, that would be very rare and again, he did do the right thing and told you up front about the herpes.  Do you know how many guys don't tell?  So, you have nothing to be angry at him about if you contracted herpes from him because after you knew he had it, you made a choice to be with him.  And herpes is something that protection will make it very unlikely that it will be passed on.  So, I'm going to assume you used protection.

I do feel bad as this never feels good.  Rejection really stinks!!  I've been there and it makes us second guess ourselves and what we do.  But, in reality, it is just part of the process of finding the right person.

good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
That's what I was afraid of :'(
And that's exactly how I was feeling, we were very close the first 2 months of dating and on the third month when we started having sex he was getting distant with me. I confronted him saying I wanted to become exclusive eventual if we continued and it went down hill from there.

I'm guessing me finding him on the online dating website again is a big indication huh?

What happens if I get herpes!!! Should I confront him?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
My gut feeling is that he used you for sex, based on what you've posted. Did you get tested, I hope, after having sex with him? If not, you need to for sure. Who knows what this guy's deal is, for all we know, he could be trying to get as many girls in bed as he can. There are all types of creeps on dating sites so you shouldn't have sex with any of them until you've been in a relationship with them first and know that he's not just looking for another notch on his bedpost.
Helpful - 0
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