Aa
Hi all.
Ok, so I have some issues with my husband and my relationship and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to divorce my husband. I don't think we're anywhere near that point, but I don't feel like I can communicate with him. He's active duty army and is usually stressed about work, even on his off days. I try to talk to him, but we usually end up in an argument. I try to avoid arguments, but when something's bothering me I try to have a calm conversation about it, he gets all defensive or just doesn't pay attention. He says he's listening but he's either playing with one of our dogs, watching tv, or doing something on the computer. We just got back from a two night vacation to Jeju Island (we're stationed in S Korea) and we actually talked for about an hour, no tv, no nothing, just talking, while we were there. I pointed out the fact that we were having a conversation and he said it was because he knew there was no way he could get called into work, but I told him he shouldn't be stressing over something that's not happened yet. He works shifts where he's on for three days for 12 hours and off for three days, sometimes he gets called in on his off days. I'm irritated because it's been five weeks since we last had sex, and we we've been planning to have another baby, our son is 14 months, and I don't see how we would when he's never in the mood. I'm not sure I want to have another yet now, we wanted to start trying again in Nov/Dec. I just don't know what to do to get him to talk to me. We don't talk, we rarely have sex...I try to get him to talk to me about work, and what's been stressing him out, or just whatever is bothering him, but he won't talk to me about it. I don't understand everything with his job, so he doesn't bother trying. Any advice?
I think yer over thinkin it. It sounds like two things happning here and the rest are reactions to those two things. Stress and Lack of Communication because of the stress! I cannot even begin to imagine what must go thru his mind on a daily basis not to mention, the emotions that those thoughts invoke. All I can say is, it ***** to be you, because in an average relationship these days it is very hard to keep things on track. In your situation it is much much tougher! Sex is something that happens from good thoughts and feelings and is pretty much impossible to accomplish with someone without them. Communication, or lack of it will compound the problem on a daily basis. He needs help, You need help and then both of you together need help in order to get thru these tuff times between you. It does not mean you do not love each other but only that you have hit a hurdle in your lives that you cannot climb alone, without a clear sighted person being involved to guide you back to each other! You have a curtain over yur face is all. It will all be ok, eventually. U just cannot see the forrest for the trees is all and need to find your way.
peaceinknowing...I'm an Intelligence Analyst for the Army Reserves, and I hold a Top Secret clearance. I fully understand the importance of what you can and can not discuss. In my unit I'm in charge of things that I can't talk about to just anyone, I have access to things I can't discuss, with anyone. BUT I can talk about any part of my job without discussing anything I shouldn't. I can tell you I'm in charge of a safe, but I can't tell you what's in it. Also, as I have stated, we are thinking of trying for a baby again in Nov/Dec. I know I'm head of some people on days because of being in Korea, I'm thirteen hours ahead of EST, but I'm not that far ahead. We aren't trying yet. We won't be for at least another two months. So there's no pressure of another baby right now.
Out of sheer curiousity...have you ever tried making love to your husband (recently) without the incident or bringing up of another child into play? The reason why I ask, is because I know (from being told from guy friends, etc.) that sometimes they just want to have sex/make love to their wives just to do it, and not souly because they wish to have another child. I know you said your husband has mentioned that he would like another child as well, but if the lines of communications are being placed on hold -- then maybe the idea[s] of a second child being brought into the picture should be as well.
The ARMY is extremely stressful, and my hat goes off to you and any other member here on this forum who are within a relationship where their significant other is in the military. I dated a guy in the military for quite some time and I couldn't deal with it. I wasn't strong enough, so I take the blame for that.
I know you say that it's hard to talk with your husband when he is dealing with the stress of whether or not he will be called into work in the middle of a conversation, but sometimes "not thinking about what isn't happening" is easier said than done when it comes to something like the military, you know? I'm sure that things will get back to the way that they were. Keep in mind that 9/11 JUST recently came up and passed. Believe it or not, there are a lot of things that military men/women are not allowed to speak about, even with their spouses. There could be something going on where they're all on edge at this point and time.
I wish I could be of more help, but just wanted to try and brighten your spirits up a little bit more than what they seem to be as of late. Good luck, and try your hardest to keep your head up -- also, keep us posted on how things go for the both of you.
The ARMY is extremely stressful, and my hat goes off to you and any other member here on this forum who are within a relationship where their significant other is in the military. I dated a guy in the military for quite some time and I couldn't deal with it. I wasn't strong enough, so I take the blame for that.
I know you say that it's hard to talk with your husband when he is dealing with the stress of whether or not he will be called into work in the middle of a conversation, but sometimes "not thinking about what isn't happening" is easier said than done when it comes to something like the military, you know? I'm sure that things will get back to the way that they were. Keep in mind that 9/11 JUST recently came up and passed. Believe it or not, there are a lot of things that military men/women are not allowed to speak about, even with their spouses. There could be something going on where they're all on edge at this point and time.
I wish I could be of more help, but just wanted to try and brighten your spirits up a little bit more than what they seem to be as of late. Good luck, and try your hardest to keep your head up -- also, keep us posted on how things go for the both of you.
Thank you all for your posts. You have given me some good advice as far as what to do to help us communicate better. I'll try to keep you updated on how things are going, and let you know what is and is not working so if you anyone else reads this with the same problems, then maybe they can learn something from my post.
megochick101~I apologize for not clarifying in my first post about our statuses. I didn't think you were calling me a nagging b!tchy wife, I was just saying that because that's what I feel like I come off as to my husband sometimes when I try to get him to talk to me.
megochick101~I apologize for not clarifying in my first post about our statuses. I didn't think you were calling me a nagging b!tchy wife, I was just saying that because that's what I feel like I come off as to my husband sometimes when I try to get him to talk to me.
Oh and I don't think you are a naggy b*tching wife either, I wasn't at all trying to make my post sound like it was all you and not his fault with the communication. I was just trying to give you a perspective about marriage with a military man that i went through based on the fact that in your original post it sounded to me like you were a military spouse.
Wow, I'm sorry if I offended you, it wasn't my intention. From your first post, It just sounded like you didn't understand how stressful the army was and you made no me mention that both you guys are in the army. I was just trying to help and give you my experience since I was married to a man who was in the army and is now also in the army reserves, although not in active duty like yourself. I'm sorry if i assumed that you were an army spouse based on your post, but I did offer good advice about marriage counseling. If you two have trouble communicating then a marriage counselor can help. There's usually free counseling on base, or you could talk to your PCM about getting a referral to a counselor, or just call your tricare office and see what exactly they cover and what you need to do in your region to get a counselor.
Thank for the respond, the advice was sincere and I do hold a Bachlor from DePaul University in Communications and Marketing. I do wish you well and I know you will be able to work through your issues. :) Judy
I'm not in the military but I have a stressful job that is more or less a 24/7 job...I can be called at anytime to do what I do and one week out of the month I am actually on call and can go 2 or 3 nights without much sleep..fortunately I don't have to leave the house, I work on a laptop and a cell phone...but I deal with upset Customers, upset engineers and other upset ticked off people. When I'm done with work the last thing I want to do is sit down with my wife and discuss what bills came today or where the cat peed or why I'm so "down" today...I need to wind down...usually with a cup of coffee and a cigarette
and my dog out in the garage. Even then, I don't talk alot about "The Relationship"....not that I don't love my wife..I'm just not a "talker". Not that I sit around all the time and never say anything...my wife knows how my voice sounds. I tell her I love her, I listen to her issues and try to fix whatever is my problem because it seems everything IS my problem...I'm there for her when she's sick, hurting...I've been there as she's lived through breast cancer, several related surgeries and many doctor appointments.
But as I tell her, it's hard for me to talk when she spends most of her time mad at me because I won't talk or I didn't wipe off the counters after I did the dishes, etc...I like to laugh and make wisecracks and try to make other people laugh...that bugs her..another reason...I just shut up, quit doing dishes (or cooking) because I make "a big mess" whenever I do..
Jim
and my dog out in the garage. Even then, I don't talk alot about "The Relationship"....not that I don't love my wife..I'm just not a "talker". Not that I sit around all the time and never say anything...my wife knows how my voice sounds. I tell her I love her, I listen to her issues and try to fix whatever is my problem because it seems everything IS my problem...I'm there for her when she's sick, hurting...I've been there as she's lived through breast cancer, several related surgeries and many doctor appointments.
But as I tell her, it's hard for me to talk when she spends most of her time mad at me because I won't talk or I didn't wipe off the counters after I did the dishes, etc...I like to laugh and make wisecracks and try to make other people laugh...that bugs her..another reason...I just shut up, quit doing dishes (or cooking) because I make "a big mess" whenever I do..
Jim
Please excuse my naivety on the subject, I know nothing about the army or what benefits you get. Does the army supply a marriage counselor of sorts or any therapists? I would think they do since people, both men and women alike have I'm sure experienced major traumatic events. Can you look into that and see if you can get some help? I know that men and women are so different and adding military pressure into the mix doesn't help. I know communication can be hard in general. A counselor can give you great tips on how to communicate in an effective manner. I know that being in the army is demanding, however, I do not think anything is wrong with her wanting to better her marriage.
I'm only offended because some posts sound like they're in defense of my husband, when I'm not asking anyone to pick sides, and I'm not asking you to feel sorry for him. I do understand he is stressed and under pressure. I know the army ****, but that's a lifestyle we have chosen, and we accept it. I understand that I will get many responses, form many points of view. I'm not new to medhelp, I'm in several communities. All I have asked from any reply is for advice to better communicate with my husband.
Judy246~~To reply to your first post, communication is exactly what I'm trying to work on. We aren't trying to have a baby yet, we were planning to start in Nov/Dec, as I said in my original post.
megochick101~~Not to offend you, but my husband and I have been in the army for a while now, and we fully understand the ins and outs, ups and downs. We know we're owned by the government, and we know what can happen when we do wrong. I don't need to "understand and respect" anything, because I'm living it as well, I may be reserves now, but I was active. I really don't think I need to "give him a break" either, as that's all he's been getting. I'm trying to change that and communicate with my husband to make our lives better. I'm not trying to be a nagging b!tchy wife, I'm trying to better my relationship with my husband.
Judy246~~To reply to your first post, communication is exactly what I'm trying to work on. We aren't trying to have a baby yet, we were planning to start in Nov/Dec, as I said in my original post.
megochick101~~Not to offend you, but my husband and I have been in the army for a while now, and we fully understand the ins and outs, ups and downs. We know we're owned by the government, and we know what can happen when we do wrong. I don't need to "understand and respect" anything, because I'm living it as well, I may be reserves now, but I was active. I really don't think I need to "give him a break" either, as that's all he's been getting. I'm trying to change that and communicate with my husband to make our lives better. I'm not trying to be a nagging b!tchy wife, I'm trying to better my relationship with my husband.
The only two other people that posted is myself and Mego and I gave you sincerely, honest advice. If you are referring to me, I never intended to be offensive in anyway and I have to agree with Ariom63, when people post not all responses will be what they want it to be and I do stand by what I said.
Please do not be offended by what I'm going to say next: Best option is finding the right time to address your issues with your husband (Communication in a relationship is always key), marriage counselor....or I don't know..Good luck.
Please do not be offended by what I'm going to say next: Best option is finding the right time to address your issues with your husband (Communication in a relationship is always key), marriage counselor....or I don't know..Good luck.
Hi...I read your post and understand somewhat how you must be feeling. By saying"somewhat" is only because I am engaged to someone who was in the military. They are for some reason different creatures of habit.
Please do get offended or hurt when someone gives you their opinion...that is what this forum is about. Not all responses are going to be what you want to hear. Some will positive and some not to your liking. When you put a question out there...well we leave our selves open for anything. They are just giving you their own advice, you can talk it or leave it.
I get what you are saying...for some (men in general) it seems they have some sort of complex about communicating. Wish I had the magical answer but I don't. We are all different. At this point I totally agree with VicUser..read about communicating with your partner..sometimes it is just the way we approach someone. If that doesn't work perhaps couple's therapy would. If he doesn't want to do that either...well then you either live with it or not.
Good luck!
Please do get offended or hurt when someone gives you their opinion...that is what this forum is about. Not all responses are going to be what you want to hear. Some will positive and some not to your liking. When you put a question out there...well we leave our selves open for anything. They are just giving you their own advice, you can talk it or leave it.
I get what you are saying...for some (men in general) it seems they have some sort of complex about communicating. Wish I had the magical answer but I don't. We are all different. At this point I totally agree with VicUser..read about communicating with your partner..sometimes it is just the way we approach someone. If that doesn't work perhaps couple's therapy would. If he doesn't want to do that either...well then you either live with it or not.
Good luck!
BTW I said I'm not sure if I am ready to have another baby yet because I feel like my husband and I need to learn communicate better first. There is no other reason why I.
Ok, apparently I'm getting some assumptions out of my post, or I didn't clarify. My husband and I both talked about having another baby, and he said first that he was ready whenever I am, and has continued to say that. If I asked him now he would say the same thing, he has said from the first conversation about another child that whenever I was ready we could try again, because it's my body. I am also in the Army, I am active reserves now. So I am still in his shoes, and I know exactly what it's like. I'm truly offended by what some of you wrote. I posted in this community because I was hoping I could get some advice on how to communicate better with my husband and help him with his worries and stresses, and instead of getting advice, I'm feel as if I'm getting my head bit off. I'm not pressuring my husband at all. I'm trying to communicate with him more, but finding it difficult to do so.
VicUser, thank you so much for the advice, I will try to find the book.
VicUser, thank you so much for the advice, I will try to find the book.
the only comment i have to make is i would not get pg just yet, as i believe you both need more time, before you bring another child into this world. luck jo
Sorry, i just wanted to add, that i;m not trying to be mean or harsh with you. But the army is very demanding and will take up about 75% of your husband, and for the time being you need to settle for only getting part of him. Oh and being away from family is probably not helping your situation, so i would definitely advise geting together with other army wives and families(if you haven't already), there's usually a family get together every month and being able to talk to other army wives really really will help you out!
If you need anymore help, or want to talk to someone who used to be an army wife and knows how it is, you can message me anytime :)
If you need anymore help, or want to talk to someone who used to be an army wife and knows how it is, you can message me anytime :)
Ahhh, the life of a military spouse, how glad I am I am no longer a part of that. My husband was also in the army and let me just say this, you should get used to his thoughts on the matter. Meaning he will always be stressed out from work, because in the army his work will never stop. they can call him in anytime, no reason and he has to go. The army OWNS your husband. It's a simple as that, if they ask him to work a 24hr shift after he has just gotten of from a normal 12 hr shift, he has to do it, he has NO choice in the matter. That's probably the root of his stress about work. You need to understadn that your husband does NOT have any freedom right now. He is tied to a job, mentally and physically 24/7/365. He can't just call off one day, he could call in sick as long as there's a doctors note but that about it. Unless there is some kind of family emergency, the army can call him to work anytime they want, regardless of what he wants or how he feels about, he has no say in the matter.
You need to put yourself in his shoes. Yes he is doing a great service to our country and is protecting our rights, but what is the cost of all that? The cost of him doing that for you and everyone else in the country is that he has forfeited his rights in the process. He cannot choose where he lives, cannot choose what hours he works, cannot even negotiate his pay. And i know from experience, the army pay is ****. Absolute ****! My husband was an E5 and it was just him, me and our son, and it was still a struggle to pay our bills and get by. He is basically on a leash right now with the army holding the other end, and you need to understand and respect that. Of course he is stressed out from work, you would be too if you had to work 12 hour days plus do PT everyday, and then have to be ready and able to work on your days off as well. Plus anything he does wrong can get him in trouble and make him lose money at his job. If he has a night out and then gets caught drinking, not only will he have to pay fines to the government, but he can also lose pay at work and be demoted. He is treated like an adolescent with the army and it *****. Give the guy a break.
About not having sex in 5 weeks. I do agree with Judy. With what the army pays i think he is probably not very conformable bringing another child into the world. One child is a lot of money, and adding another child will be double that amount (actually MORE than double for some unknown reason lol) and put even more stress on him to financially support all of you.
You need to have a serious talk with him, and if you two cannot have a calm reasonable adult conversation on your own, then go to marriage counseling. i think(not sure on this you may want to check) but I'm pretty sure tricare will cover the cost of marriage counseling.
You need to put yourself in his shoes. Yes he is doing a great service to our country and is protecting our rights, but what is the cost of all that? The cost of him doing that for you and everyone else in the country is that he has forfeited his rights in the process. He cannot choose where he lives, cannot choose what hours he works, cannot even negotiate his pay. And i know from experience, the army pay is ****. Absolute ****! My husband was an E5 and it was just him, me and our son, and it was still a struggle to pay our bills and get by. He is basically on a leash right now with the army holding the other end, and you need to understand and respect that. Of course he is stressed out from work, you would be too if you had to work 12 hour days plus do PT everyday, and then have to be ready and able to work on your days off as well. Plus anything he does wrong can get him in trouble and make him lose money at his job. If he has a night out and then gets caught drinking, not only will he have to pay fines to the government, but he can also lose pay at work and be demoted. He is treated like an adolescent with the army and it *****. Give the guy a break.
About not having sex in 5 weeks. I do agree with Judy. With what the army pays i think he is probably not very conformable bringing another child into the world. One child is a lot of money, and adding another child will be double that amount (actually MORE than double for some unknown reason lol) and put even more stress on him to financially support all of you.
You need to have a serious talk with him, and if you two cannot have a calm reasonable adult conversation on your own, then go to marriage counseling. i think(not sure on this you may want to check) but I'm pretty sure tricare will cover the cost of marriage counseling.
I understand his work is stressful and plays a hugh part in the situation, but 5 weeks without sex is questionable. Maybe that is he's way of saying, I don't want to get your pregnant yet, and he knows that by using a condom it will tell you he doesn't want you pregnant yet. Maybe, he doesn't respond to you, because he doesn't want to start an argument on the issue of pregnancy...try that first.
Do not pressure him on the topic of pregnancy when you still have a toddler at home, so when he comes home, wait for the right time and reassure him that you are ok with getting pregnant at a later time and she how he responds and his behavior afterward. See if he will open up to communication. Judy
Do not pressure him on the topic of pregnancy when you still have a toddler at home, so when he comes home, wait for the right time and reassure him that you are ok with getting pregnant at a later time and she how he responds and his behavior afterward. See if he will open up to communication. Judy
Do you like to read or listen to audio books? If so, I would recommend “The care and feeding of a Husband” by Dr Laura. I don’t think anyone hits on how a guy feels and can put into words what we need better than she has. I bought this for my wife but listened to it first and realized I was not the greatest Husband and have been working on stepping up my end, but please give it a try you have nothing to lose and I think you will see such a difference in him.
BTW, with your man being a warrior there are stresses and things I am sure he can’t and/or doesn’t want to burden you with. Both you and he are a special breed and I for one thank you both, him for serving to protect us and you for wanting to be the best loving wife to him.
BTW, with your man being a warrior there are stresses and things I am sure he can’t and/or doesn’t want to burden you with. Both you and he are a special breed and I for one thank you both, him for serving to protect us and you for wanting to be the best loving wife to him.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
