How can I get my wife to be more interested in more frequent and varied sex

[j7653]

This is probably a question you have heard many times, but I need to ask it anyway in order to get some perspective and new ideas....  How can I get my wife to be more interested in more frequent and more varied sex?

We dont have sex as much as I would like us to.  Nor is it as frequent or creative as I would like it to be or as it used to be.  When I ask her why she says "it is never on her mind".  When I ask her why she very seldom goes down on me, she said "she doesnt feel like it".   When I asked her why no more anal she said "she doesnt want to do it anymore, and to stop bugging her about it".

This all makes me feel rejected, especially when we used to have a much more creative and active sex life.

I tell her she is sexy, hot, and looks good almost every day.  I tell her I love her at least a few times a day.  I help around the house.  I exercise and stay fit.  I am a good parent (I think I am).

Sometimes I think I hound her too much to fool around and have sex.  Maybe I push her and she feels like a sex object.  But she turns me on and I get very frustrated having a hot wife that I would like to feel closer to and cant have sex with as much as I want.  I hope that someone can give me some ideas.

One last question... any aphrodisiacs that you can think of.  I am willing to listen.

[iam1butterfly]

So, is it only recently that she's felt this way?
Find out why she's not interested.
It being "... never on her mind." or her saying that "... she just doesn't feel like it" when it comes to oral sex; or, that she "... doesn't want to do [anal] anymore" isn't enough of an answer. Maybe, she's depressed or is experiencing other medical related problems.
As for aphrodisiacs, there are vibrators and sex toys that can make sex interesting... but, in order for those to work, she would have to be receptive to the idea.  

[Judy246]

It seems as you have a higher sex drive than she does. Maybe, after a long, hectic day with the children and cooking, cleaning, errands, nurse, teacher, groceries, etc...she is simply too tired.

[mami1323]

As women get older, just like men, their sex drive can decrease due to hormonal changes.  Not sure how old the both of you are but that could play a role in why she is just not interested.  I know that throughout my 6 year relationship I went through phases of wanted it everynight and then sometimes not being interested in it at all.  Women like to be romanced.  It takes more than just a compliment to get her in the mood.  Have you tried giving her a nice massage and let it start from there?  Maybe you can send the kids away for the weekend or take her away for the weekend and see if the break from the every day hustle and bustle can get her more in the mood.  Have you shared with her how your feeling?  How you feel rejected?  Not that you want to force her to do those things but that you miss the fun that you two used to share.  Something is bothering her no doubt.  You just have to get to the bottom of it.

[j7653]

We bought sex toys because she said she wanted them.  I take them out but she rarely wants to use them.  
We started watching porn together because she said she wanted to. I set it up but she rarely wants to watch it.
We go on "dates" quite frequently.  At least as much as we can afford to do it and have a baby sitter.
She only works part time, and (in my humble opinion) shouldnt be soooo exhausted at the end of the day.  She always finds time to do her exercise routine in the morning and watch her shows in the evening.
I talk to her about her lowered sex drive and I get the responses I told you about above.  But then she also gets mad at me for asking her because she says she has already told me over and over and over her feelings about our sex life and doesnt want to get into it again.

I am frustrated!

[mami1323]

Something else is going on then.  A woman just doesn't have a decrease in sex drive and get defensive when asked about it.  When I wasn't in the mood I would feel very badly about it and told him I was sorry and wondered if there was something wrong with me.  I wound up being pregnant and that's why I had a decrease in drive.  At the time I was exhausted and didn't know I was pregnant and felt so bad about it.  I never once got defensive for him wanting it.  Although at times I would get annoyed when he would try but I couldn't blame him for trying.  Have you mentioned going to counseling again?  Maybe she would open up more there.

[j7653]

We did the counseling thing as you know.  She really wasnt into it and I was on the fence.  Eventually we gave up due to lack of money (it wasnt covered under our plan) and a feeling that we were "picking at scabs".  We both felt we needed healing.

I agree with you that something else is going on.  It hurts to say this, but I feel like she is turned off to me and she just isnt sexually attracted to me anymore.  When I tell her that, she says it is not that.  It is just her lowered sex drive.  Its hard for me to believe that she has changed.  The obvious connection would be that the problems we had were related to her lack of attraction to me and that they are still lingering.  But she may not want to tell me such a harsh truth so instead she and I just struggle along.

She isnt pregnant (not possible).

I dont know if I could get her to speak with a counselor by herself since she doesnt think its a problem.  
  
One final disappointment is that she doesnt appear to take my needs seriously.  I would like to see her actively seeking a solution to what I see as a problem FOR US. Whether it be counseling, telling me what she wants, medication, etc....

[mami1323]

You think that after so many years of marriage that she isn't attracted to you?  I think she needs to own up to the issues in this relationship or else they may not get resolved.  You will become more frustrated than you already are, bitter, resentful and it will eat away at the marriage even more.  She needs to tell you what's wrong and if she doesn't know then she needs to figure it out.  You can't just keep moving along the way things are.  That's no way to live.  I wish I could help you more but you are right, this needs to get resolved.

[imanaddict]

Awww that was so sweet of you to say "she turns me on and I get very frustrated having a hot wife that I would like to feel closer to and cant have sex with as much as I want"

I can't say why your wife has lost interest in sex. There are so many reasons this happens to women! Hounding her could be a very real possibility. That can be a turn off if overdone. Something could be going on with her mentally and/or physically. Maybe she has someone else? Maybe she really is exhausted from daily activities. Maybe she just doesn't like sex, or maybe she feels as if there isn't enough passion or foreplay.

the possibilities are literally endless! She is the only one who can answer this for you and I honestly don't know what else to say if she doesn't think there's a problem. Evidently there is or you wouldn't be worried about it. What bothers me is why she's so dismissive.

[Lucey12]

My hubby tells me those things too but I dont feel it, WHY? cuz he doesnt touch me as much. Feel her, touch her, dont grab her like a chunk of meat, make her feel you want her and not just her body. Kiss her more, Tell her you love her more, make it more of a inner emotion thing not a sex/looks thing.

Heres a question for you, how can I get my husband to be more interested in sex, more often and more passionately? I feel he will get mad if I touch him as he often does if hes not in the mood, as he has done in the past. Its at the point where Im scared to put m hand on his leg cuz I think he will get mad.

[thelittlethings]

When my sex drive got really low I wanted to fix it.  Her not wanting to is not a good sign.  Good luck, I hope she opens up to you.
What fixed mine though, and I know it sounds cheesy, but it was reading romantic novels.  I would read some on like lunch or something, that way when I got home to my guy I was ready to go.  It really helped a lot.  Reading stories in details would turn me on.  And it's not just porn where it's people going at it, there is a story behind it so it's more realistic.  Maybe suggest that to her and give that a shot.
Good luck!!

[jo929]

You do not say how long you have been married, or how old your children are, and i think this does make a difference. in types of sex she may, and may not like, just take time take her out to dinner or go somewhere and have a long talk, she may feel she has outgrown, anal and just likes normal sex  when one is young they do have more sex, then i think that when the children come it slows down a bit, at least for some woman, maybe not for some, but you must ask her these things, and i think she will answer if you can refrain from talking about sex for awhile I do agree that you need an answer, but you may not like the one you get, remember there is more to marriage than sex  luck  jo

[teko]

Have you asked her? I mean, lol
She would be the one with the answers, ya think?
We can guess till the cows come home but it is just, guessing...
Maybe she views you differently, have you gained weight? Or maybe she is stressed, do you have financial issues? or Maybe she is tired, does she work outside the home, if she does not is she depressed? Hormone imbalance? C where im going with this? Its anybodys guess, so talk to your wife!

Then come back and let us know what she said!

[j7653]

You asked how you can get your husband to be more interested in sex more often.  This is an easy one for me because although I am complaining about not having enough sex, I do find that I usually want it more "when I want it".

Men are visual creatures.  Try this...  DO NOT touch him or come on to him.   He needs to unconsciously think it is his idea. Here is what you do...  

1. Bend over to look in the fridge or to pick something up.  Get down on the floor to look under the sofa if you must (lol).  For most men like me, they will get an internal rush of lust (like an innate animalistic instinct).  That simple thing works on me every time.

2. Lotion your body while looking in the mirror.  Wear your robe open so that it doesnt look too obvious.  DO NOT look at him.  Look at yourself as you do it.  Lotion all the good spots but again do NOT let him know that you are trying to turn him on.  He has to think it is HIS idea.

3.Wear some snug clothing and do some sexy yoga on the floor making sure he gets to see you.  Some good stretches or pelvic lifts should work.

4. Let him see you naked more often or changing more often.  Again, simple nudity works wonders!

5. DO NOTworry about if you feel fat, if you have a pimple, if you look tired, etc....  Men dont care about that anywhere near as much as women.  You can probably tell that already because we tend to have a gut, or hair coming out of our ears, or dont shave.

I wish it was this easy for me to know how to turn on my wife!

[Lucey12]

Nice information. Now tha you mention it, when I was wearing my bikini yesterday, it tuened him on. The housecoat open has done it. Bending over for sure. The naked thing...Im not to sure about, I sleep naked and am naked alot so its not a huge deal. He is an @$$ man though, the bending over thing,  yup last night naked in bed, bent over and although it was late, he coudlnt help it.

Thanks for the extra tips. I see my sex life going along much better. All the best.

[sunshine1976]

I also have a husband with a super sex drive.  If he wants it more often he has to stop making it all about sex.  Women are funny creatures. Sometimes the most unsexy thing gets us revved up.  If I'm in the bath & he brings me a cup of tea or glass of wine without being asked he's getting some that night.  Working around the house without complaint.  If I see my husband doing dishes it's an instant turn on.  Women sometimes feel that they are the only ones who see what needs to be taken care to make a house a home and keep it running.  Just doing little things that are'nt prompted by us asking (nagging) can flip the switch in us from uptight & fridged to relaxed and ready.  Remember alot of men use sex to relax while most women need to be relaxed to enjoy sex.  Show her you love her with little non-sexual acts.

[j7653]

Lucey - Glad I could help.  Good luck

Sunshine - Thanks for the tips.  Although I do feel I do a lot around the house, I mostly do the "man" things (lawn, garbage, cars, etc..).  I do vacuum and dishes sometimes.  I think I will pick up some wine on the way home and bring her a glass when she isnt expecting it.  I'll have one too!

[broke123]

my ex used to say "i feel like im standing outside of a porche dealership looking thru the glass... i can look but i cant touch.." he used to say things just like u are saying. that he does all this stuff around the house and feels like he deserves to get "some" for it and if he would buy me a present he would expect sex for it. eventually i started to feel like a sex object.and i would give and have sex with him just so he would stop complaining. which led to me feeling used. and as time went on i felt worse and worse about having sex. so all these bad feeling were associated with it and later i didnt want it at all.
and those bad sex associations carried into my current relationship. but this time around we made every effort to talk about it and find solutions to my problem together. i asked him not to bring up sex anymore. cuz it makes me feel guilty and as a result i dont wanna. he also does things for me sex wise without asking for anything in return. makes me feel like he wants to do nice for me w/o expecting me to return the favor. which in turn does make me want to return the favor. so little by little we are working it out.
most important thing, stop bringing it up, give her a break. it gives her unnecessary stress. its not that she doesn't care about ur needs, she just doesn't know how to make herself want to do it more often. be more interested in her as a person, in her brain, in her personality, not in her looks.

be patient. she'll come around ;)