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1247529 tn?1313499931
How can I learn to trust again after he lied to me?
How can I learn to trust my husband after he lied to me straight to my face.  Now it is not a huge lie.  But always though he was honest with me.  Never in a million years would I think he would lie to me.  So now.  We have been together almost 33 years now.  Dated for 3 and in Oct. it will be 30 years we are married.  He lied to me about looking at naked pictures of women on the internet.  And a little porn.  I have always been honest with him and he know that is a huge thing with me.  Honesty.  So now that this has happened I start to think that our whole marriage has been a lie.   How do I know?   And also our sex life has been not good.  And I noticed that when he looked at the pictures is when he would want sex.  So I think he has to look at that in order to get excited and have sex with me because he really wants a young, skinny sexy woman.  I am not fat but do have a little tummy. But am trying to loose it and about 10 pounds.  And after having 3 children my breast are not perky anymore,  but don't think exercise will help that and don't think I am willing to have surgery.  He says I excite him but I don't believe him.  Why should I? He lied about looking at the pictures and I did not know so how do I know he is not lying now.  Also, I don't know for sure if he even wants to touch me.  We went a few months of no touch.  Then after I asked him he started again.  But is he just doing it because I said something or out of guilt?  I don't know anymore.  I can't tell if he is being truthful.  I love him and am so very in love with him.  And deep down I know he loves me.  I am just not sure he is still in love with me anymore.  
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973741 tn?1342346373
I understand that sometimes when we are going through a transitional period as you describe in their life they speak loudly to help convince themselves that all is fine.  Good luck to you on the next chapter of your life.  

Women come here and vent how they are feeling at that moment regarding their relationship.  This doesn't make them weak.  If they are committed, they are looking for advice e to turn things around to stay with their partner.  This doesn't make them weak.  It doesn't mean they have low self esteem.  It means their relationship has problems and their partner isn't perfect.  

At some point, through their efforts, counseling, seeing the light, what have you---  it may pay off and their relationship could improve or heal.  Or maybe it won't and they will make their own choice about staying and going and when would be the right time to exit.  Just as you did.  

So we can empower someone in a positive way without stepping on others who are in the process.  

No one should need a partner and to that I agree.  However, being understanding that women are in different stages of being able to be free in a multitude of ways.  Financial independence to someone who has not been working, for example.  This is why I encourage all young people who come here to continue their education either by going to college or doing job training.  While I'm currently a stay at home mom, I'm educated and have had a successful career I can go back to.  Not being able to support myself would never be a reason I had to stay in a bad marriage.  But for some, that's not the case and they must figure out a plan to realistically live especially if they have children.  

Again, I now see that plumping up your own feathers is part of your transitional stage you are in.  We often scream to the rooftops about "we are woman, hear us roar" when in that stage of life.  I'm sure you didn't mean to put down all the women who bravely told their own stories in this thread.
PS:  an active self developer since 12?  Wow.

good luck dear and to all women trying to figure it out.  
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1247529 tn?1313499931
I just want to say Thanks to ALL the brave women who have offered help to me in this situation.  I won't address anyone individually because of it getting a little heated.  That was not my intent.  I needed someone to talk to.  And I have taken every ones thoughts to heart.  I did not comment to some and not because I did not want to.  But because I don't have any advice.  I am still struggling with this.  So how can I help someone else.  All I can do is tell you where I am today.  So that is what I am going to do.
  
I am still unhappy.  Don't think I will ever be happy again till I am back home.  I did not go find a therapist because I don't know why.  My husband tells me every day several times a day he loves me.  Sometimes I believe him sometimes I don't.  He still lies.  Just had a conversation last night about one.  And just to let you all know it got no where.  All he does is try to blame it on others or turn it on me.  As far as him looking at other women.  I don't care anymore.  My heart is broken and don't feel the hurt anymore so I told him he can look all he wants.  I don't care.  But what does still hurt is the deceit.  I can't take that.  I have seen him hurrying to close a page on his computer when I walk into the room several times.  Never said anything.  Then last week I got up to go stir supper.  He was looking at something on his phone (this is a work phone) when I got up he hurried and turned it over.  Then when I came back he did the same.  Every time I got up to stir the food he did this.  So what do I think he is doing.  Looking at nasty stuff or talking with someone.  So last night that is what I asked.  Well he did not answer me.  Just said he was not chatting with anyone.  After we went to bed about 15 minutes later he ask me if I want to know and I said No, not if you don't want to tell me.   Well he said it was a site a coworker sent him that has stories from people like they have in playboy.  OK and he did not want to hurt me so he turned his phone over.  Well if that was true there is no way I could read that from where I was.  Anyway.  So I ask about the computer.  He don't say anything for about 5 minutes.  Then his answer was.  He looks at exercise sites.  And sometimes there are girls dressed in skimpy outfits and he did not want me to think he was looking at them.  OK.  Well I was hurt and not believing anything he was saying so I said nothing.  I should have asked why it took so long to answer.  Well I know why.  He had to think up a reason.  I know he still looks.  I know he still lies.  But I love him.  And most of the time I know he loves me.  He says I am the only one and have always have been.  But don't know if I believe that. So to sum it all up.  I am still here, unhappy most of the time.  I have found a new time consuming hobby in sewing and quilting.  I am happy when doing that.  Here I will stay.  I am too old to start over.  One said above about staying because of not being able to support yourself.  Well that is me.  My husband makes a good living.  I could Never make a quarter of what he does.  I am 50 years old and it would be hard to find a job that I could even survive on.  Now I am not saying that is why I stay.  But I do think it is part.  I stay because I do love  him.  I have been with him longer than I have not.  I am not willing to throw it all away.  If I find he has been cheating on me I am gone.  I am not sure it will hurt if I do find that out.  But that would be the straw that broke the camel's back.  And he is not abusive.  He treats me good.  If I want to do something he will do it with me.  If I want something he will get it for me or say go get it or go help me get it.  He just don't romance me anymore.  So I guess we are more like room mates with benefits than a married couple. But for now I am ok with it.  But I do want to say to all the beautiful women who asked me for help.  THIS IS WHAT I CHOOSE.  I am not saying it is what YOU should choose.  YOU need to do what is best for YOU.  Read all the advice and decide for yourself what is best.  That is the best advice I can give.   I do come back here and reread it all.  It helps me sometimes to get over a hurt.  It helps to know I am not alone.  God Bless you all.  Thanks for all the thoughts.  They really do help make me think.  And you all touch my heart.    
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Thanks for sharing WorriedWife.  I really do hope for the best for you!  As I said in my original post - you are a beautiful wife, mother, grandmother and woman and I hope someday, someone treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

My husband also does wonderful things for me, he says himself that he borders on an obsession with me...and I know it's true.  The problem is (and I have told him this), recurring lies undo the good memories for me.  Maybe with time and perspective, I will feel differently.

Best of luck with your choice and future choices and I am so glad you have found joy in sewing and quilting!  I hope that you understand that my intention was to show you an alternative point of view, and to know that I am in your corner.  If anything I have written has been thought provoking, then I am grateful that you have read my posts :-)  
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If I had asked for help or advice, I may have considered anything that you have written. Maybe someday I will.  I'm sure you do a lot of good work for people that are venting or in need of your advice ....maybe someone else reading through this forum will benefit from your advice and relating skills.
Thanks anyway :-)
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973741 tn?1342346373
You really have a kind and gentle spirit about you and I admire that.  The world needs more of this.  I am here any time you need to talk and yes, it does feel good to not feel like we are the 'only one'.  Peace
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1247529 tn?1313499931
I thank you for your kind words.  I do understand you were trying to give me a different point of view.  There are so many different points of view here that it really does help.  I find peace in sewing.  Forget all the bad.  And I do know I am Blessed.  There are many out there who have it so much worse than I do.  
Best of Luck to you too.
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1247529 tn?1313499931
Thanks so much for the kind words.  I try to treat people as I want to be treated.  I try to see the good in everyone.  I try very hard to live my life as a good person.  I am not perfect and I do make mistakes.  But I do pride myself with the fact that I don't lie.  If the truth is not good enough then don't ask me, lol go ask someone else.  I appreciate the offer to talk to you and I may take you up on it.  
God Bless
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5974753 tn?1379619227
Hi.  Read a number of the prior posts but not all due to time constraints today but did want to share a few comments.

I too am one to despise lies and always have been that way as far back as I can recall.  Understand the need to have tact and to be kind and not cruel just in order to voice an opinion.  I also believe there are times to protect oneself and not disclose all info.

In a marriage or intimate relationship there is a commitment to be there for one another and holding back important facts or downright lying erodes trust and can ruin any relationship.  So I truly feel for you there.  Have experienced it enough to say that deception creates an unhealthy situation and must be treated or it will cause death, the relationship will end just as any fatal disease might have its way.

About the porn, when a man becomes obsessed and needs to fantasize in order to have sex, then it is no longer "making love" and the guy is an addict on a mission:  to make sure his needs/wants are met w/o consideration for his partner. For me this is totally unacceptable and would not be able to be with someone that far into it.  The only answer to the dilemna would be that the guy has to want to admit he has an addiction and get help.  

Thing about the way porn is out there now is that it's so vivid and the mind doesn't always know what is reality and so the fantasy becomes so real that that's all the guy wants. Basically becomes a pig groping for more, more, more.  He may love you on a certain level but physically his mind is damaged and he cannot be there for you in a way that's good for you

Early on you stated:  "I can't live without him.  He is what make my life worth living.  Without him, I am nothing."

This type of thinking is also not healthy.  Getting back to basics of you loving yourself and being strong as an independent person/woman is vital to you not latching on to someone for your self-worth.  Now is the time to start taking care of yourself.  Like a cattepillar being in a cacoon, you too can go through a time of revival and emege a beautiful butterfly.  Time to focus on being good with you firt and then you can in turn love others much better and make choices that benefit yourself and anyone else who is in your life.
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Avatar universal
OK so when me and my husband first got married the last thing I thought was that he would look at porn and then I found it on his phone. I give him sex all the time in fact we have great sex. Then why would he want to look at porn? He did it when he was at work or before he got home. I just Dont know how to get over he was lieing to me. I told him please never do it again and I told him how I felt about it. Well later on I found it again. I don't understand and its making me go crazy and is bringing our relationship down. We are newly wedds. What do I do???
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1247529 tn?1313499931
I understand what you are saying.  But, I have lost all my will.  I have lost all my strength.  And I can't leave him.  My heart is destroyed so it does not matter anymore.  The only thing I look forward to is going back home to see my girls.  That is what keeps me going.  I have never had much self worth.  But that is another very long story.  I just never in my wildest dreams thought he would lie to me.  And that has destroyed me.  I have come to the conclusion that he can do what he wants and I will do what I want.  If that means we are like room mates instead of a married couple then so be it. And that is what I do.  I just can't open my heart anymore.  If I do then I will be completely lost.  So Thanks again.  God Bless
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1247529 tn?1313499931
I am so sorry you are going through this horrible time.  Please go back and read the early post.  There are some wonderful wise women here.  I can't help you.  I can't help myself.  I can only tell you that you need to think hard and long about this.  I did not know it was happening early in our marriage.  I guess if I had I would have left.  But look hard.  I am 32 years into this marriage and 3 years before of dating.  Think of how you feel right now.  Ask yourself if you are willing to feel like that for the rest of your life.  Then do what is best for you.  I can't say stay and I can't say leave.  It is your choice in the long run.  But please go read some of the advice that was given here for me.   Good Luck and God Bless  
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I just wanted to tell you that I witnessed the undoing of my parents marriage after 30 years. What I can tell you my father remarried to someone younger than me. My mom has no job and depends on him however, she never legally pursued alimony or compensation for all those years because she is weak. She went to a lawyer once where the lawyer told with the proof of infidelity she had and the fact that she dedicated 30 years as a dependent that she could get a portion of my Dad's pay for the rest of her life. My mom never followed up. She always came up with excuses and everyday she complains saying that my Dad did not send money and how miserable she is. I as her daughter am frustrated with her because she refuses to take action against him. She is passive and yet I tell her he will not change, he does not care he redid his life. In fact the divorce happened because he wanted to get married. I often asked my mom why she never got a divorce (he had cheated for 15 years). She always said oh because of you guys, he had to maintain us and depend on him, blah blah. What I can say my Dad was going to pay for us anyways he never stopped being a father he was always there. However, my mom never stood up for herself. She had two opportunities to redo her life and she didn't. I feel sad and miserable when I think of my mom because I see someone who doesn't want to help herself anymore. She doesn't want to pursue actions against my dad yet she complains when she doesn't get any money from him. My Dad is not reliable when it comes to making payments he lies A LOT. But yet she refuses. She spent 15 years attached to a lying and cheating man and she knew it. Me and my siblings were not happy during this time. As much as one tries to hide it, we still saw everything. Seeing my mom unhappy with the belief that she cannot redo her life because of her age and that she cannot legally go after my dad is frustrating and sad. I know 30 years is a long time, but it does not mean that life ends there. I would rather see my parents separated and happy rather than miserable just because they think they cannot re-do their life. Something to think about you deserve to be happy.
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Hi . I`ve been reading your story in your old posts, and I wanted to comment and say I understand what you have been going through.

I had only been married about 6 months when I discovered my husband had been very actively engaged in all kinds of porn forums, web sites, etc. I caught him and told him I won`t stay with someone who feels the need to indulge in that ...and of course, lie to me about it. He was all apologetic, but I know it was only because he got caught. I took control of his stupid computer.  Found his disgusting porn videos of a young Asian girl in a school girl uniform.  ( by the way, i find this particularly repulsive considering I have a 19 year old daughter who is really beautiful - so now I worry that he looks at her inappropriately)

Anyway, he was already on this ice and I caught him in another lie that he carried on for 2 months about a completely different subject. That was kind of like the straw that broke the camel`s back. I just lost my feelings for him because I hate lies. I simply won`t tolerate being disrespected and being lied to.

I told him I`d give therapy a try, but I got sick of wasting my money and time in a therapists office when she never really had anything helpful to say to help us rebuild our trust.

So..for now, I`m still giving the marriage a try, but it`s not looking good. I simply don`t feel like I love him anymore. He repulses me.

I think I`ll end up leaving before too long. I don`t trust him and a marriage without trust cannot be happy. I don`t hate him, but I just don`t feel like I love him anymore. He screwed up when he lied and betrayed me.

In any case, you know, it isn`t about how WE look or how much we weigh etc. Men try to to use this as an excuse when they very often don`t look good themselves. I never actually found my husband to be that physically attractive, but I over looked that because I thought his personality was great.  Now, I don`t like his personality or his looks.

Maybe I sound cold, but the thing is, he knows exactly how I feel because I have been honest. That`s how I live my life and that`s what I expect from people in my life.

I hope that you have found or will find happiness in your life. We all deserve happiness. Sometimes we have to make choices that are difficult but good for us in the long run. We`ll see where my situation goes, but one thing is for sure, I won`t stay in an unhappy relationship without trust.

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1247529 tn?1313499931
Thanks so much.  My husband knows and has always known how I feel about lies.  I am like you.  I am honest.  I always say if you don't want to hear the truth then don't ask me.  I have always told him I despise lies.  And I always thought we had a open relationship.  That we could talk about anything.  Well I was wrong there too.  I tell him everything and he tells me what he wants me to know.  If someone text me he has to know what they want or said.  But he don't tell me every text he gets.  I have even found out he text with family and NEVER told me.  He has to know where I am and what I am doing every minute of the day but don't tell me what he is doing.  Maybe I don't deserve happiness.  I don't really trust him.  It seems it is always in the back of my thoughts.  Especially if he tells me something.  My mind says yea, right.  Or if I see some skinny girl walking by my mind says I bet he likes that.  I am just done.  I am shut down emotionally in this relationship.  I am only happy when I am back home with my girls.  And we won't be able to move back till he retires.  In about 15 or so years I guess.  Then my grandbabies will be grown.  Oh well.  That is my life.  This is the road I am meant to be on I guess.  Thanks again.  Sorry for going on.  
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Avatar universal
yeah..DONT LET THIS MAN GET BY WITH LYING TO YOU! first of all..if he does it once..guess what..HES GONNA DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN...you have already confronted him..and by doin so he is the one that gets all bent outta shape and upset..why? BECAUSE HES FRIGGIN GUILTY..THATS WHY..GUILTY ..GUILTY..GUILTY! AND HE KKOWS IT!.yes..u guys have been together for a long time..and yes in the beginning things were great..ok..its not the beginning anymore and the damn thing has just fizzled out!.once they start lying..there is no turning back..EXSPECIALLY when he already knows how you feel about lying in the first place..and it sounds to me that hes learned quite a bit of how to manipulate you into thinking hes gonna stop.HONEY..IF YOU BELIEVE THAT...THEN YES YOU MAY NEED TO..SEE THE THERAPIST! my advice to you and this is just my advice to you.....GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP...!!! ALL ITS GONNA DO IS CAUSE YOU GRIEF AND HARDSHIP..YOU CAN SAY ALL YOU WANT TO THAT UR WORKIN ON IT AND WORKING ON TRUSTING HIM AGAIN..ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN SISTA..IT WILL ALWAYS BE IN THE BACK OF UR MIND FOR THE REST OF UR LIFE AND YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE A SINGLE WORD HE SAYS TO YOU..E V E R!! SO PLEASE..FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...LEAVE THIS LYING..BETRAYING..MAKIN YOU FEEL WORTHLESS..*******..AND FIND SUMONE THAT ACTUALLY. WILL TREAT YOU RIGHT AND RESPECT YOU AND SUMONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL WANTED AND NOT JUST WHEN THEY SEE A. PICTURE OF SOMEOONE OR SUMTHN ELSE...THATS ********! DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW THIS..AND DEF KNOW HE KNOWS THIS..LET HIM HAVE THOSE PICS..GO FIND YOU THE REAL DEAL HONEY..DONT WASTE ANYMORE OF YOUR PRECIOUS TIME ON THIS JERK..ISNT 31 ENOUGH...IF IT HASNT GOTTEN BETTER IN THE LAST 4 HONEY..TRUST ME..IT AINT GONNA!!!  SO PICK YOURSELF UP..DRY THOSE TEARS AND START LIVING FOR.  Y O U!!!!  TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS!  PACK A BAG AND DRIVE 5 1/2 HOURS TO UR FRIENDS AND FAMILY..YOU NEED THEM RIGHT NOW..GO FIND YOU AGAIN..GO LIVE A LIL...LET HIM WONDER WHAT UR DOIN FOR AWHILE!..THAT JUST MIGHT CHANGE SUM THINGS..WHO KNOWS..BUT HONEY..IT AINT NUTHN BUT A DRIVE..THATS IT ...5 1/2HRS AINT NUTHN...THATS A TINY PRICE TO PAY FOR A WHOLE LOT OF SANITY!  YOU CAN SIT AROUND THERE WITH HIM AND LOOK AT HIM EVERYDAY AND JUST KEEP HURTING BECUZ YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN HE IS STILL LYING N LOOKIN..OR YOU CAN PACK UP SUM THINGS AND JUST GO...AND NOT GIVE HIM THE CHANCE TO MAKE. YOU FEEL LIKE **** ANYMORE..ALL DEPRESSED..SICK FEELIN..CRYIN ALL THE DAMN TIME...THE CHOICE IS URS HONEY...IF YOU DECIDE TO STAY..WELL THEN...THERES NO USE ASKIN SUMONE WHAT U SHUD DO TO FIX IT..CUZ ITS NOT GONNA MATTER WHAT ANY OF THE COMMENTS ON HERE SAY..BECUZ YOU ARE GOIN TO FEEL THE SAME NO MATTER WHAT...H U R T AND B E T R A Y E D! why? BCUZ IT WILL NEVER STOP...GOD willing it wont get worse..but IT WILL NEVER STOP..YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE HIM...AND YOU WILL JUST STRESS URSELF OUT AND FEEL LIKE HELL ALL THE TIME....IT AINT WORTH IT! YES I KNOW U LOVE HIM..YES I KNOW HES ALL YOU WANT AND FEELS LIKE HES THE ONLY ONE YOU CUD EVER B THAT IN LOVE WITH....BUT IF THIS KEEPS GOIN..AND. YOU KNOW IT WILL...ITS JUST GONNA END UP IN HATRED..THATS IT..JUST PURE HATRED...YOU WILL WAKE TO THIS MAN EVERY MORNING AND LOOK AT HIM AND WANT TO PUKE JUST FROM THE SIGHT OF HIM BECUZ OF HOW HE MAKES YOU FEEL FROM ALL THE LIES N ****..YOU WILL HATE HIM FOR ALL THAT HES DONE TO YOU..AND IT WILL STRESS YOU EVEN MORE..GOD HELP YOU THEN...GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN..DONT LET THIS MANIPULATIVE *** MAN CAUSE YOU ANYMORE. GRIEF...GO AND LIVE UR LIFE AND FIND SUMONE WHO IS TRUE..BELIEVE ME..YOULL KNOW ONCE YA DO...YOU SURE. WILL.....ya know why....BECAUSE..IVE BEEN THERE TOO MANY TIMES..and each time has made me stonger and stronger..and i know...I KNOW..I DNT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH A LIER..I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH A LIER..AND I WILL NEVER EVER AGAIN BE WITH ANYONE WHO WUD MAKE ME FEEL LESS THAN! OR NOT GOOD ENOUGH...THOSE MEN ARE A WASTE OF TIME..AND HONEY MY TIME IS TOO PRESCIOUS TO ME...YOURS SHUD BE TOO....GET OUT WHILE YA CAN...and once again..this is only my advice and opinion..take it or leave it..its really all up to you and how you wanna feel when u are with sumone or just when ur chillin by yourself...at least you will have ur dignity..
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Avatar universal
yeah..DONT LET THIS MAN GET BY WITH LYING TO YOU! first of all..if he does it once..guess what..HES GONNA DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN...you have already confronted him..and by doin so he is the one that gets all bent outta shape and upset..why? BECAUSE HES FRIGGIN GUILTY..THATS WHY..GUILTY ..GUILTY..GUILTY! AND HE KKOWS IT!.yes..u guys have been together for a long time..and yes in the beginning things were great..ok..its not the beginning anymore and the damn thing has just fizzled out!.once they start lying..there is no turning back..EXSPECIALLY when he already knows how you feel about lying in the first place..and it sounds to me that hes learned quite a bit of how to manipulate you into thinking hes gonna stop.HONEY..IF YOU BELIEVE THAT...THEN YES YOU MAY NEED TO..SEE THE THERAPIST! my advice to you and this is just my advice to you.....GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP...!!! ALL ITS GONNA DO IS CAUSE YOU GRIEF AND HARDSHIP..YOU CAN SAY ALL YOU WANT TO THAT UR WORKIN ON IT AND WORKING ON TRUSTING HIM AGAIN..ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN SISTA..IT WILL ALWAYS BE IN THE BACK OF UR MIND FOR THE REST OF UR LIFE AND YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE A SINGLE WORD HE SAYS TO YOU..E V E R!! SO PLEASE..FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...LEAVE THIS LYING..BETRAYING..MAKIN YOU FEEL WORTHLESS..*******..AND FIND SUMONE THAT ACTUALLY. WILL TREAT YOU RIGHT AND RESPECT YOU AND SUMONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL WANTED AND NOT JUST WHEN THEY SEE A. PICTURE OF SOMEOONE OR SUMTHN ELSE...THATS ********! DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW THIS..AND DEF KNOW HE KNOWS THIS..LET HIM HAVE THOSE PICS..GO FIND YOU THE REAL DEAL HONEY..DONT WASTE ANYMORE OF YOUR PRECIOUS TIME ON THIS JERK..ISNT 31 ENOUGH...IF IT HASNT GOTTEN BETTER IN THE LAST 4 HONEY..TRUST ME..IT AINT GONNA!!!  SO PICK YOURSELF UP..DRY THOSE TEARS AND START LIVING FOR.  Y O U!!!!  TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS!  PACK A BAG AND DRIVE 5 1/2 HOURS TO UR FRIENDS AND FAMILY..YOU NEED THEM RIGHT NOW..GO FIND YOU AGAIN..GO LIVE A LIL...LET HIM WONDER WHAT UR DOIN FOR AWHILE!..THAT JUST MIGHT CHANGE SUM THINGS..WHO KNOWS..BUT HONEY..IT AINT NUTHN BUT A DRIVE..THATS IT ...5 1/2HRS AINT NUTHN...THATS A TINY PRICE TO PAY FOR A WHOLE LOT OF SANITY!  YOU CAN SIT AROUND THERE WITH HIM AND LOOK AT HIM EVERYDAY AND JUST KEEP HURTING BECUZ YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN HE IS STILL LYING N LOOKIN..OR YOU CAN PACK UP SUM THINGS AND JUST GO...AND NOT GIVE HIM THE CHANCE TO MAKE. YOU FEEL LIKE **** ANYMORE..ALL DEPRESSED..SICK FEELIN..CRYIN ALL THE DAMN TIME...THE CHOICE IS URS HONEY...IF YOU DECIDE TO STAY..WELL THEN...THERES NO USE ASKIN SUMONE WHAT U SHUD DO TO FIX IT..CUZ ITS NOT GONNA MATTER WHAT ANY OF THE COMMENTS ON HERE SAY..BECUZ YOU ARE GOIN TO FEEL THE SAME NO MATTER WHAT...H U R T AND B E T R A Y E D! why? BCUZ IT WILL NEVER STOP...GOD willing it wont get worse..but IT WILL NEVER STOP..YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE HIM...AND YOU WILL JUST STRESS URSELF OUT AND FEEL LIKE HELL ALL THE TIME....IT AINT WORTH IT! YES I KNOW U LOVE HIM..YES I KNOW HES ALL YOU WANT AND FEELS LIKE HES THE ONLY ONE YOU CUD EVER B THAT IN LOVE WITH....BUT IF THIS KEEPS GOIN..AND. YOU KNOW IT WILL...ITS JUST GONNA END UP IN HATRED..THATS IT..JUST PURE HATRED...YOU WILL WAKE TO THIS MAN EVERY MORNING AND LOOK AT HIM AND WANT TO PUKE JUST FROM THE SIGHT OF HIM BECUZ OF HOW HE MAKES YOU FEEL FROM ALL THE LIES N ****..YOU WILL HATE HIM FOR ALL THAT HES DONE TO YOU..AND IT WILL STRESS YOU EVEN MORE..GOD HELP YOU THEN...GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN..DONT LET THIS MANIPULATIVE *** MAN CAUSE YOU ANYMORE. GRIEF...GO AND LIVE UR LIFE AND FIND SUMONE WHO IS TRUE..BELIEVE ME..YOULL KNOW ONCE YA DO...YOU SURE. WILL.....ya know why....BECAUSE..IVE BEEN THERE TOO MANY TIMES..and each time has made me stonger and stronger..and i know...I KNOW..I DNT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH A LIER..I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH A LIER..AND I WILL NEVER EVER AGAIN BE WITH ANYONE WHO WUD MAKE ME FEEL LESS THAN! OR NOT GOOD ENOUGH...THOSE MEN ARE A WASTE OF TIME..AND HONEY MY TIME IS TOO PRESCIOUS TO ME...YOURS SHUD BE TOO....GET OUT WHILE YA CAN...and once again..this is only my advice and opinion..take it or leave it..its really all up to you and how you wanna feel when u are with sumone or just when ur chillin by yourself...at least you will have ur dignity..
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Avatar universal
Lies break boundaries, they break the balance of our lives and give us an uneven keel on which to rest. You can only believe what you know unless you place your faith wholely in someone or something. From whence comes trust. Your faith in your husband has been shattered and you can put the pieces back together or not. But if you are the only one willing to do this and your partner doesn't acknowledge or support this the cracks will never heal. You either do it together or not all. Leaving it to fester will cause more problems and lead to a very unhappy life. This is what I need to do in my own relationship. Hope you find your way to being happy and have peace of mind.
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Hi there WW81 :-)  just checking in - there has been quite a few posts since we last chatted!
I am so disappointed for you that this is still going on :-(
I do feel the need to highlight what you have written though!  In amongst all the self destructive, negative accepting thoughts, there is one that is gold: " I am only happy when I am back home with my girls"  You deserve to be there NOW and see your grandbabies grow.  I hope you can make this happen - with or without your lying husband.  I'm not sure what has occurred in your life to make you feel as though you are not worth happiness,  because you are and you need to make that your new mantra - say it often enough to yourself and you will start to believe it.  Use it to counteract and replace those negative thoughts.  Reach out to your girls or a relative in the area and stay with them until you can get on your feet.  Oh, and if you haven't seen the movie Shirley Valentine, watch it for inspiration!  Also, try reading Louise Hay's "You can heal your life" for positive affirmations.    I think of you often and really would love to see you step up and make a better life for yourself.  So many people here to support and encourage you to do this!  You deserve it :-)  PS, next time you see your husband looking at inappropriate pictures, ask him a question about his mother :-P
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1247529 tn?1313499931
Thanks SuperNova74.  I guess it comes from my childhood.  I was never enough for my mother.  Always trying to make her love me like she loves my brother he is older.  She once told me she never wanted kids. But one was ok.  Well I am number 2.  What does that tell me?  Anyway.  Also told me she married my daddy to get out of her mother's house and she felt sorry for him.  How do you marry someone you don't really love?  And how do you tell your child those things?  So that was my childhood.  My wonderful daddy passed 11 years ago.  And I miss him so much.  He loved me.  And not like some will think.  I get my wanting to help other from him.  He would give his last shirt off his back to help someone.  But he worked a lot.  
I can't go back home right now.  And I can't let my girls know what a lier there dad is.  I can't break their hearts.  So I stay here for them.  Even though they are grown young women and 2 have children of their own.  I can't be the one to break up our family.  I have always had to be the mean one.  He worked offshore.  So he was not home a lot.  So when things came up mom had to fuss and punish.  I can't be the one to ruin our family.  So you see I am stuck.  My heart is crushed.  I don't think it will EVER heal.  I think it is done.  I don't feel anything anymore so it is all good.  
I am so sorry to disappoint you.  It seems that is what I do.  I am a disappointment to my mother because I did not do the things she wanted to do.  I am a disappointment to my daddy because I left his side and he died alone.  I am a disappointment to my girls because I had to be the mean one.  I am a disappointment to my husband because I am not skinny and sexy.  And I am a disappointment to myself because I can't handle it all.  I so appreciate all the support and encouragement.  I just can't do it.  
I am really tired.  My soul is tired.  I don't deserve it.  I really don't.  I have disappointed too many people to deserve to be happy.  And I love my girls so much that I can't put them through what I went through when my parents divorced.  I just can't.    
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973741 tn?1342346373
There is no judgment here worried wife.  You are just doing the best you can.  Please know that you don't live your life to please others including strangers on the internet.  

To me, it sounds like you have tried really hard to understand yourself and I value that introspection.  This is your life and it is up to you how you live it.  

Peace and hugs
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1247529 tn?1313499931
Thanks so much.  It helps me to talk to someone.  Yes I am trying to do the best I can.  Yes it is my life.  I am just so broken.  I have no one to talk to.  And to be completely honest, I don't know if I would be able to talk to someone face to face about all this.  So I do appreciate all the advice.  I do try some and some I don't.  And right now I am not up to trying anything.  I am just so hurt and numb.  I am tired of being the only one who try's.  So we are legally husband and wife but more like room mates.  And that is ok with me.  I do what I want and he what he wants.  We don't talk.  And that is ok with me too.  Like I said.  I am done.  
Thanks again.  I really do appreciate your kind words.    
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973741 tn?1342346373
People have their reasons for living the life they do and what one person is sure is right for them is not always the case for someone else.  Roommates is not a great relationship but if that provides you with security and you are surviving through it, it could be worse, right?  People will tell others to leave----  do it all the time myself.  But it is often much more complicated than that.  You will know when there is a time to leave and hey, miracles do happen and thing could get better.  You are on your own life's journey.  I wish you more happiness than you seem to have now dear.  I really do.  peace
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Avatar universal
Just a suggestion, I am sure he still wants you and wants to make love to you, you turn him on. But maybe, just maybe the 'problem' could be that he's somewhat insecure when it comes to sex. Maybe he's just too shy to initiate it. Maybe he thinks he will make you feel like that's all he wants from you, and doesn't want you to feel 'used'.

I have the same issue with my husband, minus the porn thing, we have talked about this, and he has actually said to me the reason he doesn't initiate is because he's afraid that if he just 'takes control' i'll feel 'used'. Plus he is rather insecure when it comes to sex.

Talk to your husband. Don't back him into a corner tho. and don't just come at him out of the blue about it. Wait till your in bed, maybe after an intimate moment, and just casually tell him you would love it if he would initiate sex sometimes, that it would turn you on. You may have to try this several times. I had to with my husband.. lol (sometimes they just don't get it) but he will come around!

Hope it all works out!
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1247529 tn?1313499931
I don't think so.  It has been over 3 months now.  He don't even look at me.  When I change he hurries to go in another room.  Or he turns away.  And I don't think it was making love the past few years.  I think it was just sex.  He needed it because of looking.  And No he is not shy.  He knows I would not feel like that.  We had talked about it.  Or maybe he is feeling he IS using me to get pleasure from looking at what he really wants.  
I have talked to him.  All he does is get upset.  He says he loves me and I do believe he does. I am done with talking.  I am done with everything.  And there will never be another intimate time between us.  He has made me not want sex ever again.  He won't get it.  I have tried to talk about it too many times.  
Thanks for trying to help though.  But I am done.  I have no will left.  
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973741 tn?1342346373
Ya know, just to throw this out there----  some men have low testosterone and have a very low libido because of it.  This is a medical problem and they may be unaware of it themselves.  Has he had a physical lately with any blood work?
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1247529 tn?1313499931
I know.  But he will not go see a doctor.  I don't think he has been to one in over 10 years.  I really can't remember the last time and it had to be for an accident not an illness.  He takes some over the counter testosterone capsules.  But he is not doing it for that reason.  He is doing it because he wants to get more muscles.  We go to the gym 3 days a week.  We used to go Mon - Friday for at least an hour to a hour and a half.  I put a stop to that.  I did not have time for anything.  And I was tired of eating supper after 8pm and spending all that money to keep our pool going and never getting in. So I told him I was not going on Tues and Thurs.  He could go but I was not.  Anyway, sorry I am rambling.  So it could be I don't know. I am to the point that I don't care.  I do have to say I have not heard a lie from him that I know of lately.  Of course we don't talk about his lies or his looking so he don't have to lie.  But I think it is too late.  He has hurt me too much.
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Avatar universal
Hi,
I have been in the same situation. And I too have a hard time deciding how to feel about this. We talked about the lies, we talked about how it hurts my feelings and how uncomfortable we both are now.
I understand what you are going through and feeling. I've lived through this for years. It is now out in the open. I have worked on me though. I was a mess, drained and exhausted and stressed out and completely lost. I decided to try and work on figuring out what I wanted for me, from life, aside from resolving the issue with my husband's lies. That is an important step: deciding you want to pull yourself back up and together. Decide that you are worth something, at least for you and most likely for others. you can give to others. Isn't that enough of a reason? I realized I had stopped living and growing as a person. I realize I was no longer strong and I needed to feel strong again, for me and maybe something would come out of it. Because what choices do we have? And I didn't want him to rob me of things I could do for me or the world around me.
So I focused on other things while trying to keep things together at home. I focused on friends, work, kids and health. I focused on my flaws or what I thought were my flaws and worked on accepting whatever it is I think is wrong with me because I'm human and I am not perfect. I focused on counting my blessings and tuning out the negative stuff because it was just suffocating. And while that may not last for too long, it gives you a break. And your mind starts to shift a little, and you can handle things a little better. Just don't shut the world out. Let yourself breath again. Put one foot in front of the other and go. Be who you want to be, little by little, especially if you are under the impression you are not who your husband wants you to be. First of, that may not be true, it is your perception, but regardless, you need to be true to yourself. You can't try to be what someone else want you to be, it'll be exhausting, unrealistic and you'd be lying to yourself, loosing yourself and that's the worst. You need to feel like you can just be you again. You need to trust that it's Ok to be you. I started thinking that if my husband wasn't OK with me physically, sexually, then maybe I had been with the wrong guy all along. And I started thinking, I gave him the opportunity to speak up many times, to ask me for what he might want different in our lives, with sex. If it isn't working out for the best, then he is responsible for this mess. And then I feel like it makes sense. I am who I can be. It's liberating.
I'm not saying I feel like I am with the wrong guy and therefore I will leave. I'm saying, I need to understand the situation and he might be the wrong guy in the sense that I would have wanted a man who owns up to what he does. And then I try and think that he is human and not perfect. I am not perfect. we've talked about this many times now. It was hard in the beginning and now he's realized I'm not letting this go. It's done too much damage. So he's listened a lot.
Now I am at the point where I have allowed myself to breath again, opened up to the world around me. And the rest will follow, one day at a time.
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Avatar universal
I wanted to add that I can just read from your message how sad you are. And I understand the sadness in this terrible situation.
You feel defeated and broken. I wanted to say that ultimately my message to you is, regardless of how things will turn out for you and your husband, please try and preserve you. Preserve what's left of you and build it back up. Little by little. You cannot just let this break you. I am sure you matter to a lot of people out there. And you don't deserve to just curl up and want to disappear from the world. I've met women who were beaten by their husbands, or cheated on with women and I have done a lot of looking inside of me, my heart and my head. I am not not comparing at all. And I'm not saying I forgive him for lying to me. I'm saying I have learned from these women that there can be great sadness from terrible experiences.
And then I made friends with them. They showed me so much kindness in sharing their stories and emotions. And they have kept going with their lives. They experienced terrible things and so much pain and hurt. They have put one foot in front of the other somehow and it made me feel like maybe just maybe I could do this too.
Your husband is your husband. He is there, in your home and life isn't the same anymore. But you are broken and hurt. And you can start healing parts of you through talking to people opening up and being kind to yourself first of all. The guilt has to stop. There is a great deal of kindness in a lot of people out there. And it made me feel good and hopeful. I hope it can for you too.
Unfortunately, I can't say the same for life with my husband in my house. But that is not my focus. My focus is me, I deserve it since my husband was focusing on other things. So I'll do the focusing now.
I have given up on trying to understand the reasons for his porn use. I can't control it. But I have put my foot down and I have said it is not OK with me for what it does to my feelings and for the trust I had in him. Doing this is all you can do to clearly tell him your boundaries and that is respecting yourself. I was never vague about it because I didn't want him to think I was going to be OK with porn and the lying. I will not be OK with porn and lying. And like I said, I cannot control the lying anyway. But I have set my boundaries. As long as he lies, I've been clear and that is no longer my issue.
It does hurt to think that he can lie and I have no way of controlling. But I've decided there's no more time to waste trying to reason with a liar. How many times can we hurt ourselves over this?
I no longer feel right around my husband. I no longer feel attracted to him the way I used to. And that's ok, that's how I feel. He can understand or not. that is how I feel. I will not be told how to feel. I want to enjoy what it worth enjoying around me, out there. And I have told him exactly that.
I wanted to share with you what others have shared with me. I have met incredible people out there, with great courage and amazing resilience. You can feel this way or that way about your husband and your marriage. But you need to build yourself back up. it's good for you and it might even help your situation at home.
My husband has noticed I am different. And it intrigues him. Go figure.
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1247529 tn?1313499931
Thanks so much.  It is just hard.  I am so tired.  I just don't know if I have the energy.  I feel better some days.  I still wish to go home.  I miss my family.  Not saying it would be better if we were back home but at least I would have my kids and grand babies to keep me busy and keep it all off my mind.  I am so much happier when we are back home for a visit. But that is not happening either.  His job is here and here we stay till he retires in 20 years give or take a few.  So I just exist.  Right now I don't have the energy to try.  Maybe later I will.   I have no energy for anything right now.  I am just defeated.  
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Avatar universal
I am SO moved by dollfr3 - Her story AND Her words to You.

I hope You read and read and reread Her advice as many times as it might take for You to gain some comfort from Her.

I'm sorry You've had such despair.

GoodLuck
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Hi worriedwife81,
Hope you are well and the smile has returned to your face.
This is an update for you ...It's done, we have agreed to separate for a period of 3 months so my husband can work out who he is and who he wants to be, and somehow align the two.  And I can get myself together and work out why I put up with his lying for so long.   This decision came after he kissed a stranger, pursued one of my best friends and continues to lie and manipulate.  Why would I be attracted to that? Why would I continually expose myself to that? During this time, I am determined that this will not be my focus.  I am setting about building a new life.  It won't be easy though, I am grieving my parents, I have debt, for the most part I work alone, from home, and I live reasonably remote to most of my friends and family.  To counter this, I plan to continue grieving my parents (this is not a choice, it just is!... and I miss them with great pride),  I will work my butt off to get out of debt,  and I will become more social. (On sites and in person, where hubby dearest is not present and cannot stalk me - like he did on this post!).   I have never been more determined about anything in my life.  I have so many questions that I can only answer for myself.  I am terrified but I know how to use this energy to strengthen myself.   I will always love him and parts of what we had....but I am not going to wait for him to change because I know it's not the right thing to do.  If it's meant to be, it will be.  If it's not, well....life is a precious gift and I will cherish it with everything that I am.  This will not change me and my attitude to living.  This is my valued life, and I might choose to share it with someone special, someday but for now, my priority is me and that is exciting - I am growing!  I am facing my fears and I feel truly proud of myself.  I hope that things are improving in your life too - whatever form that takes.    I read a sign recently that says "Life has no remote, get up and change it yourself".  Loved it.  Thinking of you always :-)
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1247529 tn?1313499931
Sorry for the delay.  I have been back home for the past 3 weeks on and off.  We went in the Thurs. before Good Friday.  And on Good Friday our lives were changed.  Our 2 future son-in-laws were in a terrible ATV accident.  Our oldest was banged up pretty bad and we are still waiting to see if he has damage to his neck and back.  Hospitals are so unreal.  Should get MRI results today.  Our youngest was flown by life flight to New Orleans to a trauma hospital.  He has head and face trauma.  He is doing great now.  But we all saw it happen and I would love to get that image out of my mind.  I helped my oldest son in law to be take the ATV off of the youngest.  And when I saw him I thought he was gone.  It is a image I would not wish on my worse enemy.  But we are doing ok.  Anyway.  Sorry for going on and on.  
I am feeling a little better.  The smile is not completely back but I am trying.  
I am so sorry you are going through all this.  I don't understand why men are such pigs.  I am so sorry to hear of your parents passing.  And I know all too well that hurt.  I lost my dad in 2003 and it still hurts.  My mother is not a very nice person most of the time so I just don't talk to her much.  
I am determined to make our marriage work.  I don't know if he is still looking or not and I really don't care.  We have not been intimate in over 6 months so I guess he don't really want me.  But he treats me good.  I just don't understand at all.  
When the accident happened I saw a more sensitive side of my husband.  I think in the 36 years that I have known him I have seen him upset enough to cry 2 or maybe 3 times.  Well in 2 weeks after the accident I saw him cry 3 times and heard him on the phone cry 1. So maybe he is coming around.  Maybe he will now see how much he is hurting me with his lies and porn.  I will just have to wait till my emotions are not so raw.  I just think about my guys and cry.  And to top it all off I have a furbaby that I will have to make the decision on Friday to end his hurt.  Too much at once.  
I am so happy that you are doing well.  And I keep you in my prayers.  Thanks for all your support and kind words.  I ready your post often.  God Bless you.  
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Hi There! So sorry to hear of all the trauma you guys have suffered and hope everyone is making a speedy recovery!  How is your eldest son in law?  I love the fact that you have seen this tender side of your hubby - It reminded me that although he has been cruel to you, he is not the worst human being on the planet.  That's the thing isn't it - people are so many things and it can be so confusing!  Mine also has good parts, but it is the cruelty to me that makes me stubborn on shifting my perspective.  
No good news on this front unfortunately!  In fact, worse than it was a month ago.  Apparently I am married to a pathological, narcissistic sociopath!  Turns out he has issues that I can't even begin to comprehend so it's a twelve month journey towards divorce :-(  It's a good thing, even though it is the hardest thing I will ever go through.  I know there is light at the end of this long dark tunnel.  I just wish I could fast forward to the light!.  I have been terrible and verging on undignified - however, after speaking to a good friend yesterday, I was reminded that what I am feeling and how I am acting is completely acceptable and that it is he who cannot accept that his actions have ramifications.  He has no sense of the word "responsibility".  My friend also told me that yes, of course it still feels like he is my soul mate but that he has made so many wrong choices and that life can still be good for me without my ex because I know how to give love openly and honestly and that only wisdom will remain when the heartache is gone.  I cannot tell you how much this voice of reason has helped me, is helping me.  Call it intuition but I think my ex is now involved with someone else.  It hurts but I have always said "Love knows no boundaries" so I have no choice but to accept it and move on.   Honestly, it's like living your worst nightmare but the flip side is, it's now peaceful at home - and there is a lot to be said about peace and tranquility. There is nothing worse than living with someone you love so deeply, and then finding out you you don't really know them at all.   It is hell on earth.   Where time was once an inconvenience for us, it is now my saviour.  Every day I am blessed to have time to focus on repairing myself and the things I want in life - God, good friends and family, a beautiful garden, lovely animals, study, work and a house that is a forever project.  I have enough :-)
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973741 tn?1342346373
You two might want to private message each other as well.   I think that would be nice for the two of you to support each other as friends.  Then the forum can be used to answer questions or for those who need advice.  luck to you both.

PS:  if you need help navigating how to private message on the site, please ask.  It is the best way to have conversation between two members verses on a forum.  Let me know if you need help with that.  good luck
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Avatar universal
Worried wife I'm in the same boat as you my husband looks at other women on bet and walking past in the flesh he looks at total opposite from me and I feel he doesn't fancy me anymore whenever I ask him he says of course he does and gets on the defensive he also lies about looking at other women on net and clears history which obviously makes me not trust him more so obviously he isn't very bright and in tune to how I feel. What I'm doing at the moment is learning to love myself and feel positive about myself I can't change him looking at others or lying cos he doesn't want to upset me or look like the dirty pervert he is. But I can change how I feel about myself, the more I love myself the more he will realise if he lets me go I will be soon snapped up again and he won't get a second chance, the best revenge (kind of) is to show him the best side of you and show him what he's missing out on
Hope this helps Hun
KJ
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973741 tn?1342346373
This is a super old post.  Feel free to start your own thread regarding your situation.  good luck
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1247529 tn?1313499931
I am not sure I am supposed to reply to you because of this post being so old.  But I did not want you to think I do not appreciate your response.  So if I am breaking the rules I am sorry.....
Kymmy44, Thanks so much.  I am trying.  But it is so very hard.  I have in my mind that if I get to looking like the girls he gawks at then he wins and never did want me.  I never looked like them.  And WHY should I.  I just don't understand.  I am not unhealthy.  And that is what counts to me.  I am 50 years old.  Have a little belly and gravity is not my friend.  But I am not obese at all.  I go to the gym 3 days a week and use my elliptical at the house most mornings.  And also swim 2 or 3 days a week in the warm weather.  And where I live it is warm a lot.  So I don't know what else to do to loose the few pounds I need to.  And right now I don't care.  This is me.  And if this is not what he wants then he can leave.  That is just how I feel.  I won't try to change for him when he is not willing to change for me.  
Again.  Thanks to all the wonderful ladies on this site who have helped me.  I still come and reread your suggestions.  And Thanks Kymmy44.  I am trying.
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Hi,

I read every single of your guys' comments. I am currently having issues of my own with my husband of only 5 months. We met in medical school - started dating first day we saw each other - something clicked. Dated for 2 years, and then he proposed to me, and shortly after we got married.  Turns out, he put up a facade of who he really was. I didnt really have much of a past to begin with (dating around, or hooking up) - and whatever that i had in the past was open and honest. He continuously lied about everything. from messages of girls he's hooked up with in the past, to having intentions of being with someone else while being with me..to looking up thousands (literally!) of photographs of girls on websites. I have sat down, talked to him about everything calmly, even told him that honesty is something that i value and without it there is nothing. I have no trust in him. He lies to my face about checking women out. I have no problem with porn, or if he looks at women, but i do have a problem with people who distort the truth or tell half lies.  He said he's going to work on things, its been forever it seems.. every day is a battle.

To top it off, he uses excuses to back up his actions after he gets caught. I don't get it? I'm not going to judge a person for being upfront and blunt about their doings. I know i say things the way they are. I can't lie. Why would i want to ..to someone i chose to marry. That person should be my vault.. someone i can tell anything and everything to.. There are no divorces in my family - none. My grandparents, great grand parents... parents, cousins, uncles, aunts.. all happily married.

My grandfather told me one thing when i got married and he said.. HONESTY is everything. Its the basis of a strong foundation. I think i will be the first in the family to get divorced if things keep going on like this...


Im tired of it all. :( ..
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973741 tn?1342346373
I'm very sorry for your difficulties.  You'll get some much needed support and some answers from our fine people here on the forum if you post your own question.  When you tag your own story onto the end of a long, older post . . .   it gets lost.  You can ask your own question by going to the top of this page and hitting 'ask a question."  Thanks and we are here for you
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Hi there, My fiance of 1 1/2 years just found out that i have been lying to her face about not masturbating ad watching porn. and she has lost her trust in me for everything else. I hope i'm not too late for this message to you as this is an old message thread

Firstly, your husband of 33 years probably lied for the same reason as me. He does not want to tarnish the most important truth which is that he loves you and none of the woman he sees in porn will every live up to you...

Secondly, masturbation and porn is addictive to a lot of men, So ladies who are looking for a perfect man that does not masturbate, Good luck. Chances are the best of men that treat and pamper their better half has a dark side... most of them masturbate.

Thirdly, Addiction to masturbation is a difficult thing to quit. I have been masturbating since about 14 years old and I'm 28 now.. As I got older, I felt more ashamed and I have been trying to stop especially when im in a relationship. I feel remorseful every time I slip and do it again. Its not easy to begin with and if you keep nagging your husband about it, it would be impossible. Instead help him quit, maybe mark a calender and let him cross out each day he doesn't do it. Thats what im planning to do at least.

Now my fiance thinks that Im lying about other things to her and hiding things from her. Besides hiding my mom's insulting comments and my masturbation addiction, the last thing I want to do is lie if it is not to protect her.

I lie because my fiance deserves better.and i will get closer to quitting this addiction so that I will be better. Not because I am intentionally hiding things from her.

Hope this helps

Warm Regards,
A man with an aching heart
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1247529 tn?1313499931
Well doggieinlove.  Let me give you a small work of advice from a woman who is broken because of the lie.  DO NOT LIE!!!!!!  Of course she does not trust you.  You have lied to her face.  If she would lie to you over and over would you trust her?  Think about this.  For me, I don't know if he is masturbating and I really don't care. The part I care about is the LIE.  The looking at pictures of naked women is not as bad either.  The looking at young, skinny, sexy girls right in front of me IS a problem.  Hurts me so bad.  I thought my husband and I had a relationship where we could talk about anything for the first 27 or so years.  Where we told each other everything.  We had a Honest relationship.  Well, we did kind of.  I could talk to him till he started getting upset if I said anything about my feelings.  And I had to tell him everything but he hid lots.  And I was honest about everything but he lied.  And straight to my face.  HOW am I supposed to trust him now?  So you see.  HOW is she supposed to trust you?  I can't say it will change.  I don't know.  After knowing this for about 5 years now I still don't trust him.  But that is because he don't try.  So TRY hard to earn back her trust if you really love her and want to be with her.  That is all I can say.  Don't take her for granted.  Don't take her youth just so YOU can be happy.  She has to be happy also.  
Thanks for telling me your story.  It helps a little.  But I think I am too far gone to help.  You are not.  Just be 'HONEST" with your fiance.  I don't understand being dishonest with the one you love.  
God Bless,
A woman with a crushed heart (don't let it get this far)
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Thank you for your honest response. Its been a rough patch but I believe we've got through it.

I just wanted to add that the main reason I hid the masturbation  secret from my fiance before was because I was afraid of losing her. For my fiance, both lying and masturbation were deal breakers. Fortunately, she and I has been through enough for her to know I didn't mean her any harm.

Wherever state you are in now with your relationship, I wish you all the best and I'll pray for you.

Warm Regards,
doggie still in love :)
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1247529 tn?1313499931
I am so happy that your relationship was saved.  And I pray you NEVER find the need to lie to her again.  Sorry if I was too rough.  I just don't understand lying.
I also pray y'all have a long and happy life together.  
Thanks for the prayers.  

God Bless  
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Hi , while on google I came across this, And I am currently in a very similar situation you were in having a husband lie, except my husband and I have only been together for almost 8 years, 6 years ago I caught him texting with another women and at the time I had just given birth to our son, I was completely devastated, but I got passed it and I thought out relationship was great, well just recently while on his email I found that he had profiles for websites for people looking to cheat on their spouse and but not just one , several, My heart broke instantly , I feel awful, as soon as I am alone all I do is cry. I confronted him and at first of course he lied and said it's just junk but I did more looking and it's not , Now he sais he did do it but never met anyone or did anything , wich I want to find true but I'm not sure what to believe anymore. I'm trying so hard to move forward but I can't let it go. Doese the trust ever come back ?
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I am right there with you, and there is no good in sight for us. For 13 years mine got deeper and deeper into online porn and I know chats and theres been too many what he calls coincidences going on the whole time. He lies about everything, and has wrecked me totally. I will never look at him the way I used to. And yes, our whole marriage has been a lie. When a man continues to lie about everything, the woman is not allowed to heal.  His attitude now has gotten so bad because of my questions and accusations, that we dont really stand a chance. The only thing that could ever work, is I would have to just shut up, remain in isolation and thats exactly what it has done to me. I have lost everything because of his sins to our marriage bed. Dont let anyone downplay what he has done, especially if he was addicted and also continued to lie. When they finally feel true sorrow for what they have done, only then can they truly repent (which is to turn away from their sins). Bless you....wifeP.
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1247529 tn?1313499931
I am so sorry that you are going through this also.  And I know exactly what you mean.  I must say my husband is trying.  He slips a bit but does not look every day anymore.  BUT he has not wanted to look at me either in over a year.  And just as long since we have been intimate.  I don't know if we will ever get back to us or even if I want to.  I mean "US" was a lie.  It was always us and other women he looked at.  He said something about I told him before look but don't touch.  Well yea,  IF YOU MUST.  But not drool or oogle.  And never did I think he was searching for and looking at porn or porn pictures.  I guess I had been in denial or something.  Or just plain stupid.  Not anymore.  I have no feelings left.  I can't.  If I do then he hurts me.  And I know some will say that is my fault.  And I know it is.  But I do have to say.  If you have not walked in my shoes don't judge.   It is hard to let my life go.  I mean I have been with him longer than I have not.  We have been together for 36 years.  Married for 33.  I was 15 when I met him and we started dating.  I just wish MEN would show their true self from the beginning.  Why hide.  I can tell you why.  Because then they would NEVER find a GOOD woman.  
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I've read these posts and they are killing my heart. They are killing me because a couples problem that you were willing to solve has not been met half way. And, you "keeping up your appearance" is great...but that isn't the solution. Do you think that you are an attractive woman? Whatever YOUR answer is, is the truth.
The issue is your husband. No accountability. Never grown up. Zero respect for his wife. Zero ability to communicate. Addictive personality. Not giving his life to God.
Forgive me, but what I'm about to say may sting a bit because I lived through the chain of lies. When will you feel it is time for you to think of YOU? The victim role is easy to play- "I am hurt by him. I'm not pretty enough for him. We don't have sex because it's me. I'm being lied to over and over..." END IT ALL AND EMPOWER YOURSELF! If you don't have one, get a job. Move out or boot him out...with his computer. Blessings to YOU and your definition of the real man that WILL enter your life.
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1247529 tn?1313499931
Thanks for your comment.  I take them all to heart.  I have put it in God's hands.  He will guide me to where I am supposed to be. He will show my husband what he is supposed to do if that is his will.  I do for me these days.  If he don't like it oh well.  
Thanks again.  Bless you
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Wow.  First I want to say ... Bravo to the few men who dared to post here.  But I just have one little tiny problem with the doggie, love the name you chose and that just shows you that your proud of it just like my husband makes his jokes, but anyway ... doesn't your wife deserve to know what kind of person she is with?  I mean like, who are you to decide by telling lies that she doesn't get to really know the man she is with?  What is it with people? My husband, who I have been with for going on 30 years now .. is just like all the rest.  I think thats what ***** here.  Every man does it I here.  And if they say they don't there is either something wrong with them or they are liars.  Who hasn't told a lie?  I have, most people I know have.  But repeatedly, the same lie ... over and over again.  But it has nothing to do with us they say, its just blowing off steam, getting rid of an itch .... being a guy!  I was accused of trying to take away my husbands manhood because I look at him and see him looking ... not just looking but thoroughly enjoying with his facial expressions at other women.  Wow, if that's how men are summing up their manhood then this world is in trouble.  We are in trouble anyway ... its just a matter of how fast we go down.  And so, I don't even want to look at him anymore.  I don't trust him.  He gives me compliments sometimes, I don't believe them to be genuine because I see his face when he likes something.  I've seen too much.  I've heard too much.  He can't say in one argument that "of course he wants to have sex with other women" then on another drunken night whisper in my ear that Im the most beautiful woman that walked the earth when hunny, you and I both know that ain't true.  I dont have many friends, because ya see way back when I was young my husband was a jealous freak who didnt like me having friends.  He was very controlling, I couldnt even wear what I wanted to wear to work.  He had to know every conversation, what I was doing, where I was going .. so I lost my friends.  He still has friends, oh yeah... and also an erray of sweet hobbies and eye candy out the wazoo to keep him happy.  Yet he doesn't understand why I cant be happy with HIM.  I can be happy when he is at work, when I now go out with family occasionally (and this is great now because he gets to hit the porn stash - he wont do it on the computers or phones since he knows I have them monitored).  Well ... guess what hunny .. the next time I go visit a sick relative in the hospital and you just see it as a chance to be a pig ... those tapes you have .. well .. ya see .. I got a pair of scissors and cut every single VHS tape thats in YOUR box.  Oooh hooo wait til he finds that.  I want a front row seat!  Did I mention we have sex every night .. so 5 hours after we just had sex you need to jerk to some 80's porn you already seen a million times JUST BECAUSE IT AINT ME ... but it has nothing to do with me.  Ya just gotta love what they come up with sometimes.  Yes I am depressed, I am depressed over my situation, not about life itself.  My situation is I love a man who acts like a kid.  Who didn't help out much raising our kids because he was too busy with the tv and his hand in his pants.  Im his second wife, the first didnt last that long because she got fat after having his kid at like 15 or 16.  It is all my fault I clinged onto this kind of guy.  Like he said, I knew what I was getting myself into.  He was mentally abusive and has hit me ... I hit back.  I might be mentally abusive to him now because of all the **** I sucked up for sooooo damn loooong. I sware I have PTSD from just living with this nice guy.   We live paycheck to paycheck, and he is always quite fine with that because someday he is gonna hit the lottery.  He feels the world owes him something for being such a good and kind person.  To the ones he dont supposively love . yea sure.  His kids have felt it too, its not just me.  I just feel like Ive wasted my life with him.  And I keep doing it because I have nowhere to go.  I dont have a large family.  And have maybe 1 friend who he just may have had sex with .. they both dont remember what happened that night .. in my bedroom while I slept on the couch.  See, should have ran then .. what a dumb *** I am.  Whoever said the fear of change is what gets you hit the nail on the head.  I mean I kind of want change so bad I can taste it .. when Im out with him and I see other people having a good time I want that .. I just dont feel like I can ever have that with him again.  I LET HIM destroy me from DAY ONE!  From that very first kiss as "the other girl" to him wishing he had another woman. Everything in between is him taking care of him and his needs .. and maybe when my son finishes his senior year this summer ... I just might disappear.  And as the letter he wrote when he was crying his eyes out about his son from his previous marriage that he wished he would have spent more time with him before they moved away ... he will be sorry once again.  I just dont think a strong person would need so many things to be sorry for.

Anybody want to come with me?  What if ... just think about it, we get a group of women together and just live.  When I get out of here, I dont ever want to be married again like ever ever.  I just want to focus on ME, any friends I meet along the way and the simple fun things in life.  To hell with all this crap.  God bless the younger generations ... guys in their 20s will need viagra to **** a real woman.  But I hear its worth the rush to completely **** yourself and your family up for.

One final thought to the woman who said her husband didn't have "the porn" problem.  I am glad you can dismiss what the guys who do have the issue say .. WE ALL DO IT, not a man alive that don't.  If you think you have one, you don't know the person you are with.  These aren't my words, they are of my husbands and most other men who get caught.  We are all in this life for ourselves, take care of YOU!
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I feel exactly the same way for the same reason. I don't know what to do either , I get so depressed that I feel like dying. I think he would be happier without me, If I were gone  he could find someone younger and better looking that would turn him on. I HATE MYSELF NOW ,I USED TO THINK I WAS THE ONLY ONE HE THOUGHT But now I feel like   HE LOOKS AT OTHER WOMEN SO HE CAN HAVE SEX WITH ME. I THINK HE IS  THINKING ABOUT ANOTHER WOMEN WHILE WE ARE HAVING SEX. I JUST CRY ALL THE TIME AND I HATE TO LEAVE MY HOUSE  any more because it makes me feel so worthless when I see a women that is better looking then me . I don't know why he stays with me when he could have someone like that
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