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How can I learn to trust again after he lied to me?
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How can I learn to trust again after he lied to me?

How can I learn to trust my husband after he lied to me straight to my face.  Now it is not a huge lie.  But always though he was honest with me.  Never in a million years would I think he would lie to me.  So now.  We have been together almost 33 years now.  Dated for 3 and in Oct. it will be 30 years we are married.  He lied to me about looking at naked pictures of women on the internet.  And a little porn.  I have always been honest with him and he know that is a huge thing with me.  Honesty.  So now that this has happened I start to think that our whole marriage has been a lie.   How do I know?   And also our sex life has been not good.  And I noticed that when he looked at the pictures is when he would want sex.  So I think he has to look at that in order to get excited and have sex with me because he really wants a young, skinny sexy woman.  I am not fat but do have a little tummy. But am trying to loose it and about 10 pounds.  And after having 3 children my breast are not perky anymore,  but don't think exercise will help that and don't think I am willing to have surgery.  He says I excite him but I don't believe him.  Why should I? He lied about looking at the pictures and I did not know so how do I know he is not lying now.  Also, I don't know for sure if he even wants to touch me.  We went a few months of no touch.  Then after I asked him he started again.  But is he just doing it because I said something or out of guilt?  I don't know anymore.  I can't tell if he is being truthful.  I love him and am so very in love with him.  And deep down I know he loves me.  I am just not sure he is still in love with me anymore.  
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This doesn't mean Your whole marriage has been a lie.  He probably looked and then lied to You because He knew You would be upset.  I'm not condoning His lying - I'm just suggesting that lying about this doesn't necessarily mean something "sinister" is going on - just that He was trying to avoid upsetting You.  
This permissive society that we have become makes it difficult for the "ordinary" Woman who doesn't feel she can compete with the air-brushed, 8x10, cropped, glossy photos that our Men are looking at.  I suppose the Men know this too.  I mean, how many Women do They meet and see on the street, in the flesh, who REALLY look the way they are portrayed in the pictures and videos??  These Men are not stupid - but They DO like to look - They are more "visual" than we are sexually.
P.S.
I'll bet He doesn't look like He did 33 years ago either.  And that's okay with You, right?  and He didn't bear any children to change His body from 33 years ago but You still love Him!!  and He still loves You too!!  We don't live with looks - we live with the Person - and He knows Women don't REALLY look like they are portrayed in those pictures and films.
So - relax and try to let this go.  I just know in my heart that this Man loves You and only You!!
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I agree with Tinkkerbell.  Really, some men do just like to look once in a while and it has nothing to do with loving or lusting after another . . . it's just an impulse.  On some level, he knows you wouldn't be thrilled and so he probably felt pushed into a corner and fibbed hoping to not get in trouble.  Little did he know that it would end up with your doubting the whole marriage over this.  
You've been together a long time.  Certainly, he's revealed most of himself to you by now.  I'm sure you ultimately trust him.  Do you rule with an iron fist?  Do you get really upset about things and overreact?  When that is the case with a spouse, their partner may sometimes just not want to 'deal' with it over something they see as silly.  

Don't make this into a huge deal or a huge fight. Tell him that you'd rather be honest and YOU will temper how you react to things so he doesn't have to worry about telling you everything.  

Honestly, you have said nothing that makes me concerned for your marriage over and above your own insecurity being a problem.

You love him.  He loves you.  It will be alright.  Congrats on 33 years!  Here is to another 33!  Peace.
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Thanks for the comment.  I know he looks too.  I have caught him.  Asked him if that is what he wants. He said no. But I do think that is what he needs to look at in order to have sex with me.  Since we talked about him looking at that we have not unless I started it.
No, he does not look the same. But Yes, I love him no matter what. He is not completely out of shape just a little heavier.  And he turns me on so much it hurts.  I just don't understand why he don't want to make love with me anymore.  I think is it because he is not turned on by me anymore.  He wants the sexy women he looks at.  And no matter how much he tell me different I can't believe him right now.  I never ever thought in a million years that he would lie to me, ever.  I so believed every word he said to me. I just never thought he would. I trusted him with every ounce of me.  I am trying to let it go but it is so hard.  
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He knows how I feel about lying.  It is my biggest petpeeve.  I can't stand it.  I rather get in trouble than lie.
No, I don't rule with a iron fist.  Mostly I just keep it all to myself and suffer in private.  I cry but don't get angry.  I try not to cry but can't help it. If he would have been  honest I would not have liked it but at least it would be done.  He could look at the pictures if he wanted.  But now hiding it and lying about it makes it so nasty and makes it like he fantasizes about them. Like that is the only thing that gets him excited.  I know I don't.
Yes, I am insecure.  But I wasn't till this.  In all actuality I was being more aggressive because that is what I thought he wanted. He had said he would like it. Then he would just turn me away.  Now, I don't even like undressing in front of him. I love him so much.  I want him so bad. And I want to trust him again so bad.  
I have told him I would rather have honesty and he said we will.  But I really can't believe it yet.
Thanks. I want more than 33.  I am in this for the long run.  I can't live without him.  He is what make my life worth living.  Without him, I am nothing.  
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Worried, the above women, TTinKKerBBell and specialmom are some of the wisest women you'll find here.  Their words of wisdom and encouragement are on the button and certainly worth listening too and referring back to in the coming days, weeks, months, and years.

What this is all about is lying and porn.  Lying stinks.... I've seen the pain it causes and I understand the betrayal of trust.  But to say that your entire marriage has been a lie is completely not true.... you know that.  He probably lied about looking at pron because of the embarrassment of being caught.  Heck no that doesn't make it right!  I am not saying that.  What I am trying to say is, I wouldn't let a lie about looking at porn destroy my life and marriage.  What I would do is tell your husband that the lie hurt and his honesty is something that you always admired and need now more than ever.  Talk to him, ask if there is a problem that you can help him with.  Ask if he thinks you (both of you) should seek a therapist to assist with this issue.

Also, and I am not minimizing how you feel about the porn, but your views on how or why your husband is looking at it is your views, your perspective.  You can certainly let him know how it makes you feel, and only you can determine if looking at it is a deal breaker.  Communication is key... be willing to voice your true feelings and be willing to hear his as well.  (And by the way, suffering in private I hope is not a constant thing.  That is a horrible way to get by.  I know, because I've done it my whole life.  Get it out there.  It's toxic and it creates more problems.)  You guys, especially after 33 years ought to be damn well able to say anything at any time regarding the marriage an d your feelings.  Do not hold it in.... if it bothers you or him, it is worth saying.

Marriages, even after 33 years need work and attention.  Seek a therapist and find help with each other.  I wish you the best.
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Yes, I think a therapist could be helpful here.  I say that because in all honesty--------  you are having an emotional reaction to this that is more extreme than the circumstances seem to warrent.  

Granted, porn is one of those things that some feel very strongly against.  But you are taking it personally.  That does seem to indicate some deep insecurity that maybe you weren't aware of.  

Lying is never good, but let us be honest.  We all do it at some point.  Yes--------- if my girlfriend has a hideous hairdo, rather than hurt her when she asks me if I like it, I don't give her my full opinion.  Why?  Because I am trying to protect her from something that I see harmless.  Or someone might be trying to protect themselves when they feel they did wrong, are sorry but ultimately, it was harmless.  The just make it go away so I don't get in trouble mentality.  This is human nature.  MUCH different than a serial lyer or someone that has a double life (which it does not sound like a once in a while peek at porn would be.).  

I agree with Brice that communication is your answer here.  Talk to him and come to some agreements.  But your emotional state over it worries me.  This I think you need to talk to a professional to sort out.  good luck and peace.
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Thanks brice. Yes it is about both but mostly the lying.  The porn I can live with.  It still hurts but I could live with it as long as it is not hidden.  It is the lying that hurts the most.  Yes, after 33 years together we should be able to talk about anything.  Well why when I asked him about it he looked me in the eye and lied.  That is what I am having a problem with.  He looked me straight in the eyes and lied and I did not even know. I do know deep, deep down our whole marriage has not been a lie.  But it does bring up suspicion. I won't let him looking at sexy women destroy our life. It is not worth it. I just am struggling with the lie. I have told him how much it hurt me. We talked about it. He gets defensive and like he is mad at me for how I am feeling sometimes.  That is why I keep it in.  I don't want to upset him because of my stupidity. I can't help hurting. Yes, suffering in private has been a lifetime thing for me. I only let it out when I can't hold anymore in.  Then I just let out enough for me to be able to handle.  I am trying very hard. I do not want to loose him. I can't.

specialmom. I am not one that feels very strongly against porn.  I am not saying I like it just is ok if some look.  And if he were just looking at porn it would't be as bad. He searched for sexy, young, skinny women. And after searching is when he wanted sex. Now that he says he is not searching he wants nothing to do with me. So what am I supposed to think?  Maybe I do need a therapist. I can only tell my husband so much. I can't handle it all at once. And living 5 1/2 hours away from our family and friends does not help. I am here all alone.
I would not lie to a girlfriend in your example.  I would just ask if she likes it and if she does then say that is all that counts then.  I do tend to keep my mouth shut more when it comes to family and very close friends but not lie.  
We do communicate some. I guess not enough.  I just love him so much. He is my soul mate.
I will be ok.  I have been like this for a long time.  But I do thank you. I think I am depressed but can't talk to a doctor for that. My husband says he don't understand that.  If you are unhappy then find what is making you unhappy and fix it.  Don't need a doctor or meds for it.  
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hi worriedwife81 i clearly understand your hurt, the issue in question here is the lie he has betrayed your trust. I am currently in a very similiar circumstance, my partner of 13years recently lied to me (im not sure how long 4) but he has been having secret contact with an ex of his which was before my time. I saw a missed call a few days back from a woman with the same name as the ex and although i did wander what if this is her, i put it at the back of my mind and gave him the benefit of the doubt and carried on with everyday life. So a few days two days after the missed call i was coming back from work and on the fne to other half when his other fne beeped and i said answer it, he said to me its only his couzin and he will call him back, nevertheless he answered it and told them he would fne them back. He had adifferent tone of voice he usually has so i confronted him and he got defencive and told me maybe u are hiding something. When i got home i asked him to c his fne, he had deleted all calls from history but i did manage to find last caller id, i asked him if its the same girl from 13yrs ago and at this point he said to me your the spy u should do it rite. So i picked his fne and began dialling no, with him in the background tellin me nt to do it. I managed to get tru to her and to my suprise she knew my name, and confirmed it was the same girl, at this point i was in an emotional wreck and thought i dnt want to gv this girl any ideas that im having probs in my relationship so cut the fne off. And told partner its over. He got mad at me 4 snooping and when i tried to ask why in a million years youd chase for her number he told me he would never tell me as im too dumb to understand, how can i accept the fact that he lied and is guilt tripping me and judging me 4 my actions, but yet he has been contacting this girl 4 only God knows how long, to make matters worse we have a 4 yr old child who wanders y mum n dad dont talk and sleep in the same bed no more. He decided to move out of bed. I do love him and like u cnt imagine life with another but i dnt see any reasonable and justifiable explanation on this, in my eyes small tings can easily be flood gateaways to the worst, and whilst many mite say this is extreme scenario im worried that it may happen in the future, this emotional 'affair' is destroying me and makin me doubt myself. Hope all will work out 4 u.
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Well I still just can't get it out of my mind that he lied to me.  I guess because he is still looking and hiding it.  I have gotten to the place where I just wish God would take me.  I am so tired of hurting and I don't know how to stop it.  We have talked about this several times.  He always gets upset then says he loves me and will stop.  But I don't believe him at all.  I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore.  How can I.  He has been lying to me for 34 years and I believed him for 31 of them.  My problem is I love him.  And now I think it is killing my marriage.  He don't even look at me anymore.  And I know that is because my body is not what he wants.  Well I really just wanted to say Thank You to all for trying to help.  I just don't know if there is anything that will help except us separating. And that will kill me.  But that don't matter I am done.  Thanks again.  
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I'm going out on a limb here.  I don't think you're upset at the lie,  I think you're mad at him over the bald honest truth.

I'm about where you are.  I've been married almost as long,   and I know my husband doesn't get turned on by my looks the way he used to when I weighed 98 pounds when we first got married.  I'm now 125,  have some stretch marks,  some grey hairs,  c-section scars and my arms and back don't look like they used to.  When I would undress,  he would literally suck in air.  

I know that doesn't happen anymore.  That's life.  He loves me,  he's with me,  and it's not like I turn him off.  I know he would prefer that I looked like I did when we first met.  

Why are you trying to make him say that to you?  The bald honest truth.  You know it,  I know it,  and thank goodness the men are kind enough and savvy enough not to just say it - because that's stupid and cruel.

Best wishes.
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Like RockRose, I too think it may more than the "simple" "lie".

I think it could be about porn addiction and that You feel He only has interest in You AFTER He views porn....and I have come to learn this can be a BIG issue in some relationships.

Looking at porn ain't what it used to be!!  8 x 10 glossies in a magazine (Playboy, Hustler) is NOT the same as "virtual sex" and porn on our computers today.  I read an article in a "PSYCOLOGY TODAY" magazine and did I get an education!! - apparently there is a whole NEW spin on TODAY's pornography which comes to us via our computers.  It's no longer a matter of "it's okay if He looks but doesn't touch"!!  Time and Technology has changed all this.  

The article is titled "Your Brain on Porn Series:  Porn Addiction" by Gary Wilson.  Please - read it - it's on the same computers that bring us the  porn.  I think You'll be surprised at what You learn.  It seems that today's porn has become a BIG, troublesome issue in a LOT of Relationships.  Until I read this article I did not understand the term "porn addiction", I thought it was an "obsession",  more than a bit selfish, if He let it interfere with His relationship -  but now, what I have learned is that: Porn "overstimulates" the Brain and with enough of this "OVER" stimulation the Brain actually changes!! - the SAME changes that occur with ALL addictions!!

As I understand it, the "INTENSITY" of porn that is displayed on our computers creates a "hightened" level of stimulation that our "primitive" Brains weren't intended to experience & because of that, the Brain of SomeOne who regulary uses porn causes changes in the neuropathways of the Brain - in the SAME ways of an alcoholic or drug user/addict!!  - the chemical neurotransmitter "dopamine" is the "culprit".   The more "intense" the experince, the more dopamine is released into the Brain - "dopamine" is behind ALL motivation - but when the Brain is  OVER stimulated, we get addiction. When we submit OurSelves to OVER stimulation our Brain "re wires" itself for the addiction (whatever it may be - porn, drugs, alcohol, whatever) AND for the "NEW" neuro pathways that We are creating with this OVER stimulation.   It's the "dopamine" that we become addicted to, whatever path it is we have chosen to raise these levels (again, it could be porn, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, whatever)

We all need to read this ("Your Brain on Porn") for "enlightenment"!!   We had better get a handle on what we are doing to OurSelves and Our Children before we "do away" with the Human Race altogether  - std's, AIDS, whatever else is on the horizon because of Our promiscuity and addictions AND if  the act of sex is no longer necessary between REAL Men and REAL Women because Men are fulfilling Their dopamine levels with  porn, then there will be NO pro-creation!!  We better start thinking, about what We are doing!!.  For all Our technology, we STILL "operate" with our "primitive" Brains!!  If we cannot see this, see what We are doing to OurSelves, what about Our Children, Our GrandChildren??  Won't these changes, won't these technologies affect them too????  Of course it will.!! The question is "How far will it go??"
There have been civilizations in the past hat have destroyed themselves - Is this where We are headed??
Wouldn't it be sad, really, really sad if we ended up annihilating ourselves over an addiction to PORN!!??

(I may be thinking "outside the box"!!?? - but this stuff is interesting to me!!)
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Thanks for your input.  The "LIE" or should I say "LIES" are my issue.  If he would have just been honest with me from the beginning 34 years ago.  I totally despise lies.  And he knows it.  But has done it from the beginning.  And yes of course it bothers me that he does not "want" my body.  But it is not the big problem.  We went 20 something years without much intimacy.  Only every now and then.  So that is not a problem for me.  I guess during those years I did not see it because our kids kept me busy and he worked offshore.  But now I look back I realize he did not "want" me then either and was looking and lusting at other women.  And I was in good shape then.  Not that I am in terrible shape now.  Older, a few grays, a little extra weight and gravity has taken over a bit. And he don't look like when we first met either.  But he, up to a few weeks ago, turned me on so much.  Now my desire is just gone. Can't torture someone and not expect changes.   Anyway.  Thanks  
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Thanks TTinKKerBBell.  As far as I can see he don't look at "porn".  He just searches for pictures of skinny, sexy women.  Not watching sex.  And YES of course it hurts that he has to look at another woman in order to have sex with me.  It would hurt anyone.  He thinks it makes me angry.  But it does not.  It just HURTS me.  I don't need sex.  Never have.  Only did for him.  Now I did get to a point to where I did need.  But with his only wanting now and then it has left.  I mean you can only torture someone so much before they change.  Can't want sex a few days in a row then nothing for 2 or so weeks.  And once he started can't finish.  That is why we did not have intercourse much in the past.  I am to the point to where I don't need again so it is all good.  He can look at all the sexy women he wants then he can go jerk off.  I am done.  As long as he don't lie about.  I HATE lies.  I am a honest person. And I take Pride in that.  If I can't tell you the truth I just as soon say NOTHING at all.  So you see.  It IS the lies I have a problem with.  And now it is TRUST.  How do you have a relationship with no trust?  I just don't believe anything he says now.   Anyway. Thanks so much for your help.  I will just do what I always do.  Keep it to myself and live in misery and distrust.
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Worriedwife,  have you ever thought about a good therapist?  I mean a really good one,  who digs right into the wounds and gets to the root of the problem,  not just lets patients talk and talk in circles.

I'm just not sensing - at all - that you're dealing with what's bothering you head on.  Your statements conflict too much.  In rereading,  do you see how you keep going back and forth between saying it hurts you a great deal that he doesn't want you,  and then you quickly turn around and say it doesn't hurt you,  or even make you angry,  all that angers you is that he won't tell you the truth that you don't turn him on.  

You just keep changing your mind in your statements about what's making you so enraged,  and you keep using words like "tortured" all this time,  and then you retreat to saying everything was fabulous until very recently.  Then you revert to saying you've always been tortured by him,  for 20 years.  Then again it was great until 2 months ago.

I don't know you,  and I'm not a therapist so I can't even guess at what you're avoiding staring down,  but it's something.  

Reread back through this thread and notice how many about faces you do,  even within consecutive sentences.

I wish you the very best.
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My husband says he don't see why people need a therapist.  All you need to do is find what is making you unhappy and fix it.  So what do you think me going to a therapist would do to our already stained relationship?
I don't recall saying everything was fabulous until very recently. I did say"our sex life has not been good" I don't see where I said it was great until 2 months ago either.  
I guess something is wrong with me.  It does hurt that he don't want me.  It does. But I am to the point that I don't care anymore.  I don't care if he looks and lust over other women.  But it does hurt.  I Never said I was enraged.  Not once.  And it is torture when you are brought to the edge and left there hanging so many times.  And also when he wants sex a few day in a row then don't even touch me for 2 or so weeks.  That leads to not wanting sex at all on my part.  And when I ask about it or try to understand why it is so sporadic, HE gets upset.
I read back and don't see what you are talking about.  
I guess I am avoiding staring down a separation and divorce.  Trying to not get there.  And yes I am not happy about his lusting at other women.  I know I am not.  And yes I am very unhappy about his lying.  I know I am that too.  I am trying to figure out if we can avoid the separation and divorce.  I love him.  And I guess I know he loves me.  My issue is getting my head around the "trust" again.  
Thanks
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Your Husband said He "don't see why People need a therapist, all You need to do is find what is making You unhappy and fix it"

# 1:  It looks to me like You think You HAVE found what is making You unhappy ("his lying")
#2:   and, We cannot "fix" what we percieve to be "wrong" with SomeOne else.  There's no doubt in my mind that You have told Him again and again that - no matter what He may be doing,  You DO NOT want Him to lie to You.  So - have You "fixed" that??!!

We cannot, EVER, fix SomeOne else - we can ONLY "fix" OurSelves.

So, go "fix" YourSelf.  Go to therapy and "learn" how to "accept" what You perceive to be lies from Your Husband or "learn" how to take charge of Your OWN life and realize what You CAN or CANNOT fix, what You ARE or ARE NOT willing to accept in a relationship.

P.S.  I agree with RockRose.  She's a Wise and Sensitive Woman and She's picking up on something here that You may not easily see because You are so "close" to the situation.

We all mean well.  You come here for advice and People can only "call" it as they "see" it.  Take what You can use and leave the rest.  The choice is always Yours.

I also wish You the best.
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1247529_tn?1313499931
I am sorry if you took anything I said wrong.  I was just answering RockRose's post.  I did go back and read and did not see what she was talking about.  I guess I am missing something.  I went back and reread it a few times to make sure.  I appreciate all the advice I have gotten here.  And I am very Thankful for it all.
To answer your question.  No, I have not "fixed" it.  I told him he has to fix it.  And he don't.  So it will never be fixed.  So I will never have trust again.  I am depressed.  I know I am.  And have come to the conclusion that it is not just him.  I am living in a state I don't want to be.  Away from my family and friends.  I have no one here except my husband.  I so want to go home.  This is not home.  This is a house.  And I think I hold that as his fault.  So I am trying to sort through it all.  Maybe that is what RockRose was feeling.  I don't know.  
I really want to say Thank You all for the advise.  I guess I will get through it.
Have a blessed day.  
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Worried,  I think you've totally hit on it here.  It sounds like you are completely unhappy in life,  not living where you want to be,  not happy with how you look,  lonely,  dissatisfied in the most general terms with your lot in life,  and you're feeling very angry.  And when you feel those angry feelings you look around,  and just sort of guess it's because he lied about looking at pretty thin young women,  and you're piling all your unhappiness at life in general on that one little thing when in fact you're really very dissatisfied with the entire package.

I used to do recreational programs for adults with mental retardation,  and there was this woman who one day was limping a lot.  Real difficulty walking.  She kept pointing to this nearly healed small cut on her thigh and saying it hurt too much to walk.  After a couple days of this her caseworker took her to the hospital for an x-ray - there was NO WAY that little healing cut hurt that much.  Sure enough she had a hairline hip fracture that was causing her horrible pain.  In her pain,  she looked down and tried to figure out what the cause was and was guessing it was this little thing because she couldn't think of any other way to explain the pain.

I kind of think that's what you're doing.  You're very unhappy in very big terms with your life as it is right now,  and you're guessing it's because your husband is looking at pictures of think sexy young women and getting turned on,  and trying to cover it up.

That last post you wrote just feels really,  really right to me.

I wish you all the best and hope you are able to sort through all these thoughts you are having and make some headway.  Have a blessed day,  yourself.  ;D
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I told You so!!  RockRose is a Wise!! and Sensitive!! Woman.
I hope You will heed what She says.

ALL of us only want Your happiness.
Regards,
Tink
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Avatar_m_tn
If you've got a few minutes, I want to add to the very sage advice above.  (Those gals are smart as all get out and so, so informative!!!)

As said above, you cannot change him so in short, he has to take care of his problems.  He also has to want to address what you see as problems.  There needs to be an incredible amount of dialogue between the two of you.  There needs to be some understanding on both sides.... this is why the good folks above have mentioned therapy or counseling.  Having a trained professional looking at the situation from the outside in, not taking sides, can be so beneficial.  Again, this has to be something that both of you want to do.  If one of you wont commit to this, it won't work.  

So, if he won't commit to getting some help (or fixing it himself-which he cannot do.  If he could, there would be no therapists or counselors anywhere.... we tend to bury ourselves in our issues and burden ourselves with more issues.  A therapist weeds that out and gets to the real issue...) why don't you go to therapy for just you?  You go to therapy and get help clearing out the cobwebs.....  Your life has value, and I know you know that.  You are trying to succumb to the thought that this is your lot in life (that is the depression).  At the same time, you are here getting your self propped up.... you know on another level that you don't want to go down this way.

You need to know that you have options, and every one of those options have a ray of sunshine in all of them.  This will be difficult, but you have to at least do something for yourself.  You are worth it!
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Thanks Brice.  I will see how things go after we talk once again.  Thanks for the comment my life has value.  Sometimes I don't think so.  I think it is easier to talk to a stranger than someone I know sometimes.  I have lived like this for a long time.  I always put my husband before me then my children came and they came before me also.  I guess I am used to being last.  And by the time it comes to me there is nothing left.  I just really never thought he would look  me in the eye and lie to me.  Never.  I will get over it one day.  
Thanks again all.  Bless you all.
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Avatar_m_tn
You're welcome.  You know.... I did to my wife what your husband did to you.  I looked my wife in the eye and lied my butt off.  This is something that I had never done before and didn't even think I was capable of.  I was, and it almost ruined my wife.

Her feelings compare to yours.  It damaged her self worth/self image, completely destroyed the trust.... so much more.

The only difference was that I knew that I loved my wife and I had to make it right, at least let her have the truth in order for her individually or us together to move forward.  Each bit of truth was another sledgehammer to the foundation of what our marriage stood on.... I dragged it out too long, but her reaction made me feel as if she couldn't handle the truth all at once.... Were past that now, thankfully.

I knew I had a ton of work to do... I knew it would be the most difficult thing that either of us would have to do, and it proved to be that way.  I think we are more or less out of the woods, but both of our work is continually and it has to be.

Relationships take work.  It is constant.  Relationships are like a baby and they need attention, all day every day.  If one person can't do the work or won't do the work, the relationship is sure to be doomed.

In closing, your life does have worth and your kids can learn so much right now.  I suggest doing everything you can to "prop" yourself up.  Doing things that make you feel good... things like therapy, even if by yourself.  Simpler things.... do your hair, nails, and put things like house work on the back burner... you'll get to those things, but after you do for you....  You need to investigate all options.  You need to find time with friends, even if it is at your house over a cup of coffee.  

You do have worth and it will become evident again.
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Wow.  You made me cry.  I wish my husband understood like you do.  He tells me many times a day, everyday he loves me.  And I do believe that.  I just hope he is still "in love" with me.  The last time we talked I told him I would not bring it up again.  So it is hard for me to go back on my word.  I did tell him I am trying very hard to believe him again.  But it still hurts when I think about it.  
I know a relationship is work.  Can't just leave it sit and it will grow.  We work at it everyday.  I am praying he wants to continue doing the work.  I guess we will see.  If not I guess we will be headed for a separation.  I just can't continue living like this.  I am almost gone.  I am fighting for "me" right now.  If I don't no one will.  Like I said I know he loves me.  He treats me very good other than the lying.  He is not abusive or anything like that.  He is a very good provider.  Just not very sensitive to my feelings.  I would like a little romance and I don't think he thinks we need it.  Just send me some flowers now and then or something like that.  I have told him that.  And I feel like if I have to tell him then he is only doing it because I said something.  Anyway.  I will stop.  
I have no desire to do anything.  Our daughter came visit and she and I went get a mani/pedi.  But I only do that now and then.  I hate house work, but do what I have to.  Used to love doing my flower beds and such.  Now I have no desire to do that either.   Can't have time with friends.  I have no friends here.  And even if I found a friend here it would take a very long time to be able to talk to her.  
Thanks again so much.  
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Avatar_m_tn
Hold on a second.  2 things.... from what you just wrote I gathered that you do realize your life has value and that you want a little romance.

The second part is something I want to go over.....  A lot of guys are numb to romance.  I was.  I did all of the nice things when I was courting my wife.  I bought flowers, I left the random "love notes".  Somewhere, it stopped.  For some guys, (and I was one of them) romance was my wife sitting next to me during a movie.  (How freaking far off the romance mark is that?)

There is a book called "The 5 Love Languages".  I suggest that at least you read it, and it would be real good if you two could read it together.  We get ourselves all screwed up with real life happening around us and we lose focus.  This book describes 5 different 'languages" which are basically our unsaid wants/desires of our spouse and also allows us to find out what it is that WE want.

I have to tell you.  I've read every word in that book before, but never in the context that the author laid it out in.  It makes sense, and if the two of you can read it together, there are little quizzes and things to stop and ponder together.

What brought the idea of this book to mind for you guys is that you mentioned "Flowers, every once in a while".  That falls within one of the languages and he might be totally oblivious of it, regardless of how long you've been married.  

Anyhow, it is just a thought.

But, here's the deal again.  You do sound as if you are depressed.  Have you gone to the doctor for a proper diagnosis?  If not, you should and you should ask the doctor about a good plan to follow.  It will probably require some therapy (which I think would prove to be beneficial) and doing some things for you.  Not doing things that we used to enjoy is a big old sign of depression.  Anyone would be in your shoes, but this is doable.  Get some exercise every day.  Short 10 minute walks in the sun are good, then ramp it up.  

Please speak to your doctor about an appropriate avenue to attack this.  I understand depression pretty well, having gone through it myself.  Do this for you....
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I sincerely hope you take the advice and seek out therapy for yourself.  There is so much you've written that screams "depression".  Your last post, about how you do not get enjoyment out of things you used to.  Your self esteem in in the pot, you are feeling down, and at times, like YOU don't have worth.  Those are all classic signs of depression, and while depression certainly didn't CAUSE any problems in your marriage, it definitely will add to them.

You keep going back to the thought that your husband isn't physically attracted to you anymore.  Maybe, just maybe, he SEES the emotional changes in you, and maybe something like depression has changed who you are.  Maybe he misses his wife that was full of life and got pleasure out of so many things.  I'm SURE your husband notices all of these things.  My husband did when I started getting depressed.  It broke my heart one day...this was the same day I vowed to get help...when him and the kids headed off to go somewhere over the weekend.  I was sitting there, watching TV like I always did, feeling sorry for myself. I burst out crying and asked him why he didn't even ASK me to go.  His answer was "I'm tired of asking, the answer is always no, I figure you're happier here alone than with your family".  At first I was so mad, how dare HE!  I tell you, I had to take a long hard look at myself, and he was SO right.  Broke my heart.  For a long time, my kids would say things to him like "Mommy is not coming tomorrow is she?"  I would hear them talking in the other room, and it cut like a knife.  I had some work to do.  I definitely was not the same person my husband married, at that point.

If you start getting some therapy, and start dealing with any issues YOU have, you can be healthier to work on your marriage.  I wish your hubby was open to the idea of therapy, because it almost sounds like maybe HE is having some issues too, perhaps with depression, or that "mid life" rut a lot of people find themselves in.  Its a tough time in life.  A person is faced with the fact that they are getting older, they review what they accomplished in life, and the things maybe they didn't.

It's also not uncommon to lose that "spark" in the bedroom.  It sounds like you BOTH need to communicate to the other what you need in that dept.  You are saying you would like a little more romance, maybe more attention from your husband, ask him what HE would like.  Maybe he would like role playing, or for you to get a sexy piece of lingerie.  He sounds like the kind of guy who probably isn't very open to these kinds of conversations, so maybe ease into it a little, and approach it from the perspective of you wanting you BOTH to get pleasure out of love making, and while you may never regain that same passionate sex life you may have had early on, there ARE a lot of things you can do to improve the current situation.  It will take some time, so be preapred to be patient.

So, my advice to you is to get out there and start doing the things you used to like doing.  Treat yourself more often to a mani/pedi, get your flower bed up and running again, and definitely get yourself into therapy.  Your husband may take notice of the emotional changes in you as you start feeling better about yourself.

I'm happy to hear you are fighting for you, and agree totally that he has to be willing at some point to start doing some work.  If after you've worked on YOU for a while, he is still resistant, then you need to lay it out for him, honestly.  That the current state of affairs in your marriage just isn't cutting it, and that you need him to be willing to at least try.  I'd bet the bank that he's not going to throw away 33 years just because he's stubborn and doesn't agree with therapy.  Your hubby sounds an awful lot like mine in some ways. I could only imagine the reaction I would get if I asked him to go to therapy with me.  After he was done laughing hysterically, he'd probably flat out refuse, unless I really told him how much it meant to me.  My husband would 100% agree with your hubby's outlook, about not needing therapy, "if there is something wrong, fix it."  But, meanwhile, he's seen ME not be able to fix my problems without help, who knows, maybe he's grown a little over the years.  Knowing him, probably not, lol.

You work on you honey...hopefully, the rest will follow suit.  I wish you the very best.
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Thanks, I will look for that book.  I have told him I would like a lil more romance a few time.  But after a few times of telling him I decided if he wanted to have a lil romance he would do it.  I should not have to tell him.  And if I do have to then he must not want and only does it for me.  So I stopped.  
No I have not been to a doctor to determine depression.  I know I am.  It is very hard for me to tell someone else.  My friend back home tells me I need to.  I just don't know if I can.  I am usually a very private person.  Hide what is bothering me behind a smile or a laugh.  No one knows I am not happy unless I tell them.  My husband will ask me now and then if I am ok.  And I say yea with a smile.  
It is funny you say get some exercise.  We go to the gym Mon. thru Friday.  So I do get my exercise.  I think that is part of my problem too.  It is not helping.  
Thanks again.  I will find that book and read it.  
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Thanks for the words of encouragement.  I am trying.  I just feel very lost sometimes here alone.
I don't think he is depressed.  I do know he is unhappy because he took me away from our girls, family and friends.  But I did tell him I would follow him here.  Just did not know it would be so hard.  In all of my almost 49 years of life I have never been away from home.  I guess I will get there.  I have been here 3 years now.  Our 3 girls are back home.  We had our first grand baby last Oct. and are expecting our second at the end of Oct this year.  I think that has a lot to do with it also.  
As for asking him what he wanted I did that and it was a disaster.  That was the very beginning of me thinking he don't want me anymore.  And as for the sexy lingerie I bought 2.   Didn't work.  I won't go into that disaster.
I am fighting.  I am fighting to save me and my marriage.  I love this man so much.  I just wish the hurting would stop.  I just never thought he would lie to me.  NEVER.  For the most part it is not the lie itself, it is the fact that he did indeed lie to me. And not just once.   And that is what I am trying to get over.  And trying to trust him again.  But it hurts.  The reason for my fighting is selfish.  I want to see my grand children grow and my girls make their lives.  That is why I am fighting for me.  Otherwise I would not.  I would just sink in this dark hole till it consumes me.    
Thanks again.  I truly appreciate all of y'all advice.  I will try.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi worriedwife81

I have to say, I totally agree with you and how you feel, I'm sorry to say this but I do. I myself have been in the same situation three times;
I caught My now husband masturbating over porn when we first started seeing each other. I let him know how strongly I felt about it and asked him not to do it, he promised me he wouldn't but, only three months later he again was caught by myself
At this point I asked him to pack his bags and leave, after begging for my forgiveness I decided to give him one last chance and asked him to chose between me or the porn as I felt that, if I ment enough to him, he would respect my wishes

We have since gotten married ( only 4 months ago) but however, again, despite trying his hardest to hide it from me, I found evidence of him again watching porn

I was furious and couldn't believe he had done it to me, I feel cheated and stupid for trusting him in the first place and I now feel like my whole marriage is a lie! Porn makes me feel inadequate and self conscious, like I am not enough for my husband, we are better now after a month's of torture but I dont think I will or can ever trust him again, in my eyes, my husband may as well go and sleep with other women, as he.is climaxing whilst looking at other women performing sexual acts anyway, I dont see the difference.

Anyway, I am with yiu on your feelings and I dont think my marriage will ever be the same again, I will never trust him, and after a previous relationship.ending in my partner having an affair, I dont think I will ever trust another man again!!

The problem is; the vast majority of men and some women use porn and it has been become normalised, I just wish my husband woukd have made his choice as I would have never married him knowing the truth!
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Avatar_n_tn
This is actually a huge problem for me in my marriage as well. I'm only 26, still in shape and married for 4 years, but found out my husband lied to me at looking at other women on internet. Also struggling with trust now. Don't know how to handle this.
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All I can say you can build it up again very slowly but it will take some time but start with very little things and just kind of make sure and listen to others if he they might be telling u he might be.... because you never want to put that kind of thing behind you and move on which is not a good move...
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I am sorry to hear that.  All I can say is if you really love him try to work it out.  Talk to him.  Don't accuse or fuss.  Just talk.  I am still trying to understand it myself.  Still trying to get the trust back so I can't really help much.  I am not sure if your big issue is that he looks at other women or the lie.  My main issue is that he has been lying to me for over 30 years now and I never knew.  So it may take me a while to trust him again.  But I do also have to say he has to try and help that.  He has to prove he is trustworthy.  Now this is my opinion only.  Good Luck.  I Pray all works out for you.  
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You have every right to feel the way you do. Its in our nature to be envious of other women. Maybe you need to be the one to make the first move on the issue. And if/when he gets defensive, let him. And if he walls away for a little that is also okay. He needs to think and when he is ready to talk don't cross your arms that will make him think you're not listening. Keep you're arms open. That well indicated to him that you're listening and willing to work with him.
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It will take a lot to trust him. If you're anything like myself, it will hurt long after you've forgiven him.
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I would like to ad something here.Before i got with my boyfriend i told him i would not tolerate him watching porn or gawking at other woman while we were out together.His response was no problem.Well,I moved in with him and guess hes doing both and lying to my face about it.I find porn on his computer and he makes a total *** out of himself flirting with young girls when we go out.He done it so bad while we were at a restraunt the waitress actually sat down at the table with us!I walked out and he got mad at me for calling him out on it.And everytime i catch him watching porn and i say something to him he punishes me for it.He will withhold money or stop having sex with me and so on.People want you to think you should put up with all of the lame *** excuses that theres nothing wrong with watching porn and womanizing but its all wrong.They all want a faithful woman and cant produce a faithful man to go with it.Everybody wants their cake and eat it to and some of us are not going to put up with it!!!!If he lies about this then what else is he capable of lying about?I no longer love or respect the man or little boy i am with and he only has himself to blame for it.Im also tired of being called a ***** because i wont put up with his ****!!
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Avatar_n_tn
I started out with a similar problem as worriedwife81. I met this guy when I was 22. He liked me first, I just saw him as a friend. He stuck around as my friend and it really didn't take me long to give him a chance... 6 months to be exact. I learned about his interest in porn and at the time I wasn't into it but I don't have a closed mind so I got into it a little. Well I learned about his not so healthy addiction to porn... it seemed he was looking at porn whenever he was on the computer and that was almost all day, every day. He saved the photos to blank cds, which by the way can hold thousands. I had confronted him about the porn and he agreed to cool it a little. I ended up pregnant. During the pregnancy and after, I kept finding cds with photos and in history there was link after link, photo after photo saved on the computer. I was very upset. I felt betrayed much like worriedwife. Though he was still sexually active with me. He seemed to love me very much but just couldn't stop. After having our child, I demanded that he stop looking and I destroyed everything he had saved from it. I told him I would leave if he didn't. He had stopped but in a few years things had changed. He began going to dating sites and 'looking' at women on there. He had even gone as far as to contact a woman and she was under the impression he was single  with child. They hadn't met up or anything, I spoke to her. I almost left him then. I loved him so much that his apology lured me back in. I hadn't had another problem again until now. He had a dirty towel in the front seat of our vehicle and he lied to my face about it. He said it was something he was using on of his vehicles but when I went to wash it, it was stiff. So just out of curiosity I smelled it wondering what could make the towel so stiff and it was definitely semen. I put him on the spot and at first he lied to me, then he told me that he went for a walk on a trail and ejaculated off of the trail... I had so many questions. He claims he was thinking about me. That he was alone. So many things came to mind. I thought maybe my husband is a pervert who spies and ejaculates... and him being gay has always been in the back of my mind. He acts the same around men and women so it is hard to say, but he has asked for anal sex often, a family member also said she thought he was gay when she learned he was with me. I caught him watching a new gay channel on cable the other night. He said he had just flipped to it and was wondering what it was... We still have sex but it isn't far from the traditional ways of doing it. I don't like to mix things up that much but I try for him. He told me that he feels small because he can't make me come. I have to play with my clitoris to come usually so I can understand how he feels there because I hate that it has to be done that way and no other way. I just feel so stupid because maybe I should have let him go a long time ago. He didn't seem to want to marry me, he would say he did but he wouldn't ask me. So I came up with the idea that we should because we had been together for so long and we did. He didn't fight me on it but it still didn't feel like he wanted it. We married 4 years ago and have been together for almost 11 years now. I don't know what to do. My trust is shattered. Any advice anyone?
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Avatar_f_tn
What happened? Its been over a year. I find myself almost in the exact same situation but with a lot lies longevity of relationship, doesn't mean not the same feelings involved. It has happened multiple times, with multiple lies. I just can't believe a single stupid thing he says anymore and I don't know how too get over that to get on with my relationship. All the people on here do have great advice and I really wish I could fall for it, but do they know the destructive hurt this type of constant betrayal leaves in its wake? We are soulmates as well, and that almost makes it worst, I would never want him to feel the way he its making me feel, it makes my heart hurt. I know this sounds extreme but because of the lying it almost seems as if he has a secret relationship almost like cheating. Why? Don't worry about you're appearances, I know I pretty, his actions make me doubt it, but then when I go out every venue a man is looking at me. Not trying to be cocky, just saying its a sickness, ITS NOT YOU! I know it hurts, I'm grasping as strings trying to get past the lying, like you said, that's the biggest deceitful problem. I don't care about the porn until the lying and ack of sex followed. It makes any sane person think what's wrong with me when they would rather have something fake, LIE to hide it, then just let me pleasure them or visa versa. I'm not a pride anything goes behind closed doors, I used to even watch porn with him, but he carried on his affair with it, leaving me in the dust, lying the while way. Look on Amazon.com for a book called "The porn tap". Contact you're local sex addicts anon. Thee lady up here is very helpful. Stay in the relationship, cuz 33 years with your souate is some. But work on yourself, (I know I crnged when they told me this too, he's the one with the problem, it just snow ball effects or way, right? Wrong) we an realize that it IS THEIR problem. Move on in our head. Then decide in 6 month -year of we want to at that point take them with us, because we deserve someone who is man enough and has courage enough to square his shoulders be a big boy and treat us with the respect any & every partner deserve. You don't need leave him physically but leave him mentally, they way they leave us every time they lie, and make ourselves remember why they loved its in the first place. My email is ***@**** if you get this, I would love to have a partner in my journey, cuz sooo far to silent suffering for me hurts as well.
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Nothing has changed.  He still lies.  Well I guess you can say he still does.  If and that is a big IF I ask he lies.  He does not give info on his own.  I am numb.  Don't care anymore.  He can look and get horny then go jerk off.  I am done.  He has defeated me.  I love him.  And I always will.  Like you said he is my soul mate.  But that does not mean I have to give sex.  He told me the last time that is not why he is with me.  And if we never have sex again he will be here.  So that is what is happening now.  No sex.  And he is still looking as of last night.  And the bad thing is he does it with me sitting right here.  Now if I could catch him at that moment I would say something.  But I don't see it.   As far as me.  I don't care.  I try and I try, we go to t he gym 3 times a week and I don't eat much but am gaining weight.  I had lost about 8 pounds at one point then gained it back plus about 5 more.  I am done.  I don't care if I get as big as the house.  I can't do it anymore.  I just don't know why I gained it.  Anyway I know exactly how you are feeling but unfortunately have not advice for you.   My heart is crushed.  Every time I see him look at another woman.  A young, skinny, skinny, sexy woman that is it was like he was stabbing me in the heart.  I really don't think it could hurt anymore if he did actually cheat on me.  Because when he searches for these women it feels like he is cheating.  And then he tops it off with the lie.  It is hard to say what I feel.  I guess because I can't feel anymore.  I am just done.  Sorry I could not help.    Just to let you know I can't see your email.  But you can message me personally here if you want to chat.  I don't think I can help you but talking to someone seems to help a bit.  
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hi, here is my story. I am in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend. We started dating almost a year ago. But before dating her, I secretly dated one of her friends for a few months, and this ended a few months before I started dating my long distance GF. After dating my gf for about a month and a half, I had to go abroad. Then, after 3 months abroad, I came back for 3 weeks. We had a wonderful time. But during this visit, I also behaved badly. I got drunk a few times, disrespected her, and while drunk I kissed one of my friends. After leaving, I told her I had dated her friend. She was very angry but forgave me after a while. Then three months later, I went to visit her again. Things didn't go too well. After I left, she wanted to break up, and I told her about the friend I kissed. Again, she forgave me. And a few days ago, I told her that I had left some secrets, namely that I was still intimate once with her friend one month before we started getting together, and that I had dated her friend while being in a relationship with another girl. The problem is that after the first two times I confessed, I promised her there was no more lies. So now, she has no way of trusting me. I also want to say that it's true I used to be a monster, because of everything I did and hid from her. But being with her has changed me, and that's why I told her about my lies progressively, because I couldn't bear this burden and lie to her. However I have a problem. Now I am a better person, I have no more lies, I don't look at other girls, and I tell her everything. But she won't trust me again. I wish I could show her I am honest this time, for good, that there are no more lies. And how can I show her I'm not a cheater anymore. She says she doesn't want a future with me, and I can't imagine mine without her. Please I am madly in love with her, and can't live without her. And I need to prove her now, from a distance and immediately that I have changed, because I feel I am losing her. If you have any way of me proving her I'm honest and a good person, or making things better, please help me. I desperately need help.
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I'm really glad I found this board. My husband is a truck driver so he can sometimes be gone for a week or more at a time. Well this last time he was gone for four days  and he brought a computer with him. This morning he takes it out and I want to use it but wouldn't give it to me, so I jokingly said, oh what have you been looking at porn. He said no. So later I get to use the computer- he thinks he has deleted all of his evidence but yet I found some. I'm very hurt by him, im 25 years old, not bad looking and I work out 6 days a week. We have a 2yr old together and I have plenty of sex with him. Its the lying that really gets me mad, and he says things like -oh I've really missed you, I couldn't stop thinking about you. Well I feel like oh its the  other women you have been thinking about not me.  This isn't the first time I've caught him, I ask why do  you do this, he says I don't know. I would watch porn if he wants to do that, but his sneaking behind my back is making me really question myself. Am I ugly, and I fat, what's wrong with me? I have been with him since I was 16 years old. I'm to the point where enough is enough. Then when he does get a chance  to be home, all the quality time is wasted fighting and auguring about stupid stuff like this. I have no one to talk to about this, my family would just judge me and gossip. I feel like he doesn't take me seriously when I tell him how it makes me feel . I asked him to leave today, and he did but I know he will be back later. I sometimes wish i could feel what its like  to be appreciated again.
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I  had this same thing happen to me resently  and I  am asking the same questions I  also was looked in my eyes  and led to more then once and I  understand the pain I  hate porn especially when in a relationship I  feel like I've been living a lie as well  I'm glad to see I'm not the only one out there feeling this pain.
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Enough. To all the ladies who can relate - Lies and deceit hurt more than the porn, but NEVER down-play the porn! Read some books. "Co-dependent no more" and "Your sexually addicted Spouse."  "Love you hate the porn" is a great read together. "The drug of the new millennium" explains all the science behind why pornography is harmful.  (And nude pixs of women IS porn, not just watching sex). Porn IS bad and too many people are addicted to it.  It destroys the frontal lobe of the brain and creates a dependency from the dopamine rush, and numbs all real emotion and kills empathy. the use of porn re-wires the brain and destroys the way intimacy was designed to be, it is NOT you going crazy. Most women are horribly co-dependent and don't even know it.  Read about it and learn for yourself, you will find few legit answers here. These are not my feelings, these are facts based on scientific studies. Good luck, and know that you are not alone.
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The reason these men are lying are because they know they are wrong to be obsessed with porn , on so many levels. I'm sure their pride has taken a hit having to buy sex, in whatever form, as well as the fact that these young girls that are selling themselves are living pathetic lives themselves. Porn is not victimless.  If any of you go to church, maybe talk to the pastor and see if your spouses will attend with you. I agree that any books on the subject should be read. Leave them all over the house, and maybe the pure sense of it will speak out to them. Personally, I would have a stack on m bedside table.  I left my first husband of 7 years, the second time he decided that it was his business that he engage in going to strip clubs while being married to me. I really feel for all of you and pray that you not let this sick obsession define you. We are meant to age, and with age comes beauty. Please always see this aging beauty in yourselves.  You are beautiful, caring, intelligent women, all of you. .  I will pray for more peace in your lives ~ God bless you all.
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Thnk you for starting this thread. I have and the same thing happen to me recently. My partner of 16 years was off work with an injury and when I used his tablet to check an email I stumbled across the history which was all porn. And it wasn't just sweet girls nude like Playboy in my youth. It was disgusting hard core violations of the femal soul. I was so upset. It's two weeks now and I still feel very sad and lonely. In fact I don't think I'll ever get over it because he's lied about it for so long. Now he's told me he's been hooked on porn since he was 15! Our sex life has always been a problem. He never wants it and now I know why, he's too busy masturbating over fantasy. I can deal with the fact all people masturbate, when I was young I was anti porn but then had a boyfriend show was open about it so I experimented with him although I decided it wasn't for me and we split up. He was the type who thought it was ok for him to look at women but when I had a women's mag with a male centerfold (no erection) he got very angry and verbally abused me. So I'm not a total prude and I knew there was porn on the net but the stuff my partner was looking at was called for example '18 & abused'. This really upset me becuase I work with teens and I felt concerned about how exploited they can be when they're too young to know how it may affect them in the future. Then he was looking at super smutty stuff like gang bangs and oral, well we all know what it's about! Over the years when I'd tried to talk about our sex life and asked if he was into porn (I mean I adds to suspect something wasn't right) he always said he didn't like it and wasn't interested. So I've lived wiht 16 years of deceit. I have caught him lying to me several times I've the years on other matters and I've been upset but worked through it with him promising not to lie again. But this is really affecting me. I hope any women reading this think twice before becoming a porn model becuase it destroys families. I'm very concerned too that young people can access this so easily and it seems it was the main thing on the internet that men want. I'm even thinking of getting our access cancelled to protect my family. Even though I use it for work etc. To be honest I think there's no excuse for this. If a man wants a loving woman in his life then he needs to be true to her. If they do want to share erotica then it should be together to enhance their love life. I'm not overweight, I have a good figure, I'm playful in bed, like to experiment and would give him pretty much anything he wanted as long as its not painful or degrading. I see sex as an adventure for couples to explore together, not with any old random tart online. But now I'm basically emotionally ruined by this and I don't see how I can ever get better. I know if I leave him about 75% of men admit to viewing porn online so I will probably opt to be alone as I don't want to be part of that. I'm even thinking of writing about how porn affects women and their self esteem. I hate the fact it's other women appearing in it too. If women ever do want equality and power then they ahve to stick together on this. But there's always some poverty stricken girls who will do it for the money. I would like to see it all taken off the Internet still. What about the children who grow up seeing this and thinking its normal. Like men with dicks the size of coke cans! No wonder so many people have body image issues! I'm still workig thorugh this and reading the comments has helped because at least I know I'm not alone but I can't talk to anyone about it becue it's so embarrassing and shameful. If you're a man reading this please consider what matters most to you before you start accessing these sites. Is it worth it to break your wife's heart and even destroy your relationship with her? If your a women reading it don't tolerate it in your home. Women need to unite against this as its like a disease on the human race.
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WorriedWife81, my candid comments below;

All men that I have met are liars, that doesn't mean I hate them and it sure as hell doesn't mean I accept it either.  

It means that I trust myself, rather than place my trust in them.

They can't work out why they lie.  They will promise never to do it again. They are only truly sorry and willing to change after you leave them.  Sad but true.  Even then, they may only promise to change and may not actually be capable of it.

Hard cold facts.  This forum is (respectfully) full of co-dependent women as a previous post suggested.

WorriedWife81 started this post and was told by very wise women to get over and let it go and get yourself into therapy.  Pfft, sorry, my perspective on that is that you can't hear her say how hurt she is, or if you can, you aren't really listening.

WorriedWife81, what you are not hearing from the wise and sensitive women (although they mean well) is; yes, he hurt you. He is a lying low-life that gives no thoughts for your feelings and treats you like a doormat.  He is a terrible person for lying to you and you should feel hurt by the lies, and the pictures, but most of all, that he doesn't treat you like the beautiful wife, mother, grandmother and woman that you are.  However, we know he lies and hurts you,  but now you are hurting yourself too - for staying in that environment.  You must take responsibility for that.    Go home to your family and friends.  He will want you more than any of the women that he is looking at if you are not there.  It's usually as simple as that.  

Men hear 7 of every 100 words that you speak but they see 100% of the action you take.

Also, for what it's worth; men prefer to look at women they don't know, and the ones that say they don't are usually in the honeymoon period or just lying so that you won't explode or react in some other poor way.  LOL, yep, men are cowards too - in that they don't have the guts to be themselves.  If they did, they wouldn't need to tell lies about what they do.

So why do we let them hang around or why do we hang around with them?  That is the real question here.

I am battling this one for myself and at the end of the day, I think it's a matter of fear of change. Most people fear change including me.  We tend to stay around what is known, even if it becomes uncomfortable or dissatisfying.

When did love become something to be endured rather than celebrated?

I know what I have to do, but I struggle with the courage to do it.  It means the crumbling of our paradise - the home, memories, experiences, belongings, good times and company that was shared will crumble.  I am strong and will survive it - the issue for me is that I love everything else about our life.  So, I need to weigh it up.  Mine is not a once off liar - with him it is ingrained.  It is a repeat behaviour that will re-occur, despite my efforts at changing my own paradigms and encouraging alternate behaviours.  

I am currently going down the track of gradual separation.  I figure that if the definition of insane is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome, that I have to do something differently.  I am also trying to turn a blind eye.  I don't look at his phone or his emails etc (never have - he has a righto to privacy) - but now I am separating our finances as well.  In other words, he is aware that we are separating, but that it will be a gradual process.  I wander if this will be an incentive for him to change his own behaviours - because I know I can't change him.  If this doesn't work, it will be a full scale separation with a divorce to follow.  My broken heart will mend and I won't look back and see countless years of misery.

On the other hand it might work - and wouldn't that be fabulous!  Either way, I will have a life of mostly peace and happiness - that is my goal with or without him alongside of me.  That is what I have learned about valuing myself through endless reading and learning.

WorriedWife81, you are not alone.  I hope sharing this with you empowers you to think of solutions and strategies to get to the life that you want rather than focus on being hurt (it really will drive you into a deeper depression and I know you couldn't possibly want that for yourself).  You will live the life you give yourself.  My thoughts and prayers are that you will step up to this challenge.

It's also been very therapeutic for me to write and thanks for reading.  :-) xox







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See comments below & hope you are doing well :-)
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This post is 2 years old and worriedwife isn't here anymore.  I disagree with your respectful (?) comment that the women on this forum are codependent.  Much good advice was given on this thread and probably by folks that are in happy relationships.  I've made my marriage work long term as many here have and they have much to offer to those who aren't able to.  if you have a question about your own  failing relationship, we are happy to help.  good luck
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Well said SM!

I think many of us have our own history which we bring to the table, and share with others who are struggling.  There is definite anger screaming out of some of the posts here (supernova, from yours especially), and that's something that needs addressed.  Anger is an emotion that doesn't exist alone, there is always a driving force behind it, usually fear, uncertainty, anxiety.

I have found that I'm a much better person when I look at my OWN problems and the things that are wrong on MY end.  I can't expect change from my partner without doing some work on me first.  My hubby is far from perfect, but MY issues create a bigger problem in our relationship than his do.

I read back at my post and it made me cry.  I JUST this week started back on an AD because as I wrote, I had checked out of life and my marriage in a lot of ways.  I've been working hard to fix that part of myself.  God love my husband, he's supportive of me no matter what, no matter how much he doesn't get out of our relationship what he should most days.

Relationship issues are VERY seldom just one sided.  They require an openness and willingness on both ends.  I would use a lot of adjectives to describe the women in this forum, but "co-dependent" wouldn't be on that list.
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I am still here.  Just been busy sewing to keep my mind off of everything.
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Oh, hadn't seen you in a long time!  This post is two years old.  How are things now?
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Thanks for your response - the post was intended for Worried Wife.

I am not angry - It surprises me that you perceive a woman taking action as being angry.  I have accepted that my husband lies and I am acting upon it.  Surely that is better than putting up with it as so many of the women on this site are doing?  

As I said in my earlier post, I can't change his behaviours, but he can.  History has seen me try many, many different approaches including forgiveness, analysis, empathy, turning a blind eye and so on.  He has broken our vows by being dishonest.  I was serious when we made those carefully considered vows.  

I agreed with a previous post about the women in this forum being co-dependent.  I said this respectfully, because I too was that co-dependent woman in a previous long term relationship.  It's amazing how much you can learn and grow between relationships!  I researched co-dependency at length and identified myself as a co-dependent during that period.  It is not a an insult so much as it is an opportunity to learn and grow.  Perhaps I should have been more clear about that.   However I concede that you are right, I don't know these women and shouldn't be so stereotypical - my apologies if this comment was found to be offensive.

I am an active self-developer and have been since age 12 - of course I look to my own behaviours first.  I am an emotionally intelligent human being and am sorry that you would see assertion as anger or aggression.

The intention of my post to WorriedWife was to tell her that she is an incredible woman who deserves so much more than what is being dished up and that she is entitled to be hurt by it.  Furthermore, I hope to contribute to empowering her to take responsibility for her feelings and make a better life for herself.  

An alternative viewpoint if you like, from a woman who considers herself strong with a healthy self-esteem and an appetite for a happy life, with or without a partner :-)
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I understand that sometimes when we are going through a transitional period as you describe in their life they speak loudly to help convince themselves that all is fine.  Good luck to you on the next chapter of your life.  

Women come here and vent how they are feeling at that moment regarding their relationship.  This doesn't make them weak.  If they are committed, they are looking for advice e to turn things around to stay with their partner.  This doesn't make them weak.  It doesn't mean they have low self esteem.  It means their relationship has problems and their partner isn't perfect.  

At some point, through their efforts, counseling, seeing the light, what have you---  it may pay off and their relationship could improve or heal.  Or maybe it won't and they will make their own choice about staying and going and when would be the right time to exit.  Just as you did.  

So we can empower someone in a positive way without stepping on others who are in the process.  

No one should need a partner and to that I agree.  However, being understanding that women are in different stages of being able to be free in a multitude of ways.  Financial independence to someone who has not been working, for example.  This is why I encourage all young people who come here to continue their education either by going to college or doing job training.  While I'm currently a stay at home mom, I'm educated and have had a successful career I can go back to.  Not being able to support myself would never be a reason I had to stay in a bad marriage.  But for some, that's not the case and they must figure out a plan to realistically live especially if they have children.  

Again, I now see that plumping up your own feathers is part of your transitional stage you are in.  We often scream to the rooftops about "we are woman, hear us roar" when in that stage of life.  I'm sure you didn't mean to put down all the women who bravely told their own stories in this thread.
PS:  an active self developer since 12?  Wow.

good luck dear and to all women trying to figure it out.  
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I just want to say Thanks to ALL the brave women who have offered help to me in this situation.  I won't address anyone individually because of it getting a little heated.  That was not my intent.  I needed someone to talk to.  And I have taken every ones thoughts to heart.  I did not comment to some and not because I did not want to.  But because I don't have any advice.  I am still struggling with this.  So how can I help someone else.  All I can do is tell you where I am today.  So that is what I am going to do.
  
I am still unhappy.  Don't think I will ever be happy again till I am back home.  I did not go find a therapist because I don't know why.  My husband tells me every day several times a day he loves me.  Sometimes I believe him sometimes I don't.  He still lies.  Just had a conversation last night about one.  And just to let you all know it got no where.  All he does is try to blame it on others or turn it on me.  As far as him looking at other women.  I don't care anymore.  My heart is broken and don't feel the hurt anymore so I told him he can look all he wants.  I don't care.  But what does still hurt is the deceit.  I can't take that.  I have seen him hurrying to close a page on his computer when I walk into the room several times.  Never said anything.  Then last week I got up to go stir supper.  He was looking at something on his phone (this is a work phone) when I got up he hurried and turned it over.  Then when I came back he did the same.  Every time I got up to stir the food he did this.  So what do I think he is doing.  Looking at nasty stuff or talking with someone.  So last night that is what I asked.  Well he did not answer me.  Just said he was not chatting with anyone.  After we went to bed about 15 minutes later he ask me if I want to know and I said No, not if you don't want to tell me.   Well he said it was a site a coworker sent him that has stories from people like they have in playboy.  OK and he did not want to hurt me so he turned his phone over.  Well if that was true there is no way I could read that from where I was.  Anyway.  So I ask about the computer.  He don't say anything for about 5 minutes.  Then his answer was.  He looks at exercise sites.  And sometimes there are girls dressed in skimpy outfits and he did not want me to think he was looking at them.  OK.  Well I was hurt and not believing anything he was saying so I said nothing.  I should have asked why it took so long to answer.  Well I know why.  He had to think up a reason.  I know he still looks.  I know he still lies.  But I love him.  And most of the time I know he loves me.  He says I am the only one and have always have been.  But don't know if I believe that. So to sum it all up.  I am still here, unhappy most of the time.  I have found a new time consuming hobby in sewing and quilting.  I am happy when doing that.  Here I will stay.  I am too old to start over.  One said above about staying because of not being able to support yourself.  Well that is me.  My husband makes a good living.  I could Never make a quarter of what he does.  I am 50 years old and it would be hard to find a job that I could even survive on.  Now I am not saying that is why I stay.  But I do think it is part.  I stay because I do love  him.  I have been with him longer than I have not.  I am not willing to throw it all away.  If I find he has been cheating on me I am gone.  I am not sure it will hurt if I do find that out.  But that would be the straw that broke the camel's back.  And he is not abusive.  He treats me good.  If I want to do something he will do it with me.  If I want something he will get it for me or say go get it or go help me get it.  He just don't romance me anymore.  So I guess we are more like room mates with benefits than a married couple. But for now I am ok with it.  But I do want to say to all the beautiful women who asked me for help.  THIS IS WHAT I CHOOSE.  I am not saying it is what YOU should choose.  YOU need to do what is best for YOU.  Read all the advice and decide for yourself what is best.  That is the best advice I can give.   I do come back here and reread it all.  It helps me sometimes to get over a hurt.  It helps to know I am not alone.  God Bless you all.  Thanks for all the thoughts.  They really do help make me think.  And you all touch my heart.    
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Thanks for sharing WorriedWife.  I really do hope for the best for you!  As I said in my original post - you are a beautiful wife, mother, grandmother and woman and I hope someday, someone treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

My husband also does wonderful things for me, he says himself that he borders on an obsession with me...and I know it's true.  The problem is (and I have told him this), recurring lies undo the good memories for me.  Maybe with time and perspective, I will feel differently.

Best of luck with your choice and future choices and I am so glad you have found joy in sewing and quilting!  I hope that you understand that my intention was to show you an alternative point of view, and to know that I am in your corner.  If anything I have written has been thought provoking, then I am grateful that you have read my posts :-)  
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If I had asked for help or advice, I may have considered anything that you have written. Maybe someday I will.  I'm sure you do a lot of good work for people that are venting or in need of your advice ....maybe someone else reading through this forum will benefit from your advice and relating skills.
Thanks anyway :-)
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You really have a kind and gentle spirit about you and I admire that.  The world needs more of this.  I am here any time you need to talk and yes, it does feel good to not feel like we are the 'only one'.  Peace
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I thank you for your kind words.  I do understand you were trying to give me a different point of view.  There are so many different points of view here that it really does help.  I find peace in sewing.  Forget all the bad.  And I do know I am Blessed.  There are many out there who have it so much worse than I do.  
Best of Luck to you too.
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Thanks so much for the kind words.  I try to treat people as I want to be treated.  I try to see the good in everyone.  I try very hard to live my life as a good person.  I am not perfect and I do make mistakes.  But I do pride myself with the fact that I don't lie.  If the truth is not good enough then don't ask me, lol go ask someone else.  I appreciate the offer to talk to you and I may take you up on it.  
God Bless
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Hi.  Read a number of the prior posts but not all due to time constraints today but did want to share a few comments.

I too am one to despise lies and always have been that way as far back as I can recall.  Understand the need to have tact and to be kind and not cruel just in order to voice an opinion.  I also believe there are times to protect oneself and not disclose all info.

In a marriage or intimate relationship there is a commitment to be there for one another and holding back important facts or downright lying erodes trust and can ruin any relationship.  So I truly feel for you there.  Have experienced it enough to say that deception creates an unhealthy situation and must be treated or it will cause death, the relationship will end just as any fatal disease might have its way.

About the porn, when a man becomes obsessed and needs to fantasize in order to have sex, then it is no longer "making love" and the guy is an addict on a mission:  to make sure his needs/wants are met w/o consideration for his partner. For me this is totally unacceptable and would not be able to be with someone that far into it.  The only answer to the dilemna would be that the guy has to want to admit he has an addiction and get help.  

Thing about the way porn is out there now is that it's so vivid and the mind doesn't always know what is reality and so the fantasy becomes so real that that's all the guy wants. Basically becomes a pig groping for more, more, more.  He may love you on a certain level but physically his mind is damaged and he cannot be there for you in a way that's good for you

Early on you stated:  "I can't live without him.  He is what make my life worth living.  Without him, I am nothing."

This type of thinking is also not healthy.  Getting back to basics of you loving yourself and being strong as an independent person/woman is vital to you not latching on to someone for your self-worth.  Now is the time to start taking care of yourself.  Like a cattepillar being in a cacoon, you too can go through a time of revival and emege a beautiful butterfly.  Time to focus on being good with you firt and then you can in turn love others much better and make choices that benefit yourself and anyone else who is in your life.
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OK so when me and my husband first got married the last thing I thought was that he would look at porn and then I found it on his phone. I give him sex all the time in fact we have great sex. Then why would he want to look at porn? He did it when he was at work or before he got home. I just Dont know how to get over he was lieing to me. I told him please never do it again and I told him how I felt about it. Well later on I found it again. I don't understand and its making me go crazy and is bringing our relationship down. We are newly wedds. What do I do???
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I understand what you are saying.  But, I have lost all my will.  I have lost all my strength.  And I can't leave him.  My heart is destroyed so it does not matter anymore.  The only thing I look forward to is going back home to see my girls.  That is what keeps me going.  I have never had much self worth.  But that is another very long story.  I just never in my wildest dreams thought he would lie to me.  And that has destroyed me.  I have come to the conclusion that he can do what he wants and I will do what I want.  If that means we are like room mates instead of a married couple then so be it. And that is what I do.  I just can't open my heart anymore.  If I do then I will be completely lost.  So Thanks again.  God Bless
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I am so sorry you are going through this horrible time.  Please go back and read the early post.  There are some wonderful wise women here.  I can't help you.  I can't help myself.  I can only tell you that you need to think hard and long about this.  I did not know it was happening early in our marriage.  I guess if I had I would have left.  But look hard.  I am 32 years into this marriage and 3 years before of dating.  Think of how you feel right now.  Ask yourself if you are willing to feel like that for the rest of your life.  Then do what is best for you.  I can't say stay and I can't say leave.  It is your choice in the long run.  But please go read some of the advice that was given here for me.   Good Luck and God Bless  
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I just wanted to tell you that I witnessed the undoing of my parents marriage after 30 years. What I can tell you my father remarried to someone younger than me. My mom has no job and depends on him however, she never legally pursued alimony or compensation for all those years because she is weak. She went to a lawyer once where the lawyer told with the proof of infidelity she had and the fact that she dedicated 30 years as a dependent that she could get a portion of my Dad's pay for the rest of her life. My mom never followed up. She always came up with excuses and everyday she complains saying that my Dad did not send money and how miserable she is. I as her daughter am frustrated with her because she refuses to take action against him. She is passive and yet I tell her he will not change, he does not care he redid his life. In fact the divorce happened because he wanted to get married. I often asked my mom why she never got a divorce (he had cheated for 15 years). She always said oh because of you guys, he had to maintain us and depend on him, blah blah. What I can say my Dad was going to pay for us anyways he never stopped being a father he was always there. However, my mom never stood up for herself. She had two opportunities to redo her life and she didn't. I feel sad and miserable when I think of my mom because I see someone who doesn't want to help herself anymore. She doesn't want to pursue actions against my dad yet she complains when she doesn't get any money from him. My Dad is not reliable when it comes to making payments he lies A LOT. But yet she refuses. She spent 15 years attached to a lying and cheating man and she knew it. Me and my siblings were not happy during this time. As much as one tries to hide it, we still saw everything. Seeing my mom unhappy with the belief that she cannot redo her life because of her age and that she cannot legally go after my dad is frustrating and sad. I know 30 years is a long time, but it does not mean that life ends there. I would rather see my parents separated and happy rather than miserable just because they think they cannot re-do their life. Something to think about you deserve to be happy.
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Hi . I`ve been reading your story in your old posts, and I wanted to comment and say I understand what you have been going through.

I had only been married about 6 months when I discovered my husband had been very actively engaged in all kinds of porn forums, web sites, etc. I caught him and told him I won`t stay with someone who feels the need to indulge in that ...and of course, lie to me about it. He was all apologetic, but I know it was only because he got caught. I took control of his stupid computer.  Found his disgusting porn videos of a young Asian girl in a school girl uniform.  ( by the way, i find this particularly repulsive considering I have a 19 year old daughter who is really beautiful - so now I worry that he looks at her inappropriately)

Anyway, he was already on this ice and I caught him in another lie that he carried on for 2 months about a completely different subject. That was kind of like the straw that broke the camel`s back. I just lost my feelings for him because I hate lies. I simply won`t tolerate being disrespected and being lied to.

I told him I`d give therapy a try, but I got sick of wasting my money and time in a therapists office when she never really had anything helpful to say to help us rebuild our trust.

So..for now, I`m still giving the marriage a try, but it`s not looking good. I simply don`t feel like I love him anymore. He repulses me.

I think I`ll end up leaving before too long. I don`t trust him and a marriage without trust cannot be happy. I don`t hate him, but I just don`t feel like I love him anymore. He screwed up when he lied and betrayed me.

In any case, you know, it isn`t about how WE look or how much we weigh etc. Men try to to use this as an excuse when they very often don`t look good themselves. I never actually found my husband to be that physically attractive, but I over looked that because I thought his personality was great.  Now, I don`t like his personality or his looks.

Maybe I sound cold, but the thing is, he knows exactly how I feel because I have been honest. That`s how I live my life and that`s what I expect from people in my life.

I hope that you have found or will find happiness in your life. We all deserve happiness. Sometimes we have to make choices that are difficult but good for us in the long run. We`ll see where my situation goes, but one thing is for sure, I won`t stay in an unhappy relationship without trust.

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Thanks so much.  My husband knows and has always known how I feel about lies.  I am like you.  I am honest.  I always say if you don't want to hear the truth then don't ask me.  I have always told him I despise lies.  And I always thought we had a open relationship.  That we could talk about anything.  Well I was wrong there too.  I tell him everything and he tells me what he wants me to know.  If someone text me he has to know what they want or said.  But he don't tell me every text he gets.  I have even found out he text with family and NEVER told me.  He has to know where I am and what I am doing every minute of the day but don't tell me what he is doing.  Maybe I don't deserve happiness.  I don't really trust him.  It seems it is always in the back of my thoughts.  Especially if he tells me something.  My mind says yea, right.  Or if I see some skinny girl walking by my mind says I bet he likes that.  I am just done.  I am shut down emotionally in this relationship.  I am only happy when I am back home with my girls.  And we won't be able to move back till he retires.  In about 15 or so years I guess.  Then my grandbabies will be grown.  Oh well.  That is my life.  This is the road I am meant to be on I guess.  Thanks again.  Sorry for going on.  
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yeah..DONT LET THIS MAN GET BY WITH LYING TO YOU! first of all..if he does it once..guess what..HES GONNA DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN...you have already confronted him..and by doin so he is the one that gets all bent outta shape and upset..why? BECAUSE HES FRIGGIN GUILTY..THATS WHY..GUILTY ..GUILTY..GUILTY! AND HE KKOWS IT!.yes..u guys have been together for a long time..and yes in the beginning things were great..ok..its not the beginning anymore and the damn thing has just fizzled out!.once they start lying..there is no turning back..EXSPECIALLY when he already knows how you feel about lying in the first place..and it sounds to me that hes learned quite a bit of how to manipulate you into thinking hes gonna stop.HONEY..IF YOU BELIEVE THAT...THEN YES YOU MAY NEED TO..SEE THE THERAPIST! my advice to you and this is just my advice to you.....GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP...!!! ALL ITS GONNA DO IS CAUSE YOU GRIEF AND HARDSHIP..YOU CAN SAY ALL YOU WANT TO THAT UR WORKIN ON IT AND WORKING ON TRUSTING HIM AGAIN..ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN SISTA..IT WILL ALWAYS BE IN THE BACK OF UR MIND FOR THE REST OF UR LIFE AND YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE A SINGLE WORD HE SAYS TO YOU..E V E R!! SO PLEASE..FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...LEAVE THIS LYING..BETRAYING..MAKIN YOU FEEL WORTHLESS..*******..AND FIND SUMONE THAT ACTUALLY. WILL TREAT YOU RIGHT AND RESPECT YOU AND SUMONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL WANTED AND NOT JUST WHEN THEY SEE A. PICTURE OF SOMEOONE OR SUMTHN ELSE...THATS ********! DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW THIS..AND DEF KNOW HE KNOWS THIS..LET HIM HAVE THOSE PICS..GO FIND YOU THE REAL DEAL HONEY..DONT WASTE ANYMORE OF YOUR PRECIOUS TIME ON THIS JERK..ISNT 31 ENOUGH...IF IT HASNT GOTTEN BETTER IN THE LAST 4 HONEY..TRUST ME..IT AINT GONNA!!!  SO PICK YOURSELF UP..DRY THOSE TEARS AND START LIVING FOR.  Y O U!!!!  TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS!  PACK A BAG AND DRIVE 5 1/2 HOURS TO UR FRIENDS AND FAMILY..YOU NEED THEM RIGHT NOW..GO FIND YOU AGAIN..GO LIVE A LIL...LET HIM WONDER WHAT UR DOIN FOR AWHILE!..THAT JUST MIGHT CHANGE SUM THINGS..WHO KNOWS..BUT HONEY..IT AINT NUTHN BUT A DRIVE..THATS IT ...5 1/2HRS AINT NUTHN...THATS A TINY PRICE TO PAY FOR A WHOLE LOT OF SANITY!  YOU CAN SIT AROUND THERE WITH HIM AND LOOK AT HIM EVERYDAY AND JUST KEEP HURTING BECUZ YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN HE IS STILL LYING N LOOKIN..OR YOU CAN PACK UP SUM THINGS AND JUST GO...AND NOT GIVE HIM THE CHANCE TO MAKE. YOU FEEL LIKE **** ANYMORE..ALL DEPRESSED..SICK FEELIN..CRYIN ALL THE DAMN TIME...THE CHOICE IS URS HONEY...IF YOU DECIDE TO STAY..WELL THEN...THERES NO USE ASKIN SUMONE WHAT U SHUD DO TO FIX IT..CUZ ITS NOT GONNA MATTER WHAT ANY OF THE COMMENTS ON HERE SAY..BECUZ YOU ARE GOIN TO FEEL THE SAME NO MATTER WHAT...H U R T AND B E T R A Y E D! why? BCUZ IT WILL NEVER STOP...GOD willing it wont get worse..but IT WILL NEVER STOP..YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE HIM...AND YOU WILL JUST STRESS URSELF OUT AND FEEL LIKE HELL ALL THE TIME....IT AINT WORTH IT! YES I KNOW U LOVE HIM..YES I KNOW HES ALL YOU WANT AND FEELS LIKE HES THE ONLY ONE YOU CUD EVER B THAT IN LOVE WITH....BUT IF THIS KEEPS GOIN..AND. YOU KNOW IT WILL...ITS JUST GONNA END UP IN HATRED..THATS IT..JUST PURE HATRED...YOU WILL WAKE TO THIS MAN EVERY MORNING AND LOOK AT HIM AND WANT TO PUKE JUST FROM THE SIGHT OF HIM BECUZ OF HOW HE MAKES YOU FEEL FROM ALL THE LIES N ****..YOU WILL HATE HIM FOR ALL THAT HES DONE TO YOU..AND IT WILL STRESS YOU EVEN MORE..GOD HELP YOU THEN...GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN..DONT LET THIS MANIPULATIVE *** MAN CAUSE YOU ANYMORE. GRIEF...GO AND LIVE UR LIFE AND FIND SUMONE WHO IS TRUE..BELIEVE ME..YOULL KNOW ONCE YA DO...YOU SURE. WILL.....ya know why....BECAUSE..IVE BEEN THERE TOO MANY TIMES..and each time has made me stonger and stronger..and i know...I KNOW..I DNT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH A LIER..I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH A LIER..AND I WILL NEVER EVER AGAIN BE WITH ANYONE WHO WUD MAKE ME FEEL LESS THAN! OR NOT GOOD ENOUGH...THOSE MEN ARE A WASTE OF TIME..AND HONEY MY TIME IS TOO PRESCIOUS TO ME...YOURS SHUD BE TOO....GET OUT WHILE YA CAN...and once again..this is only my advice and opinion..take it or leave it..its really all up to you and how you wanna feel when u are with sumone or just when ur chillin by yourself...at least you will have ur dignity..
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yeah..DONT LET THIS MAN GET BY WITH LYING TO YOU! first of all..if he does it once..guess what..HES GONNA DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN...you have already confronted him..and by doin so he is the one that gets all bent outta shape and upset..why? BECAUSE HES FRIGGIN GUILTY..THATS WHY..GUILTY ..GUILTY..GUILTY! AND HE KKOWS IT!.yes..u guys have been together for a long time..and yes in the beginning things were great..ok..its not the beginning anymore and the damn thing has just fizzled out!.once they start lying..there is no turning back..EXSPECIALLY when he already knows how you feel about lying in the first place..and it sounds to me that hes learned quite a bit of how to manipulate you into thinking hes gonna stop.HONEY..IF YOU BELIEVE THAT...THEN YES YOU MAY NEED TO..SEE THE THERAPIST! my advice to you and this is just my advice to you.....GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP...!!! ALL ITS GONNA DO IS CAUSE YOU GRIEF AND HARDSHIP..YOU CAN SAY ALL YOU WANT TO THAT UR WORKIN ON IT AND WORKING ON TRUSTING HIM AGAIN..ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN SISTA..IT WILL ALWAYS BE IN THE BACK OF UR MIND FOR THE REST OF UR LIFE AND YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE A SINGLE WORD HE SAYS TO YOU..E V E R!! SO PLEASE..FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...LEAVE THIS LYING..BETRAYING..MAKIN YOU FEEL WORTHLESS..*******..AND FIND SUMONE THAT ACTUALLY. WILL TREAT YOU RIGHT AND RESPECT YOU AND SUMONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL WANTED AND NOT JUST WHEN THEY SEE A. PICTURE OF SOMEOONE OR SUMTHN ELSE...THATS ********! DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW THIS..AND DEF KNOW HE KNOWS THIS..LET HIM HAVE THOSE PICS..GO FIND YOU THE REAL DEAL HONEY..DONT WASTE ANYMORE OF YOUR PRECIOUS TIME ON THIS JERK..ISNT 31 ENOUGH...IF IT HASNT GOTTEN BETTER IN THE LAST 4 HONEY..TRUST ME..IT AINT GONNA!!!  SO PICK YOURSELF UP..DRY THOSE TEARS AND START LIVING FOR.  Y O U!!!!  TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS!  PACK A BAG AND DRIVE 5 1/2 HOURS TO UR FRIENDS AND FAMILY..YOU NEED THEM RIGHT NOW..GO FIND YOU AGAIN..GO LIVE A LIL...LET HIM WONDER WHAT UR DOIN FOR AWHILE!..THAT JUST MIGHT CHANGE SUM THINGS..WHO KNOWS..BUT HONEY..IT AINT NUTHN BUT A DRIVE..THATS IT ...5 1/2HRS AINT NUTHN...THATS A TINY PRICE TO PAY FOR A WHOLE LOT OF SANITY!  YOU CAN SIT AROUND THERE WITH HIM AND LOOK AT HIM EVERYDAY AND JUST KEEP HURTING BECUZ YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN HE IS STILL LYING N LOOKIN..OR YOU CAN PACK UP SUM THINGS AND JUST GO...AND NOT GIVE HIM THE CHANCE TO MAKE. YOU FEEL LIKE **** ANYMORE..ALL DEPRESSED..SICK FEELIN..CRYIN ALL THE DAMN TIME...THE CHOICE IS URS HONEY...IF YOU DECIDE TO STAY..WELL THEN...THERES NO USE ASKIN SUMONE WHAT U SHUD DO TO FIX IT..CUZ ITS NOT GONNA MATTER WHAT ANY OF THE COMMENTS ON HERE SAY..BECUZ YOU ARE GOIN TO FEEL THE SAME NO MATTER WHAT...H U R T AND B E T R A Y E D! why? BCUZ IT WILL NEVER STOP...GOD willing it wont get worse..but IT WILL NEVER STOP..YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE HIM...AND YOU WILL JUST STRESS URSELF OUT AND FEEL LIKE HELL ALL THE TIME....IT AINT WORTH IT! YES I KNOW U LOVE HIM..YES I KNOW HES ALL YOU WANT AND FEELS LIKE HES THE ONLY ONE YOU CUD EVER B THAT IN LOVE WITH....BUT IF THIS KEEPS GOIN..AND. YOU KNOW IT WILL...ITS JUST GONNA END UP IN HATRED..THATS IT..JUST PURE HATRED...YOU WILL WAKE TO THIS MAN EVERY MORNING AND LOOK AT HIM AND WANT TO PUKE JUST FROM THE SIGHT OF HIM BECUZ OF HOW HE MAKES YOU FEEL FROM ALL THE LIES N ****..YOU WILL HATE HIM FOR ALL THAT HES DONE TO YOU..AND IT WILL STRESS YOU EVEN MORE..GOD HELP YOU THEN...GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN..DONT LET THIS MANIPULATIVE *** MAN CAUSE YOU ANYMORE. GRIEF...GO AND LIVE UR LIFE AND FIND SUMONE WHO IS TRUE..BELIEVE ME..YOULL KNOW ONCE YA DO...YOU SURE. WILL.....ya know why....BECAUSE..IVE BEEN THERE TOO MANY TIMES..and each time has made me stonger and stronger..and i know...I KNOW..I DNT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH A LIER..I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH A LIER..AND I WILL NEVER EVER AGAIN BE WITH ANYONE WHO WUD MAKE ME FEEL LESS THAN! OR NOT GOOD ENOUGH...THOSE MEN ARE A WASTE OF TIME..AND HONEY MY TIME IS TOO PRESCIOUS TO ME...YOURS SHUD BE TOO....GET OUT WHILE YA CAN...and once again..this is only my advice and opinion..take it or leave it..its really all up to you and how you wanna feel when u are with sumone or just when ur chillin by yourself...at least you will have ur dignity..
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Avatar_m_tn
Lies break boundaries, they break the balance of our lives and give us an uneven keel on which to rest. You can only believe what you know unless you place your faith wholely in someone or something. From whence comes trust. Your faith in your husband has been shattered and you can put the pieces back together or not. But if you are the only one willing to do this and your partner doesn't acknowledge or support this the cracks will never heal. You either do it together or not all. Leaving it to fester will cause more problems and lead to a very unhappy life. This is what I need to do in my own relationship. Hope you find your way to being happy and have peace of mind.
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Hi there WW81 :-)  just checking in - there has been quite a few posts since we last chatted!
I am so disappointed for you that this is still going on :-(
I do feel the need to highlight what you have written though!  In amongst all the self destructive, negative accepting thoughts, there is one that is gold: " I am only happy when I am back home with my girls"  You deserve to be there NOW and see your grandbabies grow.  I hope you can make this happen - with or without your lying husband.  I'm not sure what has occurred in your life to make you feel as though you are not worth happiness,  because you are and you need to make that your new mantra - say it often enough to yourself and you will start to believe it.  Use it to counteract and replace those negative thoughts.  Reach out to your girls or a relative in the area and stay with them until you can get on your feet.  Oh, and if you haven't seen the movie Shirley Valentine, watch it for inspiration!  Also, try reading Louise Hay's "You can heal your life" for positive affirmations.    I think of you often and really would love to see you step up and make a better life for yourself.  So many people here to support and encourage you to do this!  You deserve it :-)  PS, next time you see your husband looking at inappropriate pictures, ask him a question about his mother :-P
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Thanks SuperNova74.  I guess it comes from my childhood.  I was never enough for my mother.  Always trying to make her love me like she loves my brother he is older.  She once told me she never wanted kids. But one was ok.  Well I am number 2.  What does that tell me?  Anyway.  Also told me she married my daddy to get out of her mother's house and she felt sorry for him.  How do you marry someone you don't really love?  And how do you tell your child those things?  So that was my childhood.  My wonderful daddy passed 11 years ago.  And I miss him so much.  He loved me.  And not like some will think.  I get my wanting to help other from him.  He would give his last shirt off his back to help someone.  But he worked a lot.  
I can't go back home right now.  And I can't let my girls know what a lier there dad is.  I can't break their hearts.  So I stay here for them.  Even though they are grown young women and 2 have children of their own.  I can't be the one to break up our family.  I have always had to be the mean one.  He worked offshore.  So he was not home a lot.  So when things came up mom had to fuss and punish.  I can't be the one to ruin our family.  So you see I am stuck.  My heart is crushed.  I don't think it will EVER heal.  I think it is done.  I don't feel anything anymore so it is all good.  
I am so sorry to disappoint you.  It seems that is what I do.  I am a disappointment to my mother because I did not do the things she wanted to do.  I am a disappointment to my daddy because I left his side and he died alone.  I am a disappointment to my girls because I had to be the mean one.  I am a disappointment to my husband because I am not skinny and sexy.  And I am a disappointment to myself because I can't handle it all.  I so appreciate all the support and encouragement.  I just can't do it.  
I am really tired.  My soul is tired.  I don't deserve it.  I really don't.  I have disappointed too many people to deserve to be happy.  And I love my girls so much that I can't put them through what I went through when my parents divorced.  I just can't.    
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There is no judgment here worried wife.  You are just doing the best you can.  Please know that you don't live your life to please others including strangers on the internet.  

To me, it sounds like you have tried really hard to understand yourself and I value that introspection.  This is your life and it is up to you how you live it.  

Peace and hugs
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Thanks so much.  It helps me to talk to someone.  Yes I am trying to do the best I can.  Yes it is my life.  I am just so broken.  I have no one to talk to.  And to be completely honest, I don't know if I would be able to talk to someone face to face about all this.  So I do appreciate all the advice.  I do try some and some I don't.  And right now I am not up to trying anything.  I am just so hurt and numb.  I am tired of being the only one who try's.  So we are legally husband and wife but more like room mates.  And that is ok with me.  I do what I want and he what he wants.  We don't talk.  And that is ok with me too.  Like I said.  I am done.  
Thanks again.  I really do appreciate your kind words.    
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People have their reasons for living the life they do and what one person is sure is right for them is not always the case for someone else.  Roommates is not a great relationship but if that provides you with security and you are surviving through it, it could be worse, right?  People will tell others to leave----  do it all the time myself.  But it is often much more complicated than that.  You will know when there is a time to leave and hey, miracles do happen and thing could get better.  You are on your own life's journey.  I wish you more happiness than you seem to have now dear.  I really do.  peace
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Just a suggestion, I am sure he still wants you and wants to make love to you, you turn him on. But maybe, just maybe the 'problem' could be that he's somewhat insecure when it comes to sex. Maybe he's just too shy to initiate it. Maybe he thinks he will make you feel like that's all he wants from you, and doesn't want you to feel 'used'.

I have the same issue with my husband, minus the porn thing, we have talked about this, and he has actually said to me the reason he doesn't initiate is because he's afraid that if he just 'takes control' i'll feel 'used'. Plus he is rather insecure when it comes to sex.

Talk to your husband. Don't back him into a corner tho. and don't just come at him out of the blue about it. Wait till your in bed, maybe after an intimate moment, and just casually tell him you would love it if he would initiate sex sometimes, that it would turn you on. You may have to try this several times. I had to with my husband.. lol (sometimes they just don't get it) but he will come around!

Hope it all works out!
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I don't think so.  It has been over 3 months now.  He don't even look at me.  When I change he hurries to go in another room.  Or he turns away.  And I don't think it was making love the past few years.  I think it was just sex.  He needed it because of looking.  And No he is not shy.  He knows I would not feel like that.  We had talked about it.  Or maybe he is feeling he IS using me to get pleasure from looking at what he really wants.  
I have talked to him.  All he does is get upset.  He says he loves me and I do believe he does. I am done with talking.  I am done with everything.  And there will never be another intimate time between us.  He has made me not want sex ever again.  He won't get it.  I have tried to talk about it too many times.  
Thanks for trying to help though.  But I am done.  I have no will left.  
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Ya know, just to throw this out there----  some men have low testosterone and have a very low libido because of it.  This is a medical problem and they may be unaware of it themselves.  Has he had a physical lately with any blood work?
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I know.  But he will not go see a doctor.  I don't think he has been to one in over 10 years.  I really can't remember the last time and it had to be for an accident not an illness.  He takes some over the counter testosterone capsules.  But he is not doing it for that reason.  He is doing it because he wants to get more muscles.  We go to the gym 3 days a week.  We used to go Mon - Friday for at least an hour to a hour and a half.  I put a stop to that.  I did not have time for anything.  And I was tired of eating supper after 8pm and spending all that money to keep our pool going and never getting in. So I told him I was not going on Tues and Thurs.  He could go but I was not.  Anyway, sorry I am rambling.  So it could be I don't know. I am to the point that I don't care.  I do have to say I have not heard a lie from him that I know of lately.  Of course we don't talk about his lies or his looking so he don't have to lie.  But I think it is too late.  He has hurt me too much.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi,
I have been in the same situation. And I too have a hard time deciding how to feel about this. We talked about the lies, we talked about how it hurts my feelings and how uncomfortable we both are now.
I understand what you are going through and feeling. I've lived through this for years. It is now out in the open. I have worked on me though. I was a mess, drained and exhausted and stressed out and completely lost. I decided to try and work on figuring out what I wanted for me, from life, aside from resolving the issue with my husband's lies. That is an important step: deciding you want to pull yourself back up and together. Decide that you are worth something, at least for you and most likely for others. you can give to others. Isn't that enough of a reason? I realized I had stopped living and growing as a person. I realize I was no longer strong and I needed to feel strong again, for me and maybe something would come out of it. Because what choices do we have? And I didn't want him to rob me of things I could do for me or the world around me.
So I focused on other things while trying to keep things together at home. I focused on friends, work, kids and health. I focused on my flaws or what I thought were my flaws and worked on accepting whatever it is I think is wrong with me because I'm human and I am not perfect. I focused on counting my blessings and tuning out the negative stuff because it was just suffocating. And while that may not last for too long, it gives you a break. And your mind starts to shift a little, and you can handle things a little better. Just don't shut the world out. Let yourself breath again. Put one foot in front of the other and go. Be who you want to be, little by little, especially if you are under the impression you are not who your husband wants you to be. First of, that may not be true, it is your perception, but regardless, you need to be true to yourself. You can't try to be what someone else want you to be, it'll be exhausting, unrealistic and you'd be lying to yourself, loosing yourself and that's the worst. You need to feel like you can just be you again. You need to trust that it's Ok to be you. I started thinking that if my husband wasn't OK with me physically, sexually, then maybe I had been with the wrong guy all along. And I started thinking, I gave him the opportunity to speak up many times, to ask me for what he might want different in our lives, with sex. If it isn't working out for the best, then he is responsible for this mess. And then I feel like it makes sense. I am who I can be. It's liberating.
I'm not saying I feel like I am with the wrong guy and therefore I will leave. I'm saying, I need to understand the situation and he might be the wrong guy in the sense that I would have wanted a man who owns up to what he does. And then I try and think that he is human and not perfect. I am not perfect. we've talked about this many times now. It was hard in the beginning and now he's realized I'm not letting this go. It's done too much damage. So he's listened a lot.
Now I am at the point where I have allowed myself to breath again, opened up to the world around me. And the rest will follow, one day at a time.
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I wanted to add that I can just read from your message how sad you are. And I understand the sadness in this terrible situation.
You feel defeated and broken. I wanted to say that ultimately my message to you is, regardless of how things will turn out for you and your husband, please try and preserve you. Preserve what's left of you and build it back up. Little by little. You cannot just let this break you. I am sure you matter to a lot of people out there. And you don't deserve to just curl up and want to disappear from the world. I've met women who were beaten by their husbands, or cheated on with women and I have done a lot of looking inside of me, my heart and my head. I am not not comparing at all. And I'm not saying I forgive him for lying to me. I'm saying I have learned from these women that there can be great sadness from terrible experiences.
And then I made friends with them. They showed me so much kindness in sharing their stories and emotions. And they have kept going with their lives. They experienced terrible things and so much pain and hurt. They have put one foot in front of the other somehow and it made me feel like maybe just maybe I could do this too.
Your husband is your husband. He is there, in your home and life isn't the same anymore. But you are broken and hurt. And you can start healing parts of you through talking to people opening up and being kind to yourself first of all. The guilt has to stop. There is a great deal of kindness in a lot of people out there. And it made me feel good and hopeful. I hope it can for you too.
Unfortunately, I can't say the same for life with my husband in my house. But that is not my focus. My focus is me, I deserve it since my husband was focusing on other things. So I'll do the focusing now.
I have given up on trying to understand the reasons for his porn use. I can't control it. But I have put my foot down and I have said it is not OK with me for what it does to my feelings and for the trust I had in him. Doing this is all you can do to clearly tell him your boundaries and that is respecting yourself. I was never vague about it because I didn't want him to think I was going to be OK with porn and the lying. I will not be OK with porn and lying. And like I said, I cannot control the lying anyway. But I have set my boundaries. As long as he lies, I've been clear and that is no longer my issue.
It does hurt to think that he can lie and I have no way of controlling. But I've decided there's no more time to waste trying to reason with a liar. How many times can we hurt ourselves over this?
I no longer feel right around my husband. I no longer feel attracted to him the way I used to. And that's ok, that's how I feel. He can understand or not. that is how I feel. I will not be told how to feel. I want to enjoy what it worth enjoying around me, out there. And I have told him exactly that.
I wanted to share with you what others have shared with me. I have met incredible people out there, with great courage and amazing resilience. You can feel this way or that way about your husband and your marriage. But you need to build yourself back up. it's good for you and it might even help your situation at home.
My husband has noticed I am different. And it intrigues him. Go figure.
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1247529_tn?1313499931
Thanks so much.  It is just hard.  I am so tired.  I just don't know if I have the energy.  I feel better some days.  I still wish to go home.  I miss my family.  Not saying it would be better if we were back home but at least I would have my kids and grand babies to keep me busy and keep it all off my mind.  I am so much happier when we are back home for a visit. But that is not happening either.  His job is here and here we stay till he retires in 20 years give or take a few.  So I just exist.  Right now I don't have the energy to try.  Maybe later I will.   I have no energy for anything right now.  I am just defeated.  
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I am SO moved by dollfr3 - Her story AND Her words to You.

I hope You read and read and reread Her advice as many times as it might take for You to gain some comfort from Her.

I'm sorry You've had such despair.

GoodLuck
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi worriedwife81,
Hope you are well and the smile has returned to your face.
This is an update for you ...It's done, we have agreed to separate for a period of 3 months so my husband can work out who he is and who he wants to be, and somehow align the two.  And I can get myself together and work out why I put up with his lying for so long.   This decision came after he kissed a stranger, pursued one of my best friends and continues to lie and manipulate.  Why would I be attracted to that? Why would I continually expose myself to that? During this time, I am determined that this will not be my focus.  I am setting about building a new life.  It won't be easy though, I am grieving my parents, I have debt, for the most part I work alone, from home, and I live reasonably remote to most of my friends and family.  To counter this, I plan to continue grieving my parents (this is not a choice, it just is!... and I miss them with great pride),  I will work my butt off to get out of debt,  and I will become more social. (On sites and in person, where hubby dearest is not present and cannot stalk me - like he did on this post!).   I have never been more determined about anything in my life.  I have so many questions that I can only answer for myself.  I am terrified but I know how to use this energy to strengthen myself.   I will always love him and parts of what we had....but I am not going to wait for him to change because I know it's not the right thing to do.  If it's meant to be, it will be.  If it's not, well....life is a precious gift and I will cherish it with everything that I am.  This will not change me and my attitude to living.  This is my valued life, and I might choose to share it with someone special, someday but for now, my priority is me and that is exciting - I am growing!  I am facing my fears and I feel truly proud of myself.  I hope that things are improving in your life too - whatever form that takes.    I read a sign recently that says "Life has no remote, get up and change it yourself".  Loved it.  Thinking of you always :-)
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Sorry for the delay.  I have been back home for the past 3 weeks on and off.  We went in the Thurs. before Good Friday.  And on Good Friday our lives were changed.  Our 2 future son-in-laws were in a terrible ATV accident.  Our oldest was banged up pretty bad and we are still waiting to see if he has damage to his neck and back.  Hospitals are so unreal.  Should get MRI results today.  Our youngest was flown by life flight to New Orleans to a trauma hospital.  He has head and face trauma.  He is doing great now.  But we all saw it happen and I would love to get that image out of my mind.  I helped my oldest son in law to be take the ATV off of the youngest.  And when I saw him I thought he was gone.  It is a image I would not wish on my worse enemy.  But we are doing ok.  Anyway.  Sorry for going on and on.  
I am feeling a little better.  The smile is not completely back but I am trying.  
I am so sorry you are going through all this.  I don't understand why men are such pigs.  I am so sorry to hear of your parents passing.  And I know all too well that hurt.  I lost my dad in 2003 and it still hurts.  My mother is not a very nice person most of the time so I just don't talk to her much.  
I am determined to make our marriage work.  I don't know if he is still looking or not and I really don't care.  We have not been intimate in over 6 months so I guess he don't really want me.  But he treats me good.  I just don't understand at all.  
When the accident happened I saw a more sensitive side of my husband.  I think in the 36 years that I have known him I have seen him upset enough to cry 2 or maybe 3 times.  Well in 2 weeks after the accident I saw him cry 3 times and heard him on the phone cry 1. So maybe he is coming around.  Maybe he will now see how much he is hurting me with his lies and porn.  I will just have to wait till my emotions are not so raw.  I just think about my guys and cry.  And to top it all off I have a furbaby that I will have to make the decision on Friday to end his hurt.  Too much at once.  
I am so happy that you are doing well.  And I keep you in my prayers.  Thanks for all your support and kind words.  I ready your post often.  God Bless you.  
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Hi There! So sorry to hear of all the trauma you guys have suffered and hope everyone is making a speedy recovery!  How is your eldest son in law?  I love the fact that you have seen this tender side of your hubby - It reminded me that although he has been cruel to you, he is not the worst human being on the planet.  That's the thing isn't it - people are so many things and it can be so confusing!  Mine also has good parts, but it is the cruelty to me that makes me stubborn on shifting my perspective.  
No good news on this front unfortunately!  In fact, worse than it was a month ago.  Apparently I am married to a pathological, narcissistic sociopath!  Turns out he has issues that I can't even begin to comprehend so it's a twelve month journey towards divorce :-(  It's a good thing, even though it is the hardest thing I will ever go through.  I know there is light at the end of this long dark tunnel.  I just wish I could fast forward to the light!.  I have been terrible and verging on undignified - however, after speaking to a good friend yesterday, I was reminded that what I am feeling and how I am acting is completely acceptable and that it is he who cannot accept that his actions have ramifications.  He has no sense of the word "responsibility".  My friend also told me that yes, of course it still feels like he is my soul mate but that he has made so many wrong choices and that life can still be good for me without my ex because I know how to give love openly and honestly and that only wisdom will remain when the heartache is gone.  I cannot tell you how much this voice of reason has helped me, is helping me.  Call it intuition but I think my ex is now involved with someone else.  It hurts but I have always said "Love knows no boundaries" so I have no choice but to accept it and move on.   Honestly, it's like living your worst nightmare but the flip side is, it's now peaceful at home - and there is a lot to be said about peace and tranquility. There is nothing worse than living with someone you love so deeply, and then finding out you you don't really know them at all.   It is hell on earth.   Where time was once an inconvenience for us, it is now my saviour.  Every day I am blessed to have time to focus on repairing myself and the things I want in life - God, good friends and family, a beautiful garden, lovely animals, study, work and a house that is a forever project.  I have enough :-)
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You two might want to private message each other as well.   I think that would be nice for the two of you to support each other as friends.  Then the forum can be used to answer questions or for those who need advice.  luck to you both.

PS:  if you need help navigating how to private message on the site, please ask.  It is the best way to have conversation between two members verses on a forum.  Let me know if you need help with that.  good luck
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Worried wife I'm in the same boat as you my husband looks at other women on bet and walking past in the flesh he looks at total opposite from me and I feel he doesn't fancy me anymore whenever I ask him he says of course he does and gets on the defensive he also lies about looking at other women on net and clears history which obviously makes me not trust him more so obviously he isn't very bright and in tune to how I feel. What I'm doing at the moment is learning to love myself and feel positive about myself I can't change him looking at others or lying cos he doesn't want to upset me or look like the dirty pervert he is. But I can change how I feel about myself, the more I love myself the more he will realise if he lets me go I will be soon snapped up again and he won't get a second chance, the best revenge (kind of) is to show him the best side of you and show him what he's missing out on
Hope this helps Hun
KJ
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This is a super old post.  Feel free to start your own thread regarding your situation.  good luck
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I am not sure I am supposed to reply to you because of this post being so old.  But I did not want you to think I do not appreciate your response.  So if I am breaking the rules I am sorry.....
Kymmy44, Thanks so much.  I am trying.  But it is so very hard.  I have in my mind that if I get to looking like the girls he gawks at then he wins and never did want me.  I never looked like them.  And WHY should I.  I just don't understand.  I am not unhealthy.  And that is what counts to me.  I am 50 years old.  Have a little belly and gravity is not my friend.  But I am not obese at all.  I go to the gym 3 days a week and use my elliptical at the house most mornings.  And also swim 2 or 3 days a week in the warm weather.  And where I live it is warm a lot.  So I don't know what else to do to loose the few pounds I need to.  And right now I don't care.  This is me.  And if this is not what he wants then he can leave.  That is just how I feel.  I won't try to change for him when he is not willing to change for me.  
Again.  Thanks to all the wonderful ladies on this site who have helped me.  I still come and reread your suggestions.  And Thanks Kymmy44.  I am trying.
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Hi,

I read every single of your guys' comments. I am currently having issues of my own with my husband of only 5 months. We met in medical school - started dating first day we saw each other - something clicked. Dated for 2 years, and then he proposed to me, and shortly after we got married.  Turns out, he put up a facade of who he really was. I didnt really have much of a past to begin with (dating around, or hooking up) - and whatever that i had in the past was open and honest. He continuously lied about everything. from messages of girls he's hooked up with in the past, to having intentions of being with someone else while being with me..to looking up thousands (literally!) of photographs of girls on websites. I have sat down, talked to him about everything calmly, even told him that honesty is something that i value and without it there is nothing. I have no trust in him. He lies to my face about checking women out. I have no problem with porn, or if he looks at women, but i do have a problem with people who distort the truth or tell half lies.  He said he's going to work on things, its been forever it seems.. every day is a battle.

To top it off, he uses excuses to back up his actions after he gets caught. I don't get it? I'm not going to judge a person for being upfront and blunt about their doings. I know i say things the way they are. I can't lie. Why would i want to ..to someone i chose to marry. That person should be my vault.. someone i can tell anything and everything to.. There are no divorces in my family - none. My grandparents, great grand parents... parents, cousins, uncles, aunts.. all happily married.

My grandfather told me one thing when i got married and he said.. HONESTY is everything. Its the basis of a strong foundation. I think i will be the first in the family to get divorced if things keep going on like this...


Im tired of it all. :( ..
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I'm very sorry for your difficulties.  You'll get some much needed support and some answers from our fine people here on the forum if you post your own question.  When you tag your own story onto the end of a long, older post . . .   it gets lost.  You can ask your own question by going to the top of this page and hitting 'ask a question."  Thanks and we are here for you
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Hi there, My fiance of 1 1/2 years just found out that i have been lying to her face about not masturbating ad watching porn. and she has lost her trust in me for everything else. I hope i'm not too late for this message to you as this is an old message thread

Firstly, your husband of 33 years probably lied for the same reason as me. He does not want to tarnish the most important truth which is that he loves you and none of the woman he sees in porn will every live up to you...

Secondly, masturbation and porn is addictive to a lot of men, So ladies who are looking for a perfect man that does not masturbate, Good luck. Chances are the best of men that treat and pamper their better half has a dark side... most of them masturbate.

Thirdly, Addiction to masturbation is a difficult thing to quit. I have been masturbating since about 14 years old and I'm 28 now.. As I got older, I felt more ashamed and I have been trying to stop especially when im in a relationship. I feel remorseful every time I slip and do it again. Its not easy to begin with and if you keep nagging your husband about it, it would be impossible. Instead help him quit, maybe mark a calender and let him cross out each day he doesn't do it. Thats what im planning to do at least.

Now my fiance thinks that Im lying about other things to her and hiding things from her. Besides hiding my mom's insulting comments and my masturbation addiction, the last thing I want to do is lie if it is not to protect her.

I lie because my fiance deserves better.and i will get closer to quitting this addiction so that I will be better. Not because I am intentionally hiding things from her.

Hope this helps

Warm Regards,
A man with an aching heart
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Well doggieinlove.  Let me give you a small work of advice from a woman who is broken because of the lie.  DO NOT LIE!!!!!!  Of course she does not trust you.  You have lied to her face.  If she would lie to you over and over would you trust her?  Think about this.  For me, I don't know if he is masturbating and I really don't care. The part I care about is the LIE.  The looking at pictures of naked women is not as bad either.  The looking at young, skinny, sexy girls right in front of me IS a problem.  Hurts me so bad.  I thought my husband and I had a relationship where we could talk about anything for the first 27 or so years.  Where we told each other everything.  We had a Honest relationship.  Well, we did kind of.  I could talk to him till he started getting upset if I said anything about my feelings.  And I had to tell him everything but he hid lots.  And I was honest about everything but he lied.  And straight to my face.  HOW am I supposed to trust him now?  So you see.  HOW is she supposed to trust you?  I can't say it will change.  I don't know.  After knowing this for about 5 years now I still don't trust him.  But that is because he don't try.  So TRY hard to earn back her trust if you really love her and want to be with her.  That is all I can say.  Don't take her for granted.  Don't take her youth just so YOU can be happy.  She has to be happy also.  
Thanks for telling me your story.  It helps a little.  But I think I am too far gone to help.  You are not.  Just be 'HONEST" with your fiance.  I don't understand being dishonest with the one you love.  
God Bless,
A woman with a crushed heart (don't let it get this far)
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Thank you for your honest response. Its been a rough patch but I believe we've got through it.

I just wanted to add that the main reason I hid the masturbation  secret from my fiance before was because I was afraid of losing her. For my fiance, both lying and masturbation were deal breakers. Fortunately, she and I has been through enough for her to know I didn't mean her any harm.

Wherever state you are in now with your relationship, I wish you all the best and I'll pray for you.

Warm Regards,
doggie still in love :)
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I am so happy that your relationship was saved.  And I pray you NEVER find the need to lie to her again.  Sorry if I was too rough.  I just don't understand lying.
I also pray y'all have a long and happy life together.  
Thanks for the prayers.  

God Bless  
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Hi , while on google I came across this, And I am currently in a very similar situation you were in having a husband lie, except my husband and I have only been together for almost 8 years, 6 years ago I caught him texting with another women and at the time I had just given birth to our son, I was completely devastated, but I got passed it and I thought out relationship was great, well just recently while on his email I found that he had profiles for websites for people looking to cheat on their spouse and but not just one , several, My heart broke instantly , I feel awful, as soon as I am alone all I do is cry. I confronted him and at first of course he lied and said it's just junk but I did more looking and it's not , Now he sais he did do it but never met anyone or did anything , wich I want to find true but I'm not sure what to believe anymore. I'm trying so hard to move forward but I can't let it go. Doese the trust ever come back ?
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