How can i live with my partner who wants to split up?

[rt555]

My wife has said she wants to split up, but then says she "Doesn't know", it's killing me! We have 2 kids and are still living together and have started to see a councilor, Se feels i have hert her too much during the relationship and now she feels better.
I find every minute of every day painful, being around her makes it worse.
She doesn't want me to move out as we don't have much money and she doesn't have a job, I am finding it extremely difficult to hide my hurt, we are speaking honestly but then when i seem down in front of the kids she says that she needs to see "change" before she'll consider getting back together. Does she want to see me not caring or feeling hurt?
I feel lost, i have lost the woman i'm in love with but also have to pretend i'm not in love to win her back.
I spend most of my time feeling like a dog waiting for someone to drop a scrap from the table.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[jo929]

sorry i came down so hard i was having a bad hair day as they say  i wish you luck but it seems you both are going to have to work together you both loved each other once try againthe children need both of you   luck  jo

[Natta1980]

Just a thought - you are saying your are the oldest child of a single alcoholic mother. You are used to accomodating self-sentered, moody, and impulsive individual in your life.

You may want to look into a support group for adult children of alcoholics, or co-dependency......

Good luck by all means:)

[Myown]

I wish you the best rt. I was glad to read that you guys are going to work things out. Sometimes things such as this can actually bring a couple closer together. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing. And it was nice to read that you love your wife and you did not want your marriage to end. And the good news is, it looks like she doesn't want it to end either.
Putting the past behind you both will give you both a new start and I have a feeling your wife will start appreciating you more.

Good luck,
MO

[teko]

As long as your not sleeping on the couch? Settle for nothing less....

[RockRose]

Good luck,  rt.  It sounds like you're on the right track.

[jo929]

yor wife needs to go to work and just share part of the finacial burden and see how that goes over i had 3 kids and had to work and i did not whine about it quit your whining and tell her to go to work and see how it feels stand up and be a man tell her you are tired of her wishy washy ways tell her to be a mom and share in the burdens and that you are tired of her complaining after she gets off work she can fix the meals and do the washing and cleaning just like i did she can either like it or lump it you do not need a counsler just common sense that God gave you i think you would be a lot happier if she knows you can stand up to her or she will walk all over you as she has been doing  luck it takes work and common sense to make a marriage work not an outsider they do not live with you jo

[rt555]

well we've decided to give it another go. and put the past behind us, in many ways start again, it will take work but we're talking and still going to go to counseling.

Thanks so much for the advice and support, it really helped me through the worst.

wish us luck

[rt555]

Funny you should mention it, her parents are a strong unit on the surface but her mother has a multitude of issues that she has never dealt with, she is prone to severe mood swings and can be hot and then cold in a very short time.
I never really connected the two, my wife also comments on how her mother is unhappy at heart.
I'm just now trying to take this waiting one day at a time and concentrating on keeping it together for the kids. we'll see what happens now.

[RockRose]

Sounds good,  rt.  Was her mother like this too?  I'm just wondering where she got this kind of strange feeling of entitlement.

[rt555]

Well I went to the counseling session today alone as my wife was feeling ill, I have to say i'm happy i did. I think in our relationship i've been too soft and accommodating, I realize the whilst I'm not perfect I am a loving, caring and supportive husband.
My wife has her own issues too that are not related to me, i need to set an ultimatum on a decision as I can't go on like this indefinitely. She has been living as a single person in her mind these last weeks and obviously has already made up her mind. It hurts to relaise this.
Before the session I had a long talk with my wife and said most of this and she has agreed to make up her mind one way or the other. I don't feel necessarily better but do feel more comfortable with myself.
Funnily since returning from the session she is all inquisitive about what i said an what the councilor thought, I am not telling her everything as i had a single session for myself and she could have come too if it was that important to her (i would have to have lost a leg to miss the session).
She was also tidying, i think her feathers are a little ruffled as i went on my own and have transferred a little of that power she has had all of, she keeps asking me if i want to talk but i have told her that i've said everything about how i feel and just need an answer soon one way or the other as i can not keep going like this.

[teko]

You work. You do the majority of the work at home, you do not go out, you sleep on the couch because she needs her space. You take all the blame for problems within the marriage. You do not want to split.

She goes out several times a week and stays out late. Allows you to carry the main financial burden and do the majority of the work at home. Is suspicious of you if you go out, jealous, accusing you of ill will. Problems at home are your fault, wants to split, but does not want you to leave.

Now I am not a rocket scientist my any stretch of the imagination, but, going by what you are saying here. I think it is obvious.


She does not want a married life, wants to live the life of a single person and you are to stay and make that possible for her to do. You will work to pay the bills, clean the house, watch the kids while she goes out and then you sleep on the couch. UM, wake up and smell the roses.

[lovemykids465]

I see things abit different. I did not get prego on my own. My husband played a part in that so he also should play a part in the care of our children not just financially but also helping out also. I did stay at home with our children until they went to school then I went back to work full time but got pregnate with our last one my first year back so I cut down to full time. But when I was at home I had 3 little ones ( 4 year old, 20 months and new born) and I did feel alone. A stay at home mom works as hard if not even harder then most men and they deserve the same respect and affection from their husbands that they desire from us. When a man comes home his work is done but a mothers never is if anything it gets harder once he is home because he wants her attention too. My husband also played on sports teams so that took him out of the house after work most nights and he was always moody due to finances which were all his doing seeing I never got out to spend any money. It nearly caused us to split but his eyes were opened when I was hospitalized  for a week and he had to care for the family. I am not saying it is all the mans fault but I can understand where the wife may be coming from but that does not give her reason to punish you the way she is. Like I said before try giving without expecting anything in return and see how she responds to that.

[Ashelen]

I agree with RockRose on this...I'm a stay-at-home mom (and pregnant) and the house is MY job. my daughter (and soon-to-be-born son) are MY job. My husband goes to work to bring home money to support us...and while he's at work, so am I. I'm cleaning the house, doing the cooking, and caring for and teaching our young daughter. Both of our jobs are vital, and both of them are exhausting. We both have to realize how hard the other works and not belittle the struggles we both go through, or we would start to resent one another. It would be easy for me to resent him for being "out and about" during the day, and being able to eat lunch and relax in the middle of the day, and go to sleep at night while I'm up with our daughter...But it would be equally easy for him to resent the fact that I'm home all day. I can eat when I'm hungry, sit down when I'm tired, etc....so the key is appreciating each other and recognizing hard work for what it is.

If your wife cannot appreciate what you do for her and your children, you need to speak with the counselor about this (because obviously she's not listening to YOU). You have GOT to feel appreciated in order to feel good about yourself, and your wife should ALWAYS appreciate you, no matter how "uncommunicative' or "difficult" you may be. That doesn't affect how much you do for her, does it? just makes it harder for her to say "thank you".

You may simply have to ask the counselor to suggest that you both sit down together and work out a list: this is your job, this is her job, yours, hers, etc. Your job is to go to work 8-5 or whatever. When you come home, you take out the trash and walk the dog. Her job is to care for the kids from 8-5, cook dinner, and clean. When it's all clearly laid out, each person knows what's expected of them.

On the other hand, I sympathize with her feeling alone. But she does not need to be going out several times a week "until late" in order to reconcile this feeling. If she feels alone, it's YOU she needs to turn to.

[RockRose]

You think I'm being unfair to her,  rt555, I think you're selling yourself incredibly short.  

I'm a stay at home mother like your wife,  and I believe my husband - and you - bear an incredible burden.  My husband works very long hours,  and some weekends,  and it's my job to do everything else.  Including yard work.    That's division of labor,  and I'm willing to pick up my half,  cheerfully.  

[rt555]

I think she is trying to build a new life without me in it. i don't go out much because anytime  i did in the first years of our relationship she always accused me of having an affair despite that i could never dream of such a thing. I have little or no friends now compared with having a large social life at the begining.
I thin RockRose is being unfair to her,
It's very difficult to live here with one income and yes i do think she feels she has been alone. we have burdens but they are joint burdens, i feel like i have always been the one lying awake at night worrying about them tho. I am guilty of taking her for granted but i think we are mutually guilty of not making each other feel special.

[lovemykids465]

Why have you had to work so much? Have you caused a financial burden by your actions and that is why she is mad or has it been her or a combo of  both? Have you withheld any type of emotional affection from her in the past due to the fact that you were so busy and she has built up a wall to protect herself? She may feel like she was a single parent for the past 8 years so now she wants her freedom. It is not right but understandable. Like I said before if she sees the effort with no strings attached maybe she will be more resolvable.

[RockRose]

I know this is only your side of the story,  we haven't heard hers,  but she sounds very immature and self-centered.  Is she this self-centered and immature in other ways?  

For a grown woman to decide to dump all the household stuff and kid stuff on you and go out and play with her friends and keep threatening to leave you,  and not understand and appreciate that you work many jobs to keep the house together,  she sounds like she's 13 years old.

What does the counselor say?

[rt555]

Both of us are seeing the counselor, I have been honest and we are communicating now over the past weeks, she says it will take months for her to be abe to know if she'll stay with me or not. were not fighting as i am doing 99% of the housework, childcare i'm working full time and a side line when i can and i don't go out at all. she goes out several times a week till late, she tells me that apart from the kids she has wasted the last 8 years of her life.
I have always had to work more than one job to keep us above water and so have missed many weekends with the kids, this is another issue she has. so now i'm trying to do all and we are not fighting. I may be grouchy but that's not necessarily the whole issue as when i'm quiet it's a problem also or if i'm sitting thinking about work or bills or where the next side job will come from.
there are loads of fights and issues we have had that are entirely my fault and i have admitted that to her. I have changed considerably over the years but to her it's not enough. in the past when we have had large blow outs i have walked away or just stopped talking. she sees this as coldness and not loving her but it was just to stop the argument getting worse, it always does in the end tho.
I feel in so much pain waiting for anything from her, i'm now on the couch as she needs her space and i don't trust myself to not try to give her a hug as i'm craving her contact.

[RockRose]

Can you be more concrete?    I'm having a hard time understanding what the problem is.

Is her complaint that you've been grouchy in general for several years,  and she wants you to be less grouchy?

Sorry,  I'm having a hard time understanding exactly what's going on.

[lovemykids465]

Maybe she wants to work things out but does not see any hope for change. I have been there. Sounds like you need to work on getting the help you need and maybe she will see the effort you are making. Have you read the book the " Love Dare" sounds like it may help in your situation.

[mami1323]

So there seems to be a lack of communication in the relationship and this is what has led to you this point.  You said you are seeing a counselor, would that be you alone or the both of you?  If it's the both of you perhaps you can discuss what you are feeling there.  Have you tried being honest with your wife about how you're feeling instead of bottling it up?  

[rt555]

no and no, we have fought allot in our relationship, usually about stupid things, we have also always had problems either with my family or money and have worked through these, i do get frustrated with her and have not been easy to live with. i have offered to move out but she doesn't want me to and this makes "seeming happy" really difficult under the circumstances. i would be happy if she wasn't leaving me. I was pretty happy before she told me she was leaving also. i don't suffer from depression but i do get bothered by things like most people, i just try to keep it to myself hence going into my own world. this was something i had to do growing up.

[mami1323]

Are you on any type of medication?  Do you have depression?  Because if someone is unhappy and they know it's not the fault of their spouse, they can usually control their emotions if they learn how to.  If it's a chemical imbalance, you may need more help to get there.

[rt555]

I know most of the problems are my fault, and i have spent considerable time working on them, i had a really difficult childhood being the eldest of a single alcoholic mother. I don't blame my wife for wanting to leave, but it doesn't help me feel better. I let other people get me down and tend to go into my own world, i have had difficulty communicating which leads to arguments. i have had some counseling and try hard to deal with it. she says she doesn't want to see me unhappy anymore and in my own thoughts but thats hard to change under the circumstances.