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How do I gain my fiancé’s trust again after lying to him?
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How do I gain my fiancé’s trust again after lying to him?

I recently got engaged to my boyfriend who i have been dating for almost 3 years now. We are getting married in 2 months’ time. Everything was going well and i was busy shopping and preparing for the big day! I travelled to another town for shopping with my mom over the weekend. I needed to get back for work on Monday while mom was gonna stay longer. My fiancé did not want me to travel alone as he is very protective about me.  So i lied to him saying i had a friend coming with me. The lie was very trivial and only so that he does not worry too much about me. However he knows me in and out. And figured by the way i was talking that there was something fishy. So i accepted that i lied and told him everything. This has hurt him a lot as he trusted me blindly and changed the way he looks at me. He doesn’t want to trust me anymore and does not care. (At least he says so) He has a tendency of saying mean things to make me realize my mistakes. He is also fed up of giving me chances as I have been and done stupid things in the past. This situation has screwed up any excitement regarding the wedding. I desperately want things to be ok. But i know that it ll take time. How can i handle this situation in the best way. I ve already apologized and promised that i would never lie again.
15 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
This isn't REALLY about Your "little white lie".  This is about His behavior.

"He doesn't want to trust me anymore and does not care"
"He has a tendancy of saying mean things to make me realize my    
       mistakes"
"He is fed up giving me chances as I have done stupid things in the past"

These are Red Flags.  (my guess, there are other red flags as well).  These behaviors are not likely to improve after Marriage, but more likely to intensify.  I would suggest couples counseling before the Wedding and if these issues can't be resolved, well, it's much easier to call off a Wedding than it is to go through divorce, a especially once the Babies start coming.  I'm sorry if I sound abrupt and to the point but His behavior is controlling and it does not get better with time.
Good Luck

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P.S.
You're already calling YourSelf "StupidGirl".  This is NOT good !! !! !! !! !!
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973741_tn?1342346373
Oh  my goodness.  I couldn't be with a man that didn't see me as his equal and that I could travel home from shopping with my mom by myself.  I've flown to other countries all by my little old self . . . and was just fine.

You need to be equal to your potential husband and I would put the kabosh on his treating you like a child.  

you needed to come home and didn't want to inconvenience a a friend to come with you----  so you lied.

You lied because he placed an unreasonable demand on you.  He's being silly.  He's not protective-----------  he's controlling.  Big difference and doesn't make for a happy marriage.

Nip it in the bud before the wedding.
good luck
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13167_tn?1327197724
I totally agree with the others,  girl (I'm not going to call you stupidgirl) this is a MISTAKE.  The lies will just get more frequent or you'll knuckle under and never leave the house,  never spend any money at all,  never call your family,  etc.

He is out to control you totally - to control your movements as well as your mind.  

Get out get out get out get out get out.  Even if you've put a downpayment on the wedding venue and have a ring   . . . get out!!
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13167_tn?1327197724
Ugh,  I just went to your profile.  Somehow I always assume the posters on this website are from the US.

Do you have any option to get out of this?
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1268057_tn?1418174381
I am going to flip the situation onto your side for a moment by asking what exactly does this mean......"He is also fed up of giving me chances as I have been and done stupid things in the past."  Could this be a reason why he is acting so "overly protective?"

Or

Is it everytime you turn around there he is one step behind you not giving you any "breathing" room/time apart from him and the only way to get alone time is to lie to him?

Lying and distrust is NO way to start off a marriage.  Is there any way to postpone the wedding until you work through this?  

I am not sure what you can do to change this if he is "fed up."  You definitely need to make sure this is sorted out BEFORE marrying him.  If it doesn't get sorted, don't marry him.  If you are afraid to be honest with your soon-to-be husband there is something terribly wrong here.  

I am sure some of this is cultural.  
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Avatar_f_tn
MACHISTA. I AM GUESSING. I have lied to my husband! But he does not make me feel as if im the biggest sinner.
You lied about something that you can freely choose. YOU traveled alone because YOU wanted too. He should have accepted it and moved on. Never promise. We tend to forget.

I have a story.true. this happened to my aunt. My uncle made her feel bad constantly and she was getting really sad...so she would tend to his needs like a busy bee. She did everything for him. Still. He reminded her jst how bad of a person she was. Years oassed by.
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Avatar_f_tn
MACHISTA. I AM GUESSING. I have lied to my husband! But he does not make me feel as if im the biggest sinner.
You lied about something that you can freely choose. YOU traveled alone because YOU wanted too. He should have accepted it and moved on. Never promise. We tend to forget.

I have a story.true. this happened to my aunt. My uncle made her feel bad constantly and she was getting really sad...so she would tend to his needs like a busy bee. She did everything for him. Still. He reminded her jst how bad of a person she was. Years passed by. Until this year. He had been so cold hearted that he forgot his vows. He commited, I think the biggest sin. Adultery! Man with no live to his wife. He focused on the worst and ... . She thought she was doing her best. She accepted his comments and pretended not to hear... they are in the process of divorce. Sad.


DO NOT ACCEPT THOSE FILTHY COMMENTS! Be a woman who can tell him to stop and move on. Do not beg nor feel bad
Take care
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks a lot everyone for your comments.We have sorted out the differences. And everything is fine now.
However i do realize that all of you ll have an important point. He is a little setup in his ways. But he is also ok if i dont always agree with him. And I can have my way with him. Its just that in this situation i chose not to and take the easy way out. I will discuss these issues with him and make sure he has his head straight before the wedding. Backing out at this point is not an option!
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Good Luck
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13167_tn?1327197724
SG - backing out is "not an option" because at this point you will be jailed or somehow banned from any future marriage with anyone?  

Or backing out is "not an option" because you've spent lots of time planning the ceremony and everyone is looking forward to the party and you'd feel kind of silly for changing your mind?

If it's #2,  you'd look sillier marrying him when you know this isn't a workable relationship.

You'd be surprised how many people come to this site,  post some awful dire thing and then when lots of responders all agree that it's a terrible situation the original posters says well we actually discussed this last night and now everything is perfect and really always has been actually.

I don't know you,  don't know him,  but if what you wrote in the first post is true you'd be a complete fool to marry this man at this point.
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Avatar_f_tn
If you think backing out is not an option well I think that even if you wait til the day of your wedding to back out then I think you're able to. You shouldn't be with a man that is trying to control you like that. my husband laughs at my little white lies he doesn't put me down about it. I think that no-one should put you down like that. just think thru and really see the red flags before you marry him. and don't think you can't back out.
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1268057_tn?1418174381
I just hope you make the right decision for you and not everyone else in regards to this marriage.

I've been through a divorce and isn't anything I would want or wish on anyone nor would I want or wish someone to be in a marriage that was unbearable.  

Your decision, however, cultural beliefs may be playing a part in this.    

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Avatar_f_tn
A relationship cannot n built lies. Even of he was bring to protective n controlling its never right to lie to him. a stromg marriage takes straight up honesty n absolute trust
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Even my husband said that he was being too controlling. I asked him for his opinion about your situation and he told me that he shouldn't have done what he did to you. and he said he shouldn't be saying mean things to you just to make you realize your mistakes.
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