How do I go about having a relationship with my brother after long periods of time

[Melissa2064]

My brother and I have had periods of times when we lived in separate States. Maybe an occasional phone call during birthdays and Holliday's. This had been going on since I was 16 years old; I am 46 now. Neither of us really know each other any more and now he lives close by.
I really want to get to know him especially since he adopted my 4 & 7 year old. It was a complicated situation involving CPS and my mental health and my continuing to drink and do drugs while my children were away from me. There was never an abuse issue and I relapsed after they were taken from my home. The father is not in the picture.
My brother holds resentments against me for the way I handled the whole situation. He blames me for fighting cps for my son, the 4 year old. I tried inpatient treatment, once for 6 months and others for a month at a time, as well as outpatient treatment. Nothing addressed my mental health (schizophrenia). I found that nothing helped, and I still drink now but not to get drunk. I have cut back over the years when the situation wasn't fresh in my mind. I healed over time and got used to not seeing my children for months on end. My brother doesn't trust me to know where he lives and doesn't let me see my children much, probably because I still drink. And I think he hold's resentment because I treated him badly when we were kids.
He has some odd idea that I haven't come to terms with my schizophrenia. He thinks that I should not work but maybe volunteer somewhere. And that I shouldn't raise children.
I have been stable on my meds nearly all my life. I have lived with it since I was 18 years old and have no trouble working. I don't consider my schizophrenia as a disability as long as I take my meds.
I am in counseling and he suggests my brother come to one of my counseling sessions. I don't know if he will but I have considered that.
I am afraid of my brother because he is so argumiative and is sure that he is right all the time and I just clam up and don't know what to say to him. I want a conversation not a fight. I have left several messages for him with the sugestion that we need to talk to get to know each other. He does not respond.
I thought about writing him a letter with topics I am concerned about, that will be subjects of conversation. I hope that my son and daughter will have a close relationship unlike my brother and I.

What can you suggest we or I need to do?

[AnnieBrooke]

I also concur that at this time you might simply have to live with the status quo, much as you might wish the situation to be different than it is.  

Your brother is not the problem.  You still have a lot of work to do to get your life onto an even keel.  As a parent, I would not expose children who have been through a lot of insecurity to anything that increases their sense of insecurity, and right now (especially with you still indulging in bad habits and justifying it) you are not going to increase their sense of calm and security.  You need to demonstrate to your brother that you have a stable life, and all you're showing him is that you are still in denial.

Work with your counselor.  The fact that you are (drinking) is not the problem, the problem is that you act like everything will be all right if you and your brother can just get together as friends.  That glosses over that your behavior has caused a lot of damage.  That is on you to fix, for your own sake.  It is not your brother's problem.  His problem is to make a good place for the kids.

Time will heal this, if you can create a better life for yourself.  But I don't think there is a quick fix available that involves you and your brother singing Kumbaya.  You still have to go through the grind of working on you.  I'm sorry.

[specialmom]

I'm sorry for all of your pain.  Life sure an seem unfair.  You've had so much in your lifetime.  A very serious mental illness, alcoholism, losing your kids-- all very difficult things.  And while it is unfair, your brother is probably doing what he feels is best.  He probably has pain over it as well.  He may feel that your coming back into the children's life could bring chaos because of the chaos he's seen previously.  He's moved on in life, taken over the reigns of parenthood and for that, I would be eternally grateful to him.  But it is hard because in doing so, he has cut ties with you.  We don't know his side of it.  But I do know, for kids I love, I would make very difficult decisions for what I thought was their well being.  Or my own if he feels you bring so much along if he accepts you back into his life.

I'm very empathetic though to how this must make you feel.  You are trying to build your life.  This is a constant reminder of things past that have been troubling.  I will say that an alcoholic can not 'still drink' and not have it be a problem.  That is not what any addiction counselor would tell you.  You are surviving and doing better for sure, but that you are still drinking is troubling.  And with your mental health issues, this is something to consider.  Can you purge alcohol from your life entirely?  

I agree that sometimes things just can't be fixed.  He just may not be willing at this point to risk going backwards in where they are now.  I'm very sorry as I'm sure this hurts so badly.  I'm really glad you are taking your medications and seeing a therapist.  Keep doing that and keep the faith.  Life will unfold and it CAN change down the road.  But this is where it is now.  peace and hugs

[RockRose]

Melissa,  this might not be fixable.  You are indebted to him in a way you can never repay.  You were mean to him as a child,  and now he's raising your children because CPS has taken them from you.    In my opinion,  he holds all the cards and has all the power,  but I'm sensing you are treating him as an equal in this relationship - which would be the case if he weren't raising your children.  I think he should have the option to not have a relationship - have you expressed to him how incredibly grateful you are for his sacrifice,  and that you could never repay him and you hope to earn his forgiveness?  That might go a little further than "I want to get to know you".  Blessings.  This is hard.