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How do I know if I should be concerned about the pornography my boyfriend is watching?
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years. I am 29 and he is 31. We live together and have discussed getting engaged soon. However, I recently found some porn websites bookmarked on his computer. I feel guilty about having found them, as I probably should not have looked at his computer and really wish I didn't. I feel terrible about it and at first didn't want to say anything because I felt so bad, but I did end up telling him because I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was concerned by them for a number of reasons. I am aware and accepting of the fact that most men look at pornography and it's not necessarily unhealthy or unnatural for a guy to look at porn websites and masturbate sometimes. However, the websites he was looking at were strange to me. They weren't what I would typically think of as porn, with all of those airbrushed models with fake breasts, but were real women who had set up their own sites, most of whom were not what most people would consider attractive. They also seemed kind of young (like just 18) and had big breasts (which I don't). This does not seem like normal pornography viewing. These are real people. What if he is talking to them and communicating with them to get off? That seems like cheating. And if he is attracted to these younger women, that is seriously concerning. What is going to happen when I am 50? And if he likes large breasted women, why is he with me and how can I not feel insecure? I am really having a hard time with this. I have had boyfriends who looked at porn before in private, and have been able to handle it fine. It never seemed to interfere with our relationships and the porn itself seemed "normal." This time it hasn't interfered with the relationship or our sex life either (or at least I never felt that way, but now I am second guessing) until now. It's my own fault for discovering it. He says he loves me and I have nothing to worry about, but I am not sure and I can't stop thinking about it. What should I do? Is what he is doing okay? Is it possible for him to love me and be committed to me if he is engaging in this behavior? The fact that the sites are bookmarked make it seem like it must be happening really frequently. Please help. Thank you.
I personally wouldn't be okay with that. I'm not okay with porn or masterbation.....My DH used to do it before we got married, but we sat down and discussed it. He no longer watches porn, or, for the most part masterbates. I am not as against masterbation as I once was, but the way I see it is...He should come to me for satisafaction first, because I have a pretty healthy appetite as well, and if he still has the desire to do that on his own, then go for it. As of so far, that hasn't been a problem.....
Speaking to someone who has been married twice and divorced once......Things that are upsetting, or slightly annoying before marriage are amplified 1000x after marriage. And I having lived with my DH before marriage, I can honestly say that, yes, they are magnified after moving in together, but nothing like after you have made a commitment for LIFE. SO, what I mean by this is, if there is anything that is bothering you, think LONG and HARD about whether this will become a deal breaker. Because it may not go away, and if it does it may be a lifetime of effort on both of you guys part to get it there.
On a completely different note....Before I had breat aug, my breasts were basically non-existant. All of my DH exes had very large breasts. And I was sooooo self concious about this. It drove me crazy for a while. But, not until after I had breast aug, and we were looking at my before pics did I realize that he really did love me for exactly who I was. He was absolutely in love with every aspect of my body. (I got breast aug for my benefit, he was against it, and is just now, nearly a year later getting used to the idea, lol) So just because it's fun to look at, doesn't mean anything about how he feels about you. Every human is different, every body is different and it doesn't matter. You're personality is what's going to drive him wild for your body. And your confidence will just add that much more excitement for what's under the clothes. LOVE your body, because if I had it to do over, I would have embraced my small chest, rocked it, and never spent the money on breat aug.....Believe what he says, because even if we can't understand it as women, it's from the heart and all truth. Good point up there^......Think about men you've dated/are attracted to. They all have different builds, hair, eyes, gestures, etc but you don't compare them in your head, you enjoy each and everyone of them in their uniqueness, and while in a relationship, your brain only thinks of them, not others, so believe it when he says it. :)
Good luck
Speaking to someone who has been married twice and divorced once......Things that are upsetting, or slightly annoying before marriage are amplified 1000x after marriage. And I having lived with my DH before marriage, I can honestly say that, yes, they are magnified after moving in together, but nothing like after you have made a commitment for LIFE. SO, what I mean by this is, if there is anything that is bothering you, think LONG and HARD about whether this will become a deal breaker. Because it may not go away, and if it does it may be a lifetime of effort on both of you guys part to get it there.
On a completely different note....Before I had breat aug, my breasts were basically non-existant. All of my DH exes had very large breasts. And I was sooooo self concious about this. It drove me crazy for a while. But, not until after I had breast aug, and we were looking at my before pics did I realize that he really did love me for exactly who I was. He was absolutely in love with every aspect of my body. (I got breast aug for my benefit, he was against it, and is just now, nearly a year later getting used to the idea, lol) So just because it's fun to look at, doesn't mean anything about how he feels about you. Every human is different, every body is different and it doesn't matter. You're personality is what's going to drive him wild for your body. And your confidence will just add that much more excitement for what's under the clothes. LOVE your body, because if I had it to do over, I would have embraced my small chest, rocked it, and never spent the money on breat aug.....Believe what he says, because even if we can't understand it as women, it's from the heart and all truth. Good point up there^......Think about men you've dated/are attracted to. They all have different builds, hair, eyes, gestures, etc but you don't compare them in your head, you enjoy each and everyone of them in their uniqueness, and while in a relationship, your brain only thinks of them, not others, so believe it when he says it. :)
Good luck
Mirage- this is a very personal decision for you. i have very close friends who love porn. For me there is no way that I would marry a man who reguralrly looks at porn. To me, if he is not getting enough of his sexual jollies off of my real live derrier and breast and he needs to do get off on some other ladies T and A, there is something seriously wrong with the relationship. I would in no way enter into that union. But I am very old fashion and I work hard to keep myself looking good as well for my honey-(that is only fair when you have had three kids.) Still, some of my closest friends love porn and I don't judge!
Inga
Inga
I agree with a lot of what Ashelen said. And I agree that to me, porn is porn.
You have to decide if this is okay w/ you or not first of all. Just because it is okay for your friend or your neighbor, does not mean it has to be w/ you. That is your choice to make. I guess I just urge you to decide that before getting married. Your criteria for you life long partner is totally up to you. For some it may be someone that does not drink. For someone else, it may be a non-smoker. And for some, it may be someone that does not feel the need to look at porn.
For me, it's a deal breaker, but what is a deal breaker for me or someone else, may not be for you. Only you can decide that. Once you make that decision, I think you can move on to your next move. I do think you should talk to him about it though...I wish you all the luck in the world!
You have to decide if this is okay w/ you or not first of all. Just because it is okay for your friend or your neighbor, does not mean it has to be w/ you. That is your choice to make. I guess I just urge you to decide that before getting married. Your criteria for you life long partner is totally up to you. For some it may be someone that does not drink. For someone else, it may be a non-smoker. And for some, it may be someone that does not feel the need to look at porn.
For me, it's a deal breaker, but what is a deal breaker for me or someone else, may not be for you. Only you can decide that. Once you make that decision, I think you can move on to your next move. I do think you should talk to him about it though...I wish you all the luck in the world!
Well I have a few points to make..voyeur sites (where women set up webcams and it seems "more personal" than those commercial porn sites) are very common. Sometimes they involve communication between the woman and her customers, but from what I understand (I researched this when my husband and I were having conflicts about porn) MOST women do NOT have contact with their customers.
So what would I think if I were you? well...let's see. He's looking at "real woman" it's more intimate, less commercial, more concerning to you> i can understand that, but like I said it's a very common practice and isn't really any more "unfaithful" than a regular porn site would be. if you consider porn unfaithful, then they both are...but if one isn't, I wouldn't say the other one is either. oNe way to look at it...he prefers the real woman. He doesn't LIKE fake. He likes nitty gritty, and real. I.e. YOU. There's a huge difference between what a man thinks in his fantasies and what sort of woman he's going to marry and spend the rest of his life waking up next to. He may like big breasts- in his fantasies. This has no bearing on whether or not he likes your body and as long as he's not constantly harping on you to get a boob job and/or making you feel inadquate through other actions, I would ignore this. My husband has a thing for redheads. It bothered me for awhile, but now I just realize it's one of those things that he might dream of in a fantasy but it's not going ot make him go out and cheat on me with a redhead. for example....there's an actor, Ben Browder, who has figured quite actively in several of my fantasies. Would I ever think of actually getting with him, or compare my husband to him because my husband is of a different physical stature? no. large breasts/small breasts..it's the same for men. if he's WITH you, he's ATTRACTED to you, large breasts or not.
As for the age thing: chances are, they're just very young-looking 20-something's. let's face it, most underage women do not have breasts the size of what you're describing. As long as the age limit is LEGAL, I wouldn't worry about age. men all like young women in their fantasies...but they also realize that "young buxom women" are not the ones to make a life with, so all it is is fantasy.
what you need to decide is this...are you OK with porn, or are you not? if you are, (assuming he is NOT in contact with these women, which is usually the case), then I would sit down with him and discuss what bothers you about the sort of women he looks at in his porn...tell him EXACTLY what is bothering you. This needs to be something you can communicate about in your relationship because it's likely it's a topic that will occur and recur throughout the years.
If you are NOT ok with porn, if for whatever reason your self image has changed and you cannot accept it....talk to him then as well. it may simply be YOU, and not that he's doing anything wrong, and you can either choose to work through it (therapy is a great option) or you can tell him "so long" and move on. But I must say...having a husband who is honest about the porn he views is a much more appealing concept than having a man who lies about it and hides (like my husband did for awhile). a lot of men look at porn. not all, I won't even say most, but chances are if you move on into the dating world this issue will resurface and you need to look long and hard at yourself and make sure that you aren't projecting your own self-image issues onto his actions and causing trouble because of it.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do..I hope I helped a bit. I did a lot of research on the psychology of porn when my husband was addicted to it a little while ago. it nearly ruined our marriage, but we've worked long and hard together to come up with solutions, compromise, communication, and a middle-ground that we could both live with. it's possible...but is this a relationship worth investing the time and communication into? only you can answer that.
So what would I think if I were you? well...let's see. He's looking at "real woman" it's more intimate, less commercial, more concerning to you> i can understand that, but like I said it's a very common practice and isn't really any more "unfaithful" than a regular porn site would be. if you consider porn unfaithful, then they both are...but if one isn't, I wouldn't say the other one is either. oNe way to look at it...he prefers the real woman. He doesn't LIKE fake. He likes nitty gritty, and real. I.e. YOU. There's a huge difference between what a man thinks in his fantasies and what sort of woman he's going to marry and spend the rest of his life waking up next to. He may like big breasts- in his fantasies. This has no bearing on whether or not he likes your body and as long as he's not constantly harping on you to get a boob job and/or making you feel inadquate through other actions, I would ignore this. My husband has a thing for redheads. It bothered me for awhile, but now I just realize it's one of those things that he might dream of in a fantasy but it's not going ot make him go out and cheat on me with a redhead. for example....there's an actor, Ben Browder, who has figured quite actively in several of my fantasies. Would I ever think of actually getting with him, or compare my husband to him because my husband is of a different physical stature? no. large breasts/small breasts..it's the same for men. if he's WITH you, he's ATTRACTED to you, large breasts or not.
As for the age thing: chances are, they're just very young-looking 20-something's. let's face it, most underage women do not have breasts the size of what you're describing. As long as the age limit is LEGAL, I wouldn't worry about age. men all like young women in their fantasies...but they also realize that "young buxom women" are not the ones to make a life with, so all it is is fantasy.
what you need to decide is this...are you OK with porn, or are you not? if you are, (assuming he is NOT in contact with these women, which is usually the case), then I would sit down with him and discuss what bothers you about the sort of women he looks at in his porn...tell him EXACTLY what is bothering you. This needs to be something you can communicate about in your relationship because it's likely it's a topic that will occur and recur throughout the years.
If you are NOT ok with porn, if for whatever reason your self image has changed and you cannot accept it....talk to him then as well. it may simply be YOU, and not that he's doing anything wrong, and you can either choose to work through it (therapy is a great option) or you can tell him "so long" and move on. But I must say...having a husband who is honest about the porn he views is a much more appealing concept than having a man who lies about it and hides (like my husband did for awhile). a lot of men look at porn. not all, I won't even say most, but chances are if you move on into the dating world this issue will resurface and you need to look long and hard at yourself and make sure that you aren't projecting your own self-image issues onto his actions and causing trouble because of it.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do..I hope I helped a bit. I did a lot of research on the psychology of porn when my husband was addicted to it a little while ago. it nearly ruined our marriage, but we've worked long and hard together to come up with solutions, compromise, communication, and a middle-ground that we could both live with. it's possible...but is this a relationship worth investing the time and communication into? only you can answer that.
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