Aa
How do I stop feeling guilty?
I brief background. After my divorce I reconnected with my high school boyfriend. We had grown apart after he joined the army at 17 and went to viet nam at 18. I eventually married as did he when he got out. years went by - we ran into each other a few time early on but then we both moved away from out home town. After my divorce I one day saw him on facebook and sent a friend request...turns out we lived about 400 miles from each other. after months of emailing, texting, and talking he came out to my home. We caught up on life and had a great time. He went back and we continued our "relationship". After he few more months he moved in with me. It wasn't but a few days that we had a miscommunication about something personal (that I don't want to go in to here) and he reacted by pacing frantically and saying he had to go back, why did he come out here. To tell the truth my mouth dropped open. It seemed like an odd reaction and even crazy behavior. So I calmed him down and told him I didn't want him to leave...yada yada. The next day was Thanksgiving and we were suppose to go to my friends home. He had been bantering back and forth with them on facebook and thru emails and I thought he liked them. But he wouldn't go..said he didn't feel well. So neither of us went. A few days later they invited us over for left overs and we went. But when we got home he said he would never go there again. He didn't like their dogs. He didn't like the flies..on and on. I told him that these were almost my best friends and I felt like he was making me choose.
So that settled down, but stranger things came up. He can't deal with bugs of any kind. H can't go to stores. He can't be around big dogs (however I had a small dog and he was ok with her....didn't have a choice there). The only thing we did was go to the neighborhood bar...he was fine going there.
so now i have to mention that he was an elvis impersonator in his younger years and made good money (or so he said). so when we were at the bar that was about all he talked about...and he talked like elvis...even wore elvis type clothing. it was as if he was not in reality of who he was.
He picked up a business he once had making costumes and I tried to help him the best I could although it was not easy. that's when i discovered that he had PTSD, severe anxiety, couldn't handle any stress what so ever and anything that came out of his mouth was negative - not to mention an explosive anger. he ended up going moving out and going back to his town.
after months of apoligies and saying he loved me and that he was get help for his ptsd...yada yada i allowed him to come back. but it was the same old stuff. so this time i asked him to leave...he did. after he made the move all i heard was how broke he was (he does only get a very very small soc sec ck and no savings what so ever) so I continued to be involved in his business venture, but it was costing me money! I told him it had to come to an end until he found a seamstress in his town so that I could bow out. Needless to say that didn't happen and he kept selling the costumes....to make extra money...which was always spent before the outfit was even made.
Finally a few days ago I saw that he had taken money out of paypal which was suppose to be there so I could pay for shipping of the outfits and the seamstress. he said he needed to buy food. so I felt bad. then one day later I see that he is bidding on a piece of junk on ebay...a wayne newton (he impersonated him too) memoribilia. I lost it and told him how dare he - he owed me money and he always said he needed food and the money he wanted to spend on ebay could be better put toward the above! I really went off on him...so he resonded that he would leave me alone and not call or email and that he would pay me back what he owed me. I know you are all saying "manipulation!" and yes i agree...
days goes by - he emailed a few times and i did not respond - then last night he texted and emailed that his younger brother (who has a fatal disease) was in the hospital. I emailed back that i was sorry and asked if he knew when, why, any particulars? he answers back "boy I must really be a piece of crap that my family didn't even call me" He had found out when a nephew was in his town and called him. That response he had really pissed me off and I responded "THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU - GET OVER YOURSELF" -
Then he said he liked it better when I wasn't talking to him because he didn't need someone (me) calling him out all the time.
anyway - I really am done, but I still feel guilty - guilty that I should be a friend and be comforting him, guilty that I got upset with his attitude. Just guilty that things couldn't have worked out.
So any words of wisdome?
So that settled down, but stranger things came up. He can't deal with bugs of any kind. H can't go to stores. He can't be around big dogs (however I had a small dog and he was ok with her....didn't have a choice there). The only thing we did was go to the neighborhood bar...he was fine going there.
so now i have to mention that he was an elvis impersonator in his younger years and made good money (or so he said). so when we were at the bar that was about all he talked about...and he talked like elvis...even wore elvis type clothing. it was as if he was not in reality of who he was.
He picked up a business he once had making costumes and I tried to help him the best I could although it was not easy. that's when i discovered that he had PTSD, severe anxiety, couldn't handle any stress what so ever and anything that came out of his mouth was negative - not to mention an explosive anger. he ended up going moving out and going back to his town.
after months of apoligies and saying he loved me and that he was get help for his ptsd...yada yada i allowed him to come back. but it was the same old stuff. so this time i asked him to leave...he did. after he made the move all i heard was how broke he was (he does only get a very very small soc sec ck and no savings what so ever) so I continued to be involved in his business venture, but it was costing me money! I told him it had to come to an end until he found a seamstress in his town so that I could bow out. Needless to say that didn't happen and he kept selling the costumes....to make extra money...which was always spent before the outfit was even made.
Finally a few days ago I saw that he had taken money out of paypal which was suppose to be there so I could pay for shipping of the outfits and the seamstress. he said he needed to buy food. so I felt bad. then one day later I see that he is bidding on a piece of junk on ebay...a wayne newton (he impersonated him too) memoribilia. I lost it and told him how dare he - he owed me money and he always said he needed food and the money he wanted to spend on ebay could be better put toward the above! I really went off on him...so he resonded that he would leave me alone and not call or email and that he would pay me back what he owed me. I know you are all saying "manipulation!" and yes i agree...
days goes by - he emailed a few times and i did not respond - then last night he texted and emailed that his younger brother (who has a fatal disease) was in the hospital. I emailed back that i was sorry and asked if he knew when, why, any particulars? he answers back "boy I must really be a piece of crap that my family didn't even call me" He had found out when a nephew was in his town and called him. That response he had really pissed me off and I responded "THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU - GET OVER YOURSELF" -
Then he said he liked it better when I wasn't talking to him because he didn't need someone (me) calling him out all the time.
anyway - I really am done, but I still feel guilty - guilty that I should be a friend and be comforting him, guilty that I got upset with his attitude. Just guilty that things couldn't have worked out.
So any words of wisdome?
Best Answer
" We had grown apart after he joined the army at 17 and went to viet nam at 18.".....................That would explain the PTSD, etc.
Unfortunately, he has too many issues that you can't handle and it is ok for you to say "It's too much and I want out."
Unfortunately, he has too many issues that you can't handle and it is ok for you to say "It's too much and I want out."
i found my ex who was also in vietnam had a lot of 'issues', but i tried REALLY hard to help him. ptsd is common with vietnam vets not only because of the war, but how they were treated when they came home. he also hated bugs because of the bugs in the rice patties where they had to lay in. if you are incapable of having patience, empathy, etc he is better off without you. in my case he just could not stay faithful and that got real old.
He sounds to mentally ill and emotionally immature to be in a relationship. U deserve better. If u are wasting your time on him u won't have anytime to meet someone more suited for u. Just my opinion.if u keep tryin and it doesn't work its not going to. U feel guity because u r a sweet person.
You've got nothing to feel guilty about. He's an aimless and needy guy and you shouldn't have to go out of your way for him. He's an adult and he needs to learn how to take care of himself. This is not your responsibility. You were being codependent and it's better for you to leave him be than to invite that kind of trouble back into your life.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
In fact, he sounds like he has numerous issues and is with someone that would just rather he not have them. Not a lot of empathy. Why does he have PTSD?
anyway, to me, I think you would like a less complicated person to be with and that is fine and understandable. And he deserves to be with someone who is empathetic to the things he goes through (which doesn't sound like you really are . . . which is okay. But he deserves that in his life).
So, don't feel guilty. You are in fact freeing him to find someone who can love him better and more than you did.
I feel badly for this man and hope he is able to find contentment and love in his life. good luck to you as welll