How do I tell my friend that she isn't the ONLY one with problems!

Question

I have a friend (so-called friend anyway) that only wants to talk about her problems, but when I have something major going on with me, I get nothing back. We talk a LOT via text messaging and sometimes phone and email. I will send her a text message asking how her day is going and she will respond that her ex did this and did that. I will get several text messages in a row explaining every detail of what was said between them. I will respond to every one of them and give her the best advice I can, usually many texts back. Once all that is out of the way, I will then tell her what's going on with me and the response is usually "That S U C K S" and that's IT! Yesterday she REALLY hurt my feelings. It was my birthday (and my daughter's too) and I was at lunch and went to get a pedicure. I texted her and asked her how her day was going and she replied with several texts telling me all the things her and her ex said (AGAIN). It's always the same thing with them two. Anyway, she finally got around to asking me what I was doing and I said, "I'm just treating myself to a birthday pedi. This guy is taking FOREVER to do my toes. Thank God it's my birthday or my boss would be upset."  She just replied "Wow"  No HAPPY BIRTHDAY, no hope you have a great day, no Happy Birthday to Tatum (my daughter). She just went back into her story about her ex again. 

I know she has problems and stuff, but don't we all! They broke up over 4 months ago and they still talk, he helps her out with money from time to time and he tells her how she's the only one he'll ever love blah blah blah. The same ol song and dance over and over and over again! I've gotten to the point to where I don't even bother asking anything anymore. I want to say something to her about it but I don't want to hurt her feelings the same way she has hurt mine. I don't even know why I care at this point.

youyouyou123 · Answer

I'm so glad that I'm not the only person who is in the same situation. My best friend was in a situation that her husband told her to leave and he wanted to get a divorce because he loved someone else. My friend has been supporting him in both emotionally and financially, and she NEVER wants to leave her marriage even though he has been treating her really badly. I have been there for her listening to her on the phone with her 3-4 times throughout the day. Four months later, they both got back together. However,  he wants nothing to do wiuberthebjt he is using her in the marriage so that she can support him. Anything I told her, she never takes advice! !  The stressful conversations about her husband have been going on and on and on for a year now
 The same problem of their financial issue and how her husband always forgets things and she has to do things for him like a mother who is taking care of her son.  This drives me crazy!! There was one time I had to tell her to call me in the next 2 weeks bz I had my exam coming bz I couldn't take it anymore with my school, my married ife, and her problem (we libe in different state)  Now, she calmed down a bit but again on the phone  it's still about her husband's problem. I feel hurt that she stopped asking about my life and if she does, it's because I'm quiet on my side. I became easily irritated in married relationship when my husband talked to me bz her stress has affected me, too.  Imagin if you watch a sad movie 3 times a day every day, how would you feel. I'm afraid that I will hurt her feelings if I tell her about what I'm going through. ..I don't mind being there if she wants to vent,  but excessive amount of it,  is just bothering me a lot.
Thanks for reading bz at least I can share this things to uou guys.

mami1323 · Answer

Happy b-day to you and your daughter.  She just seems very self involved.  Sometimes that happens when someone is going through so much that they can only see their issues and not even consider anyone else's.  It happens, I wouldn't do it to my friends because real friends share stories and will always be there for each other.  I know I've listened to my bff talk all the time about her relationship issues BUT she's always there to hear my issues as well.  Maybe tell your friend how you felt and how you feel.  She may not even know she does it.

Judy246 · Answer

Yes, we are your girlie buddies always and I got your back  (the other ladies too!) (lol).

I bet she isn't even aware of her behavior. She is so wrapped up in "me,me,me" that she forgot that "friend" has a life too. I would tell her and  I promise, she will be much more sensitive to your issues.....Judy

imanaddict · Answer

Thank you ladies! You guys ARE my friends and I'm thankful for each and every one of you! And thank you for the birthday wishes for both Tatum and myself! I wouldn't know what to do without you guys and this site is a perfect example of give and take from friends =)

It's not just the forgetting my birthday that hurt. I forget birthdays all the time, but if someone subtly mentioned it to me, I would be like "OMG HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY!!"  not just disregard it! It did open my eyes to the situation a little more. This has been bothering me for a while but I've just kept telling myself that she's going through a lot and has been for the past few months. I feel like a broken record and there isn't anything else I can tell her (about her ex) that I haven't already said. That's ALL she wants to talk about and I've ALWAYS listened like a friend is supposed to and it just plain hurts =(

MrS_L0PeZ · Answer

I've had a few so called "friends" like that also. Its very selffish of your friend to be like that. Is she even aware that its bothering you? The key to any relationship is communication, weather its with a friend or a significant other. You need to tell her how you feel. Let her know that you care for her as a friend and you'll be there for her to give her and advice & support when she needs someone to talk to but you want & need to be able to do the same with her. It shouldn't only be all about her and her problems. If she continues to be like that you should stop being her friend. I know you care about her as a friend but she didn't even acknowledge your B-day when you told her, I would be hurt and upset about that if it was me. Just let her know how you feel and if she is a true friend she will give more input when you talk to her.  Good Luck!

heatherlynn22 · Answer

my cousin and i used to be super close. in fact i became her surrogate big sister (her big sister ***** at life) and i loved helping her with her problems. but when it was the same problem over and over and over and over again and even AFTER i told her her options she STILL kept at it. whenever I needed someone to talk to and just listen while i cried...she was always "too busy" or "out with phil". so i was her sometimes friend. which hurt. really bad. after talking with my dh about everything he suggested we (after he and i got married he became friends with her "fiance") just slowly quit making an effort and that's what we did. now....no more teenage (even though she's almost 20 she acts like she's in 10th grade still) drama. 

it can suck having to hear about the same ol' c rap day after day. that eventually you have to say enough is enough.

Judy246 · Answer

Hi, You don't need her, you can always talk to your girl buddies here!...By the way, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO YOUR AND YOUR BABY GIRL!!! Woo Whoo!

Now for the advise. Although you care for this friend, she seem to be selfish and self centered, you know the kind where the world revolves around me, takes, but doesn't give. Too wrapped up in her problems to listen to yours. I don't doubt that is a friend, but I would reverse the situation, "Did you forgot my birthday?", you will probably get the "Today's your birthday,I'm so sorry, etc...", but you have two choices, either communicate by phone (not text) how you would appreciate more advise from her as a friend, or when she starts texting or talking about her b/f, behave the same way she would behave towards you in that situation, in other words, change the conversation to see how she likes it (only for a short time), and I'm sure she will take notice.

Only in last resort to reconsider your friendship with her. That is totally up to you, but I think it's fixable by just making her aware that you need more input from her.

Keep us updated on what happens....your buddy, Judy

Lucey12 · Answer

I know that kind of friend. Ive been there. I said this on another persons question: some times you need to step out of their lives no matter how hurt you are, you are just as hurt with her. You do no deserve to be treated like that at all. Seriously, if she didnt remember your birthday, hell Id still be mad, but to not even say happy birthday when you reminded her subtly. Happy birthday to you and your daughter, I hope it went well other than the slow pedi and ***** of a friend!

imanaddict · Answer

We used to talk every day and now we only talk (or rather SHE does all the talking..LOL!) about 3 days a week. I have one other friend, my BFF, who I confide absolutely everything and thank God for her because she's the total opposite. I know my friend in TN is a good person and she went through a LOT with her ex, which is why I am still friends with her (the part about her being a good person, not the ex thing) but she needs to realize exactly what you said...that friendship is 50/50. I have gotten to the point where I just say "That S U C K S" to her lengthy texts, and not to retaliate, but because I have said the same things about her ex over and over and over and over.

jo929 · Answer

If she is truly your friend you will have to accept her as she is and hope for the best, or tell her how you feel and take the chance of losing her friend ship or just maybe she will understand, but i think she is just who she is, it is your choice   luck  jo

heatherlynn22 · Answer

i'm really sorry your "friend" is acting like that. have you thought putting space between you and this "friend"? perhaps finding someone else to talk to who can listen as well as talk? this girl sounds like a very...egotistical person. it's all "me me me". a friendship is like a relationship. it's 50/50. you  have to give some to take some. it just may be time to move on from this "friend" and let her and her "ex" sort out their issues on their own.

everyone deserves a friend who is a true friend. i have a cousin/"friend" who is like your friend. the only time she talks to me or visits my family and i is if she and her "fiance" are having problems that they want dh and i to solve for them or she wants something. the only time she texts, calls, ims, or emails me is if SHE wants something. since i realized this i've put a great deal of space between us. i don't go out of my way to talk to her or anything.