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How do i conquor the fear of dying alone
I have been in a failed marriage for several years. The last 6 or so have only gotten worse every day. I was the active guy, funny guy who just loved trying to be the best i could be in life. I have 3 children and they are my world. This is one big reason i have never left..well for good anyway. I come from a family that you work through your problems and no problem is to big to fix. God has blessed me with much more then i need and even through all my depression and anxiety i am so grateful. But for the last several years its like she stopped trying or caring, Putting up a wall and shutting me out. I too also push my pain down deep and hide it all away. I used to go to a therapist and had a really good friend that was also a therapist and i started sharing, Let my emotions into my relationship and all parts of my life. I put my all, my entire soul into my marriage and what i got for it was an accusation that i was sleeping with my friend. I was told loose the friend or my marriage. Long story short every woman friend i had i pushed away, to the point were i have no one. My wife continued to show me how little i was worth and to this day i am worth a paycheck. My anxiety and depression has gone up and down but for the last few years its only gotten worse...and now i share nothing, talk to nobody and now i seclude myself from the world. I am so scared to go out, to go to the store, talk to people i care about, to look my children in the face. I feel like i am a failure and no longer have the will to go on. But my biggest fear is dying alone. To feel unloved and alone is unbearable. The thought of ending my marriage and loosing my children scares me to death. The thought of lying down in an empty bed scares me so bad. I know there is no love in my marriage, we are roommates..and my roommate is stealing my paycheck. I dont want to spend the rest of my life scared and alone but i dont want my children to see their parents in a loveless relationship. I feel like damaged goods and honestly believe that there is no way another woman could ever fall in love with me..and if ever did im sure i would find a way to screw that up to since i reckon if i was a better, normal person maybe i wouldn't have failed at this. What do i do?
I dont' think that a good therapist leave you feeling judged. A good therapist can leave you feeling hopeful and more powerful, and talk to you about handling anxiety. After we associate therapy with being judged for medication purposes, and had as negative experience as you've had in that area, i know it's hard to imagine that that part of therapy can sometimes fall under the umbrella of a patient wanting drug therapy or "drug seeking" behavior. It's hard to unring that bell and get back to the original purpose of talk therapy, but still it is in many cases helpful, if you can reset yourself and find closure to your earlier experiences with a therapist...
but with or without , time heals and having faith in our baby steps moving forward toward success will help sustain you for better days ahead. God speed.
but with or without , time heals and having faith in our baby steps moving forward toward success will help sustain you for better days ahead. God speed.
Read LifeChanging Magic of Tidying, and then do it for another hour and a half.
The whole exercise will take an afternoon.
The whole exercise will take an afternoon.
Book recommendation: (and this will sound bizarre, but it's absolutely true): The LifeChanging Magic of Tidying, by Marie Kondo.
It's a very short book. And it's not a clean out your cupboards book, it's a clean out your negative ways of thinking book, while you're cleaning out your closet.
Honestly. You can find it at any library or book store or on Amazon.
It's a very short book. And it's not a clean out your cupboards book, it's a clean out your negative ways of thinking book, while you're cleaning out your closet.
Honestly. You can find it at any library or book store or on Amazon.
1 Comments
THere is alot more then just trying to deny friendships. As far as a therapist since i am not having to see one for medications i can go to a different one. I guess if i wanted to be on meds again then i would be forced to go see the one that i talked about. I just honestly do not want to see one. I just dont feel like having another person judge me that i dont need to. My anxiety was very bad this weekend. I just got to keep trying to make baby steps..how ever i can acomplish that
It's funny, even whilst i type this stuff, i feel a feather soft touch on my hand, of someone long passed from this life.
You sound like you're a very popular guy and that may have made your wife jealous. Is she disallowing you having contact with women the most oppressive thing she's doing? I think if that is the case, it might be a good idea to suggest a male marriage therapist, or at least a male personal therapist for yourself. It sounds like you're very depressed. Certainly she would not disallow you to seek medical aid? You were seeing a therapist and it was you who decided to stop. Not your wife. Is it you or she that is stopping you from getting much needed and deserved, therapy?
You sound like you're a very popular guy and that may have made your wife jealous. Is she disallowing you having contact with women the most oppressive thing she's doing? I think if that is the case, it might be a good idea to suggest a male marriage therapist, or at least a male personal therapist for yourself. It sounds like you're very depressed. Certainly she would not disallow you to seek medical aid? You were seeing a therapist and it was you who decided to stop. Not your wife. Is it you or she that is stopping you from getting much needed and deserved, therapy?
Love transcends the physical experience.. you don't have to see love, or hear love, or touch love, to be able to FEEL LOVE.
Your wife is incapable of breaking your bonds.
Your wife is incapable of breaking your bonds.
"Love transcends the physical experience.. you don't have to see love, hear love, or touch love, to be able to feel love"
I know that your spirit is strong enough to have been felt and accounted for at your best friend's wedding. I'm so sorry you had to miss the event to appease your paranoid wife but your love for your friend cannot be denied. Believe me, she felt your love there with her, and she always will. That's how we can survive the loss of our loved ones. Even your wife cannot separate friendships in reality.
Are you saying that you don't want to get another therapist, or that you are not allowed to get another therapist?
I know that your spirit is strong enough to have been felt and accounted for at your best friend's wedding. I'm so sorry you had to miss the event to appease your paranoid wife but your love for your friend cannot be denied. Believe me, she felt your love there with her, and she always will. That's how we can survive the loss of our loved ones. Even your wife cannot separate friendships in reality.
Are you saying that you don't want to get another therapist, or that you are not allowed to get another therapist?
my wife works also..i tried to get us on budget and it worked for a few weeks then money starts dissapearing...maybe she has a homeless bf..i really dont know. when i need things for work we never have money but if she decides she needs something she never goes without..maybe she is saving up for a D attorney. As far as my friendships i have been talking to my friend who is also trying to get me to see a therapist. she is one and knows a couple she recommends..said she will take me and everything..If it comes down to it again and my wife gives me an ultimatum..this time i will force her to choose. i have one real friend in this world and i abandoned her for my wife..friends dont do that..especially ones that save your life. My best friend always forgives me and always puts her all into my problems..and is just a great friend. I missed going and being in her wedding because i was to scared to fight for myself..wont happen again. And as for meeting new friends..well i live in a small town were almost everyone knows everyone..I used to have a reputation when i was younger and in a small town people judge you from things you did 20 years ago. I have friends but i just avoid them. I posted a message on FB tonight to take a small step about my anxiety and why i avoid people..i guess really it was so people would just stop calling me and expecting things of me. Really just wanna be left alone. Maybe just another way of avoiding not making a change in my life..Reckon its just easier to run away anymore.
In the end i know things will never get better if i sit here and expect good things to fall in my lap. I let things get this bad and every day i wait is another day i hurt. Im scared to make that step,,scared that i will end up with some life ending illness and realize not one person will be there to tell me i will be missed, no one to tell me to hang on and fight. Just alone and scared. My wife will take my kids back to her home state. i have seen a friend go thorough a tough D. A devoted christian and the kind of guy who would give everything to help someone..His wife fed his daughter full of lies and now his only child hates him..It has destroyed him and i fear so much for him, What if my wife does this to me? What if she marries some looser and wants them around my children..THese are real fears and i know what i would do to anyone who posed a threat to my lil girls. Just so many fears and afraid to face any of them
In the end i know things will never get better if i sit here and expect good things to fall in my lap. I let things get this bad and every day i wait is another day i hurt. Im scared to make that step,,scared that i will end up with some life ending illness and realize not one person will be there to tell me i will be missed, no one to tell me to hang on and fight. Just alone and scared. My wife will take my kids back to her home state. i have seen a friend go thorough a tough D. A devoted christian and the kind of guy who would give everything to help someone..His wife fed his daughter full of lies and now his only child hates him..It has destroyed him and i fear so much for him, What if my wife does this to me? What if she marries some looser and wants them around my children..THese are real fears and i know what i would do to anyone who posed a threat to my lil girls. Just so many fears and afraid to face any of them
It's insane that you could not choose another therapist first of all. I'm really sorry to hear about that. But you could try again to find another therapist, even it that means changing family doctors, i think it's important that you have someone to talk to, especially since you're not on any medication.
I'm really sorry you feel like a paycheck. Does your wife work and contribute to the kids as well ? or is only you that works?
Does your wife spend a great deal of your money on herself, or is your money mainly going to support your kids lifestyle?
Can you not go back and have your friendships with your female friends now? Is it too late or is that you being a fatalist? I wouldn't bother telling my partner about my friends if we were in a relationship that was in name only. I wouldn't think that it should matter. who im friends with if there was no friendship within the marriage.
I think the most important thing you CAN do for yourself IS TO MAKE FRIENDS. being very careful not to bring the baggage of your failing marriage into the mix, Maybe you need to be good to yourself and find a few golf buddies, or gym buddies, find a new hobby, build something, learn something new. Maybe you need to get some more exercise , to elevate your mood. Join the YMCA and go to the pool a couple few time a week to meet others, maybe in the same boat as you.
Please, do not think that this is your fate. You can change how you feel and how you react. Don't be fatalistic.
I'm really sorry you feel like a paycheck. Does your wife work and contribute to the kids as well ? or is only you that works?
Does your wife spend a great deal of your money on herself, or is your money mainly going to support your kids lifestyle?
Can you not go back and have your friendships with your female friends now? Is it too late or is that you being a fatalist? I wouldn't bother telling my partner about my friends if we were in a relationship that was in name only. I wouldn't think that it should matter. who im friends with if there was no friendship within the marriage.
I think the most important thing you CAN do for yourself IS TO MAKE FRIENDS. being very careful not to bring the baggage of your failing marriage into the mix, Maybe you need to be good to yourself and find a few golf buddies, or gym buddies, find a new hobby, build something, learn something new. Maybe you need to get some more exercise , to elevate your mood. Join the YMCA and go to the pool a couple few time a week to meet others, maybe in the same boat as you.
Please, do not think that this is your fate. You can change how you feel and how you react. Don't be fatalistic.
One is a teenager and others under 10. I have seen a few therapist and one i really liked. I was on xanex for a few years like 5. Because of my injuries and medications it finally came to the point were i was forced to see a therapist and i did not like her much. I tried but i just could not do it. I cant explain it but nope just couldn't have it. But if i was to continue on my medication for my anxiety i was told i had to see her. I told my doctor to please suggest a different one but this therapist said that i had to see her once more and she would not release me to anyone else until i did..Really Really, I am paying out the rear to get help and i am told that..well im sorry but i am going to force you to see someone you cant stand before i can allow you to see someone who can help, HA no thanks. I stopped my medication cold turkey and stopped my Adderal at the same time..It was rough but i eventually started to get better. I was dealing and i guess trying to fake it till i make it. Well i never made it and well now im right were i started with only my hopes and dreams that i wont freak out. So i dont really know what you are saying Annie. The whole thing is like a riddle to be honest. I think you are saying wait till the kids are 18 and out of the house and split?
How old are your kids? You might get some movement on this status quo once they themselves move into new phases of life, there are some where it is natural to pull away from the family to find themselves, and by the time the last one gets there is might feel more natural to you also to do the same. You'll have seen your kids do it and thrive, and it might feel safer to you to try. In the meantime, please see a male therapist.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. Gosh, very sorry to hear of your sadness and this situation. It does sound hard. I don't know what to tell you. I understand why you are staying. Many won't, but I get it. Especially as a man. If you want day to day with your kiddos . . . many will choose to struggle through a loveles marriage. Can you try to be more of working partners with her than lovers if she is not going to try and you don't wan't to leave the home? Then your expectations of her change and you are more about making a peaceful home than trying to 'fix' the relationship. If she won't work on it, really can't fix it. And it sounds like this is the conclusion you've come to.
And when your kids are older, you can revisit venturing out on your own. I wouldn't try to project the future. You have a lot dealing with day to day right now. Focus on your kids and long range, exit this scene with your wife in name only. THEN you can decide if or when you want to find a better partner.
Unless you are ready to leave now . . . AnywaY, again, I'm really sorry it is so hard. peace
And when your kids are older, you can revisit venturing out on your own. I wouldn't try to project the future. You have a lot dealing with day to day right now. Focus on your kids and long range, exit this scene with your wife in name only. THEN you can decide if or when you want to find a better partner.
Unless you are ready to leave now . . . AnywaY, again, I'm really sorry it is so hard. peace
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