How do we help our daughter get out of an abusive relationship?

Our daughter who is now 24 was raped when she was 12. Since that time she has abused various drugs and repeatedly involved herself with abusive men. Over the years we have had her in counseling and various treatment programs. She always goes back to the same behavior. Now she is living with a man who abuses her mentally and physically. He uses meth which was once her drug of choice. She is currently in a methadone treatment program for oxycontin addiction and having to go every day for her dose. We have offered our love and support throughout it all. She will not admit to us that she's being abused, but yesterday we found out from a very reliable source, the only friend she still has, that this man has strangled her to the point of passing out, sometimes more than once in one day. My husband & I are so consumed with worry. We have gone to the police and called social services but no one can do anything unless she calls or the abuse is witnessed. The biggest clincher now is that not only is our daughter in danger, she also has a beautiful 3 yr old daughter in that house. We have talked with an intervention team in the past but never gone thru with it as I truly don't believe she will agree to go to treatment. We believe she needs a safe inpatient treatment program to get off all drugs and to sort out her mental issues dealing with the rape and her total lack of self-esteem. How do we get her this help if she won't admit to needing it??

[babypooh]

Oh, my goodness... I'm very sorry you're going through all of this. I understand the frustrations of feeling so helpless and the worry that comes with being a parent. Would she accept that her daughter live with you at least? Maybe that would be the beginning of her recovery, if she agrees. It' so hard to help someone when they don't let you. Maybe you should consider the intervention team again. Is your grandaughter this man's daughter? Hmm, have you tried talking to your daughter and telling her you already know her boyfriend abuses her? Try talking to her, even if you already have. Tell her you don't want to see her keep letting others ruin her life. Remind her she needs to get better and get out of the relationship for her daughter, if not for herself.  Try getting the grownups in the family together to talk with her and let her know that they know what's going on and that they love her and want it to stop. Enough is enough. Maybe she needs a group effort like that to break her down. I don't know, honey. I'm so sorry you're going through this with your daughter. Maybe you can go live with her; make up a story on why you need to sleep over for a while. Something is bound to happen. You would witness it and call the police yourself. I will keep your family in my prayers, okay? I truly hope it all turns out well. Let me know how it goes. Keep the faith...

[gayle55]

Thank you for your reply. We have talked several times with our daughter about the abuse and have confronted the boyfriend. In fact we told our daughter that we did not want him to come to our home (90 miles away from where they live) for Christmas or any other time. She said we would need to talk to him about that, but he never answered our phone calls. So he calls us back on their way up here, my husband stood firm and said, no, he was not welcome here, but hoped that our daughter and granddaughter would come alone. He had the nerve to tell my husband that they were his family now not ours, and that we better not cross his path! They did turn around and go home, but, surprisingly our daughter did drive up on her own with our granddaughter and actually acted happy to be here. I think she's scared s_ _ _less around him. He has been convicted of domestic assault against an ex-girlfriend and their child in 2001. He also has a pending confinement and rape charge against him from 2007 of his then-wife. No, our granddaughter is not his child, her father is another abusive drug addicted man who is not involved. I have written most of my entries on the addiction substance abuse forum if u want to read more about this. Turns out my husband & I are planning to go thru with an intervention to get her out of the situation and into treatment for drugs and the emotional issues she has that keep her trapped in a violent relationship (repeatedly). She has virtually lost all friends except one and that one is exhausted from trying to help her on her own..hopefully she will agree to being at the intervention. I feel God is with us on this and that circumstances are aligned just right for getting her the help she needs. Please keep us in your prayers.Thank you again, I love these forums. Happy New Year.

[momagain59]

"He has been convicted of domestic assault against an ex-girlfriend and their child in 2001. He also has a pending confinement and rape charge against him from 2007 of his then-wife."

I would start by digging into this guys past. Chances are it can be used against him. Is he on parole? Is he supposed to be around children or other drug users? Call the police in the town they live in. Tell them all that you know, even if it means that you daughter goes to jail. Your Granddaughter has to be protected. I would also call the hotline and let them know how this child has to live. Can you ask her friend about the living situation? I would start by asking if she feels that this child is in danger.

[momagain59]

Have you tried to see how much info is available online? I can't help but wonder what all is on his record. Some states have free public court records. pa. courts. state. mn. us is one that I found for Minnesota. I put a space behind every period because I wasn't for sure if it would show up. I read your other post so, I saw that you have contacted the hotline and the police. Did you contact the police in the town that she lives in? I would contact them again, not just about the child, but about the drugs that can be found in his possession. Is he employed? Does he have to take drug tests?  Does he have a license? Does he drive under the influence?  I would do whatever I could legally to get rid of this guy. Has your daughter always had custody of her daughter? Has she ever had to pay any concequences for her actions?

[gayle55]

No, she really hasn't had to pay any consequences...I can't believe all the people, including us, who have reported her to Social Services with nothing being done. My husband even set up a date and time to meet them at our daughter's house in hopes of catching her at something and then at least we could take custody of our granddaughter. He drove 90 miles and sat and waited & waited. They never showed!!!! This whole situation is so disgusting. On Christmas Eve my husband spoke to the boyfriend telling him he was not welcome here at our house at Christmas or any other time...he proceeded to yell at my husband saying, "They're my family now, not yours..and you better not cross my path." Well, we are going to cross his path. We hope to soon pull off an intervention and have the police with us so when we ask him to vacate the house (that we own, she rents) we'll have assistance should he turn violent which we both know he will. Please pray for us and this situation. Oh, and, yes, we have gone to the police in her town...they're keeping an eye on things but can't do much unless she presses charges. Thanks again, Gayle.

[gayle55]

I forgot to mention that I have done my online criminal history check...its all there except the pending stuff, that we got straight from the police when we went to report all this. They sound like they will be very helpful, the officer we spoke to gave us his cell phone number to call day or night. Hope he's on duty the day of the intervention.

[babypooh]

I'm very sorry things have come this far with your daughter.  Looks like you're doing all the right things; it's harder when the person you're trying to help doesn't let you help them, but keep trying and never lose faith. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope your daughter soon realizes she needs to get away from that guy and seek professional help. We're all here if you ever need to talk. Good luck.

[momagain59]

Being a foster parent for 10 years opened my eyes. I knew about the abuse and neglect that goes on in the world but I didn't know how lacking the system really is. I feel that most of the children that were placed in our home were only removed from their homes because the police were involved. DFS is in the business of keeping families together. I feel that the children's safety should be the most important thing on their agenda but it is not. When the police are involved, I guess DFS knows that there will be a paper trail and they will have to answer to the court for what they did or did not do to protect the children. Even if DFS doesn't show up, each report is on file and they will stack up and can be used against them at a later date.

Involve the police as often as possible because they will document everything. I would ask the officer that was so helpful when he will be on duty for an intervention. It could make all of the difference in the world. He sounds like he really cares. Believe me, some officers could actually make in backfire in your face. Does the police department there have a drug hotline that you can call to report him doing drugs and having drugs.

Are you ever alone with your Granddaughter? Does she ever talk about what goes on in her home? I would try to get her in your home as much as your Daughter will allow.

"They're my family now, not yours..and you better not cross my path." This sounds like a threat to me, If I were you, I would get an exparte on this piece of @$#&. This would force him to move out of your house.

I have prayed and will continue to pray for you, your Daughter and Granddaughter. They do not deserve to have to live like this. I know your heart is heavy, this is one of these times when you have to do all that you possibly can and turn the rest over to God. Take care of yourself, I have a feeling that your Daughter and Granddaughter are going to be needing you very soon.

[GRose]

I didn't read the other responses but couldn't you call child protective services? They would do a surprise visit to the home and they would get your granddaughter out of there. I know it will be hard but it may just be what she needs to get clean and get out of the relationship. Your Granddaughter would most likely be place with you or other family members until your daughter gets her life in order.
Your daughter would never know it was you that called since it is all done anonymously, for all she knows a concerned neighbor or friend could have called.
You don't want to wait until it is too late. If your daughter still doesn't get off of that horrible lifestyle that is her choice but YOU NEED to make sure that  that little girl doesn't have to live another day in this horrible unlivable situation.

[babypooh]

Well said, GRose; I totally agree.

[GRose]

This just frustrated the **** out of me, there are things that can be done. If it was just her daughter then what there is nothing she can do, since she is an adult but since there is a child involved the state will and must take action.
Give me the name and address and I will call CPS is you are afraid, I'm serious I would do it in a heartbeat. I don't want to hear on the news that a 3 year old girl was killed by her moms boyfriend or accidentally got into some drugs and died. These things can and will happen. My mom's baby sister died when she was three years old because she thought some tylenol was candy, this can happen to your granddaughter.
I am at the verge of tears here thinking about things that I am sure your granddaughter is seeing and hearing.

[KATE535]

Try your utmost to encourage your daughter to leave this man. You really should be telling her exactly what her daughters future is heading for if she stays with this man, it may seem harsh as you are trying to give her support after all she's been through. But I think you need to be straight with her and honest. It seems she does not understand what her daughter is going through as she has so many problems in her own life to overcome. This man will only make her and her child's life harder. She would be better off on her own. You should tell her that loosing her child ( to social serviuces ) will cause her far more pain than loosing a man like that.
''How do we help our daughter get out of an abusive relationship?''
- Be as honest as you can about the psychological Damage that is occurring to her and her child,
- Offer your support but remain adamant that this realtionship should End - it is a ticking-time bomb,
- She will move on from her painful past better without him, he will only bring her down further,
- Her daughter needs a stable and loving home, not where she witnesses her mother being abused,
- Her daughter may turn out to be in situations like that when she is older since she was shown it was acceptable to be treated that way when she was a child, and that she doesn't want a future like that for her daughter.

[momagain59]

Wow, you might want to read her other post before you decide nothing has been done to help this child out of this situation. Don't think just because someone calls DFS that they will do anything. Many times DFS will call and make an appointment with the parents (what a joke) before they go to their house. I have called the hotline and would not hesitate to call it again. Please do not take for granted that they will rush out and fix the situation because they rarely do. I have only seen them respond fast when the Police are involved. We all still have to call them so it can be documented and after so many reports they might do something.

You sound like your heart is in the right place and yes it is very frustrating but can you imagine how it must feel to be the Grandma and the system doesn't work to protect your Grandchild? I am not trying to attack you and I feel the exact way that you do about this poor child. I wish we could all help all of the children in this situation. If you have a child in the public school system, chances are that there is a child in their class that is living in a similar situation. It is so sad that children really don't have any rights in this world.

[Lonelymom]

I can't help you get your daughter out of this situation because she is going to have to be strong enough to leave. Hopefully the cops will help you get your granddaughter but from what I have seen they don't help either.

I was in a similar situation only difference was I wasn't on drugs but my boyfriend was. Meth is horrible and the person on it becomes mean when they are coming down. Your daughter is scared for her life. I know this because I was there!

My mom fought for years to get my neices and nephew from my sister who was just like your daughter on drugs and with an abusive husband. No matter what she did nobody would help. Finally my sister saw the light and left that man.

Please keep us informed as to how your daughter and granddaughter is doing and I will keep yall in my prayers.

Also from experience the law isn't your friend always. Please wait until that officer is on duty to do the intervention.

[GRose]

hmmm CPS must be different in other states. About a year ago my boyfriend's sister was staying with us and we ended up kicking her out because she was causing too many problems. Well, to get back at us she called CPS and told them that Noah was living in an unfit home and that I was using drugs and alcohol while breastfeeding(very untrue) She also told him that my DB was a junkie, which WAS true but he was clean and in rehab at the time. CPS came in the next day by surprise and evaluated us as parents and of course saw no reason to to take action.
I assumed that since they took action to investigate me that they were the same with every call they got.
I didn't mean to sound harsh but I don't feel like everything has been done to help this situation. I just don't see how it is possible that she has told social services about the lifestyle that this 3 year old is living in and they have done nothing, something just doesn't seem right here.

[momagain59]

I copied her other post and believe me this really happens. Sometimes it just really depends on which caseworker you get and what mood they might be in also. I have seen some good caseworkers but they usually don't stay long if they really care. Each time a child goes into care, their parents are given an attorney paid for by the state to help them fight for the return of the children that they abused or neglected. Believe me, very few attorneys give a xxxx outside of winning the case and making a good reputation for theirselves.

Your sister in law must be a good liar in order to make them move fast. Did they actually give you urine test or blood test to see if you were using or did the just believe you? They went to one of my sister's house to investigate a call of physical abuse from a boyfriend to her son. The caseworker was black, my sister is white, her boyfriend was black, and she told the caseworker that it was only said because her family is prejudice and that we didn't like her boyfriend because he was black. Not true, I didn't like him because he was abusive to her son. I also never liked any of her abusive white boyfriends. They didn't even talk to her son or look to see if he had any marks on him. One of her daughters is now grown, has 2 children and she is picking the same type of men. I have a very large family and there is always some chaos going on. I have been falsely turned in also, by a birth parent when I was taking care of her daughter but I could've easily been lying and they would not have known the difference. I could tell you so many horror stories but it won't change the system so I won't bother.

This is the post that I copied:

gayle55

Dec 26, 2008 03:19PM

Our daughter has been reported to Child Protection Social Services about 8 times...by us, her OB doctor, her ex-boyfriend, our granddaughter's preschool...like I said in my original question, they will not do anything unless the child shows visible harm or if abuse is witnessed or if someone has witnessed drugs being used in front of her. I have also explained it all to the police. I was also told that I would get charged with kidnapping if I took our granddaughter, that we just have to wait for our daughter to ask for help. Apparently she is not going to do this. She has been strangled to the point of passing out...WHO WOULD NOT REPORT THAT???? Someone who is scared out of their mind, and/or drug addicted, and/or lacks one speck of self-esteem. The only thing we haven't followed thru on is an intervention...they will help us confront her and claim they are 92% successful in convincing people of needing help. They would work with us ahead of time to seek out an appropriate treatment center that could handle this mixture of problems. And, of course, we will keep praying, endlessly praying. Gayle

[momagain59]

I copied her other post and believe me this really happens. Sometimes it just really depends on which caseworker you get and what mood they might be in also. I have seen some good caseworkers but they usually don't stay long if they really care. Each time a child goes into care, their parents are given an attorney paid for by the state to help them fight for the return of the children that they abused or neglected. Believe me, very few attorneys give a xxxx outside of winning the case and making a good reputation for theirselves.

Your sister in law must be a good liar in order to make them move fast. Did they actually give you urine test or blood test to see if you were using or did the just believe you? They went to one of my sister's house to investigate a call of physical abuse from a boyfriend to her son. The caseworker was black, my sister is white, her boyfriend was black, and she told the caseworker that it was only said because her family is prejudice and that we didn't like her boyfriend because he was black. Not true, I didn't like him because he was abusive to her son. I also never liked any of her abusive white boyfriends. They didn't even talk to her son or look to see if he had any marks on him. One of her daughters is now grown, has 2 children and she is picking the same type of men. I have a very large family and there is always some chaos going on. I have been falsely turned in also, by a birth parent when I was taking care of her daughter but I could've easily been lying and they would not have known the difference. I could tell you so many horror stories but it won't change the system so I won't bother.

This is the post that I copied:

gayle55

Dec 26, 2008 03:19PM

Our daughter has been reported to Child Protection Social Services about 8 times...by us, her OB doctor, her ex-boyfriend, our granddaughter's preschool...like I said in my original question, they will not do anything unless the child shows visible harm or if abuse is witnessed or if someone has witnessed drugs being used in front of her. I have also explained it all to the police. I was also told that I would get charged with kidnapping if I took our granddaughter, that we just have to wait for our daughter to ask for help. Apparently she is not going to do this. She has been strangled to the point of passing out...WHO WOULD NOT REPORT THAT???? Someone who is scared out of their mind, and/or drug addicted, and/or lacks one speck of self-esteem. The only thing we haven't followed thru on is an intervention...they will help us confront her and claim they are 92% successful in convincing people of needing help. They would work with us ahead of time to seek out an appropriate treatment center that could handle this mixture of problems. And, of course, we will keep praying, endlessly praying. Gayle

[momagain59]

I copied her other post and believe me this really happens. Sometimes it just really depends on which caseworker you get and what mood they might be in also. I have seen some good caseworkers but they usually don't stay long if they really care. Each time a child goes into care, their parents are given an attorney paid for by the state to help them fight for the return of the children that they abused or neglected. Believe me, very few attorneys give a xxxx outside of winning the case and making a good reputation for theirselves.

Your sister in law must be a good liar in order to make them move fast. Did they actually give you urine test or blood test to see if you were using or did the just believe you? They went to one of my sister's house to investigate a call of physical abuse from a boyfriend to her son. The caseworker was black, my sister is white, her boyfriend was black, and she told the caseworker that it was only said because her family is prejudice and that we didn't like her boyfriend because he was black. Not true, I didn't like him because he was abusive to her son. I also never liked any of her abusive white boyfriends. They didn't even talk to her son or look to see if he had any marks on him. One of her daughters is now grown, has 2 children and she is picking the same type of men. I have a very large family and there is always some chaos going on. I have been falsely turned in also, by a birth parent when I was taking care of her daughter but I could've easily been lying and they would not have known the difference. I could tell you so many horror stories but it won't change the system so I won't bother.

This is the post that I copied:

gayle55

Dec 26, 2008 03:19PM

Our daughter has been reported to Child Protection Social Services about 8 times...by us, her OB doctor, her ex-boyfriend, our granddaughter's preschool...like I said in my original question, they will not do anything unless the child shows visible harm or if abuse is witnessed or if someone has witnessed drugs being used in front of her. I have also explained it all to the police. I was also told that I would get charged with kidnapping if I took our granddaughter, that we just have to wait for our daughter to ask for help. Apparently she is not going to do this. She has been strangled to the point of passing out...WHO WOULD NOT REPORT THAT???? Someone who is scared out of their mind, and/or drug addicted, and/or lacks one speck of self-esteem. The only thing we haven't followed thru on is an intervention...they will help us confront her and claim they are 92% successful in convincing people of needing help. They would work with us ahead of time to seek out an appropriate treatment center that could handle this mixture of problems. And, of course, we will keep praying, endlessly praying. Gayle

[momagain59]

I copied her other post and believe me this really happens. Sometimes it just really depends on which caseworker you get and what mood they might be in also. I have seen some good caseworkers but they usually don't stay long if they really care. Each time a child goes into care, their parents are given an attorney paid for by the state to help them fight for the return of the children that they abused or neglected. Believe me, very few attorneys give a xxxx outside of winning the case and making a good reputation for theirselves.

Your sister in law must be a good liar in order to make them move fast. Did they actually give you urine test or blood test to see if you were using or did the just believe you? They went to one of my sister's house to investigate a call of physical abuse from a boyfriend to her son. The caseworker was black, my sister is white, her boyfriend was black, and she told the caseworker that it was only said because her family is prejudice and that we didn't like her boyfriend because he was black. Not true, I didn't like him because he was abusive to her son. I also never liked any of her abusive white boyfriends. They didn't even talk to her son or look to see if he had any marks on him. One of her daughters is now grown, has 2 children and she is picking the same type of men. I have a very large family and there is always some chaos going on. I have been falsely turned in also, by a birth parent when I was taking care of her daughter but I could've easily been lying and they would not have known the difference. I could tell you so many horror stories but it won't change the system so I won't bother.

This is the post that I copied:

gayle55

Dec 26, 2008 03:19PM

Our daughter has been reported to Child Protection Social Services about 8 times...by us, her OB doctor, her ex-boyfriend, our granddaughter's preschool...like I said in my original question, they will not do anything unless the child shows visible harm or if abuse is witnessed or if someone has witnessed drugs being used in front of her. I have also explained it all to the police. I was also told that I would get charged with kidnapping if I took our granddaughter, that we just have to wait for our daughter to ask for help. Apparently she is not going to do this. She has been strangled to the point of passing out...WHO WOULD NOT REPORT THAT???? Someone who is scared out of their mind, and/or drug addicted, and/or lacks one speck of self-esteem. The only thing we haven't followed thru on is an intervention...they will help us confront her and claim they are 92% successful in convincing people of needing help. They would work with us ahead of time to seek out an appropriate treatment center that could handle this mixture of problems. And, of course, we will keep praying, endlessly praying. Gayle

[momagain59]

Sorry, I have no idea why it copied my post 4 times.

[GRose]

DB's sister is a VERY good liar, she convinced me into believing that she was a good person and that she really cared about DB's recovery when in fact she was doing pills in our home despite DB's condition. Not to mention that she was stealing from us.
No, they did not drug test me because I am clearly not a drug or alcohol abuser (when you see enough junkies you can tell) and they did a backround check on me. They contacted Noah's ped to see how he was developing to see if there was any cause for concern. Of course she said he was healthy. Plus, Joes sister is well known in our county for her run ins with the law and she herself has had her son taken from her so they didn't really believe her anyways they just had to check it out.
Once again I am sorry if I sounded harsh in  my previous posts, like I said I didn't read all of the above.
If I were gayle I would call CPS EVERY SINGLE DAY until action is taken. Maybe if she bugs them enough they will do something.