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How do you ask your partner to get tested?
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How do you ask your partner to get tested?

I am a gay man, in a monogamous relationship with another gay man for 2 years now. From the beginning of our relationship, we never bothered discussing about HIV And STDs. We just both assumed that we're safe because we are having safe sex prior to being together. It follows though that because we are in a monogamous relationship, we do unprotected sex.

Just recently, I've been diagnosed and treated for gonorrhea. I've been given a shot of Rocephin Intramuscular and a single of 1g of Azithromycin. Right now, I am under observation for the effects of the treatment. I am scheduled to have my Throat Swab and Culture for a possible Oral Gonorrhea infection. (although the doctor has dismissed the likelihood of being infected in the throat, I need this for my peace of mind).

My partner and I are a good place right now, and opening up to him something like this might be too much that it would end the relationship. I plan to tell him but not anytime soon.

But that doesnt mean I dont value his health, because of what happened, I took it upon myself to bring up the topic of HIV and STD Testing. But I am having a hard time.

I know what I did was a big mistake that may have caused us our relationship but I want to work towards the better future with him, possibly.

I need your help guys.

How can I bring up the topic to him without sounding like I have something going on? or something to hide? I dont plan to hide it from him forever but I'll need time to tell him.

Would it arise suspicion if I bring it up now that we're on our 2 year mark? I've always wanted to talk to him about it but fear and embarassment gets the better of me. I want us to start our 2 years with an open mind and an open heart.

All your opinions would be very much appreciated.

Thank You!

4 Comments Post a Comment
If you have been ' in a monogamous relationship with another gay man for 2 years now,' are you saying that the gonorrhea was from before that time, or that you weren't precisely in a monogamous relationship?  

The short answer is, you need to tell him that he has been exposed to gonorrhea.  What you tell him about the cause is going to depend on whether you want to be honest or to find some sort of fib to say, (such as saying you've had it for more than 2 years if you haven't).

Look at it this way; if the situations were reversed and he had this message to give to you, how would it make you feel to realize he had known for a while and waited to tell  you?  Not good, right?  Like, not only had he exposed you to this, and not only did you now have to deal with the issue of where he got it in a monogamous relationship, but he didn't even care to rush right home and tell you the moment he learned.

(And if he ever were to say to you, "I want to work towards the better future with you, possibly" would the "possibly" tell you that there is no hope for this relationship after two years?)

Anyway, if you really want a monogamous life relationship and want it with him, you're going to have a lot of catch-up ball to play, if you got this during the two years from someone else.  Trust is a hard thing to patch up, once it is broken, and unfortunately you aren't even saying (at least on here) that it was your biggest regret of your life and you are certain you want him and only him forever after.  

My suggestion is that if you can't tell him by yourself, make an appointment for the two of you with a counselor, and tell him with the counselor there.  Talk to the counselor first about what to say and how to frame it, and then get him there and tell him.  

He has been exposed to an illness and deserves the right to treat it.  You are saying your embarassment is more important than that?

" We just both assumed that we're safe because we are having safe sex prior to being together."
There is no place for assumptions when it comes to your health, and his health.

It is IMPERATIVE that the two of you test together regularly if you are having unprotected anal sex.  The sad truth is, people DO cheat, so there are never any guarantees.  The gay community continues to be the group where new HIV infections are the most prevalent...and unprotected anal sex among homosexual men remains the highest risk, sexually speaking.  That's just HIV, there are many other STDs that are wise to test for.

I would recommend testing together at least every 6 months, if not every 3.

"How can I bring up the topic to him without sounding like I have something going on? or something to hide? I dont plan to hide it from him forever but I'll need time to tell him"

He needs to be told right away about the gonnorhea (Gonorrhea), so he can be properly tested, and treated, if warranted.  Put yourself in his shoes...what if he had a disease or infection he was keeping from you?

Of course these aren't easy subjects for anyone to discuss, but they are an absolute must, if you're going to be engaging in unprotected sex in a high risk group.  Adult sexual relationships of ANY sort require openness, maturity and plenty of communication.  That's especially true when you find yourself at an even higher risk, due to being homosexual.  It's just an unfortunate fact.

The discussion needs to happen very very soon, don't put this off.
I agree with the above ladies.  You really must tell him.  You aren't going to feel good with this type of secret that you've been treated for this recently.  I realize this may bring up difficult discussion as to how you contracted it and may cause the relationship to go into a different direction but it is his health you are speaking of and he has a right to know his is at risk.  Please do the right thing and tell him.  Just take a deep breath and launch the conversation.  good luck
If you had Gono and had unprotected sex with your partner prior to your treatment then he needs to be tested as well. If you care for him you must tell him now.
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