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How do you forget someone?
It's been a while since I've posted on here but some of you may remember my story. I won't go into it all in detail but let's just say I was unfaithful to my husband a couple years ago and came clean and I promised never to contact the other man again. My problem now is, I can't stop thinking about him. Day and night, no matter what I am doing to keep myself busy, I can't get him out of my head. At first it was a casual thing with him because I was unhappy in my marriage (which I still am for the most part) but it got kind of serious towards the end. At one point I even considered leaving my husband but decided not to for the kids' sake (and my own stability). Even when things are good with me and my husband, I still think about contacting this other man. I always wonder where he is, what he's doing, what might have been, etc. How do I get my mind off of him? It's making me depressed and anxious all the time and I can hardly take it any more. Please, any advice would help. Thank you.
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You're probably right. I could turn it around by being nice, and I have before. It's just getting old being the only one putting any effort into this relationship. I don't want this to turn into a discussion about my marriage so I'll leave it at that. I love your advice, though (as always). I'm just wearing thin and I don't know how much more I have in me.
COMMUNITY LEADER
One thing to remember is that your "romantic at heart" side is based on fantasy verses the reality of what it would really be like. Your mind is playing tricks. You can try a little "projection" and project those feelings you so want to have onto your husband. Put yourself in that romance novel and let your husband be the other character. I know you have your difficulties and he is not behaving in such a way to deserve that leading role right now . . . but if you act a certain way, he may follow.
I will tell you this little personal thing about me. My husband had ticked me off royally. Royally. I mean royally. I was so mad at him I was spitting nails. The sight of him made me want to scream "I hate you" (oh, don't judge me. We all have been super mad at our spouse before, right? I didn't really hate him, I was just hopping mad.) It was hard for me to look at him. And . . . we were getting ready to go on our vacation. Ugh. I really didn't want to have marital problems. I hated that. But right before that trip, every time I tried to resolve what we were mad at each other about, it caused more tension and fighting. I was not only mad, but really sad about the whole thing because I too want to be the leading lady in a romance novel with prince charming beside me!! So, when we pulled out of the drive way for that trip, I took a deep breath. I stuffed my unresolved anger inside and said this IS going to be a fun trip even if it kills me! And I shined on the happy mood. I was sweet to him. I waited on him hand and foot. I treated him like a king. And do you know what------------ I'm not kidding about this. After about a day and a half---------- I wasn't mad anymore. And he started treating me really well in return. And we had an awesome vacation. And as we were getting along, we talked about the problem before vacation that had us both so upset and . . .resolved it.
So, my point is this------------ we CAN make life into what we want it to be sometimes. If you want a happy marriage--------------- start being a happy wife.
Now I know you have a long history with your husband and much of it has been troubled. My simplistic advice is probably annoying to you and yes, it may not work. But I still give it because I have seen it work for people. With my own two eyes. Not only myself in that one case I wrote of but other couples with severe marital problems. It takes one person to start a better cycle in a marriage. (I say this as I don't know about this---------the one caveat is if alcoholism or drug abuse is going on. That throws a monkey wrench into everything.)
Okay, I'll stop rambling. But try to redirect your thoughts and see if that helps. good luck
I will tell you this little personal thing about me. My husband had ticked me off royally. Royally. I mean royally. I was so mad at him I was spitting nails. The sight of him made me want to scream "I hate you" (oh, don't judge me. We all have been super mad at our spouse before, right? I didn't really hate him, I was just hopping mad.) It was hard for me to look at him. And . . . we were getting ready to go on our vacation. Ugh. I really didn't want to have marital problems. I hated that. But right before that trip, every time I tried to resolve what we were mad at each other about, it caused more tension and fighting. I was not only mad, but really sad about the whole thing because I too want to be the leading lady in a romance novel with prince charming beside me!! So, when we pulled out of the drive way for that trip, I took a deep breath. I stuffed my unresolved anger inside and said this IS going to be a fun trip even if it kills me! And I shined on the happy mood. I was sweet to him. I waited on him hand and foot. I treated him like a king. And do you know what------------ I'm not kidding about this. After about a day and a half---------- I wasn't mad anymore. And he started treating me really well in return. And we had an awesome vacation. And as we were getting along, we talked about the problem before vacation that had us both so upset and . . .resolved it.
So, my point is this------------ we CAN make life into what we want it to be sometimes. If you want a happy marriage--------------- start being a happy wife.
Now I know you have a long history with your husband and much of it has been troubled. My simplistic advice is probably annoying to you and yes, it may not work. But I still give it because I have seen it work for people. With my own two eyes. Not only myself in that one case I wrote of but other couples with severe marital problems. It takes one person to start a better cycle in a marriage. (I say this as I don't know about this---------the one caveat is if alcoholism or drug abuse is going on. That throws a monkey wrench into everything.)
Okay, I'll stop rambling. But try to redirect your thoughts and see if that helps. good luck
I know I sound like a selfish horrible person, but trust me, unless you're in my shoes you'll never understand. I'm a romantic so when I feel this way, I can't help but think that it was meant to be. Thanks for the advice, though. Easier said than done.
Thanks for the advice. I especially like the one about writing love notes to my kids. :)
Kinda hard to want to be nice to my husband right now when he's treating me the way he is. Like I said though, things could be perfect between me and him and my mind still wanders.
Kinda hard to want to be nice to my husband right now when he's treating me the way he is. Like I said though, things could be perfect between me and him and my mind still wanders.
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So, what do you do? Well, every time you think of him----------- you write a love note to your husband. Or you write a love note to your kids. Yes, they'll get tons of love notes------ but you are redirecting your attention to where it should be. Or, every time you think about him and let your mind drift, you have the discipline to have a consequence for it. You have to put 5 bucks in a jar and that money goes for a present for your husband.
And play a mind game on yourself. Every time you think of the other guy, muster up disgust for yourself for being so disloyal to your husband who kept you even after you betrayed him.
Make a list of the flaws of this other man-------- make the list as long as possible and put anything or anything on it. Read it whenever you think of him. Put a picture of your kids on the page with it.
Reality is that not much would have come out of a relationship with this other man. The percentage of unions that start through infidelity that fail are astronomical. It was doomed. Also picturing him happy and moved on will help you focus your attention on your real life.
Do something extra special once a week for your husband. You have to think of something new each week and be creative. He'll love it and you'll fill up some of the thinking power of your brain on helping your marriage. Less time to think about some guy who almost ruined your life.
And work on the issues in your marriage. Make it better so you don't want to think about anyone else.
Just some ideas. good luck