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676032 tn?1315674063

How do you forgive?

So if a boyfriend cheated an a lot of hurt happened, and the relationship is finished now how do you forgive???

Is that the only way to get rid of anxiety!

I call it hatetrid, anger, resentment!

Do I need to forgive my ex and the person he slept/cheated with???

Then how does a person build up her confidence and self esteem??
39 Responses
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676032 tn?1315674063
your prob right! I try not think about him during the day which works! But the dream last night brought it all back! I know how much I miss him and just the thoughts of him being with another girl is like getting a knife through the heart! I hate myself for dweling and being a nusense to ye all! Just wish I could get amnisha and not remember the past year!!!!
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
There have been a bunch of posts about dreams and exes.  When we are awake we can suppress those thoughts that we wish to not have, however, when we are asleep we can not control our subconscious.  So you are thinking about him but only when you sleep.  Its going to take a while before you are able to move forward and that includes your dreams.  It will feel real and there will be moments where you can't stop dreaming of him but in time it will get easier.
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676032 tn?1315674063
I had a weird upsetting dream last night! I don't know what it means, so was hoping ye could give a bit of insight :-)

So, The dream:
I was driving round with my friends (now to me awake I dont know where we were but in the dream i did). We went to a pizza hut and John was inside with another girl. They weren't together but knew eachother. Me and john got a bit angry with eachother and I ended up pushing him. In the dream though there was so much I missed, like he had his jeep (which has been scrapped with ages we used always drive around in it). So we continued to fight and argue next thing I know he wants to kiss me and get back together i said no and he leaned in for a kiss... Then I woke up, looked at my clock and it was 4am... I started crying and coudn't sleep for ages! It just seemed so real! its in my head all day! I dont understand whats going on in my head! Are these dreams normal?? do they mean anyhting??
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676032 tn?1315674063
Thanks so much for all of the GREAT advise and lovely comments! I just need to be patient and no doubt ye'll prob see some more desperate posts from me, but ye are a big help and put my mind at ease about it all!

Was in with the girlies tonight abd had a great laugh, best in a long time.... So Il keep doing that and stuff!

Thank ye all from the bottom of my heart!!!

Jen xx
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Avatar universal
I think you got some really good advise frome people who have experienced heartbreak and pain. It' very difficult and we are here to just chat with you when you are having a "moment".....hugs.
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940642 tn?1336063511
Hi there Jen,

Hope you are getting better and have fun with the girlies!

I think I'll wade into this conversation and say that I agree with mami.  "Once a cheater always a cheater" is not necessarily true.

And I agree with Judy that by hanging on to anger and not fogiving you are only hurting and poisoning yourself.  You dont have to forget, and you dont have to let it happen to you ever again, but in time you should try to forgive.

Take care.
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145992 tn?1341345074
I don't agree with once a cheater always a cheater either.  I think some people learn from certain experiences.  But 2 months, even though seems like a long time, it really isn't that long.  Light that fire girl....lol.
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676032 tn?1315674063
No it made sense, Not everyone who cheats do it all the time, sure I know that!! When he told me he cheated I was like what the he!!, and when I got angry when I thought about it I "I dont care, il cheat on him"... Revenge, just couldn't do it! Even though on nights out I had fellas chattin me up and stuff I always said sorry I have a bf!

I know what yer all sayin, it takes time! Im expectin a quick fix by being out of the relationship! Was hoping the be ok after a few weeks but sure its nearly 2 months now and I dont feel any different!

And you'll never guess what, I was reading our local outlook and was flicking through the pics and low and be hold her ugly head is in it! I still see red when I see her! Needless to say that page will be used to light the fire LOL!
Helpful - 0
756668 tn?1287225387
I agree with mami alot on this subject..you cannot force forgiveness.  Time is the key here.  Will it get rid of all the anxiety...depends if that is where your anxiety is coming from..and then it all depends. It might just go away and it might not. But you can start telling yourself, you are not the one who cheated here and there is nothing wrong with you. He went out and did that, no one forced him too it was his own choice. Although we fall in love and believe that our mate loves us back the same...sometimes that is not how it happens.  

One thing I beg to differ with is the nasty old statement..."Once a cheater always a cheater."  NOT TRUE. Only reason I say this is because I have cheated on someone I was in a 9 yr relationship with and YES I looked him in the eye each and every day and told him how much I loved him. but I cheated....not  because there was something "wrong" with him, but there was something missing for me.  I gained nothing from cheating on him, I only lost myself but I also found myself at the same time. Yes our relationship ended and even though I did what I did..I thought I would never be the same. 9 yrs with the same person...but I did survive and did learn alot of why I did what I had done. I truly was not in love with him.  I was looking for something and thought the other man had it. but all along it was me not my mate, nor the man I had the affair with. I forgave myself first. I am human, and we all make mistakes.  Sometimes those mistakes hurts others in the process but we don't think about that in the moment. You will trust again...but it takes time.  For some they recoup quicker than others. I just knew that for me I didn't want another relationship..not for some time. I needed time for me.  I was not happy....because if I was I would have never strayed. I learned that just because 2 people are in a relationship it doesn't mean it will last forever..there is no law that states that. You have to respect one another, listen to one another, be there for each other. But in our relationship that was not the case.  He gave more importance to his friends and the 'Social circle", so I found it quite easy to throw the blame on him and that is why I did what I did. But in the long run..I have never cheated again.  because I did find someone I truly fell in love with, someone worth keeping and caring for. Someone who believes in me and allows me to be myself.  

I could go on and on....but you have to forgive yourself for taking blame for his actions.  You are young and beautiful and some man will see that and love you unconditionally.  As for the other woman, let it go....hatred is an ugly monster and in the end will only consume you...not her!  Because if it did she would have never slept with him. You don't have to forgive him nor her..let it go and love yourself. When we are happy and love our selves it makes it so much healthier to be in a relationship.  Nothing you can do will turn back time...don't even start thinking..if only I had done this, if only I had that, etc.  

begin a new chapter on loving yourself and you will find that one true love..someone who is going to love you back...someone you can trust!  

It is hard but you can do it.  You have to heal and there is no speeding up the process.  You can let go and let go of the past! Live in the now.....you are going to be okay!!!!  

Some of this might not make sense, but this is coming from the other person..the one who cheated...and it hurts us too.  If it doesn't make sense forgive me..it is sooo early here.

Hugs
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Avatar universal
I agree & hope you start to move forward and feel better :)
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676032 tn?1315674063
Thanks, That made me feel better! just so sick of feeling sorry for myself! The anxiety Im experiencing is desperate and I dont know what its down to :-(

I read this the other day

" A person who is always looking back never moves forward"

Makes a lot of sense I think!
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Avatar universal
I applaud your courage too. There is nothing worse than being in a state of heartbreak. It isolates you from the world and you feel as if you will never be the same. It's a loss that will take time and we have to also grieve our loss, but there is so much hope out there. You will trust again at the right time. You both are going to be alright....one day at a time.
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Avatar universal
Well with all the hurt I went through 14 months later am in a better place then I was, I have accepted what my ex did to me with lies and cheating which changed my life complelty,am not 100% happy yet but in a far better place then I was,i  have trust issues  and cannot get close to somebody again yet,i had counselling for 6 months now and nearly at the end of it, emotionally  i am okay but mentally its taking longer and no time frame for either, the saying ‘time heals’ is so right, it doesn’t help when people gloat what they think you lost and they gained, what i have also learnt is what goes on behind closed doors is another story no matter what united front people show ,i would rather be alone then be with somebody who lies, cheats and treats you badly for their own selfish reasons and i truly believe in Karma.
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145992 tn?1341345074
No problem.  Judy, I'm doing well thanks for asking.  Hope you are as well.  Jennifer, it will take time.  Just keep doing what you are doing and you will be fine.
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676032 tn?1315674063
Thanks mami, saves me doing it lol...  

And Ya of course I loved him, like crazy! He maent the world to me but just didn't treat me right! Jus Im jus trying to figure out how to move on and fast!
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Avatar universal
Thanks Mami, hope your doing well!  I thought he was still with the ex. Thanks.
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145992 tn?1341345074
He isn't with his ex.  He only cheated on Jennifer in the beginning with his ex one time...or so he says.  Jennifer stayed with him and tried to work it out but it didn't work out because in the long run she didn't trust him and developed severe anxiety.  But her ex-bf is not with the girl.  Sorry Jennifer for answering for you.  Just wanted to clear up the confusion.
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Avatar universal
Jennifer, just sit back and watch how this plays out....it's just a matter of time that he's going to dump her.
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Avatar universal
really i am sorry that you had this happen, but i think that you are using the word hate to much hate goes hand in hand with love, and you must have felt that you loved this man, but no one says you have to forgive them. or have they asked you to, this is your choice to get on with your life, or to keep thinking of hateing and angry, of course you are angry i would be also, but i would just go on with my life to prove to them that it does not matter remember your pride, do not let this get you dowm, it is another lesson in life we all learn. it could have been much later down the road after marriage and them what i hope you do not let a man get you down so ;low,. you need therapy, build up your self esteem go out with others and get on with your life and quit thinking of this surely there is more to life than one lousy man. he will also cheat on her  luck  jo
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Avatar universal
It's gonna be very hard to forgive someone for this. Just whatever you do, don't get back together with him. Once a cheater, always a cheater. No, you don't have to forgive your ex and the person he slept with. It's all gonna get better with time.
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Avatar universal
You are welcome and get together with you girlie friends and treat yourself at the shopping mall. Power shopping...it works for me :).
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676032 tn?1315674063
I hope that I won't do that, I know not all men are bad lol.... And ya, Im giving myself a time out...  Dont want to meet a guy while I have this negative experience fresh in my mind!!!

Im going to have time with my friends or girlies as I call them and get back to reality!!

Thanks for all the brill advise!!

Hugs
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Avatar universal
Also, it's ok to give yourself time to heal. I call it "time out" or "quiet time"and do not take out your anger, hurt and all the negative "drama" that has happened either into a new relationship or out there in the world. If the opportunity arises that someone wants to take you out for lunch, dinner or shows interest in you DO NOT see him with eyes of someone who has been betrayed. Who knows, maybe it happened to him too. Maybe that would be conversation that you both mutually share, so please don't take your anger on innocent people that have no idea what you are going thru. Hugs...Judy
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145992 tn?1341345074
I would give yourself time to heal first.  Although, I'm sure it would be a nice distraction.  I'm the type who takes my time moving from one relationship to the next.  Only because I need to get to know myself first and need time to heal.  It never distracts me, it only reminds me of that person with whom I would rather be with.  So if I'm over the relationship drama first, I'm more open to meeting and getting to know new people.
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