How do you get over your husband cheating

[April1113]

I found out in July that my husband had been cheating on me with some 20 year old girl.  We have an 8 mnth old son and he has a 6 year old son that I have had a hand in raising since he was 2.  I decided to stay with him for the kids sake and because I love my husband.  I thought it would be easy to get over but things keep coming up.  I keep digging of course, because I dont know how to stop because it is all I think about and I have found out just how much he lied to me AFTER being cought.  I am having a really hard time dealing with all of it.  The lying has hurt me worse then the affair and I am getting to the point were the more I find out the more I hate him.  Is there any way to move on from this.

[mami1323]

Hi Kat, I'm so sorry that you are hurting.  I know the pain all too well.  My first recommendation would be is to take some time for yourself to really figure out what you want to do with the marriage.  Him confessing after all this time to me says that his guilt has been eating away at him for many many years.  Although, honestly, I feel like him telling you was a way to obsolve his inner pain and now he pushed it onto you.  That was not cool.  He should've taken that to his grave.  I only say that because now you have to go through heartbreak over something that happened 12 years ago.  Very selfish on his part.  But there's no point in discussing why he told you.  Now you have to pick up the pieces of that.  I don't think you have to make a decision just yet.  I highly recommend getting a counselor.  Even if it is just for yourself.  Your emotions will be on a rollercoaster ride for a very long time and having a third party is extremely helpful.  What I told my husband when I found out was that I will look into counseling but would not make any promises on the future of our relationship.  Good luck and please do not hesitate to reach out to me.  

[Kat41479]

Just found out my husband of 14 years had an affair 12 years ago. He just confessed to he after 12 years. We have two children. He blamed me and accused me for years of cheating when he was the one being unfaithful. He tried to accuse me of having an affair when we had our youngest daughter. He told he it wasn't his child. Later he realized it was his child. He has lied so many times over the years. I don't know how to trust or believe him. I don't know how to forgive him or if I can. I feel like my whole marriage has been a lie. What do I do?

[mami1323]

I think most of you know my story and where I'm at today in my relationship.  My son is now almost 4 years old and Richie and I are still together.  It's been 3 years since the affair happened.  The other woman has since up and left New York City and is now living in North Carolina.  Which doesn't matter anyway because she was out of our lives years ago.  Although, I still do feel more comfortable knowing she's not around though.  Anyway, him and I are doing great.  Very much in love and trust has been somewhat rebuilt.  Why I say somewhat is because I don't think it will ever come back 100% but it's back enough for me not to constantly freak out or worry.  Life is too short for that.  Him and I celebrated our 8 year anniversary in June and we are looking to expand our family in the next year or so.  Hopefully he has learned a valuable lesson but I also know I can't control him.  If he decides our relationship isn't what he wants it to be, he knows where the door is.  But I think he's happy, he tells me he is and he shows me the love and affection that I always longed for.  We have our ups and downs but not anything like we had 3 years ago.  I hope everyone finds happiness in whatever choices they make in their lives.  Affairs are painful and hard to get past but it can be done.  I'm living proof of that.

[brice1967]

Hey sammy, I've read and commented on your story on this or perhaps another thread.  I do admire the effort you put into trying to find resolution.  Unfortunately/fortunately... the split ended up being that resolution, but at least you know that you gave it your all.

I truly admire you for that.

[sammy73]

After 3 years of major problems in my marriage, and with my wife continually cheating (and with several different people), I decided enough was enough and called an end to it.
I have now moved into my own home; she and I are still on reasonably good terms and share parenting duties fairly evenly.  I have got a great new girlfriend, and mostly life is pretty good for me now!
Nevertheless, I still don't regret the time I spent trying to fix my marriage.  If I hadn't spent so long, and tried so hard, I might still now look back and think "if I'd just tried this / tried that / tried a bit harder then maybe it could have been saved".  I now know for sure that nothing could have saved that marriage, and moving on had to be the right decision.

[brice1967]

When you say you cheated back, does that mean you had an affair/fling or that you had a couple of drinks?

By the way, thanks for the reply...  :)

[Buniiebaybii]

Its been 3 almost 4 years since my husband cheated. Im going to be totally honest to you. Things have gotten better but deep down in my heart its not the same anymore. He works so hard to assure me that it would never happen again. Hes a wonderful husband. But I also pretend its all okay. We have come a long way from that year. He refuses to go any where with out me. And tries extra hard to keep my mind off it. But its always on my mind that he promised me the world and a year later he was gone. I'm absolutely happy he quit drinking because that had alot to do with it. I actually cheated back and thats no way to fix anything.. All I know is that he is so amazing now. And glad my marriage is okay. But a lady never forgets and it will always be in the back of my mind. I just dont let it get to me. And focus on my kids and the new baby to come. It will all be okay.

[brice1967]

I know this is years late, but where is everyone now in their recovery or in moving on?

[debraa]

I do understand your pain. I was married for 25 years to a man whom was an alcoholic. I guess I was in denial. I was very sick and almost died, this man wouldnt even take me to the hospital. I was a good wife to him, supported him in every way. I was shocked when he decided to talk to the neighbor and try to make dates with her. This was in front of me. After she told him he was discusting he turned to an Ex Meth Addict. He would come home and tell me about her oral sex with other people. I was just sick and told him this is out of control and wanted it to stop. I started checking his text message activity and for months while I was at work he was with her.  I did have a police officer in the area check things out and he confirmed everything. She is 25, he is 54. She has black teeth is heavy set and very dirty. I am 5"4 130 LBS, blonde. My home was clean, he had dinner everyday, the house was clean he did nothing except mow the law. The day I found out I told him to leave, filed for a divorce and here I am a year later. I think about him every day and still love him very much, however the things this man has done to me I just can not handle. I deserve better than the rotten mouth, the negitivity and the blame. He has never been a good partner. I have always been there when he was sick, when someone died, when he needed help. I feel I was his best friend. No one else can stand him for any length of time. He has never been there for me in sickness, when my mom died, when our son was in the hospital. Always an excuse. Now he said I hurt him and he will never speak to me again..Well thats Ok with me. I need someone in my life I can trust and depend on, not some shmuck that takes advantage. I never believed in divorce, but the infidelity was all I could take. This happened 5 times, however this was the 1st time I could prove it. I do wish you all the luck in the world. I do know for any of you woman who takes an ex-cheater back are crazy. You all are beautiful, wonderful woman who deserve a hell of alot more than a broken relationship with disrespect. The marriage will be forever broken. God Bless you All. I do wish you all the luck. I still believe once a cheat always a cheat.

[mami1323]

So he wants to keep his mistress and pretend when he goes off to see her that it's a mini vacation?  Well I would say that if you're unhappy and you KNOW you can't live like that, then yes, get out of this marriage.  Being together 27 years is a long time but it doesn't matter how long it is when you know in your heart that it's not right.  There is so much life to live and if he's living his then you have every right to live yours and find happiness.  

[cocochennel]

My hub rented his sweety an apt for 3 mths and they lived together and I was told to see it as a vac that I never had,but been married for 27 yrs. He did this b4 @ 16 yrs and my 2 sons were young then I wanted them to always have their father. U r right he thinks I should just forget it and get on with our lives,but the thing is this time it is dif I can not just get over it anymore it hurts way to much just bc I was tied down with my kids b4 but, not anymore.pls any comments greatly appriciated. I am very loyal,loving,generous person.

[depressedwife37]

ive been reading all the post on here and i think you all have really helped me i just found out that my husband was texting some girl and i found a email from him to her we are working things out and i hope for the best i love him very much we have been together for 18 years and have two kids together. but yes it is very hard to stop thinking about it like someone said on here they hide there feelings when he is home i do the same thing and when he or the kids are not here i cry my freaking eyes out and sometimes i want to punch the wall

[dodgegirl1999]

i am dealing with the same thing girl and i feel your pain its so hard to trust again.

[mami1323]

Some people can and some can't.  I think serial cheating makes it impossible to move forward because you know when he says it won't happen again, deep down it will.  I commend you for accepting that you can't live this way anymore and are ready to move on.  I understand that constant phobia, I had it for a long time as well.  Always wondering if he was still doing it.  I drove myself nuts.  Eventually I told myself I couldn't control his actions and I refuse to let it take over my life.  He couldn't live under a constant microscope and I couldn't always be this master detective.  It took too much energy and the focus I should've had on my son was on watching my fiance's every move.  I've come to a better place but I still have that guard that I think I will always have.  Good luck to you.

[hedirox]

My husband cheated on me many times before i found out, which was in 2006 and I am still not over it. I guess he is what they call a serial cheater.  I think about it all the time, there are so many things that trigger it. So after 4 years of trying to work it out, I have just come to the conclusion I can't live like this anymore. The trust is gone. I feel so betrayed. If he loved me how could he do this to me and our kids?. I live in constant paranoia thinking at any time he could do it again. His job makes it so easy for him to do it and so hard for me to find out. He has a work phone, work truck, flexible hours.

Good luck to all of you who can put this behind you but for me, I just can't no matter how hard I try.

[mami1323]

I think if your husband is truly sorry he will do whatever it takes to prove it to you.  I feel that he should be the one coming to you and begging you for another chance, not the other way around.  Although I know how you are feeling.  You want to hate them but you still have love for them.  When I had decided to work through the affair it was because my fiance was determined to make it right again.  He wanted counseling, he wanted to keep his family, so it was important that we pursued the counseling.  Would that be an option for you and your husband?  

[benniet3]

i am new to this site...i found out in January that my husband has been cheating with ex-wife, an old girlfriend, and a friend of ours.  Of course he denied it, but I told him you don't talk on the phone to 3 different women when I leave to go to work for 30-45 minutes a day, 3 to 4 x a day, and not consider it an affair.  He said he only talked to them....********!  He thinks I am crazy.  I found the extra cell phone in the barn, text messages, etc.  Needless to say, we tried to work it out cause I really love him.  It didn't work.  We are separated and in process of getting a divorce.  We still are stll civil to each other and talk on the phone occasionally, mostly by text...lol.  The funny part is, no of the other 3 know about each other.  They all think they are the "only" one, as I did.  Bad part is, I really miss him and still want to work things out.  I just don't know how that I would ever trust him again.  He hasn't said he wants to to try again, but when i do text him....I always tell him that I would like to try again.  Maybe I am crazy.  Do you think by making myself to available to him, that I am fighting a losing battle.  I think sometimes, that if I just shut him out completely, he will see the light and want to try.....i don't know.....I just know that he hurt me bad and I had a mental break down when I found out, yet the love I feel for him is still there......Has anyone else ever felt this way?  By the way, the ex-wife is married and did not leave husband.....and I told her husband.....the friend is a drunk....and the old girlfriend is a cheap *** barwhore that he use to screw around with when married to the other one......

[lor662]

Im going through the same thing,,i have learned for me anyway,,you never forget an affair,,its always there,,trust is broke period,,i stayed,am glad i gave myself that because at first its a shock and if you leave you will always wonder what ifs,,but as time passes you see ,,and you either stay or go,,and your feelings could change for him or her,and you are prepared emotionaly,and financialy,,you realize your realationship is not what you fooled yourself into,,how could it be,,they cheated,,for what-ever reason,,but there is a reason,,YA THEY ALWAYS SAY IT WAS A MISTAKE,i have come to realize that haveing an affair is no mistake its an excuse,,most likley cause they got caught,,is screwing over and over a mistake kissing ,haveing conversations extra cell phones you dont know about,,spending your money you work hard for and compromise things you want to give to our children,,remembering giving up that hair appointment so you can send your kids to the movies with their friends,,while they buy phone cards and gifts like there big shots and new clothes they keep at there ****** place,,doesnt sound like a mistake,,there only mistake is getting caught because they want there cake and eat it at there misstresses house,,but hey thats just me

[2boys1princess]

hi, sorry to bring this back, but i just read your post. But, that’s the same question I’ve been asking myself for a long time now.
i just wanted to tell you that i know exactly how you feel... my husband cheated exactly a year ago. i'm still w/ him, but at time i question myself why. the children? we have three kids. the time we've been together? almost 13 years. i don’t know…
I found out around this time exactly a year ago. He came clean, he told me everything, we “worked it out”, but I can’t forget about it, or forgive him for that matter. I get mad every time he doesn’t answer his phone, when he come home late, I question everything he does. Until this day I can’t put our relationship back to where it was before all this mess started. And I wonder if I’ll ever be able to. We’ve talked about it so many times, he swears he regrets everything he’s done and will never do it again. Do I believe him? I don’t know… at times I do, but when he doesn’t answer or comes home late, I panic and know for sure that he’s doing it again. I get mad at him for acting like nothing’s happened, I get mad when he’s happy, I get mad that he doesn’t ask me how I’m doing. I thought I was going to be able to handle it and it’s been a whole year and I’m still trying to deal w/ it. I still check his phone messages, I still keep time when he “should” be home after work, I can’t stop doing it. I don’t know how much longer it’ll be before I can “let it go”, all I know that it’s still very fresh in my mind.
It’s been so unbelievably hard and painful and I guess I didn’t answer your initial question, but I at least wanted to tell you to be prepared to “deal” with it for a long time, it’s taken me much longer than I thought. I don’t know if I’m ever going to get over it…

[mami1323]

I know exactly how you feel.  It's been about a month and a half since I found out about my fiance and still I bring it up, still the thoughts consume me.  He gets so irritated, like lets' move past this.  Can't we just move forward?  They just don't understand how it feels.  The trust is gone, the constant worry that they will do it again.  Questioning ourselves, like if we've made the right decision to stay and work it out.  It's terrible and it's a struggle to pretend like everything is ok when it's clearly not.  I think it just takes time but they need to be understanding as well.  They want to move on but it's a lot harder then that.  At least it's comforting to know that there are others who are going through similar issues and are feeling the same way.  We are not crazy.

[funnygirl1978]

I want to tell you that what you RBGOS wrote is exactly how i feel... I found out a few weeks ago that my sig other had cheated on me.... He wants everything to be magically better and forget what happened and move on... i still have days that it actually takes over my thoughts and i can't think about anything else... He gave me the third degree last night because i'm not being my old self and joking around with him.... i'm still hurt and upset... i feel that he needs to prove to me he's going to be honest and faithful... i shouldn't be the one who gets the third degree... i guess i just feel like he should be trying harder instead of griping at me that i'm not being my old self....

[sammy73]

I'm with mami on this one (as she already knows!).  Different people have different reactions; some cannot forgive, or ever manage to live with a partner who has cheated.  Some are prepared to try again, to rebuild the relationship, but in the full knowledge that the attempt may be futile.  Some may find the pain of trying to rebuild, and risking it still all falling apart, too much to handle, and I can absolutely sympathise with that.

There are too many factors to say why some relationships can have another go, and others will never recover.  It's too much of a generalisation to make a glib statement like "once a cheater, always a cheater.".  I guess the presence of children, especially younger ones, is a big factor in some cases.  There certainly are plenty of success stories out there about couples who have been able to rebuild their relationship after an affair to show that it is possible, and to give hope to those of us trying to do that.

April, it sounds like you do want to give your relationship another shot - good for you.  I know how hard it is, and how what has happened can nag at you constantly and tear you apart at times.  Hang in there, you are not the only one going through this!  Finding others on this site going through similar situations has given me strength.

As others have said, even if it is nagging at you constantly, you need to restrict how much you bring up discussions about it with your husband.  If you are constantly going on about it, you could drive him away, and right now that could very easily happen.  Ideally you could restrict discussions of what happened to weekly counselling sessions if you are doing those (I'd recommend it).  If you are not in joint counselling, I'd still recommend not bringing the subject up more than once or twice a week.

This isn't really very fair on you, and right now you don't owe him any favours.  BUT if you want this relationship to recover this is a time you have to put aside any issues of what's fair, and concentrate on what is or is not likely to result in a successful outcome.

[blessedmomof3]

The good thing is that he is willing to awnser your questions. That's a sign that he is truely remorseful. So, from there you have to decide once and for all. If you decide to stay then you have to make up your mind that you made that choice and you have to forgive. Counseling can help. I know it is hard, but if you have decided to stay you cannot make him miserable for it. He needs to know he hurt you and it will take time, but I think the more you talk the easier it will get. Not talk about the affair, but just about your feelings. You need to tell him how you feel, and he needs to tell you how he feels as well. That's where the healing will start.

[mami1323]

Well I was pregnant when it started and she knew about us.  That's a complete wh*re to me.  But she can't be blamed, he should be.  They are the ones that are in the relationship with us BH.  They need to respect it.  The only advice I can give to any woman is go with your gut.  If something is telling you that it's not right, then it usually isn't.  There is more traumatizing things that happened to him in his past that molded him as well.  I won't get into it because it's his business but he didn't have a great upbringing.  He fought his whole life and so yes, I am the best thing he's ever had.  Why he would choose to destroy it is beyond me.  That's something we will have to figure out.

As for your situation, watch him, watch him like a hawk.  Only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate.  If my fiance has any slight slip up, could be the smallest fraction of a slip up, it's done with.  I am unable to forgive anymore then I have.  I have nothing left in me and I have no more tolerance so as long as they are aware of the consequences and we only give them that ONE chance then it's really up to them to make it right.  I only hand out ONE mistake card, after that, it's done with.  Now I can see why you don't put up with the porno stuff, there is so much more going on there than just that.  I wish you luck BH and your fiance is lucky to have you as well.