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How do you get over your husband cheating
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How do you get over your husband cheating

I found out in July that my husband had been cheating on me with some 20 year old girl.  We have an 8 mnth old son and he has a 6 year old son that I have had a hand in raising since he was 2.  I decided to stay with him for the kids sake and because I love my husband.  I thought it would be easy to get over but things keep coming up.  I keep digging of course, because I dont know how to stop because it is all I think about and I have found out just how much he lied to me AFTER being cought.  I am having a really hard time dealing with all of it.  The lying has hurt me worse then the affair and I am getting to the point were the more I find out the more I hate him.  Is there any way to move on from this.
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145992_tn?1341348674
April, I just found out a few weeks ago that my fiance has been cheating on me for a year and a half.  We have a 9 1/2 month old some together.  I feel the exact thing you are feeling.  I'm wondering how to get passed it as well.  We are in couples counseling trying to work through it.  I think if it weren't for that I would not be able to do it and it's still hard to swallow.  Your husband needs to feel regret, he needs to be honest from this day forward.  If he can't then I don't think you will be able to forgive.  I feel your pain I do, I have major meltdowns daily.  When I'm with him, I fake my feelings.  I think about it constantly and when we are together I pretend to be ok and really I'm not.  I think time heals all wounds but as long as your husband is remorseful and willing to work hard to make your marriage work then it can be done.  I would look into counseling though.  You can talk with me privately if you would like.
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Absolutely agree.  Seeing that I'm in counseling now, we share a lot of uncomfortable conversations regarding the affair.  He did it because I was not paying attention to him...poor baby.  Anyway, she gave him attention, listened to his problems, blah blah blah.  So my therapist says we need to bring the 2 of us back together again so that we can fix what was broke and to make sure this never happens again.  She's having him sign a loyalty contract.  She says there is no point to even pursuing therapy if he's cheating or ever will think of cheating again.  So he will sign it and abide by it.  That is why I can see what you are saying.  Hope this helps you a little April.
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Avatar_m_tn
I am so sorry that all of you have to go through this.  Trust is such a fragile thing easily broken and nearly impossible to put back together.  It also is a very selfish act as it affects so many people.  There is no reason to cheat.  My heart goes out to you all...
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285848_tn?1219095913
My boyfriend once told my best friend that he wanted to kiss her. I was at work and he had the day off. She lived with me and he was over there waiting for me to get home. When I got home he wasn't there. A week later she approached me saying she needed to tell me something. He was on his way over while she told me that he kissed her..it wasn't anything big but she said I needed to know. I was in tears when he walked around the corner. I got up and went into the house (this was in the backyard) and I could hear him ask her what was going on and if he should leave. She was smart and said no I think you should talk to her. They both apologized immensely after I threatened to leave him and kick her out of my house. For some reason I was more mad at her for letting him do it, then him doing it...but then it turned to him doing it after a couple of days. To this day I still don't trust him 100% but its almost back to normal. This was about 2 years ago. Some reason I decided that I could forgive him because we all agreed that it was a lapse in judgement and I love these people enough to not kick them out of my life. I know he would never hurt me like that again...You never know if you should forgive them or how to, you just do so and it takes so much time.

You can't focus of forgiving him. You just need to work on your trust and make him aware that he needs to really show you that he's sorry and hope that it works...which it may not. As for the lying thing...I think everyone does it at some point in their lives. What exactly has he lied about? If its the cheating was it to protect himself or your feelings? Cheating is an awful thing that I wouldn't even consider! You wonder how you can put so much effort into something to have them blow it up in your face huh? Its not that hard to stay faithful and truthful...they come hand in hand. Do you think he can stop? Or do you just want to believe he can stop? Have you had a long hard talk about him lying to you and how it makes you feel?
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi April,

I recently found out that my wife had been cheating on me for the best part of a year.  I know the pain and problems you are feeling, and I agree with the advice above.  You need him to be TOTALLY open and honest with you if you are going to be able to re-build trust, and joint counselling could be helpful.

One issue that I'm facing, and I suspect is quite common, is that the partner who has cheated, once they've decided to end the affair, just wants to put it behind them and move on in their life.  To them this is history, it's over, and they don't want to deal with it any more.  To you it's the present, because you are still reeling from having only found out recently, you are still struggling with trust issues, you are still tormented by details of what happened, you are still daily realising that another thing you were told is actually a lie.  There are things my wife told me months ago, lies she probably doesn't even remember telling me, that are old history for her, but they are fresh and raw for me because I only just realised that they were lies.

Your husband needs to understand that, just because he has put this affair in his past, that you are not ready to put it in your past yet.  He also needs to be almost over-the-top open and honest with you if your trust is to be rebuilt.  You need to tell him that you need this from him.
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You are so right about them wanted to move forward and us still lingering on to the affair.  My fiance gets frustrated because he wants to forget about it and thinks that I harp on it too much.  He says I bring it up every day.  What he doesn't get is it was so hurtful and I'm not over the pain.  So you hit the nail right on the head with that one.
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180395_tn?1287497597
You know, I am really glad to see a man comment on this situation, so many times people think it is just the men in relationships that cheat.  I think it is important for everyone to know that cheating hurts men and women equally.
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Oh yeah, women cheat just as much.  I think cheating hurts everyone involved.  Even the children.  It's just really sad that people are so selfish.  I wouldn't dare play with anyone's heart like that.  
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His frustrations of you bringing up the affair again and again...cannot compare to the immense pain you must feel.......He deserves to feel bad. You were hurt and have every right to not trust him..but trust yourself to be able to handle it if it happens again.....He needs to show you he can be trustworthy...and with time maybe you can trust him....maybe not...only time will tell. It takes two to try and work it out.....make sure your both in it together to repair your relationship...other wise I think there's no chance. Stay strong. Maybe counceling will help..
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You are so right, he does deserve to feel bad.  Here's the thing, I have to watch myself as well because yes they did wrong, they made a mistake.  They are remorseful and want the relationship to work.  If we keep throwing it in their face then eventually they will get sick of it as well.  It won't help the relationship if we do constantly bring it up.  They will get resentful and will detach themselves again.  You don't want that to happen either.  If we are willing to accept what they did and want to work at it, we have to learn to not throw it in their face constantly or it will never work.  I'm guilty of it as well.  It's hard.
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Avatar_f_tn
this is my opinion a man cheats, because he wants to he likes what he sees and so he cheats, and he does not seem to care about what will happen later, i think they all think they can get by with it also the women cheat for the same reason, i  have been through this, If you think your husband is remorseful and really regrets it forgive him but watch him, and do not bring it up again it will only cause you more pain, if you cant forgive him leave  luck  jo
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I agree that bringing it up over and over again will only make matters worse......it may push him away and land him right back where he was with another woman. Its not easy at all. but I hope you can both get past this as hard as it is. I wish you the very best. Good luck.
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575741_tn?1235673354
All I can say is "once a cheater, always a cheater!!" there's no fixing the damage that has been done...if they have the selfishness in them to only think about themseleves and not their significant other, then there's no use in you putting your efforts and feelings aside to help fix thier so called "mistake"!! If he/she truly loves you, then they would try to work things out with you rather than resorting to another partner in the first place.... Go find someone who deserves you! Quit wasting your time on the person who never thought twice on the damage that they were about to create. You will never regain that trust completely, it will always eat at you in some way or another....go find a GOOD man/woman!!!! Best of luck!
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618162_tn?1227558984
Standing ovation for your bluntness. This is so true, I have watched a few friends hit rock bottom after finding out their significant other has thought the grass was greener on the other side. For anyone that is dealing with a cheating spouse, and decides for what ever reason to stick it out and fight for your relationship. Each time your spouse leaves the house, or has to work late, or can’t account for their whereabouts, and you find yourself, wondering why your bitter, upset, pissed off, teary eyed for no apparent reason, Just remember they just don’t stop cheating they just learn to get better at it after they are caught. This is a grey area that no one recovers from deep down inside, in a nutshell your fighting a losing battle. You only get one chance at life….learn to live it well!
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Honestly, that's a chance everyone takes in any relationship.  So call me stupid and all the other people who try to work on their relationship after infidelity.  I have a son with this man and if we decide to go through counseling to work on our issues then so be it.  I'm the only one who has to live with it.  You can't guarantee fidelity with any relationship, you hope for it but there are no guarantees in life at all.
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Avatar_f_tn
I admire your courage girl, I really do.  I am not strong enough to forgive, or forget.  I would not be able to put it in the past, therefor I could never give a second chance.

What was his reasoning behind being able to betray you for OVER a year?  How could he separate you and his mistress?  Did he admit that he loved her?  

This all scares me to be honest.  My fiance' cheated alot in his past... since he has never cheated on me does the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" apply to our relationship?  I refuse to live in fear.  I am a strong person in that I can leave him and start my life over faster and easier than I could staying and trying to work things out for our little girl.  I don't know which of the two is strongest, but I do know that knowing myself I would not be able to move past the hurt and to trust again.  Never.
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He really doesn't know why.  He said that we were fighting so much that he thought we were going to break up.  He said that she was there to listen to his problems.  My attention was on the baby and not on him and she probably stroked his ego.  I'm sure he had some sort of feelings for her, although he said he didn't love her and I believe he didn't.  When it came down to choosing his family over her, it was a simple answer.  He chose us, he loves us.  Who knows if that saying is true.  Who really knows if the person they are with is actually faithful.  You are taking that chance with whomever you are with.  My friend has a wonderful boyfriend, he did everything for her, loved her to pieces, turned out he was cheating on her for a year.  They have decided to work on the relationship because they have been together for 10 years and are now engaged.  He never seemed like the type to cheat, they never do but it does happen.  What if we do leave them and we start seeing someone else and they cheat on us?  If he made that mistake and is willing to go through extensive counseling with me and work hard on rebuilding this relationship then why shouldn't I give it a chance.  What if he does change?  What if we both learn how to really love each other again?  This is what you learn in counseling.  If he cheats again, then it's over.  They do get caught, eventually you do know.  But what if he doesn't do it again because he knows how damaging it was?  I think my family deserves that chance.  It's definitely not easy, it's not easy either way you go but it's what I have chosen to do.  Some choose to leave and some choose to try and make it work.  How he did it, well his job made it easy for him.  He said he was working later then what he was.  He never spent weekends with her because he was with us but I wasn't stupid either.  I picked up on it right away, just didn't have the proof.  But I recorded everything in my mind and waited for the opportunity to present itself to me and it did.  We will see what happens....like I said no guarantees and no one really knows what they would do unless they were in that situation.  People can so easily say, leave, once a cheater always a cheater.  But when you are actually there in that moment you don't always do what you think you would do.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree.  My heart hurts thinking about actually living through what you are living though right now.. the emotions you must be feeling.  At any point did you feel like you were not worth having to him?  Probably not, you don't seem to be the type to have the feeling of being nonworthy of someone or something.

I am curious about something, how did you feel when he was in the act?  Did he put off any signs or did you find anything that lead you to the point of confronting him?  I am sure it gradually surfaced, and he was probably relieved once it did.  

Did you know the girl?

I'm sorry to ask soo many personal questions Mami.  Maybe it is best for you not to talk about them to me.  Does you therapist tell you to talk about what happened, or try to distract your mind with other things?
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Avatar_f_tn
To be honest, I am asking these things to educate myself.
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I don't mind answering them at all.  It actually helps me to get it off my chest.  It felt horrible, I've done everything I know how to be a great woman to him and so I feel like what more could I have done.  Nothing really.  He even says it has nothing to do with me.  He has a problem thinking he's worthy of my love, of anyone's love.  He was physically abused everyday of his life by his father, he saw his father cheat on his mother all the time and eventually his father left for the other woman.  He has no family values.  He says that he hates life, so he tries to ruin anything that is good in his life.  To me this is something that we are learning in therapy, it didn't just come out right away, it was like pulling teeth because he has a hard time communicating.  I started suspecting little things here and there.  Like him not telling me what time he would be coming home after work, it was always like "late".  He had to be home at around 12:30 am or 1 am because his job closes at 12 am so he knew I would be suspicious.  He started dressing up sometimes and when I would question him he would just say he got bored of wearing the same stuff.  He would turn his cell off at night, take it with him to the bathroom, delete all messages and calls, talk on the phone in the bathroom at night and I would hear him when he thought I was sleeping.  Text message all the time.  Wanting to go out with friends all the time, coming home smelling like liquor.  He used to go to the bathroom all of the time, I guess that's how he could text her if I was around.  His routine just was different.  I just could pick up on it but never had the proof.  My gut told me something was wrong.  I would confront him all the time but he always had a story to back it up.  I wasn't naive at all, I knew it but again I just didn't have the proof.  He got caught because he had gotten caught driving with a suspended license when he had tickets back from 2002 or something.  So he gave my mom his cell phone and when I got home I went through his text messages and there it was.  I called the girl, I didn't know her, but that's how it all went down.  When he called me from central booking I told him that he could go stay with his girlfriend because he was no longer allowed to be in our home.  He called me several times that night crying, begging, pleading.  He wanted his family, he wanted counseling, he wanted to end it with her.  He says he knew he was going to get caught eventually, that day he could've had the cops confiscate the phone but he didn't do it, he wanted everything out in the open.  He was very relieved when it came to light.  No more lies.  No more sneaking around.  He ended it with her immediately.  So that's how it all came about.  Long story isn't it....lol.
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Avatar_f_tn
The whole text messaging error is sickening to me, honestly.  That is how MOST cheaters communicate these days.  I found text messages from my fiance's ex girlfriend on his cellphone that were rather digusting... he laughed at me when I confronted him.  He didn't try to hide anything, he never even tried to delete the sicko messages she sent him.. one even said "rate my F*cking from 1-10" it was like a chain thing she sent out... what a ****.  Anyway, he didn't try to hide his phone from me, but I am a nosey girl.  I count the number of texts that I send him each month, and if the number sent from my phone does not match the messages received on his, I ask questions.  I started doing that AFTER she started texting him.  Sick thing is both her and I were pregnant at the same time!  She was PREGO sending him those stupid texts.

After all you do for him and his kids Mami, I can't believe he would risk losing you over some piece of booty.  I have to believe that he does not have values as he has told you, and I DO believe that men who watched their fathers cheat somehow are affected by it all.  

This is one of the reasons why I believe that porn should not be welcomed in a family home.  Visual stimulation to me is just as bad as if she were right there, right in our bathroom there for him to "pleasure" himself from seeing her body.  Yes, I am still obesseing over the porn in my NEW bathroom.  I HATE IT!  I appreciate the beauty of other people's bodies, and I feel that we all should be able to enjoy the beauty around us, but not at the expense of MY OWN intimacy.    
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Well I was pregnant when it started and she knew about us.  That's a complete wh*re to me.  But she can't be blamed, he should be.  They are the ones that are in the relationship with us BH.  They need to respect it.  The only advice I can give to any woman is go with your gut.  If something is telling you that it's not right, then it usually isn't.  There is more traumatizing things that happened to him in his past that molded him as well.  I won't get into it because it's his business but he didn't have a great upbringing.  He fought his whole life and so yes, I am the best thing he's ever had.  Why he would choose to destroy it is beyond me.  That's something we will have to figure out.

As for your situation, watch him, watch him like a hawk.  Only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate.  If my fiance has any slight slip up, could be the smallest fraction of a slip up, it's done with.  I am unable to forgive anymore then I have.  I have nothing left in me and I have no more tolerance so as long as they are aware of the consequences and we only give them that ONE chance then it's really up to them to make it right.  I only hand out ONE mistake card, after that, it's done with.  Now I can see why you don't put up with the porno stuff, there is so much more going on there than just that.  I wish you luck BH and your fiance is lucky to have you as well.
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353148_tn?1293064764
The good thing is that he is willing to awnser your questions. That's a sign that he is truely remorseful. So, from there you have to decide once and for all. If you decide to stay then you have to make up your mind that you made that choice and you have to forgive. Counseling can help. I know it is hard, but if you have decided to stay you cannot make him miserable for it. He needs to know he hurt you and it will take time, but I think the more you talk the easier it will get. Not talk about the affair, but just about your feelings. You need to tell him how you feel, and he needs to tell you how he feels as well. That's where the healing will start.
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm with mami on this one (as she already knows!).  Different people have different reactions; some cannot forgive, or ever manage to live with a partner who has cheated.  Some are prepared to try again, to rebuild the relationship, but in the full knowledge that the attempt may be futile.  Some may find the pain of trying to rebuild, and risking it still all falling apart, too much to handle, and I can absolutely sympathise with that.

There are too many factors to say why some relationships can have another go, and others will never recover.  It's too much of a generalisation to make a glib statement like "once a cheater, always a cheater.".  I guess the presence of children, especially younger ones, is a big factor in some cases.  There certainly are plenty of success stories out there about couples who have been able to rebuild their relationship after an affair to show that it is possible, and to give hope to those of us trying to do that.

April, it sounds like you do want to give your relationship another shot - good for you.  I know how hard it is, and how what has happened can nag at you constantly and tear you apart at times.  Hang in there, you are not the only one going through this!  Finding others on this site going through similar situations has given me strength.

As others have said, even if it is nagging at you constantly, you need to restrict how much you bring up discussions about it with your husband.  If you are constantly going on about it, you could drive him away, and right now that could very easily happen.  Ideally you could restrict discussions of what happened to weekly counselling sessions if you are doing those (I'd recommend it).  If you are not in joint counselling, I'd still recommend not bringing the subject up more than once or twice a week.

This isn't really very fair on you, and right now you don't owe him any favours.  BUT if you want this relationship to recover this is a time you have to put aside any issues of what's fair, and concentrate on what is or is not likely to result in a successful outcome.
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I want to tell you that what you RBGOS wrote is exactly how i feel... I found out a few weeks ago that my sig other had cheated on me.... He wants everything to be magically better and forget what happened and move on... i still have days that it actually takes over my thoughts and i can't think about anything else... He gave me the third degree last night because i'm not being my old self and joking around with him.... i'm still hurt and upset... i feel that he needs to prove to me he's going to be honest and faithful... i shouldn't be the one who gets the third degree... i guess i just feel like he should be trying harder instead of griping at me that i'm not being my old self....
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I know exactly how you feel.  It's been about a month and a half since I found out about my fiance and still I bring it up, still the thoughts consume me.  He gets so irritated, like lets' move past this.  Can't we just move forward?  They just don't understand how it feels.  The trust is gone, the constant worry that they will do it again.  Questioning ourselves, like if we've made the right decision to stay and work it out.  It's terrible and it's a struggle to pretend like everything is ok when it's clearly not.  I think it just takes time but they need to be understanding as well.  They want to move on but it's a lot harder then that.  At least it's comforting to know that there are others who are going through similar issues and are feeling the same way.  We are not crazy.
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hi, sorry to bring this back, but i just read your post. But, that’s the same question I’ve been asking myself for a long time now.
i just wanted to tell you that i know exactly how you feel... my husband cheated exactly a year ago. i'm still w/ him, but at time i question myself why. the children? we have three kids. the time we've been together? almost 13 years. i don’t know…
I found out around this time exactly a year ago. He came clean, he told me everything, we “worked it out”, but I can’t forget about it, or forgive him for that matter. I get mad every time he doesn’t answer his phone, when he come home late, I question everything he does. Until this day I can’t put our relationship back to where it was before all this mess started. And I wonder if I’ll ever be able to. We’ve talked about it so many times, he swears he regrets everything he’s done and will never do it again. Do I believe him? I don’t know… at times I do, but when he doesn’t answer or comes home late, I panic and know for sure that he’s doing it again. I get mad at him for acting like nothing’s happened, I get mad when he’s happy, I get mad that he doesn’t ask me how I’m doing. I thought I was going to be able to handle it and it’s been a whole year and I’m still trying to deal w/ it. I still check his phone messages, I still keep time when he “should” be home after work, I can’t stop doing it. I don’t know how much longer it’ll be before I can “let it go”, all I know that it’s still very fresh in my mind.
It’s been so unbelievably hard and painful and I guess I didn’t answer your initial question, but I at least wanted to tell you to be prepared to “deal” with it for a long time, it’s taken me much longer than I thought. I don’t know if I’m ever going to get over it…
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Avatar_f_tn
Im going through the same thing,,i have learned for me anyway,,you never forget an affair,,its always there,,trust is broke period,,i stayed,am glad i gave myself that because at first its a shock and if you leave you will always wonder what ifs,,but as time passes you see ,,and you either stay or go,,and your feelings could change for him or her,and you are prepared emotionaly,and financialy,,you realize your realationship is not what you fooled yourself into,,how could it be,,they cheated,,for what-ever reason,,but there is a reason,,YA THEY ALWAYS SAY IT WAS A MISTAKE,i have come to realize that haveing an affair is no mistake its an excuse,,most likley cause they got caught,,is screwing over and over a mistake kissing ,haveing conversations extra cell phones you dont know about,,spending your money you work hard for and compromise things you want to give to our children,,remembering giving up that hair appointment so you can send your kids to the movies with their friends,,while they buy phone cards and gifts like there big shots and new clothes they keep at there ****** place,,doesnt sound like a mistake,,there only mistake is getting caught because they want there cake and eat it at there misstresses house,,but hey thats just me
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Avatar_f_tn
i am new to this site...i found out in January that my husband has been cheating with ex-wife, an old girlfriend, and a friend of ours.  Of course he denied it, but I told him you don't talk on the phone to 3 different women when I leave to go to work for 30-45 minutes a day, 3 to 4 x a day, and not consider it an affair.  He said he only talked to them....********!  He thinks I am crazy.  I found the extra cell phone in the barn, text messages, etc.  Needless to say, we tried to work it out cause I really love him.  It didn't work.  We are separated and in process of getting a divorce.  We still are stll civil to each other and talk on the phone occasionally, mostly by text...lol.  The funny part is, no of the other 3 know about each other.  They all think they are the "only" one, as I did.  Bad part is, I really miss him and still want to work things out.  I just don't know how that I would ever trust him again.  He hasn't said he wants to to try again, but when i do text him....I always tell him that I would like to try again.  Maybe I am crazy.  Do you think by making myself to available to him, that I am fighting a losing battle.  I think sometimes, that if I just shut him out completely, he will see the light and want to try.....i don't know.....I just know that he hurt me bad and I had a mental break down when I found out, yet the love I feel for him is still there......Has anyone else ever felt this way?  By the way, the ex-wife is married and did not leave husband.....and I told her husband.....the friend is a drunk....and the old girlfriend is a cheap *** barwhore that he use to screw around with when married to the other one......
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I think if your husband is truly sorry he will do whatever it takes to prove it to you.  I feel that he should be the one coming to you and begging you for another chance, not the other way around.  Although I know how you are feeling.  You want to hate them but you still have love for them.  When I had decided to work through the affair it was because my fiance was determined to make it right again.  He wanted counseling, he wanted to keep his family, so it was important that we pursued the counseling.  Would that be an option for you and your husband?  
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Avatar_m_tn
My husband cheated on me many times before i found out, which was in 2006 and I am still not over it. I guess he is what they call a serial cheater.  I think about it all the time, there are so many things that trigger it. So after 4 years of trying to work it out, I have just come to the conclusion I can't live like this anymore. The trust is gone. I feel so betrayed. If he loved me how could he do this to me and our kids?. I live in constant paranoia thinking at any time he could do it again. His job makes it so easy for him to do it and so hard for me to find out. He has a work phone, work truck, flexible hours.

Good luck to all of you who can put this behind you but for me, I just can't no matter how hard I try.
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Some people can and some can't.  I think serial cheating makes it impossible to move forward because you know when he says it won't happen again, deep down it will.  I commend you for accepting that you can't live this way anymore and are ready to move on.  I understand that constant phobia, I had it for a long time as well.  Always wondering if he was still doing it.  I drove myself nuts.  Eventually I told myself I couldn't control his actions and I refuse to let it take over my life.  He couldn't live under a constant microscope and I couldn't always be this master detective.  It took too much energy and the focus I should've had on my son was on watching my fiance's every move.  I've come to a better place but I still have that guard that I think I will always have.  Good luck to you.
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i am dealing with the same thing girl and i feel your pain its so hard to trust again.
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ive been reading all the post on here and i think you all have really helped me i just found out that my husband was texting some girl and i found a email from him to her we are working things out and i hope for the best i love him very much we have been together for 18 years and have two kids together. but yes it is very hard to stop thinking about it like someone said on here they hide there feelings when he is home i do the same thing and when he or the kids are not here i cry my freaking eyes out and sometimes i want to punch the wall
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My hub rented his sweety an apt for 3 mths and they lived together and I was told to see it as a vac that I never had,but been married for 27 yrs. He did this b4 @ 16 yrs and my 2 sons were young then I wanted them to always have their father. U r right he thinks I should just forget it and get on with our lives,but the thing is this time it is dif I can not just get over it anymore it hurts way to much just bc I was tied down with my kids b4 but, not anymore.pls any comments greatly appriciated. I am very loyal,loving,generous person.
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145992_tn?1341348674
So he wants to keep his mistress and pretend when he goes off to see her that it's a mini vacation?  Well I would say that if you're unhappy and you KNOW you can't live like that, then yes, get out of this marriage.  Being together 27 years is a long time but it doesn't matter how long it is when you know in your heart that it's not right.  There is so much life to live and if he's living his then you have every right to live yours and find happiness.  
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I do understand your pain. I was married for 25 years to a man whom was an alcoholic. I guess I was in denial. I was very sick and almost died, this man wouldnt even take me to the hospital. I was a good wife to him, supported him in every way. I was shocked when he decided to talk to the neighbor and try to make dates with her. This was in front of me. After she told him he was discusting he turned to an Ex Meth Addict. He would come home and tell me about her oral sex with other people. I was just sick and told him this is out of control and wanted it to stop. I started checking his text message activity and for months while I was at work he was with her.  I did have a police officer in the area check things out and he confirmed everything. She is 25, he is 54. She has black teeth is heavy set and very dirty. I am 5"4 130 LBS, blonde. My home was clean, he had dinner everyday, the house was clean he did nothing except mow the law. The day I found out I told him to leave, filed for a divorce and here I am a year later. I think about him every day and still love him very much, however the things this man has done to me I just can not handle. I deserve better than the rotten mouth, the negitivity and the blame. He has never been a good partner. I have always been there when he was sick, when someone died, when he needed help. I feel I was his best friend. No one else can stand him for any length of time. He has never been there for me in sickness, when my mom died, when our son was in the hospital. Always an excuse. Now he said I hurt him and he will never speak to me again..Well thats Ok with me. I need someone in my life I can trust and depend on, not some shmuck that takes advantage. I never believed in divorce, but the infidelity was all I could take. This happened 5 times, however this was the 1st time I could prove it. I do wish you all the luck in the world. I do know for any of you woman who takes an ex-cheater back are crazy. You all are beautiful, wonderful woman who deserve a hell of alot more than a broken relationship with disrespect. The marriage will be forever broken. God Bless you All. I do wish you all the luck. I still believe once a cheat always a cheat.
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I know this is years late, but where is everyone now in their recovery or in moving on?
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Its been 3 almost 4 years since my husband cheated. Im going to be totally honest to you. Things have gotten better but deep down in my heart its not the same anymore. He works so hard to assure me that it would never happen again. Hes a wonderful husband. But I also pretend its all okay. We have come a long way from that year. He refuses to go any where with out me. And tries extra hard to keep my mind off it. But its always on my mind that he promised me the world and a year later he was gone. I'm absolutely happy he quit drinking because that had alot to do with it. I actually cheated back and thats no way to fix anything.. All I know is that he is so amazing now. And glad my marriage is okay. But a lady never forgets and it will always be in the back of my mind. I just dont let it get to me. And focus on my kids and the new baby to come. It will all be okay.
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When you say you cheated back, does that mean you had an affair/fling or that you had a couple of drinks?

By the way, thanks for the reply...  :)
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After 3 years of major problems in my marriage, and with my wife continually cheating (and with several different people), I decided enough was enough and called an end to it.
I have now moved into my own home; she and I are still on reasonably good terms and share parenting duties fairly evenly.  I have got a great new girlfriend, and mostly life is pretty good for me now!
Nevertheless, I still don't regret the time I spent trying to fix my marriage.  If I hadn't spent so long, and tried so hard, I might still now look back and think "if I'd just tried this / tried that / tried a bit harder then maybe it could have been saved".  I now know for sure that nothing could have saved that marriage, and moving on had to be the right decision.
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Hey sammy, I've read and commented on your story on this or perhaps another thread.  I do admire the effort you put into trying to find resolution.  Unfortunately/fortunately... the split ended up being that resolution, but at least you know that you gave it your all.

I truly admire you for that.
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I think most of you know my story and where I'm at today in my relationship.  My son is now almost 4 years old and Richie and I are still together.  It's been 3 years since the affair happened.  The other woman has since up and left New York City and is now living in North Carolina.  Which doesn't matter anyway because she was out of our lives years ago.  Although, I still do feel more comfortable knowing she's not around though.  Anyway, him and I are doing great.  Very much in love and trust has been somewhat rebuilt.  Why I say somewhat is because I don't think it will ever come back 100% but it's back enough for me not to constantly freak out or worry.  Life is too short for that.  Him and I celebrated our 8 year anniversary in June and we are looking to expand our family in the next year or so.  Hopefully he has learned a valuable lesson but I also know I can't control him.  If he decides our relationship isn't what he wants it to be, he knows where the door is.  But I think he's happy, he tells me he is and he shows me the love and affection that I always longed for.  We have our ups and downs but not anything like we had 3 years ago.  I hope everyone finds happiness in whatever choices they make in their lives.  Affairs are painful and hard to get past but it can be done.  I'm living proof of that.
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Just found out my husband of 14 years had an affair 12 years ago. He just confessed to he after 12 years. We have two children. He blamed me and accused me for years of cheating when he was the one being unfaithful. He tried to accuse me of having an affair when we had our youngest daughter. He told he it wasn't his child. Later he realized it was his child. He has lied so many times over the years. I don't know how to trust or believe him. I don't know how to forgive him or if I can. I feel like my whole marriage has been a lie. What do I do?
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Hi Kat, I'm so sorry that you are hurting.  I know the pain all too well.  My first recommendation would be is to take some time for yourself to really figure out what you want to do with the marriage.  Him confessing after all this time to me says that his guilt has been eating away at him for many many years.  Although, honestly, I feel like him telling you was a way to obsolve his inner pain and now he pushed it onto you.  That was not cool.  He should've taken that to his grave.  I only say that because now you have to go through heartbreak over something that happened 12 years ago.  Very selfish on his part.  But there's no point in discussing why he told you.  Now you have to pick up the pieces of that.  I don't think you have to make a decision just yet.  I highly recommend getting a counselor.  Even if it is just for yourself.  Your emotions will be on a rollercoaster ride for a very long time and having a third party is extremely helpful.  What I told my husband when I found out was that I will look into counseling but would not make any promises on the future of our relationship.  Good luck and please do not hesitate to reach out to me.  
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