Hi there does this sound like a man that is falling out of love.. He tells me he loves me everyday multiple times at that he gives me little kisses here and there. The problem is that we fight constantly 7 years we have been together and we cant stop our bickering.. I dont know why but everytime we fight he says he's done that he loves me but he just cant do it ne more and then i get mad and yell and say whatever i can to make him feel like **** and it always ends with us apologizing to one another and then its over. Another thing is that he goes out everynight we have a 2 year old and i am pregnant with number 2 due in October. Yet he comes home from work, but after stopping by his friends first to smoke a cigg.. then he comes home spends an hour or so with us and then goes out again.. I know that he is not cheating bc if i ever need to call him he is always where he says he is going to be plus all his friends are way to mature to be hanging around young women that i need to worry about.. I just feel so alone like he goes out to get away from me.. He says that he is getting it out of his system before the baby comes and i dont know whether to believe him or not and what i want to know is your opinion on this.. Is he pulling away or really just getting it out while he can.. Does it sound like he no longer loves me??
I think he loves you. I think he's overwhelmed--with the responsibility of work and another child and then he comes home to fighting. I think he's escaping the tension between the two of you.
I think it's really hard to stop a vicious cycle like that, but one of you has to start. And you can't keep score over every little thing--"Well, I didn't say anything when you went out last night, so you should be here for me tonight." That will not work.
You, as the woman, set the mood in your home. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. When you stop trying to stop him from going out and make it really nice to be home, home is where he will want to be.
Dr. Laura can be tough and I don't agree with everything she says and I can't stand the title of the book I'm about to recommend, but I'm telling you--it will help you if you read it. It's called (brace yourself), "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Ignore the title and read it. It sounds like a book from the 50's about how serve your man, but it is actually very empowering--it will help you get what you want from your relationship.
Thank you for your comments i will deffinitley look into that book and work on maybe communicating better.. I dont think he is using the pregnancy as an excuse only bc b4 i got pregnant he didnt really go out that much which is why i think that he is being honest.. Plus it is not like him to make excuses he's the type to say it how it is.. I think that agiesmom was right at the fact that i do bargain with him in the way that i always say well you went out last night so tonight stay home and then he thinks that i am controlling him and probably doesnt want to be around me when all i want to do is argue.. Thank you again for your comments.. Im going to talk to him about issues soon..
Stop trying to hurt each other that's for sure. I know that it is a hard one to stop. But sit down and have a mature discussion not accusing anyone of anything but state your problems as "when you do x it makes me feel y...
MommyDee, I suggest not getting into long discussions over this. I'm telling you, he will shut down. I think guys are direct and to the point and are wired to want to "fix" things and if they don't feel like they can "fix" it (i.e., make you happy), they just shut down--and avoid you.
Is he abusive? Have addiction issues? An adulterer? Cruel? A bad father? What exactly are the issues between the two of you?
O god no he is not abusive, addicted to smoking which is not an issue, not an adulterer can be cruel in a heated arguement, an excellent father when he is around.. the issues are simply this.. he goes out to much and i dont do enough around the house to earn my keep. Plus i am jealous if i think that he is talking to other women that we are not commonly assosciated with.. thank you all again but i think from here on in im just going to play it by year and work on communicating and not picking silly arguments i know what we have is real if it wasnt then it would have been over long ago.. Thanks again
He sounds like a good man--and you obviously are a caring, loving woman. I'm sure you will work things out.
I would work on figuring out a way to diffuse a conversation when it's going down the wrong path. I'm older and wiser now, but when I was younger and first married, I'd want to talk everything completely out, even if it was going nowhere and he kept falling asleep while I talked at 3 a.m. Now, if it doesn't look like it's going to be productive or I feel myself getting annoyed, I disengage--just say that I'd like some time to think about it and we can talk more later.
And the only person you can change is you. Work on being the best mom and wife you can be and he will react positively to it. I have struggled with being organized and scheduled and a pile of papers on the desk or a couple of glasses in the sink don't bother me, but they bother my dh. So, I try to make sure he doesn't have to look at it. Again, if you make home a nice place to be (both physically and emotionally), home is where he will want to be.
Sounds like he loves you to me, but maybe being a bit selfish, not considerate enough of the help and support you need with your kids. It does sound like he is avoiding what he feels is an awkwards situation at home. All the advice so far sounds sensible to me.
As for smoking - have you banned him from smoking at home? Even in the garden? If he is addicted to smoking and cannot smoke at home, that is a big pull for him to go round to his mate's place and smoke there instead - along with spending time with someone who's not going to end up in an arguement with him. I'm not suggesting you allow smoking in the house, it's not good for your kids. Just suggesting a reason why he may be tempted to spend time elsewhere. If he's allowed to smoke in the garden at home, or in a shed, and if you go out and keep him company while he smokes (even if you don't), he won't feel the need to go somewhere else.
It does also sound like you need to address your bickering, or eventually it may become too much for either or both of you. There are ways of addressing your differences without it being so damaging. Name-calling, swearing and screaming can be really damaging to the way someone feels about you. Talking about how YOU feel, rather than what is wrong with THEM, can be more effective. There are whole books on this stuff, and I suspect it would do him as much good as you to try and address this - it's taken both of you to develop the dynamic you've got at the moment, it'll take both of you to change it.
Thank you, you have made some really helpful suggestions.. i will try the smoking thing because that could be a big problem as for other things i did confront him about what we Both need to work on and we are in agreement that we are going to work together to solve OUR issues.. Thank you for your suggestions
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