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How do you live with doubt?
My partner and I have been together for three years, and I have posted before about a trip we were planning to take. For a run-down, we were organising a trip overseas together (the first real holiday together and both our first times overseas) and he decided he wanted to go on a trip with his friends for 20 days instead. So, I was obviously very hurt, and it has sparked quite a few arguments since (more me crying than arguments). Anyway, our if anyone has the time to read this, I'd appreciate some thoughts.
When we first got together, I was dating someone else (who it turns out was very wrong for me). I'd move away from my bf at the time, and we had already grown apart and eventually ended things because I was confused with my feelings for my current partner.
When I first was with my current boyfriend, he was so in love with me, and I fell in love with him - things just felt blissful and perfect when we were together. Then, as time passed, I started to get confused. Since I had been with my previous bf, and at the time I felt things could get serious with him, I started to doubt whether I could trust my judgement with my new partner. Also, I hadn't really been single and wanted to have time to be my own person. So, this underlying issue caused a few problems in our relationship, and we took at few breaks. Over the most recent (and serious) break, I went to a psychologist and realised where all of my feelings came from, and that I was basically just scared to end up in an unhappy relationship, and I realised that I didnt really want to be single, I wanted to be with him and I would tryin make it work.
So with this new mentality, we starting hanging out again and the relationship went back on track - or so I thought. Since we've had all these problems, and the fighting had been quite bad, with the time apart he was reconsidering whether he could handle being with me and for the fighting to continue. So I'm all ready to work together for the bigger picture, but he doesnt even know if thats what he wants. Which means, he's not trying to make me happy, and he's always wanting to just do what he wants, no matter how it affects me.
At this stage, I havent spoken to him in a few days, and I'm not planning for a little while. I'm finding it hard to handle his change of heart, and I dont think I can stay with someone who isnt willing to make an effort to stay together. Its like its always my decision. Right now, I feel pretty desperate. For me, he's the one I want to be with, but I dont want to hear for the rest of my life "I'll do what I want" - you need compromise in a relationship, right? And he says he feels like he cant be himself around me, and that makes me upset cos I want to make him feel better about who he is. I'm not trying to control him, I just want a bit of love and respect, and to know that he will take me into consideration when he makes decisions.
For instance, he's moving to canberra to work, and he wont even talk about how it will effect our relationship. I'm just supposed to accept it - which I'm happy to, cos it wont be permanent, but it would be nice to have been talked to about it, and for him to say, "look, I'd like to do this for my career, but your important to me, and we'll make this work". Talking to my girlfriends with fiancee's/long term partners, they jsut say that when you know, you are just always willing to work on it, and they ultimately you want to stay together and make each other happy. I feel like that, but it seems like he doesn't. Its just so heartbreaking cos I'm really ready to be happy with him, and I love him so much. Being with him makes me so incredibly happy, and he's my best friend. I just hate the fights, breaks, break ups, drama and lately, feeling like I'm not worth the effort :(
When we first got together, I was dating someone else (who it turns out was very wrong for me). I'd move away from my bf at the time, and we had already grown apart and eventually ended things because I was confused with my feelings for my current partner.
When I first was with my current boyfriend, he was so in love with me, and I fell in love with him - things just felt blissful and perfect when we were together. Then, as time passed, I started to get confused. Since I had been with my previous bf, and at the time I felt things could get serious with him, I started to doubt whether I could trust my judgement with my new partner. Also, I hadn't really been single and wanted to have time to be my own person. So, this underlying issue caused a few problems in our relationship, and we took at few breaks. Over the most recent (and serious) break, I went to a psychologist and realised where all of my feelings came from, and that I was basically just scared to end up in an unhappy relationship, and I realised that I didnt really want to be single, I wanted to be with him and I would tryin make it work.
So with this new mentality, we starting hanging out again and the relationship went back on track - or so I thought. Since we've had all these problems, and the fighting had been quite bad, with the time apart he was reconsidering whether he could handle being with me and for the fighting to continue. So I'm all ready to work together for the bigger picture, but he doesnt even know if thats what he wants. Which means, he's not trying to make me happy, and he's always wanting to just do what he wants, no matter how it affects me.
At this stage, I havent spoken to him in a few days, and I'm not planning for a little while. I'm finding it hard to handle his change of heart, and I dont think I can stay with someone who isnt willing to make an effort to stay together. Its like its always my decision. Right now, I feel pretty desperate. For me, he's the one I want to be with, but I dont want to hear for the rest of my life "I'll do what I want" - you need compromise in a relationship, right? And he says he feels like he cant be himself around me, and that makes me upset cos I want to make him feel better about who he is. I'm not trying to control him, I just want a bit of love and respect, and to know that he will take me into consideration when he makes decisions.
For instance, he's moving to canberra to work, and he wont even talk about how it will effect our relationship. I'm just supposed to accept it - which I'm happy to, cos it wont be permanent, but it would be nice to have been talked to about it, and for him to say, "look, I'd like to do this for my career, but your important to me, and we'll make this work". Talking to my girlfriends with fiancee's/long term partners, they jsut say that when you know, you are just always willing to work on it, and they ultimately you want to stay together and make each other happy. I feel like that, but it seems like he doesn't. Its just so heartbreaking cos I'm really ready to be happy with him, and I love him so much. Being with him makes me so incredibly happy, and he's my best friend. I just hate the fights, breaks, break ups, drama and lately, feeling like I'm not worth the effort :(
It would have been better if you both wanted to work on it but I can relate.
In this case I am at the position of your lover. My BF is a very gentle and caring person and loves me very much. I love him too. But sometimes no matter how much you love each other, without efforts from both sides, you can't really afford to be together. In that case I would suggest you to be a bit reluctant and open about your relationship and a bit of surprising. Maybe you should care less and see what he does to improve it for a while.
If it doesn't work don't push yourself too much to make it better. Be patient, there's always someone better, don't hurt yourself.
You can't fit a ring in your finger if isn't the right size, no matter how much you like it.
In this case I am at the position of your lover. My BF is a very gentle and caring person and loves me very much. I love him too. But sometimes no matter how much you love each other, without efforts from both sides, you can't really afford to be together. In that case I would suggest you to be a bit reluctant and open about your relationship and a bit of surprising. Maybe you should care less and see what he does to improve it for a while.
If it doesn't work don't push yourself too much to make it better. Be patient, there's always someone better, don't hurt yourself.
You can't fit a ring in your finger if isn't the right size, no matter how much you like it.
Thanks for your responses. I'm just so confused at the moment, its so hard not knowing how he feels, I'm in this type of limbo. I'm trying to give him space, but its been three years together and its hard to all of a sudden be in this sort of situation. I'm finding all this so distracting. I really want to feel strong and independent, and not need him, but at the same time I want to talk with him.
I've wanted to call him so much, but what stops me is the thought that he's just going along with his normal routine, and that my call will only mean he doesnt have to worry and think about things. Some of our friends were heading to canberra to hang out this friday, and I'm sure he wouldnt have canceled it, and it would hurt me too much to hear he's out with them while I'm writing on forums everyday about how bad I feel :( I dont want to be this pathetic, needy person who is always upset..
When we've had breaks in the past, he's said he does those things because he needs to distract himself because he couldnt bear thinking about it. But if thats true, why doesnt he do anything to stop it getting to that point in the first place? Ahh, I wish I could stop thinking and feeling things! Even just for a day, I need a break from all these thoughts in my head! Sitting at a desk all day in front of a computer doesnt help much either.. XX
I've wanted to call him so much, but what stops me is the thought that he's just going along with his normal routine, and that my call will only mean he doesnt have to worry and think about things. Some of our friends were heading to canberra to hang out this friday, and I'm sure he wouldnt have canceled it, and it would hurt me too much to hear he's out with them while I'm writing on forums everyday about how bad I feel :( I dont want to be this pathetic, needy person who is always upset..
When we've had breaks in the past, he's said he does those things because he needs to distract himself because he couldnt bear thinking about it. But if thats true, why doesnt he do anything to stop it getting to that point in the first place? Ahh, I wish I could stop thinking and feeling things! Even just for a day, I need a break from all these thoughts in my head! Sitting at a desk all day in front of a computer doesnt help much either.. XX
At a time when he is questioning whether he wants to be in this relationship, it is important to give him some space and not be too clingy, or too pushy for him to make up his mind. That sort of behaviour can be very off-putting, and is more likely to drive him away than make him want to be with you. By all means be available to spend time with him, and enjoy time together when you can, but don't be too pushy.
I'd agree he seems like he's being somewhat selfish and inconsiderate. But if you do want to try and make this relationship work out, now's not the time to make an issue of it, when he's already half-way out of the door. Give him, and yourself, time to decide if this relationship is a keeper, and only once you are both more committed is it worth trying to address these issues.
Men, on the whole, don't change. You get what you see, warts and all, and you can take it or leave it. So if his inconsiderate behaviour really bothers you, you can try and address it, and there may be an improvement, but it's quite possible the improvement won't last all that long.
I'd agree he seems like he's being somewhat selfish and inconsiderate. But if you do want to try and make this relationship work out, now's not the time to make an issue of it, when he's already half-way out of the door. Give him, and yourself, time to decide if this relationship is a keeper, and only once you are both more committed is it worth trying to address these issues.
Men, on the whole, don't change. You get what you see, warts and all, and you can take it or leave it. So if his inconsiderate behaviour really bothers you, you can try and address it, and there may be an improvement, but it's quite possible the improvement won't last all that long.
I think he is being selfish! Like you said people in relationships need to compromise! That never happened in my last relationship so I had to make the decision (very hard one) to leave and be single (which I like at the moment)..... But it doesn't mean I wnated it to happen!
An unhealthy realtionship where one person isn't happy and the other doesn't care is very harmful on the unhappy person!!! Believe me, my ex always wanted to hang with friends, moved to the county next to mine to work and adding the fact he cheated, well didnt help matters really! I couldn't trust him for a second. he did what he wanted when he wanted... No matter how I felt about it.... He never ever cared about how I felt or about anything in my life... So basically a selfish so and so! It was so hard to not fight when he did something I didnt agree with ie. going camping with his friends and some other females.. I didnt even get an invite but me asking him not to go was in his words " Me being a drama queen". Grrrr!
Im glad I left it but it is hard, really hard!!!! maybe you should consider making yourself happy.. Move on, be single and mingle with people, go on "dates" and what not...
Just for your own sanity, confidence and self esteem make a decision that will help you! you'll be glad of it in the end!
I think your going through a lot of what I went and still am going through so if you ever need to talk just PM me!
Good Luck,
Jen x
An unhealthy realtionship where one person isn't happy and the other doesn't care is very harmful on the unhappy person!!! Believe me, my ex always wanted to hang with friends, moved to the county next to mine to work and adding the fact he cheated, well didnt help matters really! I couldn't trust him for a second. he did what he wanted when he wanted... No matter how I felt about it.... He never ever cared about how I felt or about anything in my life... So basically a selfish so and so! It was so hard to not fight when he did something I didnt agree with ie. going camping with his friends and some other females.. I didnt even get an invite but me asking him not to go was in his words " Me being a drama queen". Grrrr!
Im glad I left it but it is hard, really hard!!!! maybe you should consider making yourself happy.. Move on, be single and mingle with people, go on "dates" and what not...
Just for your own sanity, confidence and self esteem make a decision that will help you! you'll be glad of it in the end!
I think your going through a lot of what I went and still am going through so if you ever need to talk just PM me!
Good Luck,
Jen x
Thanks for the advice. Yea, I'm sure that I've contributed to his sens of doubt, before all the fighting he was really happy. But he still has this thing about not wanting to do things he doesnt want to do, like he hardly ever comes out with my friends, took forever to meet my family, wont give up smoking, etc. he's just adament about not changing his behaviour in any way. I've done follow up visits with the psychologist, I'll probably go see her this week actually.
I know the silent treatment isn't good, but i feel like its my only option atm because hanging out with him just brings all the feelings up and i end up getting upset with him and fighting - and right now I'm trying to hand in my thesis and I cant handle the emotional reactions. I've asked him not to call me, and he hasn't. I feel like msging him, but at the moment I'm trying to be independent and not come across as needy.
I dont think couples counselling would be a good option, he's not even sure if he wants to be with me, let alone be with me enough to try counselling. We've pretty much decided its a bad timing and hes just not ready to commit. I can understand that, but it still makes me feel terrible and like I'm not good enough :( I just wish, more than anything in the world, that he would just realise that I was worth a bit of an effort and he would just try to work together. Reading these forums, theres so many people with similar problems and the advice is always the same. I just wish it was different, I just wish I found someone who felt the same. Its so hard to feel like your hanging on, trying to push someone into being with you. I know he loves me and cares about me, its just not in the same way I guess..
Part of me just wants this time apart to solve our problems, so he realises how he's made me feel, and that he doesnt want to cause those problems anymore. If I saw him trying, my doubts would go away because they had gone away, it was only til he stopping putting in any effort that has made all these feelings come up. I never used to get jealous, I never felt like he didnt want to be with me, he would always want to hang out, and he would be so sweet and lovely to me. Now I feel like he'd rather be with his friends, and that I'm fun to hang out with so long as I dont disagree with anything that he does, or put in my opinion to anything he does. I'm just supposed to go along with everything.
I'm sure he'd have just as many things to say with me, and so much has happened that I dont know if its fixable. For me, it would take a lot to want to try get back together. I wonder how he feels. I'm sortof using these forums as a way to talk out my feelings so I dont end up messgaing and calling him.
I just want things to be easy. To feel secure in my relationship that we are there for each other no matter what. I dont feel that way anymore, so I guess it is time to leave. I just really dont want to. Its not cause I'm scared, I'm sure il be okay, but I'll just miss him. So many things about him I'll miss. I dont understand how people can live with those feelings, it doesnt seem like they'll ever go away..
I know the silent treatment isn't good, but i feel like its my only option atm because hanging out with him just brings all the feelings up and i end up getting upset with him and fighting - and right now I'm trying to hand in my thesis and I cant handle the emotional reactions. I've asked him not to call me, and he hasn't. I feel like msging him, but at the moment I'm trying to be independent and not come across as needy.
I dont think couples counselling would be a good option, he's not even sure if he wants to be with me, let alone be with me enough to try counselling. We've pretty much decided its a bad timing and hes just not ready to commit. I can understand that, but it still makes me feel terrible and like I'm not good enough :( I just wish, more than anything in the world, that he would just realise that I was worth a bit of an effort and he would just try to work together. Reading these forums, theres so many people with similar problems and the advice is always the same. I just wish it was different, I just wish I found someone who felt the same. Its so hard to feel like your hanging on, trying to push someone into being with you. I know he loves me and cares about me, its just not in the same way I guess..
Part of me just wants this time apart to solve our problems, so he realises how he's made me feel, and that he doesnt want to cause those problems anymore. If I saw him trying, my doubts would go away because they had gone away, it was only til he stopping putting in any effort that has made all these feelings come up. I never used to get jealous, I never felt like he didnt want to be with me, he would always want to hang out, and he would be so sweet and lovely to me. Now I feel like he'd rather be with his friends, and that I'm fun to hang out with so long as I dont disagree with anything that he does, or put in my opinion to anything he does. I'm just supposed to go along with everything.
I'm sure he'd have just as many things to say with me, and so much has happened that I dont know if its fixable. For me, it would take a lot to want to try get back together. I wonder how he feels. I'm sortof using these forums as a way to talk out my feelings so I dont end up messgaing and calling him.
I just want things to be easy. To feel secure in my relationship that we are there for each other no matter what. I dont feel that way anymore, so I guess it is time to leave. I just really dont want to. Its not cause I'm scared, I'm sure il be okay, but I'll just miss him. So many things about him I'll miss. I dont understand how people can live with those feelings, it doesnt seem like they'll ever go away..
My guess is that much of this may have as much to do with your partner's perceived insensitivity as what could appear as a lack of confidence, trust and fear of abandonment on your part. Have you gone back for a follow-up consultation with that psychologist? Or, better still... have you both tried couples counseling sessions? Maybe, either or both approaches could help mitigate some of this anxiety. Plus, a neutral third party (i.e. counselor, therapist) could offer some much needed perspective on the relationship. But, you both really need to open up and talk... so, there's no advantage in the silent treatment.
As for your question/ post title, "How do you live with doubt?" You can't... at least, not for long; and, you shouldn't. If you continue to go on and "live with doubt," it'll totally overshadow what happiness you do have.
As for your question/ post title, "How do you live with doubt?" You can't... at least, not for long; and, you shouldn't. If you continue to go on and "live with doubt," it'll totally overshadow what happiness you do have.
Thank you to anyone that actually read all that! I appreciate it, these chatrooms are a nice way to talk about these things and get an outside perspective XXX
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