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How long do I hang in there?
My boyfriend and I have been together almost four years now. After the first year together, we broke up for a few months, then got back together, and been together since. He has anger issues that he has had since he was a child, but it had become better over the years. But during the first half of our relationship, we would have random fights that were over these, nothing, stupid things but he would just loose it, and it would become this huge explosion. We would go through spell were we would be fine, and then spells were we couldn’t seem to stop fighting. But almost all fights were over these simple things that should just be a little argument or misunderstanding but he would just start screaming and yelling and making it into this huge thing. He would at some point leave or walk away from getting so mad, then come back a little later, calm, and would say he was so sorry, he doesn’t know why that happens and what not. And it seems like he literally has a switch he can’t control, he would become mad, and once he got to a certain point, you couldn’t turn him off (his anger I mean) until one of us left and he had time to calm down by himself, then he would realize how stupid it was for him to go crazy. And by some miracle I was able to put up with him doing this. Now he has become a lot better, and we don’t fight near as often, they are few and far between. But now whenever we do have these ridiculous fights, I can’t stand it because they are so pointless and he can be such a jerk during the fight, but as soon as he is calmed down, he realizes what he did wrong. I love him so much and we have been through so much together, but my question is, Will he ever completely get over his anger issues? Will he continue to get better as he gets older? Even though his anger issues are not nearly as bad as they used to be, I don’t know if I could take it the rest of my life. He is a great guy and this is really his only main flaw, and I don’t want to give up after all this time, because he’s the love of my life. But how long do I stay with it, I don’t want to be with him ten, twenty years down the road still hoping his anger issues will be under control. At what point do I say enough is enough…
Thanks so much for your advice, I really appreciate it. I feel so much better now, and will definetly get this figured out. You're awesome. lol.
One thing that I learned is I use to think that a fight should be settled before we went to bed, so we would stay up for hours and would cause another fight. I figured out it is actually better to walk away and sleep on it because then you can discuss it the next day when everything has calmed down.
Be careful not to start a fight over talking about how to fight. If that makes sense.
I am sure it will get better, my husband and I learned how to fight the right way, and now we get along better then most.
Fighting isn't bad, but fighting fair is important.
Be careful not to start a fight over talking about how to fight. If that makes sense.
I am sure it will get better, my husband and I learned how to fight the right way, and now we get along better then most.
Fighting isn't bad, but fighting fair is important.
Thanks so much. It kinda all makes sences in a way now, and I feel much better about this whole situation. And about his parents, they divorced when he was about 10 years old. His mother was an alcoholic and that caused many fights. He has told me before that his father used to have anger issues, but not anymore. So I guess I keep hoping his will get better with time too. But I will definitly take your advice. We don't talk too much about our fighting when we are actually calm. I will try to talk to him about it, and I will start walking away before him, or before it even starts. It just gets old really quickly, Im sure you can imagine. lol.
You and your boyfriend sound alot like my husband and I use to be when we first got married. We both can have a temper, and are hard headed. (Bad combo to fight with) anyways, I would take his car keys and hide them so he couldn't leave while we were fighting because I always wanted to get it done and over with. Bad idea. I should've let him go and cool off. I just always thought he wouldn't come back, and I was wrong about that.
The major thing that I figured out is it's not a bad thing to fight in a relationship, but it's how you fight that can be bad.
My husband and I use to get down and mean to eachother, (no hitting) but all was game, his family my family, how I looked, how he looked. Everything. That is BAD, and it almost broke us.
I noticed a pattern to the fighting though. We never stayed in the present with them, we always went to things that happened before and then we ended up even madder because we were fighting over NOTHING in other words.
It took my husband and I a few years to grow up and learn how to fight nicely.
I found out that when we were fighting like that, it really wasn't anything that we were fighting about, it usually was that he was stressed from work, or I was stressed about a bill not being paid.
Most of our fighting though started because his mother. (don't like my mother-in-law)!!!!!
One thing that helps it is I don't get hotheaded like I use to, I use to try to one up him while we were fighting, and that just made it worse. Now I don't even raise my voice too often, and if I feel there is a big fight going to happen, I LEAVE, don't wait for your boyfriend to leave, you leave first and prevent it from happening.
I really don't think this is a big problem that is a total breaking point in your relationship, as long as he isn't hitting you.
You guys just have to learn to fight fair and in the present.
Sit down together and discuss the topics that cannot ever be included in a fight.
Do not become involved in personal attacks as these can make it worse.
I think what is happening is you guys feel that you have to change the others mind on what you are fighting about, and you don't. All you have to do is explain to eachother why you feel the way you do. You can't change his view, and he can't change your view.
I'm not sure how old you are, but for your 411 my husband and I were 22 when we got married, we are now 30......and I am STILL 29 for two months. hehehe. It did get better as we got older.
We really don't fight at all anymore, not because he isn't hotheaded still, but because I refuse to fight with him like that, and he will admit that it is no fun fighting by yourself.
Take a look at his parents relationship, do they do the same thing?
The major thing that I figured out is it's not a bad thing to fight in a relationship, but it's how you fight that can be bad.
My husband and I use to get down and mean to eachother, (no hitting) but all was game, his family my family, how I looked, how he looked. Everything. That is BAD, and it almost broke us.
I noticed a pattern to the fighting though. We never stayed in the present with them, we always went to things that happened before and then we ended up even madder because we were fighting over NOTHING in other words.
It took my husband and I a few years to grow up and learn how to fight nicely.
I found out that when we were fighting like that, it really wasn't anything that we were fighting about, it usually was that he was stressed from work, or I was stressed about a bill not being paid.
Most of our fighting though started because his mother. (don't like my mother-in-law)!!!!!
One thing that helps it is I don't get hotheaded like I use to, I use to try to one up him while we were fighting, and that just made it worse. Now I don't even raise my voice too often, and if I feel there is a big fight going to happen, I LEAVE, don't wait for your boyfriend to leave, you leave first and prevent it from happening.
I really don't think this is a big problem that is a total breaking point in your relationship, as long as he isn't hitting you.
You guys just have to learn to fight fair and in the present.
Sit down together and discuss the topics that cannot ever be included in a fight.
Do not become involved in personal attacks as these can make it worse.
I think what is happening is you guys feel that you have to change the others mind on what you are fighting about, and you don't. All you have to do is explain to eachother why you feel the way you do. You can't change his view, and he can't change your view.
I'm not sure how old you are, but for your 411 my husband and I were 22 when we got married, we are now 30......and I am STILL 29 for two months. hehehe. It did get better as we got older.
We really don't fight at all anymore, not because he isn't hotheaded still, but because I refuse to fight with him like that, and he will admit that it is no fun fighting by yourself.
Take a look at his parents relationship, do they do the same thing?
Thanks for the advice, I will definintly take it to heart and try to figure out what I really want to do. Its just so hard.
You're not being selfish. My kid's father, who is now deceased, had an anger disorder. It was the same thing for years and years. I have tons of letters to him saying the same thing-" I can't take the temper and fights anymore, every time you're mean to me I shut myself off from you a little more..." You get the picture. He also had a drug problem, but even when he was clean the anger was still there. He was better when he was on medication- Depakote and Prozac- but then he'd go off of them and really go off the deep end. He was scary- I felt I had to protect the kids from him when he was mad. He hit me a few times when he was drinking.
I know you love your guy, but unless he gets some real help, I doubt he's gonna change. In a relationship, you should feel free to express yourself and live your life without being attacked, verbally or otherwise, by your partner. No, you should not go out of your way to push his buttons- that is good advice- but you should be able to talk about stuff togetherand disagree without either of you flipping out or leaving.No relationship is perfect, but these should be the easy times for you two. You're young, free, no kids yet, your whole lives ahead of you... if he is this volatile now, what will he be like when you guys have a screaming baby or an impossible toddler (or both!)... financial problems and a mortgage to pay... aging parents to care for... you see what I'm saying, I'm sure. You need a real partner in life, who will not hurt you in any way. I know I'm very extreme about this matter because of my experience. I finally, after 9 years, got the courage to split up with my kid's father. He went back to drugs and OD'd 6 months l;ater. He was a good guy too, just never got his issues under control.
Best of luck to you.You deserve to be happy- if he won't get counseling or if he does and he still isn't changing- you know what to do.
Prayers and warm wishes to you,
Dee
I know you love your guy, but unless he gets some real help, I doubt he's gonna change. In a relationship, you should feel free to express yourself and live your life without being attacked, verbally or otherwise, by your partner. No, you should not go out of your way to push his buttons- that is good advice- but you should be able to talk about stuff togetherand disagree without either of you flipping out or leaving.No relationship is perfect, but these should be the easy times for you two. You're young, free, no kids yet, your whole lives ahead of you... if he is this volatile now, what will he be like when you guys have a screaming baby or an impossible toddler (or both!)... financial problems and a mortgage to pay... aging parents to care for... you see what I'm saying, I'm sure. You need a real partner in life, who will not hurt you in any way. I know I'm very extreme about this matter because of my experience. I finally, after 9 years, got the courage to split up with my kid's father. He went back to drugs and OD'd 6 months l;ater. He was a good guy too, just never got his issues under control.
Best of luck to you.You deserve to be happy- if he won't get counseling or if he does and he still isn't changing- you know what to do.
Prayers and warm wishes to you,
Dee
We broke up because we just kind of started falling apart, it didn’t feel the same and it was like we weren't even together. Once we broke up, we didn't really talk or anything for a good while. He went out with another girl, and I dated another guy for a little bit. We started talking again a little more and more, and all those feelings started to slowly come back, and realized we still loved each other. So we decided to give it another try. I know we really needed that break and it made our relationship so much better. And other than his anger/fighting stuff, it is great. But I just don’t know if I can put up with the random stupid fights forever. In some way I feel like, if I think I can’t handle it, I just need to leave…or does anyone think I’m being somewhat selfish?
What was the reason you broke up the first time? Sometimes that gives us a LOT of answers we're searching for.
well I agree but not completely.
have you both sat down together and talked about this when you aren't angry? If you have and that hasn't helped, I would recommend counseling. He might not even really be aware of what he is doing to you and the relationship.
I say this with experience. My girlfriend and I broke up a few months ago mostly because of the exact same issues you are going through and we were together for almost 5 years. This whole time, I really didn't realize how this was affecting the both of us and the relationship because she kept it bottled up.
If you bring the issues to light, you can still work things out. I find people on here are sometimes too quick to say "run" and give up. Relationships are not easy and will always require work. I think that's why the divorce rate is so high...people think it's going to be like their honeymoon forever. Sometimes that can happen, but most of the time you will have to work on the relationship through the ups and downs. Key thing is to maintain communication....
Good luck...don't give up...you said he is a good guy...I think he deserves a chance.
have you both sat down together and talked about this when you aren't angry? If you have and that hasn't helped, I would recommend counseling. He might not even really be aware of what he is doing to you and the relationship.
I say this with experience. My girlfriend and I broke up a few months ago mostly because of the exact same issues you are going through and we were together for almost 5 years. This whole time, I really didn't realize how this was affecting the both of us and the relationship because she kept it bottled up.
If you bring the issues to light, you can still work things out. I find people on here are sometimes too quick to say "run" and give up. Relationships are not easy and will always require work. I think that's why the divorce rate is so high...people think it's going to be like their honeymoon forever. Sometimes that can happen, but most of the time you will have to work on the relationship through the ups and downs. Key thing is to maintain communication....
Good luck...don't give up...you said he is a good guy...I think he deserves a chance.
BlueEyedOne - after four years, you can clearly recognize a pattern here of his behavior. This is one of two things:
1. You know, from the beginning of a fight, exactly what will "push his buttons" and he knows that too. Neither of you deals with that in any way whatsoever during the escalation phase, you just continue the same exact pattern of getting in a fight and it escalates until he is out of control and you are steamed that he is such an immature brat. You and he both know when it is headed in that direction and neither of you really care to stop it because for him it's exciting/energizing, and somehow you benefit also because you feel like the superior person when he loses it and has to come grovel.
OR
2. He has a real anger disorder, and there really isn't any way for you to predict or stave off the fury when an argument will escalate. You don't see it coming, and you can't divert it.
If your situation is the first scenario, there is a lot of hope. Couples who know each other well develop patterns of relating and you may be stuck in the "rut" of him exploding and apologizing, and that's what's comfortable for you at this time but this is no way to live. There are women in relationships who derive power from tweaking guys into a rage and then enjoying their apologies.
BUT, if your situation is actually the second, that he is really out of control and you don't see this coming and it comes out of nowhere and the only way to avoid his anger would be to physically run, that's a different story. If you are literally not doing anything on purpose to escalate his anger, give up on this relationship. Four years is a lot of time to waste, but better four than 15.
Best wishes.
1. You know, from the beginning of a fight, exactly what will "push his buttons" and he knows that too. Neither of you deals with that in any way whatsoever during the escalation phase, you just continue the same exact pattern of getting in a fight and it escalates until he is out of control and you are steamed that he is such an immature brat. You and he both know when it is headed in that direction and neither of you really care to stop it because for him it's exciting/energizing, and somehow you benefit also because you feel like the superior person when he loses it and has to come grovel.
OR
2. He has a real anger disorder, and there really isn't any way for you to predict or stave off the fury when an argument will escalate. You don't see it coming, and you can't divert it.
If your situation is the first scenario, there is a lot of hope. Couples who know each other well develop patterns of relating and you may be stuck in the "rut" of him exploding and apologizing, and that's what's comfortable for you at this time but this is no way to live. There are women in relationships who derive power from tweaking guys into a rage and then enjoying their apologies.
BUT, if your situation is actually the second, that he is really out of control and you don't see this coming and it comes out of nowhere and the only way to avoid his anger would be to physically run, that's a different story. If you are literally not doing anything on purpose to escalate his anger, give up on this relationship. Four years is a lot of time to waste, but better four than 15.
Best wishes.
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