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How not to be angry?
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How not to be angry?

My husband says that he is not talking to this "girl" and her mother anymore. He says that he can not give them anymore advise ( I told him that last year before he ruined our relationship-but no matter). I believe that he wanted to help this b*****ch, but he did not have to hurt me. If he knew that his actions might hurt me he should have acted differently.

I kind of believe him, but I am still so angry with him and  hurt. It is so hard for me. I am ok for a while, then I revert to my old feelings. I am just really really angry with him.At times, I feel betrayed and he is my number one enemy at times. I just look at him and think, " how could you hurt me, and say the things you have said to me, and treat me the way you did".

I really feel let down and disappointed.  

People will this feeling ever end? will I be able to look at him again?  Yesterday, we were talking and I could see that he was hurting too. His actions  just really tore us apart. It felt as if there were miles between us, but we were both trying to reach the other. I guess the road back to each other will be painful and hard. That is what it feels like. I personally have good days where I feel less angry. but sometimes I ask myself how could he do that to me or say that to me or lie? I just get angry all over again. It is hard because he doesn't take enough responsibility for his actions. It seems he understands a little and is trying. But I am not sure he is sincere.

I absolutely trusted my husband before all this. I had no doubts. Maybe someone was trying to tell me not to be so naive,silly,and trusting.Maybe I love too much, and I give too much of myself. To me a partner was someone who you can trust with your life and your heart. I guess maybe I was wrong or a little too idealistic.

I want to believe him when he says he doesn't talk to them,but I don't want to be that fool again who believed him when he was really lying.

So how can I not be so angry? I am trying to keep myself occupied with my goals and work . But it is hard when one's home life is not exactly perfect anymore and a work in progress.
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145992_tn?1341348674
You are the only one who can control your feelings.  It does take time to get to that place of forgiveness and when it does, you won't feel as angry.  I always told myself that I wasn't going to allow myself to be a victim any longer.  I wasn't going to let him or that other woman control my happiness.  So I sort of put it all behind me and allowed myself to enjoy my relationship and my life.  I don't think there is really an answer that we can give you because it's got to come within you.  If your husband is trying and you're staying with him, than why stay so angry?  What would that solve?  Focus on having some good times together.  When you feel those past feelings start to surface do something to distract yourself or think of a time when he's done the sweetest most wonderful thing ever.  Again, it's all about time.
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Thank you mami1323
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973741_tn?1342346373
It IS really hard PassionFlower.  You feel betrayed, disrespected, humiliated and unsure.  That is a lot to swallow.  I think you should plan a date out.  Tell him ahead of time it is "upbeat" and no heavy talk or drama.  Then both of you make a list of topics to talk about.  This could be anything from the oil spill, to what kind of car you'd like to buy next, to a vacation you've always dreamed of taking someday, etc.  Light, fun talk.  Spend the whole dinner out talking about these things only and keeping it light.  I found it lets you remember why you fell in love.  If you talk about heavy things that have happened between you then that is what you start thinking about instead.  Give this a try and see what happens.  

I am glad that he is trying harder though.  That is a good sign.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks Special,
I love him, but I don't know if I could  just sit and talk to him without mentioning this.
At first I was just hurt. Now I am hurt, angry, and I feel that I don't have to take this "sh****t. I have already put him on warning. It is hard enogh for me to just get through the day without thinking about it. But nevertheless, I will try.

I just think he went completely mad: lying me and ruining our relationship for a person who says, "I will love my abusive boyfriend until I stop loving him". I mean come on- really? This is not the person you can help.You can't help a person who doesn't want help. I told him this last fall. And here we are now : the same conclusion + we now have issues.

He doesn't want to admit that he was wrong and that he hurt me. When I ask him how he would feel if I did "xyz" behavior to him, he either doesn't have an answer, says he doesn't know, or would sometimes he says that he would not like it".

But like I said. I will try.  I will give my all-and if my all is not good enough then at least I know that I did everything I could do.

PassionFlower09

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973741_tn?1342346373
Passionflower, there is always counseling.  Don't forget that.  You could go as a couple or you can go alone to work through the anger.

I will tell you that my idea of going to dinner with only an approved topic list is something that I tried myself.  I was stuck in an issue that we were having and if the issue came up, we'd argue.  So, I had trouble seeing my husband as anything but that issue.  So, we went to dinner and talked about all sorts of interesting things.  We had a really good time.  It helped rekindle why I do love him.  We could work on the issue later but I needed to feel connected to him as well.  

So, I was just answering your question, HOW to get over feelings of being mad.  YOu have every right to be mad---------  and as I said, therapy can help you sort that out.  But I threw in one technique to get past it and reconnect as a couple.  Good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
It really does take time it has been almost 10 months for me and I never thought I could be where I am today. Counseling helps. I also found that if I surrounded myself with positive people and Christian music, read books on forgiveness and focused on getting myself healthy rather then dwelling on how hurt I was, how he could do that to me and how I had every right to be pissed, I felt better but If i Dwelt on the negative the healing process took much longer. I was complaining to a friend of mine one day about my situation and how hurt I was ( her husband died 6 years ago in a logging accident. She has dated 3 different men since then and it never goes well)  and she said Bridget, what are you complaining about. He is with you. I would kill to wake up every morning with a man like Joe by my side. She made me realize that I could choose to forgive and more on with the man I love and be happy or push him away and watch some other woman have what I really wanted. There are days it still crosses my mind. Even today, now that summer is approaching and this is the time of year it happened I thought today while driving to work. "How could he have done this to me." But as quick as it crossed my mind I had to let it go.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi everyone.

Thank you for your input.

Special, I agree with you. I think your idea will help us get more connected.

Hey, Love, I understand- it will take time.

It is just that my husband is not sorry for hurting me. To him he did nothing wrong, and he feels completely justified hurting me to save yesterday's drop off. If he doesn't think that he did anything wrong, then there is a high probability that he will do it again.

I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone like this. This is one of the main reasons why I hurts: He is not sorry, and I am expendable to him. I am just a means to an end. He doesn't care about my feelings.  I can ignore it and really forget about it and overlook this. But what message am I sending? That it is OK to treat me this way.

This is what I contemplate about everyday.  I am really trying to be positive. It is not the only thing I think about. There are many great things going on in my life now, but who do I have to share them with? I guess this happens when one gets too complaisant and comfortable. I thought my life was pretty OK before all this.  

Honestly, 2009-2010 has been a very challenging year for me-aside from my husbands "midlife" crisis, aka personal crusade to save every trailer part rat who really doesn't want to be saved.

I understand that things could be a lot worse for me. Believe me I understand. I see people with much worse problems everyday. And everyday I see how trivial my issues are in  comparison. But never-the-less, I still hurt a little. I am still trying to cope with my issues. And I am trying to be productive, and produce some good.

But anyway, I will participate in activities that are positive. I really like that idea LOVE. I feel better just think about it - really.

-PassionFlower09
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