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How should I handle the 22 year old guy fooling around with my wife?
I am 43, my wife is 43. We have been basically just living together for the last 5 years. We go away together with the kids, family functions and we were cordial - but no intimacy. There are a ton of reasons. Recently I had approached my wife about the lack of anything in our relationship and encouraged her to give it a whirl with me. Counseling etc... There was a very brief and minimal improvement.
Then again, recently I confronted her about her feelings for the youngster who she works with at a diner. Of course she denied. I met the youngster twice and he know we were married (and probably knew unhappily married).
I just went on a business trip and my wife was up to no good. I finally got half of a confession that she did just kiss the boy at a party she had for the young co workers at OUR house! I caught some of it on my home surveillance.
Although it is my wife's fault, I feel like punching this kid in the mouth for the lack of respect. He does need to learn some kind of lesson. To be a man, you don't poach another man's wife. Ever! Is there no respect and no code of honor among men (and boys)?
They all work together in a local eatery which is problematic. Rumors and gossip is going to start. My wife is going to be embarrassed and humiliated. My kids will as well, because they eat there often.
I thought of texting him a fairly cutting, but non aggressive message. I also thought of speaking to his father and grandfather who own the eatery and employ my wife... I also though of having a sit down with him to explain what a man is and how terrible this can effect soooo many people.
In any event, I am actually relieved I got some truth and now will work on the closure.
However, I would love some feedback.
Thanks -
Then again, recently I confronted her about her feelings for the youngster who she works with at a diner. Of course she denied. I met the youngster twice and he know we were married (and probably knew unhappily married).
I just went on a business trip and my wife was up to no good. I finally got half of a confession that she did just kiss the boy at a party she had for the young co workers at OUR house! I caught some of it on my home surveillance.
Although it is my wife's fault, I feel like punching this kid in the mouth for the lack of respect. He does need to learn some kind of lesson. To be a man, you don't poach another man's wife. Ever! Is there no respect and no code of honor among men (and boys)?
They all work together in a local eatery which is problematic. Rumors and gossip is going to start. My wife is going to be embarrassed and humiliated. My kids will as well, because they eat there often.
I thought of texting him a fairly cutting, but non aggressive message. I also thought of speaking to his father and grandfather who own the eatery and employ my wife... I also though of having a sit down with him to explain what a man is and how terrible this can effect soooo many people.
In any event, I am actually relieved I got some truth and now will work on the closure.
However, I would love some feedback.
Thanks -
Guess I am not understanding why it is so important to receive an apology from this other guy. If anything your wife should be the one apologizing as you are married to her and you took vows with her, not this other guy. Who knows what she told him in regards to your marriage; she probably lied to him as well.
In my opinion, no one is worth fighting in this situation. People have gotten seriously injuried and/or even worse in these types of altercations.
Amen!
In my opinion, no one is worth fighting in this situation. People have gotten seriously injuried and/or even worse in these types of altercations.
Amen!
Guess I am not understanding why it is so important to receive an apology from this other guy. If anything your wife should be the one apologizing as you are married to her and you took vows with her, not this other guy. Who knows what she told him in regards to your marriage; she probably lied to him as well.
In my opinion, no one is worth fighting in this situation. People have gotten seriously injuried and/or even worse in these types of altercations.
In my opinion, no one is worth fighting in this situation. People have gotten seriously injuried and/or even worse in these types of altercations.
Absolutely agree with SM...now isn't the time to be worried about or concentrating on dating. You need to give yourself a break, focus on yourself and the kids for a while.
I still maintain that ANY contact with this other young man is a bad idea. Remember, you send messages to your children and if you end up getting into a fight with the guy, what message does that send? What if he pushes your buttons, you hit him and go to jail? NOT helpful as a Dad. Always put those kids first and always take the high road. Walk away.
As for pride and being able to hold your head up...that AGAIN is on your wife, not him. He had no obligation to consider you one single bit, SHE did.
Best of luck to you....keep an eye on the kids as you go through the divorce. Don't talk poorly about your wife to them, and make sure you work hard to co-parent amicably with your wife. The kids deserve that.
I still maintain that ANY contact with this other young man is a bad idea. Remember, you send messages to your children and if you end up getting into a fight with the guy, what message does that send? What if he pushes your buttons, you hit him and go to jail? NOT helpful as a Dad. Always put those kids first and always take the high road. Walk away.
As for pride and being able to hold your head up...that AGAIN is on your wife, not him. He had no obligation to consider you one single bit, SHE did.
Best of luck to you....keep an eye on the kids as you go through the divorce. Don't talk poorly about your wife to them, and make sure you work hard to co-parent amicably with your wife. The kids deserve that.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm a firm believer that we don't start dating until we are officially divorced or at least legally separated. I also am a firm believer in giving oneself some time to completely heal from a failed relationship prior to dating again. i'm not sure it is a great idea to start dating just yet.
I'm sure you are hurting. I don't know how your relationship got to this place and I'm sure you hate that it did. Such is life. I think doing some soul searching about what our role was, their role and how the two mixed into things not working out is really helpful for seeing negative patterns that we don't want to repeat.
Lots of luck
I'm sure you are hurting. I don't know how your relationship got to this place and I'm sure you hate that it did. Such is life. I think doing some soul searching about what our role was, their role and how the two mixed into things not working out is really helpful for seeing negative patterns that we don't want to repeat.
Lots of luck
I'm glad that you tried to get your wife into counseling so that you don't regret giving it your all to mend the relationship. You mentioned that there were many reasons why the relationship was not an intimate one, so you've also got an idea of what to look out for as far as red flags when you start to date again, which, by the way, I wish you much success in finding a good woman. Is there anyone that you know of that you'd like to ask out on a casual date?
As much as i agree with everybody else with it being more your wifes fault i have to dissagree on the dont sit down with the young man situation. I think you should have a talk with him like you said he knew she was married and still did it is wrong. If he does not know you know yet you have an advantage, next time you see him your going to need to hold it together dont go off on him all crazy just approach him in a calm manner tell him your upsset about what he did. Now you have him in a state of shock because he just now found out you know he will either be speechless or will get defensive and deny it right away either way you look at him in the eyes and you tell him whatever you have going on with my wife stops now. Right after that you tell him do you understand. If he says yes he should apolagize at that time you should shake hands. Because you are a man not because your weak or soft but because you are a man. But if he says no or cant give you a strait answer it will probably result in a fight then by all means if he hits you hit him back because that will be self defence but only if you think you can take him. I hope this helps you. Best of luck.
If this is about "holding Your head up in the neighborhood" well, as far as I'm concerned, You ARE "holding Your head up" in that You will not tolerate being "cuckolded" by Your cheating Wife. It was Your Wife who cuckolded You - not the young man You are so angry with - He did not "cheat" on You - She did!!
I wasn't spying. I was on a business trip and she was having a party. I had a gut feeling. When I came home I put a few things together and made it seem as if I KNEW something for sure. She admitted. At that point I checked my video surveillance for my yard to verify her story.
The marriage is over, that's ok. Working on an amicable split as I type/
I just want to be able to walk around my neighborhood with my head up. I would really like to kick his ***, but as long as I can send some message and get an apology, I'll feel better. And that is very important. I do not want to walk around my neighborhood feeling like a cuckold man because his wife was a little off her rocker in her thinking process.
I just want to be able to walk around my neighborhood with my head up. I would really like to kick his ***, but as long as I can send some message and get an apology, I'll feel better. And that is very important. I do not want to walk around my neighborhood feeling like a cuckold man because his wife was a little off her rocker in her thinking process.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. I'm not old school and that stuff about kicking butt if someone touches your girl is very backwards. Drama needs to end. Your kids would be just as embarrassed if their dad ends up in a fist fight as they are by their mother.
Place blame where blame belongs, on your wife.
Meet with him if you like but you are asking for trouble. He was just being a young moron that took advantage of a situation. While it wasn't cruel, this wasn't his fault.
If the marriage is over, then just let it be over. good luck
Place blame where blame belongs, on your wife.
Meet with him if you like but you are asking for trouble. He was just being a young moron that took advantage of a situation. While it wasn't cruel, this wasn't his fault.
If the marriage is over, then just let it be over. good luck
The marriage is really over. But I would agree she should leave. And I believe she will soon. She is super smart and has held very high paying jobs ($200,000+) - I'm sure this is some sort of mid life crisis / depression. The most important thing is that she cuts it out before anyone finds out. Right now I am the only one who know.
No - the marriage is over and that is ok. It does have to stop before she embarrasses herself and the kids. And I am from a neighborhood where you kick the guys *** that touches your girl and knows about it. We live in the same neighborhood so it will do good if he accept s the sit down and apologizes, I won't have to worry about bumping into him in town...
Definitely your wife needs to know how you feel and that it's not ok. The boy is young though. Maybe you should sit down and try to be cordial. He needs to know chasing married women is NOT ok. I think a lesson from a husband so he knows that he is affecting a whole family, is ok!
"...I caught some of it on my home surveillance."
What's THAT all about? If you resorted to spying on your wife, there are some big issues in your marriage already. Not many guys would do that...so what's really going on? Women don't stop having sex because they just don't feel like having it...five years is a long time to pout...
Maybe if you wanted to look at the whole problem and share that, some folks here could give you some thoughts.
For now, a simple "stay away from my wife" should send the guy a message. Don't threaten him...that just makes you look crazy...
People can do some pretty regrettable things when in an unhappy marriage...I think the two of you should have a talk about where you're going from here...before this situation gets out of control.
What's THAT all about? If you resorted to spying on your wife, there are some big issues in your marriage already. Not many guys would do that...so what's really going on? Women don't stop having sex because they just don't feel like having it...five years is a long time to pout...
Maybe if you wanted to look at the whole problem and share that, some folks here could give you some thoughts.
For now, a simple "stay away from my wife" should send the guy a message. Don't threaten him...that just makes you look crazy...
People can do some pretty regrettable things when in an unhappy marriage...I think the two of you should have a talk about where you're going from here...before this situation gets out of control.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well, I'm so sorry this is going on in your marriage. I do admire a couple that tries to stay together for the kids. Too many couples separate when they can live peacefully together whether things are perfect or not so I commend couples that try to stick with the commitment they made when they had kids together.
Now, I agree that the issue is with your wife. The kissing and partying is on her. It may be a symptom of the status of your relationship problems or her own issues. But she is the one making choices.
Bad choices.
I think it is always easier to blame the 'other person' because then we don't need to address as firmly what our partner that we want to stay with did. We can take out our total anger on the other person that we can't fully express to the one who was responsible for the vow to us. It's misplaced anger.
I would not contact him. I'm for keeping drama to a minimum. Absolutely that would amp things up and make a bigger issue between your wife and you. I would ask her to find another job. PLENTY of restaurant jobs. She needs to leave that place of employment. If she balks, I would question if she is really sorry. I would also demand that you two begin counseling. If you are going to work on it, work on it. If you are going to party and kiss other people, time to call it quits. So, you need for the relationship to pushed off the fence one way or the other. REALLY work on it or let it go.
I know it's hard and again, I'm so sorry you are going through this. peace
Now, I agree that the issue is with your wife. The kissing and partying is on her. It may be a symptom of the status of your relationship problems or her own issues. But she is the one making choices.
Bad choices.
I think it is always easier to blame the 'other person' because then we don't need to address as firmly what our partner that we want to stay with did. We can take out our total anger on the other person that we can't fully express to the one who was responsible for the vow to us. It's misplaced anger.
I would not contact him. I'm for keeping drama to a minimum. Absolutely that would amp things up and make a bigger issue between your wife and you. I would ask her to find another job. PLENTY of restaurant jobs. She needs to leave that place of employment. If she balks, I would question if she is really sorry. I would also demand that you two begin counseling. If you are going to work on it, work on it. If you are going to party and kiss other people, time to call it quits. So, you need for the relationship to pushed off the fence one way or the other. REALLY work on it or let it go.
I know it's hard and again, I'm so sorry you are going through this. peace
Hi also. Losing intimacy in a relationship is very common but is not the most important of it by any means. When a woman meets a man they like, they use their sexual charm to attract him, its called seduction. After this they some what drop the ball and expect the man to continue the sexual prowess with out adding the seduction that was used in the begining.
Of course im generalizing here but am trying to point out the this is a failure of both by not understanding the dance of life in these areas.
I believe if women understood this and continued with the seduction, this would not be as common a issue.
I also feel that you as a man, short of having any physical issues with sex, should try to use your male prowess to bring back the seduction part from her.
With the young boy, if it were me, i would absolutly confront him about this as would set an example for him to know there are unseen consquences to fooling around with another mans wife. Hes most likely initiating all this in the first place.
Of course im generalizing here but am trying to point out the this is a failure of both by not understanding the dance of life in these areas.
I believe if women understood this and continued with the seduction, this would not be as common a issue.
I also feel that you as a man, short of having any physical issues with sex, should try to use your male prowess to bring back the seduction part from her.
With the young boy, if it were me, i would absolutly confront him about this as would set an example for him to know there are unseen consquences to fooling around with another mans wife. Hes most likely initiating all this in the first place.
I don't feel it's constructive or necessary at all to contact this guy. He knows it was wrong, it's not your job to teach him morals, and what if he reacts very badly, like with an "I don't care" attitude, or, "She wouldn't have gone after me if she was getting what she needed at home" kind of statement? That's been known to happen and it's just going to upset you that much more. Nothing good can come of that, and you're just focusing your anger on him as a reaction. Again, your wife is the one who needs to answer to this, not this young man.
Keep your focus where it needs to be...on your wife and your marriage, and make sure if the kids know anything, they know this has NOTHING to do with them at all. They shouldn't be in the mix in this situation, they shouldn't know what's going on, IMO.
Keep your focus where it needs to be...on your wife and your marriage, and make sure if the kids know anything, they know this has NOTHING to do with them at all. They shouldn't be in the mix in this situation, they shouldn't know what's going on, IMO.
You said yourself there is no intimacy in your marriage. She was probably bored with not being intimate and this younger guy has been showing her all kinds of attention so she fell for it. Don't say the same thing wouldn't have happened if the situation were reversed and you were the one being pursued by a young 20 something girl at your workplace. You'd probably end up kissing her too or maybe even more, who knows.
The problem isn't the kid here, it's your wife and your non existent relationship with her. For you to go off on this kid would do nothing except portray you as an out of control bully who can't keep it together. Word of that gets out then people will understand why your wife was kissing this kid and they would take her side. It's a classic story that has been on many tv shows and movies. Totally predictable. If you want to get to the root of the problem, confront your wife. She is the problem here not the kid.
If it wasn't this kid it would have been another kid. Your wife is the common denominator in this equation. You can try to avoid the problem and keep sweeping it under the rug but that won't help anything get solved. If you want this marriage to work out then both of you need to get your heads on straight and work on it for real. But it seems like from what you wrote that she is not interested in fixing it, in which case your only choice is to walk away. Both people need to be committed to fixing it or else it won't work. It sounds like that's where you're at right now.
The problem isn't the kid here, it's your wife and your non existent relationship with her. For you to go off on this kid would do nothing except portray you as an out of control bully who can't keep it together. Word of that gets out then people will understand why your wife was kissing this kid and they would take her side. It's a classic story that has been on many tv shows and movies. Totally predictable. If you want to get to the root of the problem, confront your wife. She is the problem here not the kid.
If it wasn't this kid it would have been another kid. Your wife is the common denominator in this equation. You can try to avoid the problem and keep sweeping it under the rug but that won't help anything get solved. If you want this marriage to work out then both of you need to get your heads on straight and work on it for real. But it seems like from what you wrote that she is not interested in fixing it, in which case your only choice is to walk away. Both people need to be committed to fixing it or else it won't work. It sounds like that's where you're at right now.
I totally agree with the Ladies before me, although I understand Your feelings towards this "young man". On some level we want to place/displace and direct Our anger on the other Person 'cuz we want to continue a relationship with the One who has betrayed us. It is Your Wife You have the issue with. She is the One who has a Commitment to You. She is the One who took Vows with You and She is the One who has broken the Bond with You. I have a hard time calling Him a "kid" as we all know what cheating is by the time we start kindergarten. He knows He did wrong. But, I too, feel the issue is with Your Wife. She is the one who has the commitment to You. Your problem is with Her. If You/She wants to repair this marriage You should immediately resume counseling.
Good Luck
Good Luck
I too think that your wife should be looking for another job. I mean, if you can afford it, she should give her two week or less notice, now. She needs to learn that she is an embarrassment to her entire family, acting that way. How old are your kids? Are they aware of what's happened?
Well, I don't see that there's too much wrong with you sending this kid a message. Saying that you are deeply disappointed in your wife, but also of him. He knows that your married and it's offensive that he doesn't have the family values that would stop him from coming in between a husband and wife. Saying that it's important to be able to empathize with other people, and the way to do that would be for him to put himself in the husband's shoes. Ask him how he would feel if it happened to him? I don't think it could hurt at this point.
Well, I don't see that there's too much wrong with you sending this kid a message. Saying that you are deeply disappointed in your wife, but also of him. He knows that your married and it's offensive that he doesn't have the family values that would stop him from coming in between a husband and wife. Saying that it's important to be able to empathize with other people, and the way to do that would be for him to put himself in the husband's shoes. Ask him how he would feel if it happened to him? I don't think it could hurt at this point.
The problem is with your wife, not this guy. You're mad at the wrong person here. HE has no obligation or loyalty to you, only she does. Of course what he did isn't right, but it's not your job to tell him that.
Don't contact him at all, and instead find out what needs to happen with your marriage. One stipulation may be that she quits her job. Not because it will keep her from cheating, but because it's an awkward situation all around and you now have trust issues.
NOTHING good can come of a "sit down" with this kid. You're not his dad, and you don't have to school him on morals. The sit down needs to happen with your wife, and your wife only.
Best to you, hope it works out.
Don't contact him at all, and instead find out what needs to happen with your marriage. One stipulation may be that she quits her job. Not because it will keep her from cheating, but because it's an awkward situation all around and you now have trust issues.
NOTHING good can come of a "sit down" with this kid. You're not his dad, and you don't have to school him on morals. The sit down needs to happen with your wife, and your wife only.
Best to you, hope it works out.
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