Hi,
Lately I have been feeling very empty inside me. I feel very sad, I have been drinking some wine and tears just go down. I pretty much feel that what happened to me throughout High School, had me have a very pessimistic way of looking at people and meeting them. I used to live in quebec, then moved to ontario. The change was cool, I was excited. Then before starting gr 8 I was abbused by some idiot guy. So as I started gr 8, things were good, I didnt let it bug me. I had so much attention from people, everyone wanted to talk to me, be my friend. etc. I felt confident, but I would completly ignore guys, and would only talk to girls. Till people started making rumors about me, from gr 8 till 12. Such as me being gay, a player, a snob, a loser, a rich kid, thought i owned everything and everyone. When in fact i never felt like i was any of thoses. I was just very prived and didnt want to make too much story about me. Throughout my entire life in high school, I just wanted people to like me, and be cool to me. All the guys hated me because all the girls would talk good things about me. And that really made me not want to ever be associated with my own gender. I constantly felt the grief i had from my past, and always looked at guys with no interest what so ever. I was plain and white. No emotions. So all in all, I became a guy more feminin.... i guess. I always had the newest clothing from the stores, i would match everything together, everything had to be organized. So much that when i look back i feel like i was such a fake person. I looked at my graduation garden party, urgk. fake smile, I dont give a **** about no one. Tho they all backstabbed me well, and I always would hear what they had said. Im more changed now after a year from being off high school. I still have my organized, well planned life. I get crazy and busy, depressed, mental sometimes. But now, I dont have emotions with no one. I have abstracted myself from all my friends, I dont even want to call my friends, i feel like they dont even like me. And I dont really care. but I cant even talk to new people. I dont know if I want people to know me. I sometimes want to live in a forest where only animals surround me! Am I becoming some kind of animal? with no social skills? How can I make peace with guys? How can I have guy friends? I know im not gay anymore. I tried, to know, if i was gay, and it turned me off... I tried with a girl, it was more interesting, i liked it alot.. but it didnt work out with her, cuz she was too different from me. I dont know my identity anymore. Im so lost. Please help me, i think im in a mid life crissis, where nothing works anymore. How can I confront theses things in my mind or something else? Please help me get through this.