I have been dating my girlfriend for 4 years now. We were just about to buy a home together when our relationship fell apart. Basically she is a busy girl with work and sports and as any normal guy, I wanted sex every night but we did not live together. The nights I wasn't able to see her, I logged onto a porn chat site to look at naked girls to get visual stimulation and would masterbate. I never made any personal attachments to these girls, just used them for visuals. My GF was using my computer and found this website...she was so upset. She looks at it as cheating on her. I tried to make her understand that there was no real connection with these girls but she was still very upset. I can understand how she can be upset about this, but I don't see it as cheating. After this issue came up, she then started telling me about how she hasnt been the the happiest in our relationship and how she has been holding feelings in. I love this girl soooo much and am trying anything to try get her to want to work things out. She said she needs time...and I have been giving her that. She still says she loves me, and thinks of me and also told me before that she sees a future with me, but she still needs time. Any ideas?
Most women like to feel like they are the "only one". Even if you truly never made any attactments to these girls it's still probably making her wonder why you did this. She's probably thinking that maybe you felt she wasn't enough for you and that really hurts. Women see things differently than men do when it comes to stuff like this. Just give her the time she requested and see how it goes from there. She probably just needs time to analyze what happened. That what we women do. Best of luck to you.
I agree with RockRose. In addition, when you are married- sex just doesn't happen every single night. If she had an issue with you masturbating to porn (which I would too), then she will have that issue if you were to get married... I think personally it is a cop-out to say that normal guys would do this too. She may not have had an issue if you masturbated to her.
I don't think I made this clear. The only reason I would masterbate and not have sex with her was because we do not live together. Many times I would masterbate to her....but the whole point was that I wouldn't see her that night and like I said we do not live together. I would love to be able to just make love to her all the time and not have to masterbate to some lame girls....I would just get horny and need to ***.
you will almost never find a girl who wants to have sex every single night, even if you did live together. the part that hurt her is that it was other girls. we see things differently. and rock rose is right. after 4 years i would be ready to move on too.
we know men masturbate. hell we do it too. what we don't want to know is that you got off when you were checking out another girl in a sexual manner. it depletes our sense of self worth. i am sure she is feeling inadequate now. i mean four years, you live apart, aren't married and you are using porn sites to get your sexual thrills. i know it sounds harsh, but you probably really hurt her.
I know I hurt her..I feel terrible for it too. She is the love of my life. There are reasons why we are not married right now...I would have loved to have been her husband. I wasnt completely truthful with the whole "sex every night", I just meant that I get horny allot and just had wished she was around. I just wish we could work this out and move forward in our relationship. I miss her so much right now since we aren't talking, and we did everything together before.
Mark, it sounds like she has other issues with the relationship - when she told you she hasn't been the happiest, and that she's been holding things in, maybe that's what you need to focus on? It sounds like she may even be using this computer porn issue as an excuse to separate a little. Has she told you what her other concerns were?
If you want a relationship to work, you need to focus on the needs of the other person. The fact that you are looking at porn would be a deal breaker for a lot of women. Personally I hate porn, it objectifies women and men.
If sex is that big of a part of who you are, you need to find someone with a compatible sex drive. The reality is that few women are up to having sex everyday. I would be so hurt if my husband used porn when he felt he needed more sex. The reality it that in a relationship there are ebbs and flos to the sex. Right now I am 4 weeks away from having our child. I am high risk and we are no longer able to engage in sex. I know my husband is trying to be patient, but I also know that I am the one he desires and he will wait until the time is right for us to start that part of our relationship again.
RockRose...I think you hit the spot with your comments. She has mentioned other things bothering her, and I think the porn was a way to deal with all the other stuff. I just wish there was a way that I could enforce how much I love her and how I never meant to hurt her in any way. I just want to be able to work things out with her and be with her. She means the world to me. The hardest part is giving her the space she asked for, but I have been respecting her wishes. I guess all I can do at this point is give her time to see if she sees a future with me and see if she can forgive me. I am a good person and would never want to hurt her...I want her to be the happiest woman EVER.
Hey Mark, my two cents: Whenever I read about people arguing over pornography it generally seems to be the symptom for underlying problems. It sounds like your girlfriend is giving you mixed messages (between wanting space but not wanting you to resort to porn). I hope you get a chance to talk to her about where your relationship is going, particularly if you plan on marrying her. Talk to her about this "needing space"... is it a chance to wind things down to a gentle breakup?
As far as the porn goes, although most posters here might not approve of/be comfortable with porn, I can vouch for one relationship where both me and my partner enjoy pornography together and separately. If I were you, I would not feel guilty about having looked at the porn. However, I would be concerned that you and your partner are falling terribly out of sync. Hope things are better!
Thanks for the kind words slow_healer. It looks like things turned for the worst. Im so broken right now. She finally told me that she still loves me, but doesn't have that intimate/sexual feeling for me anymore and we are breaking up. Im a total mess. We are meeting on Saturday morning to end it officially and get any unanswered questions answered since I believe I will need that for closure. I am still in a stage of denial....I cant believe this is happening to us. I thought we had such a good relationship...I guess I was unaware of her unhappiness. I feel so sick to my stomach and so lost and just wanna cry like a 2 year old. :(
I'm really sorry to hear that. Hopefully you will get some of the answers you are looking for, since it sounds like this caught you completely by surprise. I hope she will be respectful about how much you are hurting and answer your questions.
I hope so too. Im just waiting for her to call me to go and see her. Im having such a hard time with this whole situation. I dont understand how she wouldnt even want to give this relationship a chance? We spent 4 years together and now its just done and over with???? :(
Unfortunately sometimes people hide their unhappy feelings in a relationship hoping it will resolve itself. Then finally it builds to the point where they decide it's no longer manageable. Is that fair to the other partner? No. But that's the way people work sometimes.
I hope your meeting goes well. Don't beat yourself up, and give yourself lots of time to process. The sounding board is always here :)
thank god for the sounding board! The meeting actually went well. She answered all my questions and we were very nice to eachother. It was sooo hard to finally say goodbye, but I got to hug her tight in my arms which meant the world to me. We are leaving it up to fate to make things happen if they are meant to be. I would do anything to get back with her, but like you said, sometimes when the hurt builds up so much....its too overwhelming. The good thing is that she is seeking help for herself which makes me happy. I want her to be happy.... I miss her so much already and it hasnt even been a day yet :(
Does anyone have any good advice on how to make this easier on me? I am finding it so hard to not look at her pictures and emails she has sent me and finding out what she is up to. I have absolutely no interest in seeing other women since I LOVE this girl so much but I have to realize that she does not want to be with me and to stop thinking she might change her mind...and to not want to just sit around and wait (even if it took a year etc). I wish there was just a way to make this easier on me.
I know what you are going through as far as trying to forget or get over someone. I had a really hard time with my last break up , we were together for 5yrs, we had already lived together for 4 out of those 5yrs and we worked together (still do btw) So I had to deal with that. But do only thing I can say is keep busy, with friends maybe or I would go to the gym almost everyday for months. It is very hard, but it does get easier. I wish you lots of luck and less heartache. Take care.
Keep busy! Force yourself to get up and out the door. Force yourself to take up a hobby - ANYTHING to keep you from sitting still enough to think about her. I had a horrible breakup last year, still completely in love with my ex, and unable to get through the day without re-living the memory of our relationship. It's the worst time because more than you do you feel like you need to connect with somebody. Keeping active and busy was the only positive thing I did for myself during that time WITHOUT wearing out my friends :)
Also, when I was tempted to call my ex and I didn't have anyone to talk to, I would write a dialogue to myself, trying to figure out why I was holding on so back, or why I hurt so much. The pain may be terrible, but there are many little things you can do to take good care of yourself in the longrun. Hope this helps!
I am sorry to hear you are going through this, Mark. It does get better, because as cliche as this sounds, time really makes things better. Reach out to your friends right now and keep busy. You can and should cry about it and talk about it until you don't feel like talking about anymore. You are going through a hard time. Take care of yourself. If you like a certain ice cream or food, anything fun you like to do, or any special thing you've wanted but didn't feel like spending the money on. Now is a good time to treat yourself. You deserve to be happy too. I think you would be surprised what the future holds.
I went through a horrible break up last year, and I thought my life was over, but I started working out and spending time with my friends. Got myself a nice watch too:) Although I felt horrible for some time, I eventually started feeling better over the months. I didn't rush into dating, and I just let myself feel the pain. A few months later, I met a wonderful, thoughtful man, my present boyfriend. Someone who had I known that I would have met and felt so happy with in the future, I would have been so much more at peace with my breakup and it would have been so much easier on me. Of course life doesn't work that way. lol. I am a firm believer in fate. What is meant to be will happen!
thanks for the support everyone. I am trying to stay really busy but even when Im working out, or doing whatever...Im thinking of her and wishing things were just the same as before :( I know that this stage will probably pass with time. A huge problem Im having too is sleeping. I got some medication to help me, but its not really working. I have the most real feeling dreams and then feel like I get broken up with everytime I wake up. I dream about her ALL NIGHT. I just feel so stuck, and like some of you said, I dont want to keep talking about the situation with my friends since they are going to start to get annoyed. I dont have that many friends right now so that does make it difficult. When we were together, we liked doing everything together, so I kinda lost touch with most of my friends (another bad thing to do). Everything seems to be crashing down on me all at once. I just want time to pass so I can feel better. All the stuff I think of doing (example..vacation blah blah blah) Ive wanted to do with her, so I think I would just make it more difficult.
Mark76, you sound like you're handling everything very well. It sounds like you're staying quite realistic and rational despite how emotional this event must be. It's going to feel SO hard for a while. No matter how well your day goes - how determined you are not to dwell on it - you're still going to feel like your world has crumbled apart. You'll feel crazy obsessed (I also dreamt about my ex frequently during/after a hellish breakup).
DON'T beat yourself up for feeling this way. Not at all.
I found the only way to help it get better was to face it - the hurt, the anger, the confusion, the longing. Journaling and keeping busy helped to process these feelings (e.g. working out helped burn out some of the anger). Reward yourself with something small when you manage to get through the day (e.g. I paid myself $5/day to not email or call my ex, OR look at our old photos). I HAD to do these things to keep from obsessing. I had to re-construct positive goals in my life. Re-build friendships that had been drifting apart. Re-visit old hobbies. Re-focus on everything I was BEFORE the relationship, and re-integrate everything I had become during the relationship. It will take a lot of work - from yourself for yourself. I hope this advice is helpful - good luck!
My brother divorced this last year and I don't know if this was a good way to handle his emotions or not, but he eventually got through the pain. He moved in with our parents for a while and just watched his favorite shows after work until bedtime, for weeks on end. . I think the nurturing food and love from them helped. He also eventually became friends with a very nurturing person and spent a lot of time wtih her, (which probably wasn't good, because she fell in love with him, but he was just needing the care and comfort). But if you have nurturing people in your life, hang around them, let them comfort you during this time. Its tough on your own.
Thanks gain for the support. I don't even know you guys, but it helps to know that even strangers are willing to try and help me out. My ex is on vacation right now (she took a month off work because she was having a hard timt too) and for some reason Im finding it a little bit easier dealing with things right now. I have been spending a ton of quality time going for walks with my Mom just talking about feelings and getting a woman's perspective. That has helped a TON! Im also working out...biking, jogging etc..and thats making me feel better about myself. I was going to attempt to go for a drink or food with a girl to just chat....but for some reason, I feel like I am cheating on my ex if I hang out with another girl right now (I know that sounds stupid). Plus, I don't want someone to tell her that they saw me out with some girl and her thinking I am already over her and moving on to some other girl. It's going to be a long time before I can consider dating again...I just don't think it would be fair to myself, my ex and for the other girl. I am still very confused about the whole situation and just dealing with things one day at a time. I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare. :(
Hey Mark, It sounds like you are on the right track. It's good that you are taking things one day at a time because in reality thats all you can really do. As far as going out with another girl, I think it was good that you did not, only because you might have felt worse about the situation, and even though you would not be cheating, it would seem to soon. Keep your head up and I am glad to hear that you are feeling better, take care.
The hardest part is trying to forget about the idea of us ever getting back together. It really is like being in a bad dream. I just can't picture my future without her in my life....it just doesn't make sense, but I have to realize that it's over. So hard to let go
Mark, it is nice to see that there are still men out there who love with all their heart and it hurts just to read about their hearts getting broken at some point. There is no real shortcut for getting over a significant relationship except putting it into the big picture of life. When I was truly in love a long time ago and suddenly found myself outside the wonderful castle I thought he and I had built together, it felt like trying to breathe under water. All that heartache. I too distracted myself with sports and work and only started feeling better after I had packed all love letters and pictures and keepsakes in one special box so that the memories would not jump at me on a daily basis. What really helped was to move to a different city but obviously that is not always an option. Most guys and some girls switch to being emotionally detached in relationships after their first heartbreak. Try to stay just the way you are and you will find yourself being a happy man one day soon. And porn? There is a fine line when in a relationship. As long as it is an enhancement and not a substitute I personally have no problem with that. However, those images and ideas do tend to seep into guys` minds eventually and once they expect their partners to be and act like it, the very individual intimate relationship you have built up will be replaced with interchangeability. That`s just a note on the side for future reference...
Thanks for the advice. As far as porn goes...I feel discusted with myself that I could ruin such a good thing with something to pathetic. It was NEVER a replacement...I wish I could of been with her every night, but because of our living arrangements, that was not an option at that time. I never really needed the porn...it just became kind of a bad habbit. I would have NEVER gone on the site if I knew my GF would react like this. I know that there is more to our breakup then just the website, but she says it is a major cause of it. The hardest part is that she tells me that she is hurting sooooooo much and loves me sooooooooooooo much and still would love to have me in her life, but just doesn't see me in a "sexual" way right now. She said she doesn't know if that will change in the future, but right now she said she has absolutely no sex drive for me or in any way since the breakup. I think it would be easier for me to get over her and move on if I knew she just didn't love me or care for me anymore. She told me that she still just breaks out into tears during the day because she can't just pick up the phone and call me and have me there for support.
This is unreal...One day Im doing okay and right now...Im sitting at work and feel like Im gonna break into tears and puke. How the hell do I take control of my feelings. I am so sick of feeling like this every day. I go to sleep thinking of her...dream about her all night and then wake up to realize EVERY day that I have nobody :( Every morning I feel like I have absolutely nothing to look forward to...even when I try to force myself to think of something positive, that only lasts a lil while until I start thinking of her again and how confused I am that we aren't together. We make such a good couple and she keeps telling me how much she loves me everytime we talk....I just dont get it???????
I'm sorry you're going through this. One thing that I don't understand is why you keep talking to this girl. And why does she keep telling you she loves you but won't try to work things out with you? That's very frustrating. It's like she is pulling your strings - she has the power over you and you are just playing along. It's time to stop doing this. You've got to either get back together and work it out or let it go and move on. By letting it go, I mean no talking for at least 6 months, put all pictures and other reminders of her away, and start going out with other women. At the end of 6 months, if you and her still want to get back together, then work on that. Otherwise there are lots of other women out there that will make you happy but in the state of mind that you are now in, you will never attract anyone to you. You've got to move on with your life. If it means never talking to this girl, then so be it. But right now, she is playing with you and has some kind of a hold on you, probably because of the porn stuff that you now regret. You know what? If she is unwilling to work it out with you and can't get past this, then she can't be a good women to spend the rest of your life b/c what will happen when something else comes along that is hard to deal with??? Is she just going to pull away at that time too? It sounds like torture to me and unless you like or feel like you need to be beaten up, I say get away from this woman as quickly as possible. Find someone else. There is always someone else, and probably better than her, for you.
She does have a hold on me...she has my heart! The reasons why we were continuing to talk was because for a while we thought we might work on things. After, she said she just wants to be friends for now since she doesnt have sexual feelings for me right now and does not want to be in a relationship. She is very confused, and my psychologist says she is running from her issues and until she deals with this stuff, the relationship will never work. The other problem for us to work things out, is that we both still live with our parents which makes things vey difficult to get together and talk or "work things out" or at the least, try. As far as the still communicating,,,I guess I was trying to hold on to the thought of us getting back together. Its been over 2 weeks since I have talked to her and I don't plan on talking to her unless she calls me to tell me she wants to work on things. I can't be friends with someone I am still in love with. It is also frustrating when she tells me she loves me so much, and misses me, but then doesn't want to work things out....sooooo confusing. It has taken me a long time...but I am finally letting go...probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I don't feel like dating right now....I just need to deal with some of my own issues first and become strong again before I can even consider another relationship. We were together for over 4 years and she was a HUGE part of my life. I am concentrating on buying a home and a new car....
OMG...this pain is just killing me inside. I am sitting here at work wanting to cry :( I feel so weak and pathetic. How the hell am I ever going to get over her? She was everything i ever wanted in a woman. I feel so lost and scared and lonely. I have NEVER felt pain like this....someone please tell me something to make me feel better!
Hey, getting over her doesn't mean you have to forget everything about her and the life you had together. It doesn't mean you have to forget what you enjoyed about the past few years - especially what you about yourself when you were with her.
It's going to take a while... Such frustrating advice (believe me, I know). But if she's decided that the relationship is over, then I really recommend having no contact for a while. Tell her that you need the distance, as it is too awkward for you to keep talking like a couple. Keeping contact will keep that hope alive. I know you don't want to hear it, but you might wait all this time hoping "a break" means she's coming back. Then one day you'll see her, with someone else, and you'll be back to square one again. Those times when you are tempted to hang on to her and call her, think about the reality of the situation. She might feel lost, tell you she's lost, and keep you hanging, but push come to shove she's still decided to go... You deserve more than to be put on a back burner.
In the meantime, don't listen to anyone who tells you the best way to get over someone is to move on to someone new. Terrible advice! You're not only letting go of this amazing girl, but you're also letting go of the amazing life plans you had with her. Some times the dream we have with someone can be harder to let go of the actual person! When you can start to imagine your life without this person - your life with just you, living just as well as you ever were - you'll know that you're really starting to let go. Until then - until you can't go without thinking about how much you're missing your ex-girlfriend or how much more fun you would be having if she were here right now - don't date. You'll be cheating yourself and may end up hurting someone else.
You will get over this heartache. And you will become a stronger, more captivating person because of it. I hope this advice isn't too preachy. I had a terrible breakup one year ago, and I remember feeling wrung out. For a few weeks I laid in bed. I could barely walk out to the kitchen to eat. On a good day I went to work and got some exercise. But none of my friends really knew (or they did, and couldn't help) just how broken up I was, and it left me isolated. I said the same thing you just did: I didn't know I could feel so much pain.
But really, I know that no words will help right now. As time goes by, different pieces of advice will find their place in your situation. You are already doing all the right things you can possibly do for yourself. Let the grieving run its course, and praise yourself for how well you are doing. Believe it or not, you are handling this courageously, and you will be proud of yourself for it.
Sometimes the anxiety comes on SO strong I don't know where to turn. The hardest part about no contact, is that she was my BEST friend. We talked on the phone like little school girls when we couldn't be together. I miss that...the sharing....having someone there....it's all the routine stuff that is making it difficult. We would email eachother during the day, and call at least once a day at work, and then after work would make plans. I find myself just sitting, staring at my computer screen in a daze...like I don't know what just hit me.
I did give some bad advice abt starting to date again. I'm sorry, it's been a while since I had a break up! Dating immediately after a break-up is a bad idea for both you & whoever you go out with. You need to wait until you've processed everything and feel better about yourself and the situation.
no problem...I think it's going to be a while before I start dating again. I don't want the next person to deal with me if I am not 100% into her...that's just not right.
I think I might have come up with a way to "trick my mind".
Since I am having a hard time letting go of the thought that me and my ex could ever get back together..I was thinking of a way to get around this.
Both of us need to do some growing up and dealing with some issues before we could ever get back together in the first place. When she broke up with me, she said she is leaving it up to faith to see if we are meant to be.
I have been having an extremely hard time dealing with the rejection and keep holding on to the possible chance of her missing me and wanting to try and work things out together.
Instead of worrying about what may or may not happen in the future, I am thinking that if I take care of myself (get my own place, continue with my workouts, save some money, possibly new car, and deal with personal issues) if I concentrate on those things...I will either be better and be able to move on, or at that point fate will bring us back together.
My point is that I can hope for the best (that we get back together) but at the same time, not mope around and feel so down and depressed, and take care of myself.
AWESOME!!!! That is great thinking on your par :D. Now, if everyone going through what you are going through could think this way, it would be a much happier world. Unfortunately, break ups can be a part of life. The important thing is to either learn whatever we are supposed to learn from the experience and move on to a better place or let it destroy us. The outcome really is up to you. You're a very smart guy there Mark. All the best!!!!
I am just sick of feeling like **** for the last 3 months. The way I look at it, it's a win-win situation. By the time I get through the stuff I need to work on, I will be in a better place, but I can also use the thought of my ex and I getting back together as motivation, and if we don't, I will be much stronger and probably ready to move on.
Hey Mark, so glad to hear the optimism in your last post! It sounds like your heart is finally accepting the change in your life. I know it sounds corny, but I think you know the difference between understanding what you need to do and believing it :)
haha, mayflowers, I didn't realize it was you who suggested that. Don't feel embarrassed - different things work for different people ;)
Well I still don't know if I am believing it yet...but I am trying! When breakups happen so quickly (without seeing the signs) it is so hard to make any sense of what happened and what is happening. Like I said though...I just need to take care of myself, and let whatever happens happen... She knows I love her and always will...what happens from now on is up to fate.
My counselor suggested a book called "The Power of Now" (A guide to spiritual enlightenment). I just went to the store and got it...I'll read anything to try and make me feel better and move forward at this point.
I have to say that you saying this about yourself helps my situation. As my now fiance did thew same thing...(looked at porn and singles sites for nuddie pics when i wasnt home) and I understand it though he lied about having it even knowing i caught him. He admitted it after I dropped it and let it go. then brought it up a couple months later and said i know you have these sites, I jsut want to know why you do and if you are wanting to end this. He said no not at all I love you and want to be with you for the rest of my life, we are just working opposite shifts and sleeping opposite shifts so we dont always get to be intimate. (we only saw eachother for maybe an hour a night when he was having "breakfast" when I got home from work. Its a diffcult situation adn I see where you adn her are coming from. Its understandable how you both are reacting, just suggest talking about it and be 100% opena dn honest. There is no point in lieing about it now.
Through the computer out of the window never look at porn people have sex to much outside of true commitment and marriage it's not a matter of religion but a matter of being responsible. Sex and porn just creates more need for it. In a real relationship it's important that sex is meaningful not just to get off. That can just lead to addiction which can ruin your relationships and marriages.
excuse me mark, but I was just reading your story and how you were dealing with that situation. Did you finally overcome the situation? did you came back with her or you didnt?. Actually this was very helpful for me
One thing ive learned over the years is that women are historical men are hysterical.Women will always dredge up the past as use it on you.Its their way of whipping us.Even though they wont admit it but they do it and not even see they are doing it.They are a creature of habit.On the other hand its like when a woman says she has nothing to wear means she has nothing new to wear.Us men,when we say we have nothing to wear means we have nothing clean to wear.So in prospective women need to try and clean the slate and take a time out to start over,ie)the whole trust building issue which im sure most of us men and i will admit im one of them has to suck it up.When a man feels betrayed we pretty much get over it quick.Because our make up is that of the fitest for survival.In other words we get up brush of the dirt and heal from our bruises and move ahead without hanging on to the past.Hope it helps pal.But yes lookingat other women in that way is a sin and is a form of cheating on her.So you have some ground work to recover.
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