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How to know when to stay or leave your marriage?
I need some real advice right now because I am dealing with some serious marriage problems. Me and my wife have been married right at 2 years and together for 4 years. Anyways if you would asked me a month ago I would of told you I had a great marriage.I found out early even before we were married that my wife was not the Sara Lee Homemaker. I knew besides working and paying all the bills (she stays at home with the kids) that I would be doing most of the cleaning,cooking, and taking care of the kids. The thing is I didn't mind doing that as long as I knew I had a loving,trustful,faithful wife at home. Fast forward to the end of May I found out my wife cheated on me with some guy she was talking to on Facebook. At the moment I knew in my heart if we Did not have 3 kids ( 1 together, 2 she had before, that we are currently going through the adoption steps) that I would of been done! However for my kids because I do not want them going house to house or around strange men, I told her we would try to work things out. She did the typical, Im so sorry I did this, I'm so wrong, please forgive me speech. SO like I said I told her we will work this out ( because of my kids) and everything would be ok. 2 days later she went to see the loser again, then came home and confessed. I guess during this meeting, the guy basically told her she needs to try to work things out with her husband. So that's what she is trying to do now. I really believe in my heart if this guy would of been all in and said please be with me and leave your husband she would of been on board, Btw during a argument about this she told me this guy was a better lay then I was.SO she has no idea of how look at her now. I do not trust or respect her for doing this to our marriage. I never saw this coming because she just made me feel that the last thing that would ever happen in this world is that she would cheat on me. I have been so depressed I cant even think straight. I feel like I have no other choice but to stay in the marriage because of the kids and the fact she doesn't work or have any of her own money.I know I have not been the perfect husband, my wife says she did all this because I wasnt giving her the attention she deserves,Which I will agree with that to some point, but I believe if you are unhappy in your marriage leave, then down the road meet someone that makes you happy, Do Not Break your wedding vows and commit Adultery! AM I wrong for thinking I deserve a relationship where the person im with is loyal and trusting and something like this never happens. Hell I want what my wife has a loyal trusting faithful spouse. EVen if my wife would to walk the straight and narrow from now on ( I have my doubts she would ) I just feel like I can not get over her cheating, Please any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.
Hope you had a great 4th of July with the family, and hope you come back and talk about how your wife needs you to help her to become more nurturing to the kids, ie. cooking, cleaning so that they can remember their mother as a domesticated and caring mom.
And if you do continue to enable her to her laziness and lack of effective parenting, and you die tomorrow (knock on wood), what would become of your mutual child, her two kids, and your adopted child (if you go ahead with that)? If you don't make a commitment to end the enabling of her not changing herself so that she can have some pride, are you the best choice of partner for her? IF you could talk to your kids, 20 years down the road, what do you think they would say about trying to help their mother get help for herself so that she can be more PRESENT ..? so that she can take more PRIDE in herself? would they want her to stay the way she has been enabled ? you doing all the work and getting all the pride and glory of raising your kids mostly alone?
The cheating was a small short side effect of a much bigger problem, yet you've said nothing about that since the start, only about your loss. It seems you are unable to see the problem., so i think that a therapist should be sought for marriage counseling, because i don't think that with the pain you're in , you're going to be able to deal with the larger problem, that she doesn't connect in a maternal way (no cooking cleaning etc). in the home. You're not worried that she will be looked at as ineffective by her kids, that's a hell all on it's own.
The cheating was a small short side effect of a much bigger problem, yet you've said nothing about that since the start, only about your loss. It seems you are unable to see the problem., so i think that a therapist should be sought for marriage counseling, because i don't think that with the pain you're in , you're going to be able to deal with the larger problem, that she doesn't connect in a maternal way (no cooking cleaning etc). in the home. You're not worried that she will be looked at as ineffective by her kids, that's a hell all on it's own.
The things that were happening in the first place, that had her depressed and going out and cheating NEED work. She needs to deal with it or she can fall back into the trap of cheating again. You haven't mentioned anything about your wife's problems. Why is she unable to commit to the family in way?
You've said,... Anyways if you would asked me a month ago I would of told you I had a great marriage.I found out early even before we were married that my wife was not the Sara Lee Homemaker. I knew besides working and paying all the bills (she stays at home with the kids) that I would be doing most of the cleaning,cooking, and taking care of the kids.
This would not be considered a "great" marriage. If you refuse to see the underlying problem and try to get her to fix what's wrong, i fear the same thing may happen. It' s not okay to reward a women with a committment free life if she and you are doing well in bed. You cannot continue to enable her to not care about herself (as a mother' and wife and women who is truly valued in the home) At the end of her days, she will not thank you for enabling her to continue to self destruct and if she has no pride in herself as a women she will cheat to fill the deep dark hole that is the void created without her feeling that she is truly needed to part of the family and not just arm candy or satisfying in bed.
Please, help her to become a women that she can be proud of , as well as the kids. Raise your expectations so that she can be fulfilled as a human being. Otherwise, you are not the best match for her.
You've said,... Anyways if you would asked me a month ago I would of told you I had a great marriage.I found out early even before we were married that my wife was not the Sara Lee Homemaker. I knew besides working and paying all the bills (she stays at home with the kids) that I would be doing most of the cleaning,cooking, and taking care of the kids.
This would not be considered a "great" marriage. If you refuse to see the underlying problem and try to get her to fix what's wrong, i fear the same thing may happen. It' s not okay to reward a women with a committment free life if she and you are doing well in bed. You cannot continue to enable her to not care about herself (as a mother' and wife and women who is truly valued in the home) At the end of her days, she will not thank you for enabling her to continue to self destruct and if she has no pride in herself as a women she will cheat to fill the deep dark hole that is the void created without her feeling that she is truly needed to part of the family and not just arm candy or satisfying in bed.
Please, help her to become a women that she can be proud of , as well as the kids. Raise your expectations so that she can be fulfilled as a human being. Otherwise, you are not the best match for her.
While your wife does have a spouse that is faithful and you do not, she also has to look at herself in the mirror for the rest of her life knowing that she has been a cheater and that morally she is considered reprehensible to most, including herself. Never envy a sinner for they too have their own cross to bear for a lifetime and possibly beyond...
maybe it will help you knowing that she has devalued herself (your trust in her) and that she must be suffering the consequences of that.?
have you read any messages here of people that have cheated and feel so utterly low down ? that hold on to the secret so that their spouse doesn't ever need to feel like you do? it's a terrible thing to live with yourself after you've disappointed the one that you love, and that loves you.
take some time to think about the loss that she is suffering in her soul for her mistakes, her sins. and see if it helps your perspective at all.
maybe it will help you knowing that she has devalued herself (your trust in her) and that she must be suffering the consequences of that.?
have you read any messages here of people that have cheated and feel so utterly low down ? that hold on to the secret so that their spouse doesn't ever need to feel like you do? it's a terrible thing to live with yourself after you've disappointed the one that you love, and that loves you.
take some time to think about the loss that she is suffering in her soul for her mistakes, her sins. and see if it helps your perspective at all.
Thank you guys for some really great advice and taking the time to listen and help me with my problems. Just like to give everybody a update of where things stand ! Me and my wife have agreed to try to work things out for the kids and for our marriage. We have been trying to have a normal life, We have been intimate, and have had some really good nights. As far as she knows our marriage is back on track. However not a minute of each hour that the thought of my wife with another man hasnt crossed my mind. I can not stop thinking about it. It is by far the most painful thing I have ever had to deal with. The one thing, the most important thing to me in my marriage was Me and my spouse were always faithful to each other. Now I dnt have that anymore. SO a part of me thinks if we split up can I find that that trusting,faithful relationship with someone else. Or I have to live with the fact that the thing I valued the most in marriage is now gone. My wife is really trying and wanting our marriage to work, and so do I, but I cnt get this out of my mind, It is driving me crazy, Anyone else ever had this problem? Am I crazy that I cant let this go? I want to but it is in my mind 24/7. Its just not fair that my wife still has a faithful spouse that didnt break there marriage vows and I no longer have that.I would give my right arm to have that!
Some women have deep seated issues prior to motherhood and have no coping mechanisms, and no natural abilities raising their own children.It is an extension of having been raised in a co-dependent relationship. If a person is not taught how to swim, if a boat capsizes, they will surely drown. That being said, it sounds like your wife is depressed. It is not okay that she is an ineffective parent. If a person was an alcoholic you would ideally get them help. If you didn't the alcoholic would blame you for being an enabler. Many times person's will enable another because they find value in being in control. I'm not blaming you i'm suggesting that there is much under the surface that needs realignment. Yes, it will take time for you to heal, if you ever do, but regardless of that fact, you have a mutual child and you need to insist she seek therapy to unearth her lack of motivation in her children's live (3 children !!!) . I think the cheating was just an extension of her inability to be an effective parent, or enjoy a proud existence. If she is not interested in change for herself, i think that you will be much more unhappy with the arrangement of you continuing to enable her lack of drive. (especially if you are not able to have intimate relations due to her stepping out on you). So , you too should herald in a change, starting with her. You could also use a therapist to get you through, and maybe down the line, you'll both meet in the middle and maybe talk to a marriage counselor. But, first things first. She needs help to become a true mother, or she will never be able to be proud of herself in this life. Even though she hurt you so, please find it in your heart to get her the help she needs to bond with her children, because as it stands, they are being cheated out for a mother and it may affect them all gravely in times to come. That's the most important thing here, the kids. You will find resolution in time, and either heal this relationship or move on to a better one, but those kids will only have one biological mother. Your kids one day, when knowing the full story, even if its in heaven and you both keep this indiscretion to the death bed, will be so proud ot their papa. Let us know how it goes. We're all here for you. Thank you for posting Your kids are lucky to have you.
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It might be a GREAT TIME for your wife to start a course online to keep herself busy. Like a business management course so she can go back to work as the manager of the salon? Often it helps a great deal to focus on therapy, if we are progressing other areas. Pushing for physical activity also. Suggesting she go swimming at the YWCA would be good for her if she were depressed. Forget thinking about not trusting her if she goes out, if she's going to cheat she will find a way while you're at work. Promote her bringing the kids to learn to swim, you go too. But don't make it easy for her to not be a parent. There are all kinds of kids that are brought up in homes by their mother's and/or father's and learn ineffectiveness. It sounds like this may have been her fate. Help to break the cycle, for it is your child that bares witness to this co-dependence, and your child that could repeat it in their lives. I'm praying for you and your family. God bless you all.
Actually, it's called "LEARNED HELPLESSNESS".
Learned helplessness theory is the view that clinical depression and related mental illnesses may result from such real or perceived absence of control over the outcome of a situation
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, it's rough. Getting that image out of your head will take a good deal of time and effort. I'm so sorry about that. Hopefully she is legit and wanting to work on this too. I hope you two can heal! peace
Thank you specialmom for the advice bc I have been leaning that way bc of the kids. It just ***** that it had to go this far , Every time I look at her now I can't stop thinking about her with another man. I wanted to say my wife was always faithful to me and now I cnt say that. Im trying to deal with the fact that no matter what happens, She still broke our vows and how to live life knowing that, if that makes any since! Basically the life and wife I thought I had and what I have now are 2 differnt things and that is a bitter pill to swallow
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm sorry to hear this and to read what you are going through. I agree that she sounds depressed. I also understand how you must feel having been cheated on and wondering if she would stay with you if the other man hadn't told her to. I'm sure it feels like things could never be the same.
I'm not sure what to tell you other than if you feel she may want to work on things, that you 'could' give it your best effort and try counseling before leaving. She may need help for emotional issues. I think too that it is important--- and I say this carefully as I don't think the cheated on person is to blame for that poor choice--- but often, there are issues in the relationship that BOTH need to work on as to how they contribute to those problems. She did wrong, but was this also a symptom of how she feels in the relationship, made to feel this way by you? Again, not blaming you but if we are ever to truly heal a relationship, all parties have to be their best self and look for how they themselves can improve on things. Often the hurt party just punishes and doesn't look for ways to work on things themselves, so I just encourage you to do that if you want to try to work this out.
Do I think giving it the best effort since kids are in the picture? Yes. I do. If it doesn't work out, you walk away knowing you tried EVERYTHING. It's much harder to see kids and at best, you'll see them just half the time if you leave. That may be okay but for me, that would make me do whatever I could to try to fix things. It might now work--- but don't leave until you've tried everything. I wish you the best because I know this probably feels like an impossible hurdle right now. Keep us abreast of what happens and your progress. peace
I'm not sure what to tell you other than if you feel she may want to work on things, that you 'could' give it your best effort and try counseling before leaving. She may need help for emotional issues. I think too that it is important--- and I say this carefully as I don't think the cheated on person is to blame for that poor choice--- but often, there are issues in the relationship that BOTH need to work on as to how they contribute to those problems. She did wrong, but was this also a symptom of how she feels in the relationship, made to feel this way by you? Again, not blaming you but if we are ever to truly heal a relationship, all parties have to be their best self and look for how they themselves can improve on things. Often the hurt party just punishes and doesn't look for ways to work on things themselves, so I just encourage you to do that if you want to try to work this out.
Do I think giving it the best effort since kids are in the picture? Yes. I do. If it doesn't work out, you walk away knowing you tried EVERYTHING. It's much harder to see kids and at best, you'll see them just half the time if you leave. That may be okay but for me, that would make me do whatever I could to try to fix things. It might now work--- but don't leave until you've tried everything. I wish you the best because I know this probably feels like an impossible hurdle right now. Keep us abreast of what happens and your progress. peace
So if you're at work, who takes care of the kids while she sleeps til the afternoon? Do you work unusual hours?
Honestly, she sounds depressed.
Honestly, she sounds depressed.
well the last 6 months or so her sleeping has been even worse. She will go to bed around 3,4 am and wakes up 2,3 pm. She is a former hair dresser ( how we met) and it made more since for her to stay home instead of sending the baby ( now 2 ) to daycare. She does the laundry but I do the rest of the cleaning
I'm curious about what she does with her time, and what her focus in her life is.
She doesn't work, she doesn't take care of the kids if you're around to do it, she doesn't take care of the house and cook.
I'm just trying to get a clear picture of what she is about.
She doesn't work, she doesn't take care of the kids if you're around to do it, she doesn't take care of the house and cook.
I'm just trying to get a clear picture of what she is about.
Hi and sorry what your going through. ive been in similar situation in my first marriage and did walk away and it was the best decision i have ever made. She made her bed and she now has to lay in it. Your a good man even supporting her past 2 children. I would suggest taking a long break from her and possibly having pertioning the courts for custody of your child. You do deserve a loving family. This is just terrible what shes doing to you and even blaming you for her cheating actions. Just terrible!
dave
dave
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