Hubby's controlling and un trusting

Hi everyone,

Its my first time to go onto this forum, but i thought i could do with your advise about my issues. I got married to my hubby in 2002 and he worked in another town until early last year when he moved to my town - couldnt shift to leave with him becasue of my Job - we live in Africa and it is not easy to get jobs. In 2004 we were blessed with a baby boy. When the baby was 6 months old my dh started pestering me to have another one - i took a 3 months injection and i didnt tell him at the time. When my baby was 4 months old - i went out for a work dinner (i have a baby sitter and at the time my neice and 2 nephews aged 18, 15 and 12 were visiting) so the real problem begun then - after dinner my collegues wanted to watch soccer so we shifted to the bar side of the hotel and i decided not to pick my hubby's phone cos i didnt want him to hear the noise in the background and i knew he would start telling me that am abandoning the baby etc - i wanted to have fun - it was my 1st outing since having the baby. When i answered his phone finally when i was in the car - he really fricked out - i found 21 missed calls. He insisted that i must have been with a man, one one of my collegues called me to find out if i had reached home and offcourse my dh called and the phone was busy so he concluded that it must have been the man i was with etc - we somehow settled it but from then things changed - i should never ever fail to answer his calls. Things became ok until sometime in 2005 when i had to travel for work to an upcountry station - he kept on calling like every after a

[RKRSK]

sori my story is long. At nite he kept calling too; when i came back the next morn, a male workmate sent me an sms looking for another collegues No. and when i sent to him he replied "you are the best" like "thank you" - dh read the sms and he blew it - that i must have been with the guy during my over night stay away, etc from that day on he started checking my phone reading messages, etc. This year i changed jobs so that he is happy that i wont be meeting my workmates again but i got a similar experience when i went for lunch with my boss who works at our regional office in another country - he was wild about this too. When i travelled 4 2 weeks to another country - he came to visit in the last week and he went into my phone and set save sent txt, he deleted all guy's numbers that are not relatives. He all the time accusses me of being with men and yet am home everyday n am not supposed to go anywhere without his knowlede and even if he has travelled - he roams so he can always call - we talk like 7 times a day - the phone bill is really huge. Last straw was recent when he called and i was in the car taking our toddler to the children's play area - he also blew his top that i didnt involve him in the decision. In between all this, we are trying to conceive and he blames me every month that we dont succeed cos he found out during one of the visits to the Drs that i took the injection. I went to visit him in another country where he is working and we had a nice weekend and agreed to change. I have a work dinner today and the vibe is already bad - exchanging emails and sms and talking - though it doesnt come out - he would rather stop me. I dont go anywhere without telling him and my work involves going to see clients so i send him sms to let him know when am going out, i must answer the phone even if in the mtg, my life is misearable. Otherwise - he can be loving and caring but then change again. please i need your advise.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Why would you bring another child into this stressful situation?  You and your husband need to work out your problems.  Another baby is only going to make it worse.

YOu need professional counselling, it sounds like it has the potential to be an abusive situation.

If he can't change, you need to get out.

[glad2bamom]

It doesn't necessarily sound to me like the issue is with your husband.  It sounds like the issue is with you.  When you are married, you don't make HUGE decisions, like birth control, and hide it from your husband.
I don't think that any of the things you mentioned are horrible, but put them all together, and can't you see why your hubby doesn't trust you?  
You need to start "over" again with him.  Let him know where you will be, what time you'll be home, etc.  My hubby and I have never had trust issues, and I still let him know these things, and vice versa.
Trust and communication are absolutes in marriage in order to be successful.
Good luck.

[sparkeler]

It sounds like you two don't want the same things.  Do you want to be in this marriage?  If so, I agree with the above posters, seek counseling.  Otherwise, get out.  It will only continue to spiral downward.

[boogaloo]

She takes a three month shot and that makes her untrustworthy?  Hmm, I absoluetely disagree there.  Her husband is incredibly insecure and controling.  That fact that he calls so much during work hours and meetings is absolutely ridculous.  She's told him where she's going to be at and yet he still is out of control.  He is almost begging for her to become sneaky.  

To the poster: I don't know where you are in Africa or how the counseling system works there.  Definately check into that if it's available and if you want to continue the marriage.  I personally would not be able to put up with it.

I hope you are able to resolve this in whatever way is best for you and your family.

[Carolengy]

Wow! That sounds explosive! First of all where is all that mistrust coming from? Have either one of you been dishonest with the each other in the past?  Sounds as well that you spend a lot of time apart, anyway I agree that under this circumstances to bring another child into this home is a mistake, you can

[JC221]

My lord, your husband would be literally ripping his hair out if he was dating/married to my fiance' hahaha!..ha....

I can see why he was skeptical about those several events. However, your explinations (which I'm sure you did so) should have settled him down--he is obivously an insecure man--how you deal with this is vital to your relationship and his mental health.

Have a serious talk with him--make sure he releases everything that has been troubling him. Make a resolution to the problem. Let him know how you feel--as said earlier in the thread, communication is key to a healthy relationship. If he truly loves you, he will understand your situations in your workplace--its not like you work at a strip club for God sakes!(then I could see skeptisim about other guys bothering you because some woman don't like telling their man that some drunk fool said something vulgar--or tried to grab them haha)

Talk to him about everything that has been stressing you out--do so gently and where you two can be alone. You have done a lot for this man--you have left a job before--you do everything he asks--your very sweet and faithful from what I can see--he just needs to stop being such an insecure person.

If he can't be an adult about this, try it professionally--i.e a couples counselor. That should take off the rough edges. Maybe he will believe someone with a degree?

Your relationship seems to be fine otherwise. It may be extremely hard at first--but don't knuckle down--keep going at it! Good wishes be with you!~~

[glad2bamom]

"we shifted to the bar side of the hotel and i decided not to pick my hubby's phone cos i didnt want him to hear the noise in the background and i knew he would start telling me that am abandoning the baby etc - i wanted to have fun - it was my 1st outing since having the baby."

Maybe if she picked up his call the first time, he wouldn't feel the need to call repeatedly.  I'm just saying, dishonesty breeds doubt.

[ticked]

i agree with boogaloo.  I was in that situation.  He is controlling, and insecure.  My ex used to call me at work all the time and i work with men because I am in the transportation industry.  He would hear drivers around my desk and he would acuse me of F---- them.  If i didnt answer the phone the first time for any reason he would call back and every call got more angrier and angrier.  He was crazy.  I understand why she didnt answer the phone.  Unless you have been in that situation you wouldnt understand. he hears a man in the background, could be just someone randomly walking by and he thinks she is cheating on him.  why bother. I totally understand and i think that you need to leave this situation because trust me it only gets worse.

[RKRSK]

Thank you all for your kind words and advise. We have actually been for counselling, we have had meetings with both our parents, but nothing is changing. I agree with the one of the posters that i should have involved him on taking an injection - i apologised and told him it will never happen again. He loves babies so much and he says if we have the 4 he wants (I want 2) - everything will be fine. We havent agreed on that one - though we are both professionals - hes a civil engineer and am an HR consultant - we havent made enough money to give the best to our children - we dont even own a house and he wants 4 children. I would like to keep the marriage - we have talked - he promises to change but nothing. I will think through your advise seriously - will keep you posted. We are having a holiday trip for Christmas - and our 4th anniversary - hope we shall renew our vows and start life all over again.
Thanks very much.