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Husband Cheats
I had been with my husband 14 years before we both decided to get married (we never lived together). We bought a condo together in May 2004; however he did not move in until we got married in Sept 2006. I am now 6 weeks pregnant and just found out on Valentine's Day 2009 that he had an affair with a woman since 2003 and ended in October 2008. I had no idea. We live two hours from where he works and he would spend 1-2 nights a week at a co-workers house (which was her house) because of the commute. I spoke to her in length about the situation and she said he had met her parents and they wanted her to marry him and that she was in love with him. She says she broke off the relationship because he could not give her the time she needed and felt he was hiding something; however he says he broke off the relationship. She also said she has HPV and she did not tell him and unfortunately I have it now. What do I do?? Do I try to work it out because of the child? If I terminate the pregnancy my family will never talk to me again. I have been with him half of my life.
Pleas help!
Pleas help!
Definitely look at adoption then - there are so many couples who would be more than happy to provide for your child and love them. Even though the circumstances are less than ideal, I still think it would be something easier to live with than terminating the pregnancy.
In regards to God's plan for marriage, someone had posted about this - it is God's plan for marriage to be for a lifetime but there are also considerations for infidelity where divorce is allowed. I think this would clearly fall under that and if she can forgive her husband and move on, go for it - but I wouldn't be surprised if this happened again and again and 3 kids and 2 affairs later... she would be in an even worse situation.
In regards to God's plan for marriage, someone had posted about this - it is God's plan for marriage to be for a lifetime but there are also considerations for infidelity where divorce is allowed. I think this would clearly fall under that and if she can forgive her husband and move on, go for it - but I wouldn't be surprised if this happened again and again and 3 kids and 2 affairs later... she would be in an even worse situation.
I think the baby should be a separate decision to whether you stay with this fool or not.
I never wanted children, but then all of my friends began having them and the outside pressures from family members to have them changed my mind. I was perfectly happy with my life without a child and would be. I feel I would resent the child and to have to deal with the cheating husband for the rest of my life over the child. Unbearable. He has started therapy this week and they believe he is bi-polar and ADD, which I think is just an excuse. The only reason my husband is sorry is because he got caught. I can't believe he let me walk down the isle and waste my parents money and then allow me to get pregnant knowing his deception! I can never forgive him and certainly will I never forget.
sorry about that. i believe women have the right to choose to terminate a pregnancy, but you shouldn't terminate it over him. it would be a mistake, it seems, to continue the same relationship with a man who was capable of lying to you for that length of time; he had a long time to think about and act upon what he was doing. that, however, doesn't mean you should not have a child because of him. he can continue to be in your child's life, if you want, by being a father but with a distance from you. a child is no good reason to continue a relationship. i can say that my parents stayed together for the kids, and when they divorced finally i was young. but they ought to have divorced for the kids, since growing up with unhappy parents, one of whom is lying, is not fair to a child either. at the same time, you should be having a child because YOU want one, not your boyfriend... if you still want one, then you can be the best mother you can be. which would mean leaving liars out of your life and being a strong single mother.
Hello TT626,
In considering whether to divorce your husband you need to closely look at many factors before you make any decision. First, did your husband share this affair with you asking for your forgiveness and does he desire to continue your marriage? I do not know your beliefs but God designed marriage between a man and a woman with the intent that you stay together for your lifetime. You had mentioned and asked the question "Should I stay in the marriage for the child?" If you and your husband desires to stay married to you then I suggest that the two of you seek counseling. The fact that you are pregnent with a child will add some complexities to you making your decision as you will find that the pregnancy will become a driving force of emotions. I suggest that you seek counceling as soon as possible if you both agree to make it work out.
Regarding HPV. I suggest you see your doctor to determine the type you have as there can be some severe complications leading to cervical cancer depending on the type.
I will pray that things go well for you and your husband and that you can make things work. Forgiveness, is not easy but has some wonderful rewards down the line.
Sincerely,
Steve
In considering whether to divorce your husband you need to closely look at many factors before you make any decision. First, did your husband share this affair with you asking for your forgiveness and does he desire to continue your marriage? I do not know your beliefs but God designed marriage between a man and a woman with the intent that you stay together for your lifetime. You had mentioned and asked the question "Should I stay in the marriage for the child?" If you and your husband desires to stay married to you then I suggest that the two of you seek counseling. The fact that you are pregnent with a child will add some complexities to you making your decision as you will find that the pregnancy will become a driving force of emotions. I suggest that you seek counceling as soon as possible if you both agree to make it work out.
Regarding HPV. I suggest you see your doctor to determine the type you have as there can be some severe complications leading to cervical cancer depending on the type.
I will pray that things go well for you and your husband and that you can make things work. Forgiveness, is not easy but has some wonderful rewards down the line.
Sincerely,
Steve
I agree wtih pcarsey - this was not just a sexual affair but a relationship. He met her parents for goodness sake!!! Let me start with the fact I am not an advocate for divorce. However, I am writing my advice in the form of what I would do.
1. Terminating your pregnancy may make it where you would not talk to yourself again - I do not think doing that will help the situation and with all of this arising, your emotions probably would not allow for a thought out decision. I am also against abortion but that is irrelevant to your situation.
2. This was not a one time thing, or a 2 time thing - he has been doing this behind your back for 5 years and then he didn't even have the balls to tell you about it! He bought a house with you and got married to while seeing another woman. Your entire relationship is built on lies and deceit.
3. You got HPV from this... this is awful and I feel very bad for you and is just another example of how truly unworthy this man is of anything positive from you.
With this in mind, I would leave his sorry butt at the door step and file for divorce and take him for everything he had. I am sure this may not be the most mature way to handle things, but it is in all honesty what I would do. You say sticking it out for the well-being of a child... there is nothing about this man that would bring good for a child. Your child could learn to cheat on his wife or looking for a man who will cheat on her and not respect her. In addition to that, if you did stick together could you ever forgive him? Perhaps not so your marriage will be the model for your kids... again, probably not the best for them.
Leave him - you deserve FAR better.
1. Terminating your pregnancy may make it where you would not talk to yourself again - I do not think doing that will help the situation and with all of this arising, your emotions probably would not allow for a thought out decision. I am also against abortion but that is irrelevant to your situation.
2. This was not a one time thing, or a 2 time thing - he has been doing this behind your back for 5 years and then he didn't even have the balls to tell you about it! He bought a house with you and got married to while seeing another woman. Your entire relationship is built on lies and deceit.
3. You got HPV from this... this is awful and I feel very bad for you and is just another example of how truly unworthy this man is of anything positive from you.
With this in mind, I would leave his sorry butt at the door step and file for divorce and take him for everything he had. I am sure this may not be the most mature way to handle things, but it is in all honesty what I would do. You say sticking it out for the well-being of a child... there is nothing about this man that would bring good for a child. Your child could learn to cheat on his wife or looking for a man who will cheat on her and not respect her. In addition to that, if you did stick together could you ever forgive him? Perhaps not so your marriage will be the model for your kids... again, probably not the best for them.
Leave him - you deserve FAR better.
I don't believe it was an "affair" rather then a relationship. This went on for 5 years! That is just not the average affair. I also don't think you would have to abort the baby just because of him cheating, however if you are referring to the HPV then I don't know what to say there because I don't know anything about that. I do want to wish you luck with everything that you are going through!
And her having HPV and not telling him, just shows that she was using him for all the extra benefits. Why on earth would she have this, be sexually involved with someone and not tell them?? Irresponsible, Selfish, and Immature!!
And her having HPV and not telling him, just shows that she was using him for all the extra benefits. Why on earth would she have this, be sexually involved with someone and not tell them?? Irresponsible, Selfish, and Immature!!
an affair for 5 years....that's a bit much. i don't think you should punish the child for the fathers sins....there a millions of women who raise babies on their own. my mom was a single mom for my brothers and i entire lives. she just recently got remarried.
now for the cheating. i've said a million times...i have zero tolerance for cheating. once you cross that line that's it. as the saying goes...once a cheater always a cheater. if he's done it once...how do you know he hasn't done it more? or will. i personally would kick his rear end out and tell him to go shack up with his gf.....then have divorce papers delivered to his office. and let him mull in the fact he screwed up royally by chasing after the forbidden fruit (so to say). then have your baby, love your baby and i'm sure you'll find a man who is loyal, loving and just wonderful!!! but for now...focus on you. you and that precious little one you have growing.
now for the cheating. i've said a million times...i have zero tolerance for cheating. once you cross that line that's it. as the saying goes...once a cheater always a cheater. if he's done it once...how do you know he hasn't done it more? or will. i personally would kick his rear end out and tell him to go shack up with his gf.....then have divorce papers delivered to his office. and let him mull in the fact he screwed up royally by chasing after the forbidden fruit (so to say). then have your baby, love your baby and i'm sure you'll find a man who is loyal, loving and just wonderful!!! but for now...focus on you. you and that precious little one you have growing.
What is with men today??? I always think a marriage problem should be solved together, but this is too far and if he was able to lie to you for 5 years with no remorse he will do it again! Leave him, you can raise the child. The decisions are all yours. I wish you the best!
where is his head in all of this? is he sorry? has he chosen you and only you yet?
you've got HPV this time, no telling what it will be next time. what are his true futuristic intentions in your marriage and in life??? you guys have a whole lot to talk about!
and one more thing- listen to your gut instinct. not just to the flow of words. if it tells you he's full of ****, it's likely b/c he is...
you've got HPV this time, no telling what it will be next time. what are his true futuristic intentions in your marriage and in life??? you guys have a whole lot to talk about!
and one more thing- listen to your gut instinct. not just to the flow of words. if it tells you he's full of ****, it's likely b/c he is...
Oh my gosh, that is a long time. Well I caught my fiance cheating on me and it was with someone who he was with for almost 2 years. Five years is a lot longer but I'm sure the feelings are the same. The betrayal, the mistrust, those things are hard to get back. In your situation, the woman didn't know about you, in mine, she did. But either way, this was him living two lives. It just boggles my mind how someone can do that to someone they love. As far as termination of the pregnancy, that is a personal choice. But you can raise this baby on your own, he can still be there for the child but don't use the baby as a reason to stay. Staying with him is also a personal choice. I stayed with my fiance because he wanted counseling and wanted to work on our family. Things are hard and it's been a long tough journey. Still is, the forgiveness is slow but the trust is still not there, not sure if it ever will be. Both are your decisions, but please think long and hard about what it is that YOU want. Good luck, you can send me a private message if you would like.
For one termination of your pregnancy is your descision although I believe it's murder over a breakup.... I also think you should leave the jerk....he obviously had no remorse for his actions to do this to you for 5 years!!! That's insane and he passed a nice disease along with it....I'm so sorry you are going through this....you need to keep strong for the baby and leave him...you'll be better off without him....and so is the baby.... please dont feel that you are tied down to this relationship over a child...you can do it on your own....he's useless.....if you stay...he'll just do it again...good luck to you and your bundle of joy... :)
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