Husband Is Always Yelling and Criticizing

[guineapigcorn]

My husband is 50 and I'm 46.  We've been married for 16 years and have a 12 yo boy, and 7 yo boy/girl twins.  We have always had a tumultuous relationship, but it got better the last few years.  Now he yells at all of us and nitpicks about any little thing.  He seems to want complete order all the time.  This is a recent thing.  After I had the twins my health began to decline.  I developed diabetes and bipolar disorder.  I became more tired and less capable of doing what I used to.  I quit my job and did the best I could.  Now it is just never enough.  He tries to control everything, from credit cards to checks to cash.  He scrutinizes the phone bill numbers and questions me on unfamiliar ones.  If I stay up late to unwind on the computer he gets furious and tells me to stop.  It's the only time I get to be alone so that's why I do it.  I am nervous and edgy for fear he is going to be mad about something.  I just can't stand it anymore but I don't want to leave.  He said he would use my mental illness as a way to win custody of our kids and I believe he can do it.  There's no way I will leave those kids.  He doesn't want to go to counseling.  I am almost ignoring him.  I barely talk to him and I stay away from him when I can.  I am so unhappy but I feel trapped.  I just don't know what to do.  Any advice is appreciated

[Jennifer1987]

Ya, your dead right, I know.. Just need to stop makin excuses.... feck it, I need a good  long think about it all.....  Have the moving out part sorted, my friend is moving with me, thats sorted just when is the next step.. I feel like Im repeatring myself all the time, on here and over and over in my head.. Time to take action i guess....

[specialmom]

You had a whole thread about your situation before.  Lots of people have tried to help you and you do seem like a very nice young lady.  But at this point you said something very true.  You said that you are part of the problem too.  Yes, you are.  You stay and that makes you part of the problem.  You are not an innocent child at this point.  At 22 you can leave and if your life feels like you can't, then you are causing the problem for yourself.  You have a place to go after Christmas----  that is in two weeks.  Lets see it happen.  By 22 I was in school full time, working and completely supporting myself.  I had school loans, no sleep I worked and went to school but a safe place to lay my head.  Finishing in March means you are almost done-----  but if you keep pushing the date back it will be like this-----  exams are tough, need to stay.  Don't have the right job yet, need to stay.  Have a job, but it doesn't pay enough, need to stay.  Job pays enough but mom needs me, need to stay.    You say it isn't that easy------ but at some point you have to take responsibility for your own life.  I hope I am not giving you too much tough love----  you seem nice.  But we can not spend life being a victem of circumstance.  Good luck to you and I mean that.  I told you before, I would swoop in and save you if I could.  Christmas is two weeks away------  give yourself a great present of a peaceful life.

[Jennifer1987]

Ya meant march, im not finished college till then, wont have mt Graduation till Oct but will be finished up in March for good... Il be lookinf for a Job after x mas.. Just to busy with reports, thesis (yikes, scary) and exams( double yikes)...

Nothing I can do till then!

[treazzure007]

go ahead and break the eggshells beforehand.  maybe you'll need to yell a little in order for him to cool down and open up about what's bugging him already

[Agiesmom]

I'm thinking one of two things...he's either suspecting and accusing YOU of cheating/doing something wrong because HE is.  Or, since you say this is new behavior, he feels "out of control" seeing you deteriorate and have health problems he can't "fix" (I'm thinking the mental ones are the biggest problem for him since he threatened to use those against you)--and since he has no control over your physical and mental health, he's trying to control everything he possibly CAN control instead.

Can you ask him about it?  Write a letter to him expressing your concerns and asking him if this is what is going on with him?  Tell him you need things to be different...that you will go to counseling without him if he won't go to try to figure out why things have gotten so bad between you?

[RockRose]

Waiting until after Christmas is fine,  when you're done with college.  That's a reasonable time frame to get out.

When you said "Match",  did you actually mean 'March?"  

That's too long.  Graduate,  get a job,  and move out in January.   Even if it isn't your dream job,  get employment and move into an apartment or house with roommates.  As a single woman,  you can live on almost nothing.

The more you wait,  the more you'll wait,  and you'll be 35 years old still saying I'll leave some day.   Leave in January.

[Jennifer1987]

I really wish i could... REALLY! Im to scared and well, I dont know... i suppose too busy at the same time... Im looking at apartments at the mo but cant move out til I have finished college (after xmas!! Match hopefully!!!!! Im not home much and when i am Im in my room on the comp... Doing college work!!!! Didnt get home from college till half 10 today and now Im up in my room so its ok.. Its bearable!!!!! Im worn out and exhausted but I cant se any other way around this...... il cope, I mean this is kinda going on for years and years.... I should be immune to it lol!!!

[RockRose]

Jennifer,   you're a bird in a cage.  and the door is completely open but you don't see it.  

You don't see it.  Everyone else sees the door is open,  and you're inside the cage chirping meekly along,  chirp . . . chirp . . . chirp.  

This isn't as if you have children you are afraid to lose.  You're just afraid to look down and notice the door is open.

You aren't getting any younger.  Look down and see the open door.

[Jennifer1987]

I know, but at the moment i have a thesis to get done, loads of exams and a handful of reports to do.. Its to stressful to be fighting and leaving home at the mo.. As much as Id love it!! Some day il get out of there.... Thanks for all the knid words...

[jo929]

It does not matter if he is the King when he abuses you he has no rights you do not have yo be loyal to him he is not worth it, you owe him nothing, you did not asked to be born, or abused, so do not feel guilty about anything that is done to him I hate all men who beat on women i have seen it to many times broken noses arms legs ribs you name it, even killed by an abusive husband, you owe him OOO  luck  jo, and before leavung or after tell him just where he can put his fists all abusers are coward, they are afraid of men, so they pick on women   luck  again  jo

[Jennifer1987]

Thanks, But really i think its a lot got to do with me too. I press his buttoms dont know how but i do... So maybe I should change the way i react to these moods and all that!!! I dont know... i feel lost but have very good friends, well I only speak to one of them about it and shes been great and really understanding! I am in counselling and do speak about! very emotional but nothing I can do to change it at the mo, jus keep my head down and pass my exams........ you know that feeling of "feeling alone" even if your surrounded by loads of people?? thats how i feel a lot of the time.. just lost!

[Judy246]

Domestic violence and physical abuse is never to feel normal, because it's not. It's a horrible, helpless situation to be in and feel. I feel sorry for your mother, because only she and God know what she has had to endure with an abusive spouse and his power over everyone needs to be deflated. The next time he lays a hand on you call the police. What he is doing is not only abuse, but an assult with emotional and physical after effects. You will be feel trauma over this and I recommend that you talk with a counselor at school who might be able to not only help get you out of there, but heal the long term  wounds caused by abuse. If he ever lays a hand on you again, call the police, but also be ready to have a place to go, Your at an age where it's time to make a plan on how to live and survive on your own and it's not easy. I recommend you get a stable job with good benefits, open a checking account and start saving your money. Get a few roomates to make the financial burden easier where you can actually have a little extra to save and for your needs. BUDGET is the word here also.  We are here if you just want to talk about how your father has scarred you and how you can break the cycle of disfunction and abuse and never repeat what you have lived.

[Jennifer1987]

No I dont have any other place to stay! I did think about it but no not at all.. I am moving out after xmas with a friend and think I can hold off till then... As far as the hitting goes its not the first time and I dont think it will be the last,  Im used to it, I know when hes in his moods so Im able to get out of the place when he does.. No matter what hes my father (however much I hate saying that), I have to be loyal to him... No help line, guards, or relatives involved .. I just cant do it.... Im 22 and I really have to start looking after myself... Cant be a home bird all my life.... Lol.... I just have so much stress from college and home that i dont seem to be able to get a break and defog my mind! :-( Im emotional but dealing with it!!!!

[guineapigcorn]

Thanks for the advice!  i do appreciate it. I am under a doctor's care and take some meds for various conditions.  His mother died two years ago yesterday so I suppose that's part of it.  He was very close to her and he found her dead in her home (which we live in now).  I just wish he would lean to his family instead of pushing us away.  as for a job I always worked until last year under his suggestion I quit and stayed home.  I have offered to get a job and he doesn't want it.  He just wants someone to clean all the time and have no life.  I am not a slob but I am not from Better Homes & Gardens either.  There is more to life than an orderly, pristine house.  He doesn't get it.

Anyway, I will do my best and hope it will work out.


Thanks again.

[dawnangela]

You really should not be in a household where your father has hit you, thats abuse, your a 22 year old woman and no one has this right to hit you..Do you have some family or friends you can go to..

[jo929]

Is there no one you can stay with until you finish college why do you not try calling the hot line maybe they can give you some help, as education is most important, I wish that there was some way that i could think of to help you, but at the moment i am blank, maybe help will come along soon  i wish you the best  luck  jo

[Jennifer1987]

i have the same situation at home, but its not with a husband or anything, its with my so called father.... he does the exact same as your husband. He always criticises me.. im in college in my final degree year and he tells me Im useless that the course wil get me no where.. It just goes on and on.. 2 weeks ago he hit me and gave me a black eye, not a bad one though! I cant move out yet as I cant afford it.. But I so know where your coming from and how you feel.. Its horrible to feel like your constantly walking on egg-shells... The atmostphere is always tense and I hate talking to him in fear of setting him off.... So im always in my room... My only escape from this house is college and even that wont last long more!

i guess I dont have any advise here but my point is your not alone on this! its horrible to feel trapped.. i think maybe seek legal advise, secretly! See how that goes...... Sorry tosee your suffering its not fair...  really isn't!!

Hugs
jen x

[Judy246]

Great advise!

[jo929]

I am sorry that you are going through this, but by the sound of your post things are not going to get better untill you hold up for yourself, get a Dr to give you a statement that you are capable of taking care of the children and coping, it sounds like he likes to be in control, but this is no way to live, and i would certainlay tell him this tell him you would like a little respect, and to straighten his act up, do not let him get the upper hand and control you, find some help  luck  jo

[specialmom]

Hi,  it feels so terrible when the home is a war zone.  I hate that but know that you aren't alone-----  this goes on in many households.  Here is my opinion of what you could possibly do to help the situation-----  you could make sure you are your medical situation is managed.  Make sure you are taking your meds routinely and seeing your psychiatrist and physician on schedule.  Most likely you can still function pretty well with the conditions you have if they are managed properly.  Now don't shoot me for this . . . but something else I would consider is thinking about things from his point of view.  Much of which you mention is financially related.  It is extremely hard on the bread winner of a family and they have immense pressure on them to maintain the income.  Being empathetic to this and letting him know how much you appreciate it is really helpful.  I think a lot of bread winners become resentful about all of the pressure being on them.  I am now a stay at home mom after a lengthy career.  I made as much money as my husband and walked away.  Our income being cut in half has been hard, for sure.  So I make sure that I let my husband know how grateful I am that he works so hard for us all. He too can be a little picky about money-----  I was used to my own income so that was hard for me to adjust to.  When I had my own income, he was much less involved in how I spent money.  Now he has things to say about it but I feel like that is okay since he provides the income.  That's how I deal with that.  But it really helps if I let him know how thankful I am and aware that he works hard to provide for us.  The next thing I would consider is perhaps getting a part time job.  This doesn't have to be anything major but just something for a few hours a week that would provide a little extra cash to the family.  It would also make you feel less trapped.  You could do it while your kids are in school and not every day of the week.  But it would help take the pressure off of your husband and maybe your effort would be noticed as it should be.  You can also make sure you are holding up your end of the bargain around the house.  

Okay, I think I just repeated everything Judy said . . . sorry.  Good advice Judy!  Good luck to you and peace this holiday season.

[Judy246]

opss...I meant, "Sorry your going through this".

[Judy246]

Sorry our going through this and I can understand the strain it's putting on entire family and home environment. Since at this time your husband is the sole financial provide, he is feeling the stress of probably either not making ends meet or barely making ends meet and is lashing out. You kids are at a school age and you need to consider going back to work as a way to release,  the household financial stress and burden. Diabetes and bipolar are both very treatable, can be kept under control. I think if you ask him how can you help he will say, time to get a job. Talk with him and tell him  you have notice his change in personality and abrasive tone towards you and what can you do change the situation between you two and he will probably say, "getting a job or going back to work to contribute to the household will help".  Good Luck, Judy