Husband/Mother-in-law Big Problems

[babypooh]

My husband and I have been together for about 8 years now, married 4.  His mother has never liked me and always spread rumors about me to his brothers and grandma.  Nothing new, huh? Well, recently, I called her to ask her for help and see if she could perhaps speak to my husband about his alcoholism and she just blew up on me telling me that it's my fault he's drinking because I "separated" him from his family.  She wouldn't let me get a word in and when I tried, she yelled at me to shut up.  I didn't want to disrespect her so I hung up, super upset, I was shaking.  Then a little while after, her other son called me accusing me of being a bad wife and telling me that my husband started drinking when he started seeing me (not true, everyone knows that) and that I shouldn't be trying to push my problem (husband's drinking) on to them.  He told me that I'm not doing anything to help him and why haven't I called his insurance company to see which rehab places he's covered in.  I called his mom and told her that I told her our problem so she could try to help by talking to him, and that if her "help" involved making things worse and telling other people, then I don't want that help.  She blew up on me again and before I ever got a chance to talk to my husband, his mom and brother went to his work to beat me to it.  My husband believed what I told him, but he gets very defensive about his mother.  I told him that I am not going to Christmas dinner with them because it is clear they won't change their mind about me and they'll keep disrespecting me.  Am I doing wrong in not going?  Should I keep going and talk to her even though it'd be hypocrisy from both our parts?  She only sees my son twice a year even though she lives 15 minutes away so I don't feel guilty about her not seeing him, she doesn't make an effort herself.  I just feel like such a mean person when I think about her because I get so angry after what happened.  I have never disrespected her, but in my thoughts I do and it makes me feel bad.  Should i forget about her and not see her at all anymore?  I think I have a right to not be somewhere where I don't feel comfortable. She never apologizes and her other son hates me too because of the things she says about me. My marriage is suffering, but I think I need to think about myself now, instead of her and my husband by shutting my mouth like I did for so long.  Sorry I made this way too long and there's a lot more details I'll leave out for your sake!  Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!

[babypooh]

Yes, that's true, they might see it as something bad on my part, except that in her heart she'll see that it was because of what she did, especially because I don't think my husband will go if I my son and I don't go.  Quite frankly, I wouldn't stay home just to make a point, it would be mainly because I don't want to be put through hypocrisy or be disrespected.  I don't think I would be able to keep quiet anymore and I would hate for my husband to see me disrespect her.  But like I said, I really don't think that my husband will go without us.  And if he goes without us, it would be him not giving me my rightful place as his wife.  But I don't feel that I should keep thinking of others instead of myself and keep putting myself in situations where I'll be disrespected.  I feel bad that it has to be this way.  I get along with my husband's aunt.  I think she's the only that that hasn't been told lies about me and if she has been, at least she's a good lady and keeps it to herself instead of calling to insult me like everyone else. I still can't help but wonder if I'm right or wrong...

[RockRose]

baby,  I don't think there a chance - at ALL - that if you don't go with your husband for Christmas dinner that your MIL and family will think it was them separating the family.  They will see you as immature and petty,  and see that as one more piece of evidence that this marriage is a huge mistake.

Not that I think that's true,  but really,  do you think his family will suddenly go soft and think your staying home is a sign  that they are wrong?  no.

Best wishes with your situation.

[babypooh]

My goodness, you're right!  Maybe my mother-in-law hates me because I didn't just let my family keep getting sucked into her selfishness and that's why she sees me as "separating" them.  A few minutes ago when my husband was leaving for work, I hugged him and told him, "I know it's hard to stop drinking, but I'm glad that you're trying and that you admit the problem it is to our marriage and your relationship with our son."  I told him that I love him and he went to work, I think, feeling better.  But I feel wicked with my thoughts toward his mother.  I decided not to go for the holidays and I'm thinking, "That'll serve her right so she can see that she's the one separating family."  But that's not the right way to think, is it?  Doesn't that make me  a bad person too?  I sometimes think that it might be some sort of revenge from my part, but I don't want to be like that.  Am I right or wrong?  

[Cootos]

I think deep inside the mother knows it's partially her responsibility for his alcoholism but the only one who can see that is you, therefore she doesnt and wont like you...she'll try her hardest to push you away because your the only one who can make sense of it all...your husband is blinded right now because of his addiction but when he gets cleaned up the overall picture will become more clear...I'm glad that he has noticed his addiction and the effects of it all...many stay in denial for a really long time...that's good! Make sure you show lots of support and appreciation like a mother would (basically making him feel really good about his decisions to stop) since he doesnt have the real supportive mother he should.

[angelbabies]

i realy do understand! my mother in law is a B*** she has never liked me either, it all started for me after my 1st m/c and she said i trick olli my partner into faling pregnant was gald i lost the baby and ever since she has done her upmost to break me and olli up and spread lies about me, and still im always nice to her and hoping she will change her mind.
its also a mother son thing i think, your never be good enough for a mums little boy and he will always stad up for his mother to some extent.

compleatly understand why you would ask for her help as she is after all his mum, and how dare she blam that problem on you after all im sure your not feeling great about it!
she sounds like a bitter twisted lady and i would just keep away hunni x

[babypooh]

Thanks for your comments; yes, my husband knows and admits that he has a problem and I know he wants to change. It's hard for him to talk about it without getting defensive, but when he does, he admits he has a problem and that he's the only one that can change it.  All I can do is be here for him and support him and keep talking to him about it and the way it affects us.  I'm aware that if he doesn't make a real effort and stick with it, that I'll have to eventually let him go even though he'll end up with his mother and she'll try to convince him to stay and get no help at all for his alcoholism.  His drinking started when his dad left them and his mom made him head of household, having to support his brothers.  They blame me for it though.  They say I "separated" them.  I think it's her the one that's separating the family though, especially now that I don't want to go or take my son.  Am I doing wrong?

[Cootos]

Hey, alcohol is an addictive substance that when someone is addicted to it the only person that will be able to help them is themselves...I mean you can try but if he's not ready or he doesnt see it as a problem, your putting all your effort into nothing...before you know it he'll be hiding it from you and so on. As far as his family goes...wow you got a good head and heart! The alcoholism is most likely a result of the way their family functions...they are maybe in denial just as much as your husband is about his problem, therefore bringing it up may be a trigger of reality they are all not prepared to hear. My opinion to you would be to really think your life over and look ahead and see if this is the life you want to live. Best of luck!!

[Lonelymom]

Stop trying to get help from his family! They will always be onsided. Believe me I know. Me and my husband have seperated three times this being our third and they are just as much to blame as we are. His mom found every way possible to come between us. Even telling him I was cheating on him and that I thought that I was better than him. Which to a man is a big ego thing.

As for the Alcoholism he has to admit he needs help before anything you do will make him change. You can continue to show him how it makes you and your child feel. Also maybe letting him hit rock bottom and lose the things he holds the closest to him will make him realize what he is doing is wrong.

Good luck! Don't let the family be the down fall with your marriage the way I have done with mine!

[babypooh]

I was making my post too long so I didn't include all the details, but in response to some of the comments; my husband and I did talk about his alcoholism even after this happened with his mother.  It's strange, but after that, I felt closer to my husband, realizing that we were alone on this, except for my family.  I know he's the only one that can make himself change, but you need support from your family and he doesn't have that with his.  His mom has tried to get him to move back and doesn't include me in plans.  After that, i decided not to kick him out and just stand by his side, at least for now, while being supportive and talking about his problem.  He started a program through his job.  He first needs to complete AA meetings and then they'll take other steps.  But I'm glad that at least he's trying.  Another reason, dumb as it might sound, is that I don't want to kick him out because he'd go live with his mother and she''d try desperarately to keep him over there, away from me and she won't help him get help.  If her intention would have been to get him help, instead of pointing the finger at me or yelling at me or having her son call to harass me, she would have just decided to have a talk with him and see if maybe the family getting together more often would help support him.  We hardly get together with them anymore and when we do, she always finds ways to disrespect me.  That's why I finally decided that she really isn't going to change and that I need to stay away from her or I will blow up one of these days and tell her off.  I never want to give her the pleasure of having that over me, but I just feel so much anger and hate sometimes, that it makes me feel like a bad person.  Am I doing wrong in not going, not talking to her anymore?

[RockRose]

baby,  I really don't understand the dynamic here that's working.  You call his mother to ask for help with his alcoholism - and if she would intervene.  Which reading your other posts, is a good step - to begin laying the groundwork for an intervention or leaving him -

Calling your mother in law who you don't get along with could be considered drawing a line in the sand.  A statement that he must change or you are finished.   Good.

But somehow,  I don't understand,  he has now kind of taken your side in this issue,  you're both mad at his mother (you much more than him) and he's going to Christmas dinner and you're wondering if you should.

As if,  nothing at all had happened.  As if you hadn't drawn the line in the sand,  began the final attempt at getting help - nothing at all has changed.  Back to square one,  and the issue has become who said what on the phone,  not that you are drawing the line and are insisting that he change.

I don't get it.  Alcoholism and those who live with don't seem to talk or think in straight paths.

Best wishes.  

[teko]

First of all, no one makes another person do something. Your husband drinks because that is what HE chooses to do. This sounds like a very disfunctional family to say the least.  They may not care for you as a wife to the son, however they should respect you for being such.  I would simply keep my distance and work on the marital relationship. If confronted by the mother in law, I would simply state that if you cannot respect me then please keep a respectable distance.