Husband cheated - please help

[justme779]

I feel like I am living a nightmare!!!! Last week I read about a massage parlor question and if that girls husband or whatever is getting just a hand job she is lucky. I knew my husband used to go to those places but Friday night I found out he went again - yeah it was a hand job (BAD ENOUGH!!!) but we FINALLY laid all our cards out on the table. He has gotten a hand job about 24 times in the 4 years we are married - but it gets worse. When we were first married he got the whole package three times. He said that he felt that was wrong and stopped and then he took the hand package. He again stopped that for the most part but went the other night because he was stressed about losing his job. He wanted to tell me everything and start all over - infact he wants to renew our vows. He also swears to never go again and will make sure I know he does not by making me control his $$ and he'll check in at all times on the way home. Besides that we talked about why he went in the first place. (1) He really wanted a good massage and one thing led to another (NO EXCUSE)- so he asked that now only I give him a massage, (2) He felt alone as I am often busy - so he hired me a maid, joined me up for his gym and wants us to do things together - even going away to sporting events with his friends. He'll hang with them to do the sport but then we'll stay in our own hotel and have our nights and (3) the sex got boring - he asked that we talk about what we both want to spice it up. He also said that he never once kissed or did anything with a girl as he never wanted another relationship - it was only quick fun. He is not kidding himself - he knows he was 100% wrong and is blaming no one. FINALLY the question - do I give him another shot with all these changes and believe he can be good or do I leave him??? I never minded his porn and I did not like his website browsing which he stopped - but this has me feeling empty. Does it matter that it is he who told me everything  - not sure.

[vsentz]

OMG..........(sad) let's move on shall we??

To the original poster:
Just remember, once a cheater...always a cheater.....I didn't want to believe it when i was with a guy for 8 years....he was the love of my life......until I found out he has been cheating on me for the entire time.......not only with 'hoes'...but even with my 'best friends!'
I went back and forth forgiving him (trying to) but as much as he'd 'try'....and just be 'good' ...he never was.......and did it on and on.........

You are a strong woman that deserves a lot more than that C.R.A.P........
wonderful thing he has 'opened up' ..?? my (**@#@$!!!!!!!!
he can go open his....to......

ok.........you get my point ;)

Stay strong......in whatever you decide.

[misscloey]

Yep, drugs are bad news! I am so afraid for my kids. Although I try so hard to be a vigilant parent and keep a close eye on their friends and social situations, in some ways you need to give them their freedom and some space too. It is a very difficult balancing act. I just pray that being involved in church and teaching them to respect their bodies and minds that they will prevail. I came from a very close knit family with two loving (still married)  parents and my husband too. His parents pastor their own church.So, I really don't believe that it is jsut kids from broken homes or even impoverished communities, it affects EVERYONE! I am so happy that you too had the courage to overcome this nightmare.Stay strong and know that you have made THE BEST decision of your life! I hope this girl figures out what is best for her and her family. I think she will make the right decsion, it sounds like she is really taking time to think through it without making any rash decisions. I don't really know how she is able to find the strength to do this, being so emotionally distraught. But, as you know from experience, alot of bad situations that seem hopeless can be overcome. Best of luck to you on your recovery.God Bless.    

[kris123]

I know what you are saying too!!  I guess that is what I would do or at least that is what I say I would do.  One never really knows what they would do if they were to have to go through it.  Good for you and your husband to get away from drugs like that.  I went through a battle myself about three years ago with a certain drug - don't want to say - and lost everything I worked for for 6years and I am still paying for some of that - credit card debt ect ...  it is getting better though - it is really something how drugs can just take over your life and just screw you up before u know it.

[misscloey]

I completely understand what you are saying. If I was in this same situation, it would really be difficult for me to forgive this type of behavior. Not only would I feel completely betrayed, but among other things, embarrassed, sad,and inadequate, just to mention a few. And my first response to her was the same as yours to me. But, after I thought about it, I think you would have to take in the whole situation. Not, that I think ANY EXCUSE is justifiable for the act of cheating. You would have to think about how it would affect your children and yourself, if you were to split up. Sometimes you have to do what is best for all involved. I think it would be a very difficult road to be on, once someone has broken the trust and respect.I have often told my husband "The only thing that you could do to make me leave you is be unfaithful to me" and although I would want to leave out of anger and being so completely destroyed, I don't know that this would be the right thing to do. I know what you mean about 27 times. Wow, how do you explain that? I guess this situation is so very difficult to cope with and what to do is really a life changing decision that it is best if you just remain faithful to your marriage as you promised to do.  I am really torn for her, I just think she needs to follow her heart.  

[kris123]

If he cheats and doesn't stop why stay with him.  God doesn't want us to be with people who sleep around - he is putting her in danger with her life.  What if he gets something and gives it to her?  No thank you that is sick and what he did was gross GROSS - I'm not sure God wants her to keep trying if he keeps doing it 27times doesn't sound like he will stop - once a cheater always a cheater - this is only what I think.  

[kris123]

God granted in his book that a woman can walk away from a marriage if the man cheats vice versa - not saying that they can't work it out.  In the bible it states that divorce is ok in time where cheating is present.  I would never stay with a man that I was married to that cheated on me  That is only what I think -

[kris123]

I agree with rockrose and anx - I would leave.  27 times is a lot.  It is cheating to me and that mean he cheated on you 27 times - only what I think.  What a butthole and gross - that is just nasty to let some woman you don't know give you a hand job - not to metion how many other hand jobs she gave during one day - what the hell kind of business is that.  I know it is easier said then done - to tell someone to just leave - it took me months to leave a drug user.  Now that I'm gone - I'm so so happy and my thoughts on him - he is gross.  Just try to think of how gross it is.  I just dont' understand why a man would do this in the first place.

[misscloey]

You know, waiting with hope you are absolutely correct!! My husband and I got involved in meth use in California for a period of several years. Everyone there does it, everyone we knew did it (and still does). He had an addictive relationship with it, to where I could do it occassionally and let it go. (still not good at all!) Our marriage and family needless to say has always been very strong but this really put serious strain on us. I wanted him to quit-completely. We pretty much lost every material possession we had. When we were at our lowest point in our marriage and in our lives we decided that the only way for him to overcome this was to move far far away. We moved back to Texas where he is from. We stayed strong and rebuilt our lives. We are now both very successful and have overcome financially and emotionally from this period in our lives.I did not want to move from my home, family and friends but I had no choice if I wanted to save my family from total destruction. It is the best sacrifice I have ever made in my life. People throw marriages away like a dirty diaper these days. There will be hard times with the wonderful ones, whether it is drugs, alcohol, gambling issues, or infidelities. A marriage is a bond between two people and God. He will watch over you and your marriage if you put the time and effort into making it last. When times get really hard and you want to give up, remeber that the grass is not always greener on the other side. If you were in love enough and committed to this person enough to vow your life to him/her then you need to honor that vow and exhaust every avenue before deciding to give up. I am very proud that we have overcome such a difficult dilema and believe it has only strengthened our marriage. I now feel like we can overcome ANYTHING that is put before us. Hang in there!      

[waitingwithhope]

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. If he wants to change, then his actions will speak that. You need to see a pattern of behavior and build trust again. Maybe if you separate for a time and he can show you a positive and healthy pattern of behavior, with some individual and couples counseling, he could change. Just know that his habits are as addicting as drugs. In other words, he has to completely turn from it or he will get sucked back in eventually to feed that craving. Drug rehabilitation (analogy) is a long process with setbacks. If you are willing to be with him throughout it, then make sure you are going in it with your eyes open and that you never compromise your own self-worth or self-esteem.

[freakin-natural]

Guys, i guess this barnie is trying to mess us up.  She keeps saying the Valium thing and even calling names.  Is that what a person who wants to help or just wanna **** other people?  Well, i guess she does wanna **** people.  She had a lot of arguements with other people.  She's bashing those who don't even wanna argue. Not good for these board, coz she might just or we might just end up arguing if she's in.

[misscloey]

Ok I must admit I did not read all of your postings before replying and now that I have I would like to say something else to you. I feel like what you have said about the conversations with him that he really does love you, but has been misguided about marriage from the get go. I can understand how guys think and especially a group of friends who have pretty much grown up together. He was doing all of these things to "go along " with the guys, knowing full well that it was wrong. I truly believe he is sorry and wants to change. My only worry is that he actually will. I do believe that with a strong friendship and a loving spouse anything can be worked out. You made vows to each other and in them was included "for better or worse" this is definitely as bad as it gets. But, if you feel in your heart that you both can move on together and put this behind you and make a better marriage for yourselves then I feel like you should. At this point what have you got to lose? If you walk away because you are angry and hurt at this moment you may be throwing away the marriage that should have been.(and coud still be) Just take one day at a time and talk to each other. One more thing, I do not feel like you should share this with people you know. People who are emotionally involved with you (friends, parents, co workers) cannot see both sides of the story. They will most likely be as angry as you are and give you bad advice. Keep posting on the boards and take in what you read, but decide together what is best for your family. God Bless.  

[misscloey]

I feel for you. You must be so sad and confused. I cannot imagine how bad you must hurt over this. There is absolutely nothing worse than being betrayed. I understand that he came clean, but if he never did anything wrong there would be no reason to come clean!!! As far as I am concerned once the trust and respect are gone, there is nothing left. It will NEVER be the same again even if you do decide to forgive him. I will be the first to say try everything to save your marriage. But cheating is the ultimate sin as far as I am concerned. That shows complete selfishness on his part and total lack of love and respect for you. I cannot tell you what you should do, you will have to figure it out for yourself. I wish I could say or do something to help you, but I dont know what to say except if you feel like you can forgive him and trust him again then you should at least try. I personally don't know that I could ever get over it. You should not have to babysit your husband and track his every move, what kind of relationship is that? Like I said, without respect and trust it simply cant' be a healthy happy marriage! Best of luck to you, maybe you should pray about it. If he did it one time in a drunken stupor (still inexcusable) and everything else about your marriage was happy ie...sex, communication, friendship then I could see trying some counseling and working on forgiving. His behavior was a little excessive in my book. How do you know that the next time he is "stressed" he wont go back? Good luck!  

[freakin-natural]

Now, that's what I call an advice. =)

[freakin-natural]

whoow.... look whos talking, maggot-breath... just do your thing , our suggestions and comments vary.. that's why its a free world here.. ok, am sorry i freaked out.. but taking an advice of taking a valium for myself, whoow you must be an addict my friend.. those kicking would be indeed necessary. ok, im done my bad.. next time we collide, ill make sure your barn's burn.. lo.. nah, kiddin.. have a nice day maam...

[slow_healer]

Hey justme, I am so happy to help!!! Post anytime :)

I know a lot of posters have given you advice to leave, but I think it's too EASY to run away when problems like these come up. These are real life problems that happen, and we can't just remedy everything by leaving our partner. Especially in your situation where it sounds like you do already have a foundation of love and respect with your husband. People do screw up (lol, check out the abortion thread and the debate on that!) Sometimes we are stuck in a situation without the tools we could have used to make a better decision.

Definitely still go for counselling, but it sounds like your relationship with your husband is undergoing a lot of positive changes :)

[justme779]

Oh my God - that too is so true. When they see my husband do something sweet they say "You have to show hand in the relationship!" or something like that. And he said they were recently bashing him that he is going to pay my daughters college with me - apparently they think that is my responsibility - not his problem and he should straighten that out right away. They can not understand why we keep everything joint.

Thank you for taking so much time out to talk to me. You made me feel so much better.

[slow_healer]

I also wanted to add that with my ex it was like he developed a double personality. I could tell when he had been talking to "the guys" because it was like he was somebody I didn't even know. I wonder if you had a chance to see your husband alone with these guys, he'd probably be wearing a mask and acting macho just to fit in. It sounds like he's been under a lot of pressure you weren't even aware of.

If you two can work through this, think of how it will make those other men feel. If they're all scared about what would happen if THEIR wives found out, I'll bet they'll feel pretty small to see that your husband has a REAL relationship with his wife that (until they come forth with honesty) they'll never really have with their wives. They might make fun of your husband for not going to the massage parlor anymore, but your husband will be a lot more relaxed feeling like he's not living a double life. Good luck, justme.

[slow_healer]

That's a really good sign. I bet he's been wanting to say these things to "the guys" for a long time.

If my own story is any insight, I had an ex who cheated on me while we were long distance. He was working in a very testosterone-charged envrionment at the time, and he wasn't a particularly aggressive person himself. One of his many excuses was "you don't know what it's like to be working here", suggesting that pressure from the guys contributed to his decision to cheat. I also got a taste of the influence of those guys friends myself during the breakup, where they called me all sorts of filthy names and would not let me talk to him on the phone, saying they'd deal with "this crazy b****" and things like that. In these situations, you really think about how (other) men can be a**holes.

I certainly could not agree with his choices, but it did make me think about how would I feel if I were in that environment everyday.

Hang in there, justme!!! Based on what you've shared, it sounds like you and your husband are on a good road.

[slow_healer]

Hey justme, it does sound like your husband does genuinely want to change things. And I can only imagine how many feelings you're feeling right now. Give yourself some time to process all of them before you make any big decisions. Some people might say you should make a decision now while you're good and angry, but that might only lead to something you'll later regret. If you think there's a chance you and your husband can get through this, don't get bitter.

And take him up on his offer to seek counselling. Whatever the reasons, sometimes admitting these kinds of things to our partners is the HARDEST because they are the person whose judgement we care about the most. It hurts the most when we feel like our partner is hurt/ashamed/angry because of us.

Men are often under A LOT of pressure from other men as to how to behave like a "real man". I think it's a world that we women aren't always aware of, just as men aren't always aware of the cutthroat gossip-ridden environment that women can find themselves in with other women. It certainly goes both ways. Your husband really articulated that in "he thought he was being a normal husband". Of course, his parents may have role-modelled certain behaviors

He might not think the sex is boring or you've gotten unattractive at all. Those can be reasons other men invent to persuade him to "go along" with the group. e.g. Come on, aren't you tired of your wife? That kind of stuff.

Anyhow, I'm not condoning what he did. And it sounds like he's fully aware how much it would hurt him if you had done the same thing. I would say if he's taking full responsibility for his actions, give him another chance, and seek counselling together (sometimes when there has been cheating in a relationship the hurt partner develops behavior patterns that constantly punish the cheating partner, and what people see is a miserable, disfunctional relationship - don't become that!). If you two have love for each other, you'll probably need to burn through a lot of intense angry/hurt/scared feelings before you can come out on top. Good luck!

[justme779]

Everything you wrote was very insightful - but one thing in particular really hit a mark..... guy pressure. My husband was supposed to go with the guys somewhere the other night. He told them that he was passing and he actually told them that I know about the massage parlors. Well they freaked as in their minds he broke the code of silence. I'm sure they are worried I'll talk to the other wives. He explained to them that he wants to be a real husband, he is not telling them what to do - but is just taking the right roade himself. He explained that he was passing on going out as we have been talking alot and he thinks he should be home dealing with things with me. It meant alot that he stood up to a group of guys he's been with for 20 years now. A group that thinks their bond is stronger than the promise of marriage. I saw it as another step in he right direction.

[justme779]

My head has been spinning but yes you are right - I still love him. I always have. He treats my daughter better than any biological father I know. He travels close to 4 hours a day back and forth to work so she can go to the top HS in our area. And he works to ensure any college she wants is a possibility. Don't get me wrong I work hard to and would make sure she went anywhere but he is right in there with me. And I know he loves me. He messed up so so sp very bad but he does love me. He was a sworn bachelor before we met and I think he is right he did not know how to be a husband. He continued to do things he was doing from his youth. This board has helped so much because it calmed me down and made me ask just the right questions to see what is in his heart. Oh I'm not saying - whooppee happy day. There is certainly alot of work but I really believe that if the tables were turned he'd walk out mad but be back within days for the fight. Even when we thought I too was sick once he said that if anything was ever wrong my daughter would always have him and he'd make sure my every wish was carried out.That's waht hurt so bad. I never expected him to fall from being what I considered the perfect husband. Again I have alot to think about but loving him is a given.  

[woozy]

this answer has to come from inside your heart. i read all the posts and i think he geniunely wants to change. And he's right, this cheating has not been emotional cheating,but purely physical. he still feels guilty though as he should, but as he has been upfront and honest with you recently, you may want to give him another chance. he's giving you the reins because he wants to regain your trust. I do believe that. You have a marriage and that deserves a bigger fight than what others may believe. He screwed up, he's human, he's now being fully honest with you about this situation. i think he deserves another chance. and most importantly, you love him..so do what your heart tells you.

[justme779]

I asked him today why he wants to give me so much power. To see what was behind his thoughts. He said that he is trying to do anything to make me feel okay enough to stay long enough for him to prove himself. I asked him if he needs my help in controlling him and his answer was no - he needs my help in to understanding what I need for him to prove all that is over. I explained it will take time and he responded that is the thing - how does he earn that time from me. I then asked why he is so willing to give up his friends. Will their doings make him want to follow? He said no - but that he is trying to put himself in my shoes and knows he would not like me hanging aound with that crowd. Weird thing is the whole bunch of em live this way from what he now admits. They think these pleasure they grew up indulging in are okay as there is no emotional ties. Insane. I asked him why he thinks diferently now. His response was that when he married me he loved me but thought he was acting like a nomal married man - over the years - he's learned what being a real husband is. It's so hard because we have been together so long even before marriage and he was always there - when my Mom had cancer and we were not even maried or engaged he paid all the bills with me. When my dog died he was coming to meet me at the vet with 104 fever. I always thought he was my best friend. Somehow that Brooklyn double standard bullsh*t appeared okay to him. Oh the thought process gets stranger - one guy picks up in bars - that he thinks is horrible. Again because it is emotional. I asked - how do I know taht you are telling me everything - he offered to go for a lie detector test if I want. He also offered counseling. I thank you all - this is helping so much!  

[slow_healer]

Hmmm, a lot of opinions on this post.

To the original poster: I wouldn`t necessarily give the relationship up (if you *want* to stay). Yes, there are some control issues here (like him giving all that power to you) but I would recommend getting him some therapy. IMO sex is often a symptom - NOT a cause - of underlying problems, whether they be simple or complicated. If you have hope for your relationship, then try addressing these first, and aim for an outcome that is more balanced for you both (it`s not going to work long if you have to be in control of everything ALL the time).

I would agree with f-n on that it is tremendous that your partner came so clean with you. That would be humiliating for anyone to admit. Part of why it might have carried on so long was because it was something he had to hide.

As far as leaving him goes, I think the majority have given you plenty of advice on that :)  Good luck!