Husband getting involved with his childhood sweetheart

[genie626]

I found out my husband had reconnected with his childhood girlfriend.  They had some pretty firtatious emails and even got met up once. I found out and he swore to me nothing was happening.  He finally said he would end the communication.  He also promised not to lie or hide about anything anymore. For the next two months there seemed to be no contact.  Then he called me and said that she had texted him and he did not know what he was going to do yet.  Then I find out that they have started emailing each other again for the last three weeks. Although these converstations are not like the last ones, he has not told me about them.  I even asked him two weeks ago about what he decided to do with her text message and he stated that he texted her and that was it- so he is lying again. My question is should I confront him with what I know or wait and see where he takes this relationship now?

[Zharieck]

Hi, I need some advice and I can't even talk to my friends or to my family about how i feel right now. I have been dealing this problem before my husband and I get married, My husband has 5 very close friends. 4 of them guys and one girl. they all grown up together like brother and sister. so all of them are married. my husband and I bought our condo and he pay for all down payment and I only pay the maintenance fee.  then  two weeks before our wedding May 5, 2017 Friday. My husband text me and he told me straightly that his friend Emmy is coming from New York she will sleep over at the condo where he is the only one who currently staying by himself in our condo. so  i talk to him that i am not comfortable and it's not in appropriate to bring a girl inside in our home without me. he responded me is this (WHO CARES SHE IS MY FRIEND SHE'S MY LONGEST TRUSTED FRIEND I DON'T NEED YOUR PERMISSION TO INVITE MY FRIENDS TO COME OVER) this actually  really hurt my feelings. so after i told him it bothers me and it's make me uncomfortable ask him to stop texting her. then suddenly he mention this picture on our wedding with all of his friends with the wife except me. i felt like i did a mistake marrying him. :(

[specialmom]

I do have private conversations without my husband present nor would I want him to be but really I was just joking.  

I am glad that this couple is going to try to work their issues out.  I wouldn't be happy if my husband was texting (for a total of 10 times) to someone but I also wouldn't throw away my 10 year marriage over it and make it a "confrontation" of his cheating.  If their is no different between 10 texts and having sex with someone, he might as well have sex.  I'd prefer to keep this crime in perspective.  Not a great thing and I'd be alarmed at the possibility of future problems but I'd not call it cheating. It is a wake up call.  Who knows?  It could turn out to be a blessing for this couple and make them not take things for granted and try harder to connect.  

I had a boyfriend that cheated on me . . . I could have only wished it was 10 texts/phone calls vs. sleeping with someone.  

It is true that every couple can determine what is cheating in their relationship.  But I'm still glad that this woman is trying to keep her marriage together.    

[Cyn_x0]

hmm maybe you didnt understand what I was saying- if you are annoyed with your husband and venting to your sister I'm sure you would still say it around him? No?

I meant if you are doing something and you think it is wrong and feel guilty and wouldn't do it if yur spouse was right there in front of you- I'd say it's cheating but everyone has their own definition of cheating in their relationship.

[specialmom]

Well then when I talk about my husband when I am annoyed with him to my sister . . . then technically I must be cheating on him.

[Cyn_x0]

I would confront him- Lying and hiding things means that he knows he is doing something wrong-

My definition of cheating  is- IF YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING- ANYTHING AS IN CHATTING, ON THE PHONE, TEXTING, EMAILS, WHATEVER IT MAY BE AND YOU WOULDN'T DO IT WITH WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER STANDING THERE BESIDE YOU THEN IT IS CHEATING BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT IS WRONG.

[sweetpea03]

I would confront him. And if he doesn't get how it makes you feel, then you can try and turn it around asking him how he'd feel if you started doing the same thing with an old flame of yours. Sometimes it takes that to get them to understand that it's not ok to be doing that, as I doubt he'd be ok with you doing the same thing.

[specialmom]

Yep,  I think asking him to refrain from contact is good and working on the marriage is essential.  In my opinion, I do not think that 10 emails is emotional cheating but that is just my opinion.  When someone is so attached that they can't give that person up . . . that is emotional cheating.  We'll see this time around what this turns into.  If he moves on and focuses on the marriage-----------  it was just a blip on the radar and a wake up call.  Good luck

[mami1323]

I agree, all contact should come to a close.  It's obviously making you uncomfortable and so because of that it should end.  Not him figuring out a better way of hiding things.  At least you didn't rip him apart, it would show him that he can come to you and be honest and you won't blow up.  Hopefully in the future it will make him that much more open and receptive of you and to you.  

[teko]

Well it sounds like it is out in the open and the ball is in his court so to speak. I would keep the lines of communication open and c where he takes it from this point. The past is the past and if you want to continue a relationship with someone it should be continued on the contingency that all parties come out in the open and socialize that way. If he wants to speak with her and visa versa, dinner with me and my wife and you and your husband to catch up on old times would be much less suspicious and prevent a whole lot of what has gone down. But where I come from, you lie because you got something to hide and is telling that your gonna do what your gonna do and try not to have me on your a$$ in the process. Thats what it tells me.

[lovemykids465]

He may not be physically cheating but he is emotionally!

[specialmom]

Well, I"m glad it is all out in the open.  I'd keep the dialogue going and use this to the advantage of your marriage.  My advice still stands. I'd explore what exactly you could do to strengthen your marriage and get even closer.  Would counseling help with that?  Otherwise, start doing things as a couple and go on dates.  Have fun together.  Also, talk a lot and stay connected.  I would ask him to discontinue any contact with her. Yeah, he may lie to you and still email.  But if you are working on a rock solid relationship, there is less room for doubt on your part and less room for any outside desire on his.  good luck!

[genie626]

Hi,
This is the update- I confronted him wihat i found out. He told me that he only emailed her a few times- this is a lie- they have emailed each other aboujt 10 times to date. He has stated that the converstations are no longer flirtatious- which they are not at all from what I see. I told him then why not tell me about it- he stated that is because of how i reacted before. I told him that i reacted that way because you lied and hid it from me and the conversations were completely inappropriate.  When he told me he was going to end it the first time he was not clear with her and the minute she talks to him, he starts back talking to her again.  This to me will lead to the same inapproporiate behavior.  He told me that the the relationship with her means nothing- I told him if it means nothing then he should have never of responded to her the second time.  I am still unsure what to do next. thanlks for all the advice it helped me talk to him in a calm clear manner.

[specialmom]

Could be true bloodstainedsilver but also, any friendship with the opposite that someone feels compelled to hide is a problem.  I hope this couple works through it.

[bloodstainedsilver]

Heres one thing I'm going to say. I'm not married but I have trouble in my relationship as well. Not this exactly, actually I have a post up about my problems.

Men are pretty simple, what you see is what you get. He probably didn't want to tell you about the emails because hes afraid you'll get pissed. He probably doesn't want you to know that she exists, for one reason, Women hate their boyfriends ex's. Guys hate girlfriends es's but for some reason its not okay for us to do anything about it... not going to get into that.

Before you assume the worst, think about the fact that before they were dating, they were friends, and they probably have memories and a history, it doesn't have to be about sex, or rekindling their love. It could be about friendship.

Just my opinion.

Before you call him a liar, consider that he may just not have the courage to tell you.  

[Judy246]

I completely understand your view and I personally in my relationship have "ZERO" tolerance for this behavior. If I EVER caught my fiance texting an ex, HE is out the door, because he would be a high risk for infidelity. Texting is intent by the first stages of communication, but it is not the actual "cheating" (sneaky date or meeting, sex, etc).  It's all in the interpretation of the person, but I wouldn't even tolerate the text, because trust has been broken and without trust in the relationship, you have nothing. We do have a great team here and mature, thoughtout advice.

Hi mamita, your my girl!!!! , it is a hard situation to be in and it's also a personal choice how it is handled and the situation. All we can do is give our opinion, but it is up to her on how she wants to handle her situation. We do wish her the best of luck in whatever choice she wants to make.

[mami1323]

So do you Wendy ;)

You know it's a hard situation and you're right, it is hard to rebuild trust and some can never recovery from the betrayal.  You're a strong woman if you stay and a strong one if you leave.  

[Redhenful]

I understand what you mean... it is a big decision..and not one to take lightly.
I know if it were ME in this position..it would kill me... it would be so very hard for me to leave.
But.. i know that i would not ever have any respect for myself nor be truly happy in my marriage after such a betrayal., and also, i could never trust my husband again.... i would HAVE to leave for my sanity. But thats just me...
You guys do give such good advice! Take care :o)

[specialmom]

And redhenful, if you wrote of these same circumstances I would say that you are entitled to divorce your husband as well.  I'd think it was a shame you didn't try to work it out at all . . . but I'd certainly be supportive of your decision.  Every woman is different in how they react to something.  I've been married 10 years and have two children and love my husband-----------  it would be a very big deal to leave.  I feel like I owe it to my husband, marriage, kids and myself to try to resolve something.  If I couldn't, then I'd have to go.  

But every woman is different and brings their unique insight and perspective to a discussion.

[specialmom]

I'm a believer that marriage is a committment and that working on it is important.  People do screw up but if the husband and wife still love each other it is worth addressing the problem and rebuilding their marriage.  Divorce is not always the answer.  In this instance, I'd certainly remain supportive of a woman that wants to work it out.  

[mami1323]

That's fine that you feel that way. I did say some people have zero tolerance for things of this nature. I just consider cheating something more than just texting. He's not walking on the straight and narrow but I also think like specialmom where there is more going on here in their marriage that needs working on. I also think things can be worked on. There is always going to be an issue within a marriage and to just pick up and leave without seeing if things can be fixed can lead to regret. It also doesn't sound like the OP wants out of her marriage. It seems that she wants to know how to work with this situation. Its very easy to say to someone leave him but not so easy to do when you're are emotionally invested in it.

[Redhenful]

Also.. i know you said that i'm not being helpful by telling her to leave her husband...
But.. in MY opinion.. its also not helping her to tell her to stay with a man that has proven several times that hes a liar and a sneak and a cheat...
He didnt contact this woman just one time, ya know...
And...She even had asked him to NOT contact her anymore... and he is still doing it behind her back...
Not good.. that says something VERY big to me...
again.. just MY opinion... which we are all entitled too.
To each their own way... and thats okay too...
Take care, Wendy :o)

[Redhenful]

I 100% stand by my statement... just as you can stand by your beliefs. Its okay.. :o)

[specialmom]

Cheating and some texting are not the same in my book.  It would take more than that for me to walk out on my commitment of marriage. Many marriages recover from problems if those involved desire to. I'd encourage any couple to work on it before throwing a marriage away.  I'm supportive of a couple that choose to sort out an issue.  If she chooses to leave, I'd support that as well.  By the way----------  I'm no door mat.  I just approach the idea of leaving a marriage as a very serious step and in this instance, think they can work it out and possibly have a stronger marriage in the end.  Time will tell.  But in order to stay together, whatever is or isn't going on with THEM needs to be addressed.  I wish her a lot of luck, it sure ain't easy!

[mami1323]

He hasn't cheated! He's doing questionable things but he hasn't done something that is beyond repair. There are no perfect people and I'm sure there are times when we've done something or said something deceptive in our relationships. Some are bigger than others but I wouldn't go so far as to say that this woman's husband is a cheater. To tell her to up and leave her marriage is not exactly helpful. Some people have zero tolerance for things and some people can work through issues. Let's be fair here.