Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

Husband is lying to me. Is it worth a divorce??

I'm 30 weeks pregnant. We been married for almost 2 years now. We have a house and a apt downstairs where his friend and girlfriend live. They moved in last year. Ever since they moved in there has been nothing but problems. Before I met my husband he had a drug problem. He was arrested and charged with a felony. He got help and has been clean. He now has a good job, supports me becoming a stay at home mom and is a great husband. The problem is ever since his friend moved in he's been smoking weed and lying to me about it. His friend is a big pot head. When he goes downstairs and comes up he smells like weed bad even though it's rare it still gets me mad. He knows I'm very againist it especially because of his past. He shouldn't be around any drugs. My husband tells me he didn't smoke he was just around it. Not sure if I can believe that. I been having a suspicion that something is going on so last week I checked his text messages just between him and his friend downstairs and my husband texted him " do you want to smoke a blaze" I asked him abut that and he says " it's a song" which I think is bull. Today I checked his phone again and I saw a text from his friend saying " yo you home" " do you want to burn" " meet me in my car" i asked my husband today about it and he said he never went but that day the texts were sent I wasn't home so I do not know BUT that night he went to his parents house and his mom said his eyes were all red which means he probabaly did and is lying to me. I am againist weed but it's the fact that he is lying to me that is getting me angry it's like what else is he lying about?? I asked him to take a drug test today if I go out and get one and he said " no I have nothing to prove to you" he's about to be a father!!! I don't want this **** in my house or around my son. I texted the friend saying" I don't appericate you asking my husband to smoke weed knowing he's about to be a father and knowing his past it's not cool to be encouraging him to be doing things like that"  I knew from day one his friend moving in was a bad idea. I knew he was a pot head and didn't want him living here but he promised he wouldn't smoke in or around the house or ever get my husband involved. Last summer Islamist every weekend the house smelled like pot when he had his friends over. What do I do?? I talked to my husband a million times and he doesn't listen or get it. I'm worried he could be doing more. He won't even admit to weed.
12 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
I owe you an apology for going off on you about pot. Pot ended up leading to other drugs that killed my first fiance. I HATE POT. But then I read the advice you gave to the young wife with the little baby girl & cheating zit husband & saw you have wisdom. Too bad my little sister didn't listen to people like you while her "sober" husband was doing guys, girls & dogs on the side, while she died.
I'm not a big fan of life, or most men. But there may be 1 or 2 good ones left.
Thanks for encouraging that girl to pull her head out. I'm obviously still far too angry about what's happened to those I loved & myself to be a good mentor. 'Nuf said.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
Because of his history, a tiny amount of a recreational drug is not really tiny.  You're wound around the axle about whether he is lying to you or not, but the real legit worry is whether a little will lead to a lot.  With the average person, a little can be a little.  With someone who has an addictive personality or who has substance abuse in his past, a little is a beginning.  I would talk to him about that and ask how much he wants to stay sober.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Amen to that!
3060903 tn?1398565123
that is.... than responsible use of legalized marijuana , (medicinal)
otherwise it could be dangerous
and that is what could and should be the deal breaker .
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
BTW, THAT ONE'S FOR YOU,  "Nighthwhk"-& I'm speaking from experience.
3060903 tn?1398565123
this is a sensitive and serious conversation that needs to be had
no hot heads allowed not his not yours you have to think of the baby
and keep the peace , both of you
what you don't want is for him to believe that that you're unreasonable
and what he doesn't want is for you to think he is unreasonable
if you want someone to support a straightedge viewpoint get an Addictions Therapist on board , where there is no chance of any other viewpoint registered.

The thing you got to ask yourself is this
co you want to teach abstinence to your kids
or do you want to teach them  responsible recreational use of alcohol or marijuana ? it's up to you
the discussion in my opinion should be focused on full disclosure and accountability in other words legitimate trust between the two of you
If there are any consequences that would threaten your union then its not going to work out
if this is more about you being a new mother and not being able to have even a drink right now , but that after your kids are old enough that you might drink responsibly that it might be considered hypocritical for you to decide your husband lead a straightedge lifestyle right now
on the other hand would not a knight in shining armor not, or should a knight in shining armor not offer
to stay straightedge until you and he can share you having a  drink
and he smoking a joint
because my dear
as you know he should never drink again
booze is what you need to make sure your husband never goes back on
if he's an alcoholic
you will go back to exactly the same place you were when you quit drinking
if you quit drinking
because you were an "alcoholic"
if your husband is an alcoholic then there is no other substance
in my opinion
that he can do that will not grossly affect his life
Helpful - 0
2 Comments
I don't know who raised you, but if you're ok about being LIED TO BY THE ONE PERSON WHO SHOULD & AGREED TO HAVE YOUR BACK-especially when you're ultra vulnerable-not like it's EVER OK 2 LIE to your husband or wife-I feel sorry for the sucker who marries YOU!!! 'NUF SAID.
You're already married to MJ & will probably always be. MJ is NOT SAFE-"PRESCRIBED" OR OTHERWISE-for recovering alcoholics. Once the lies start, it's a slippery slope downhill from there.
If I were his wife, I'd be out the door so fast, the only place he'd see me is at a meeting. This is a sad situation.
3060903 tn?1398565123
Your husband may not know how to bring up his views, may not even know his views, he may have saved his life by quitting everything and now that he's stable in his life he may want to revisit the question as to whether it is safe for him to partake in something that is not going to destroy him
he's lived through hell with concern to his drug use and he's probably feeling safe in his life
many people in the program would say that this is happening because he was not an aa or na zealout
others would see this as your husband being in a place in his life that he can carry on after handling his previous issues and do something a bit different than the "straightedge" approach , the paradigm that he used , and would use again, should his life border on experiencing consequences

obviously your views are what he will be using as his first consequence to his smoking pot
the fact that he is "lying" is as harmful to his experience as it is to yours
if you are his queen then he doesn't want to lie to you or have to lie to you
on the other hand , many men exist in a world that their wives never no that they smoke a blunt, it just doesn't have any consequences
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
I think that you two probably have far too much going for your relationship for this not to be handled , not to worry
what he is doing rarely , is bringing smoke on his clothes
it doesn't have to blow everything up
you two just have to sit down and discuss the issues

like if you haven't before talk about politics , like whether being "straightedged" is a deal breaker for you
continue to discuss your problems
read this
https://www.thefix.com/content/straight-edge-fugazi-ian-mackaye-hardcore-sober-punk-laura-barcella2024
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
did your husband kick drugs and alcohol by himself before he met you ?
becoming responsible for himself prior to meeting you ?
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
For what your husband gets out of smoking a blaze, he could vape it and you would never have to know..
in other words, do you divorce over just this?
no i wouldn't consider it, if he's a good man provides protects and loves u both i'd say no
ignore it , it happens rarely, other than the smell you've noted nothing else being a problem ...
is it anything more than you drinking one martini ? no
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks for replying. Yes I'm concerned about him going back to harder drugs. I don't think he would but it does worry me. Mostly it worries me because he's lying to me about smoking weed. I told him many times I wouldn't be mad if you could just be honest with me. Isn't honestly what a marriage is all about? It's the lying that scares me. It's like what else could he be lying about. He doesn't have depression or anxiety. I could understand that he may be overwhelmed about having a baby and providing for a family. I do work but I only make 400 a month but I did tell him if that's stressing him out I will look for a higher paying job as soon as the baby is born. Im very understanding and he knows that. I will do whatever I can to make him feel less stress even though he says he's not stressed and isn't worried about having a baby. I think he's scared to admit that but it's the lying I can't stand.
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
When he goes downstairs and comes up he smells like weed bad even though it's RARE it still gets me mad. I also think it's important that him imbibing is rare, by your own words and maybe not something that should constitute making too much out of.
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
Oh crrepes , i just realized that you are 30 weeks pregnant. Well. I guess you can disregard me telling you this was going to be relatively easy. Sorry. It must have been frustrating hearing me say that you have no children..Congratulations on the little one. I would tell your renters that the smell is making you sick and cease smoking in the house. and/or move. As for your relationship, I would be getting a therapist on board for you and your husband immediately to help keep the fights on this subject to a minimum. You're in no condition to argue.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Once a liar, ALWAYS a liar. Your choice, unfortunately. You got the speedy version of reality-ie HELL.
99% of All men cheat.
Lying is just a predecessor to cheating and lying about that!
I always believed, if you want kids, PLAN on raising them your self. 5 good yrs with a man may increase chances of you having a good one-so I waited that long before thinkin about having kids.My longest Relationship was 3.5 yrs. I'm so grateful I never gave in2 the bulshit.
Good luck to you.
You can always adopt out.
3060903 tn?1398565123
The best news here is that you don't have children yet. I think that your choice that you need to give to your husband , is to ask his friends to move out of the house, saying that you made a mistake allowing people in the house that smoke marijuana at all. That you are planning a family, and you cannot abide to have marijuana smelling the house up. You have no choice, but to ask them to find other accommodations. And then, i think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband, and tell him that you understand that people smoke medicinal marijuana, and that for some that is acceptable, but for you, it is a deal breaker and will never be acceptable. That if he is not willing to assure you , by quitting and by taking drug tests whenever you choose, that you think you should break up, now , before you have children and before you get any more attached or used to being married. I think that you have no choice but to handle it like this. It might be that you and he , or just you, could talk to a therapist about this. If your husband is amenable, he could also get help from an Addiction's Therapist to help him stay away from all drugs, and attend aftercare like NA so that he had a sponsor to help him if he feels cravings. It might be that without his friends there the question of him smoking would not come up as often, but it will come up if he's associated with friends that smoke weed, and he would have to be motivated to stay away from all of his using friends.

Well, you're probably not going to appreciate my views on the matter, however, it's healthy to see different sides the equation.  Many many people are prescribed many prescriptions to help them through the day. Many people strongly believe that medicinal marijuana is a valid alternative, a better alternative, than conventional medicine for depression or anxiety. . I understand why you are concerned that as a former drug addict, that your husband using marijuana could be a gateway drug, however i have many many friends that are recovering hard drug addicts that vaporize marijuana medicinally, and have never had a problem going back to using drugs or alcohol.  Incidentally, tenants can invest in a vaporizer and you wont' ever smell it again. That i would suggest that you insist upon so that you don't have to smell it ever again.

I don't think your husband is "wrong". Some people have no problem with the effects of marijuana, it is legal and becoming more legal more places, day by day. He should be able to have his own views on the subject, regardless of whether he was once a using addict or not.

I don't think you're wrong. There are many that feel the same as you do.

You have some hard choices, and i feel for you, i think it would really help for you to have a therapist to talk to moving forward.  Please don't think that this is the end of your life if your husband chooses to say no. The fact is that if he doesn't believe what you believe in, it doesn't make either of you wrong, only that you have different lifestyles. You can find a partner that feels like you do, and he can find a partner that is more like his friend's girlfriend. You don't have kids, and you can both move on to a life that is more suitable for yourselves
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.