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Husband not supportive
' Hi everyone, I'm new here.
I'm 21 years old, married and 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I recently moved back with my parents after my husband started getting physically abusive everytime we argued. My husband is living in another state, he's in the military. I've been feeling really down and ashamed. I used to have a small job and pay for community college classes but after we got married he made me quit all and said he was going to help me financially since I need to fix my legal status in this country. It's been 2 years since we got married and he doesn't help me financially in any way nor with my paperwork, he doesn't let me work. Now that I'm pregnant I was told by the doctor to be on bed rest since I got anemia and lost a lot of weight. I've been feeling depressed and I get chest pain when I'm too nervous. I called my doctor and he doesn't want me to go to a psychiatrist because he says I'm pregnant and can't take any medicine. This is driving me nuts. My parents are extremely supportive but I still feel bad that I'm taking from them. I always used to help them. What should I do? Sorry for the long post.
I'm 21 years old, married and 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I recently moved back with my parents after my husband started getting physically abusive everytime we argued. My husband is living in another state, he's in the military. I've been feeling really down and ashamed. I used to have a small job and pay for community college classes but after we got married he made me quit all and said he was going to help me financially since I need to fix my legal status in this country. It's been 2 years since we got married and he doesn't help me financially in any way nor with my paperwork, he doesn't let me work. Now that I'm pregnant I was told by the doctor to be on bed rest since I got anemia and lost a lot of weight. I've been feeling depressed and I get chest pain when I'm too nervous. I called my doctor and he doesn't want me to go to a psychiatrist because he says I'm pregnant and can't take any medicine. This is driving me nuts. My parents are extremely supportive but I still feel bad that I'm taking from them. I always used to help them. What should I do? Sorry for the long post.
You sound like you are well aware of your financial situation and the responsibilities that you now have. If you are determined and clever enough you will be able to care for this child. There are free day cares that you can send the baby too and don't be afraid to head on down to the food bank to get help. Utilize all your resources and work hard. Do you have an education? When you feel up to it, you may want to consider going to college.
When I was pregnant I was very sick and tired. I had just recovered from mono and I was very nauseous. I slept a lot. I wasn't working, but I was going to college. Maybe you can take some online courses and start working toward a degree. That way you can support your parents and your child when you get on your feet. You can even take online courses after the baby is born. It doesn't happen over night, so it's really nice that your parents are willing to help. Good luck!
When I was pregnant I was very sick and tired. I had just recovered from mono and I was very nauseous. I slept a lot. I wasn't working, but I was going to college. Maybe you can take some online courses and start working toward a degree. That way you can support your parents and your child when you get on your feet. You can even take online courses after the baby is born. It doesn't happen over night, so it's really nice that your parents are willing to help. Good luck!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I'm sorry your in poor health. You don't have to go into details but if it is because of the baby (and I guess there are a couple of things that could do that) then it would get better upon the babies birth, however, if it is just your own sickness---- then why would it go away once the baby is born. I will tell you flat out, babies bring more stress. Being pregnant is expensive due to doctor's visits (unless you've accepted state assistance for WIC) but a new baby is as well. They go to the doctor on a very regular schedule. And they need diapers, clothes, babysitting while you work, etc.
I'm sorry if I seem tough on you. Not my intention. BUT . . . I can't imagine having a child and not being concerned with the future. You don't have put the baby up for adoption but yes, you do need to think about what comes after this baby is born. If you think your parents help you now, you're going to need twice as much after a baby is here. Yes, you can then work (if the only reason you aren't working is your pregnancy)--- but your bills will double. I just think you really need to factor all of this into your planning.
I really do want you to know that I wish you luck on the journey to motherhood. I think you have some self discovery to do along the way but who doesn't? Just try to be as clear eyed about it all as possible so that you can make good choices for you and your baby. Peace.
I'm sorry if I seem tough on you. Not my intention. BUT . . . I can't imagine having a child and not being concerned with the future. You don't have put the baby up for adoption but yes, you do need to think about what comes after this baby is born. If you think your parents help you now, you're going to need twice as much after a baby is here. Yes, you can then work (if the only reason you aren't working is your pregnancy)--- but your bills will double. I just think you really need to factor all of this into your planning.
I really do want you to know that I wish you luck on the journey to motherhood. I think you have some self discovery to do along the way but who doesn't? Just try to be as clear eyed about it all as possible so that you can make good choices for you and your baby. Peace.
I don't want people to think that just because I'm stressed I'm being lazy because I'm not. I always worked my butt off since I was 16. Now I'm into this position where I need help and I'm concerned about taking from my parents since I was the one helping them financially with what I could. Once again, I'm not against adoption but it's NOT an option in my mind. Once my baby is born I will be able to work. I'm concerned about the present not the future. I'm taking a few medicines and it's thanks to my parents.
I'm sick that's why I'm on bed rest and my gynecologist was the one who told me to be in bed. I don't want to go into details but if I wasn't on bed rest I would find a way.
It must be so extremely hard for you, it cannot be a easy situation. Your husband is a bully and a weak man, he has taken advantage of you but what can you do? Move on. Easier said than done I am aware but its what you have to do. Right now your family is your unborn child and your supportive parents, focus on the positive. Cut loose of this man, you do not want your child growing up in such a destructive environment. I understand how you feel depending on you parents financially but they are your parents after all, its what you do for your child. You help them when they are in need of it.
You could always try talk therapy without the meds, just talk it helps.
Please take care for your sake and your baby.
You could always try talk therapy without the meds, just talk it helps.
Please take care for your sake and your baby.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I just feel like I need to comment here. I understand that you are stressed--- but this does not typically put one on bed rest. Nor does depression. Bed rest comes into play if the baby is in danger of being born early. You are only 28 weeks pregnant. Why exactly are you on bed rest if I may ask?
I'm not trying to be hard on you------ but on one hand you are concerned about your parents taking care of you and on the other, you are putting yourself in that position.
I want you to think realistically about this whole thing. If you are too stressed to even get out of bed----- then, how are you going to take care of this baby? I am not trying to hurt your feelings but asking a basic question one must ask themselves before they commit to caring for a new child. It is HARD, expensive, stressful and tiring in it's own right under the best of circumstances. Yes, it is wonderful too----- but one must think about the other part of being a parent.
I think adoption can be difficult and not for everyone. However, bringing a child into the world is hard (spoken from a 2 time mom here) under the best of circumstances so that when we know the circumstances aren't good right from the start, adoption should become more attractive for the sake of the baby. And if you refuse to look at that option which is completely your right---- then you need to begin thinking about what you can do right now, TODAY, to get your life on track and be a responsible parent. Adoptions today can be what they call open adoptions so that you are still somewhat involved and don't lose complete touch.
So, I'm not being critical of your choices, I promise. But I absolutely encourage you to look at your life through clear eyes and make some changes. Not being with an abusive man is a great start. The title of this post does concern me though---- "he's not supportive". Forget him. Your thoughts now are on what you need to do to make a life for you and this child, should you choose to keep it. You are young and able bodied, you must think about how you can be self sufficient at some point. Right now, your parents help is necessary and it will probably be when you have the baby---- but don't let that be a crutch in which you don't make plans on how to make things better.
I do wish you luck. I very much hope it all works out for you.
I'm not trying to be hard on you------ but on one hand you are concerned about your parents taking care of you and on the other, you are putting yourself in that position.
I want you to think realistically about this whole thing. If you are too stressed to even get out of bed----- then, how are you going to take care of this baby? I am not trying to hurt your feelings but asking a basic question one must ask themselves before they commit to caring for a new child. It is HARD, expensive, stressful and tiring in it's own right under the best of circumstances. Yes, it is wonderful too----- but one must think about the other part of being a parent.
I think adoption can be difficult and not for everyone. However, bringing a child into the world is hard (spoken from a 2 time mom here) under the best of circumstances so that when we know the circumstances aren't good right from the start, adoption should become more attractive for the sake of the baby. And if you refuse to look at that option which is completely your right---- then you need to begin thinking about what you can do right now, TODAY, to get your life on track and be a responsible parent. Adoptions today can be what they call open adoptions so that you are still somewhat involved and don't lose complete touch.
So, I'm not being critical of your choices, I promise. But I absolutely encourage you to look at your life through clear eyes and make some changes. Not being with an abusive man is a great start. The title of this post does concern me though---- "he's not supportive". Forget him. Your thoughts now are on what you need to do to make a life for you and this child, should you choose to keep it. You are young and able bodied, you must think about how you can be self sufficient at some point. Right now, your parents help is necessary and it will probably be when you have the baby---- but don't let that be a crutch in which you don't make plans on how to make things better.
I do wish you luck. I very much hope it all works out for you.
If I were you I would also look into safe ways of controlling your depression while you are pregnant. I don't think it would hurt the baby to have some fish oil. In fact I think, if I remember right, it is good for the development of their brains. Also just because you can't take medication doesn't mean that you are prevented from getting counselling.
Could you maybe take up a hobby like knitting or sewing? You might also be able to write letters to your unborn baby explaining to him/her how you are feeling, Talk to your doctor and see if maybe you can find a group to join in your community of other single moms once your baby is born.
I'm really very sorry you are having to go through all of this.
Could you maybe take up a hobby like knitting or sewing? You might also be able to write letters to your unborn baby explaining to him/her how you are feeling, Talk to your doctor and see if maybe you can find a group to join in your community of other single moms once your baby is born.
I'm really very sorry you are having to go through all of this.
Yeah... I lost all my friends too.
I can't put my kid for adoption, I would feel bad.
I can't work now... I'm on bed rest until I give birth. All the stress made me sick or else I would be out there looking.
I can't put my kid for adoption, I would feel bad.
I can't work now... I'm on bed rest until I give birth. All the stress made me sick or else I would be out there looking.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Okay. I'm going to speak bluntly with you. Your relationship with the father of this child is OVER. He's violent and controling and it would be insane for you to go back to him. It makes me sad that you didn't recongnize this before becoming pregnant as that certainly complicates things. He can't have anything but supervised visits with the child now as he has shown you that he will hurt peole if angered. You can file for child support when the child is born.
So, now what do you do? Move on with your life and try to make the best of it. Yes, get a job of some sort NOW (especially since the baby isn't even born yet) and take those classes to train yourself to get a better job down the road. This is your best bet and something you really have to do now. Your parents need to help you because you are in a real pickle. Take their help with the promise that you are going to get your life together and be self sufficient as soon as possible.
I want you to realize that when someone ends up with an abusive man, there is often issues from their past. The fact that you left is a good sign that you will be able to break the any ingrained pattern you may have. But focus on why you stayed with him after the first time he hurt you. You should have left then. Love does not conquer all----- you can not have a healthy relationship with someone willing to physically hurt you. and that he also tried to control your actions, work, school, friends shows me how dysfunctional things were. Be mindful of not ever thinking any of that is alright and making sure it never enters your life again.
good luck.
And I always mention adoption in these situations because having a child is so hard alone. Many can do it and are successful but adoption is also another option. It can be a beautiful thing for all involved. I do wish you much peace and luck dear.
So, now what do you do? Move on with your life and try to make the best of it. Yes, get a job of some sort NOW (especially since the baby isn't even born yet) and take those classes to train yourself to get a better job down the road. This is your best bet and something you really have to do now. Your parents need to help you because you are in a real pickle. Take their help with the promise that you are going to get your life together and be self sufficient as soon as possible.
I want you to realize that when someone ends up with an abusive man, there is often issues from their past. The fact that you left is a good sign that you will be able to break the any ingrained pattern you may have. But focus on why you stayed with him after the first time he hurt you. You should have left then. Love does not conquer all----- you can not have a healthy relationship with someone willing to physically hurt you. and that he also tried to control your actions, work, school, friends shows me how dysfunctional things were. Be mindful of not ever thinking any of that is alright and making sure it never enters your life again.
good luck.
And I always mention adoption in these situations because having a child is so hard alone. Many can do it and are successful but adoption is also another option. It can be a beautiful thing for all involved. I do wish you much peace and luck dear.
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