Aa
Husband of 14 years.... mid life crisis?? cheating?
As of lately, been noticing a change in my husband (of 14 years)
He told me yesterday he feels he needs to get away - and wanted to maybe take a trip someone alone..
without me and my son. He needs to get away from his parents mainly - they dont live near, but we see them often and they call at least 3 times a day - and his dad has health problems. So every call is a "downer".
Husband recently has back problems, was in hospital for a while, and is focused on getting fit.. he doesnt want to get old, doesnt want to be like his dad.
Yesterday was New Year's.. he leaves..says he's going to work, doesnt ask what I want.. ends up coming home at 7:00... said he went with the "guys" from work to nearby restaurant for drinks.. never told me this is what he was doing, or asked if I wanted to meet up with him.
I confronted him and said he was doing some abnormal things. And I even asked if when he said he needed to get away, was that meaning, he was wanting a seperation. Which he didnt act shocked that I would even ask that like he normally would
What do you think?
He told me yesterday he feels he needs to get away - and wanted to maybe take a trip someone alone..
without me and my son. He needs to get away from his parents mainly - they dont live near, but we see them often and they call at least 3 times a day - and his dad has health problems. So every call is a "downer".
Husband recently has back problems, was in hospital for a while, and is focused on getting fit.. he doesnt want to get old, doesnt want to be like his dad.
Yesterday was New Year's.. he leaves..says he's going to work, doesnt ask what I want.. ends up coming home at 7:00... said he went with the "guys" from work to nearby restaurant for drinks.. never told me this is what he was doing, or asked if I wanted to meet up with him.
I confronted him and said he was doing some abnormal things. And I even asked if when he said he needed to get away, was that meaning, he was wanting a seperation. Which he didnt act shocked that I would even ask that like he normally would
What do you think?
He almost sounds like he can have manic episodes...especially with the need to have an excess of his "toys". Does he overspend, even when you can't really afford it? Does he seem really up, then really down? I just wonder if perhaps he could be bipolar, or have those kinds of tendencies. Just throwing that out there....I may be way off base.
You've gotten amazing advice, and God love you, you're so open to trying whatever it takes. I sincerely hope things work out for the best, and hope he's just overly stressed and feeling a little lost. Getting older, and watching his Dad may be a bit TOO real for him...you know?
Best to you!
You've gotten amazing advice, and God love you, you're so open to trying whatever it takes. I sincerely hope things work out for the best, and hope he's just overly stressed and feeling a little lost. Getting older, and watching his Dad may be a bit TOO real for him...you know?
Best to you!
COMMUNITY LEADER
I hear what you are saying and that is what I mean by the human nature of wanting to hold tighter when someone is wanting a bit of space. the issue is that he won't stop doing whatever it is that he wants to do just because you don't want to let him go, ya know?
What is that old saying about the bird and letting it go? You have to let the bird go to see if it wants to be there with you. (that isn't the saying but the meaning).
I know it is hard but you need to pull back and let him direct what he does for the time being (while being respectful to you.)
What is that old saying about the bird and letting it go? You have to let the bird go to see if it wants to be there with you. (that isn't the saying but the meaning).
I know it is hard but you need to pull back and let him direct what he does for the time being (while being respectful to you.)
Yes I will give him some space, and I've been supportive, coming up with ideas on what he could do to get out of his "funk"
I dont think it's so much of a marriage issue.. and I am not sure if he would see a therapist (former military guy - rough and tough and all that)
What's bothering me is that I know he's having these feelings, and there's nothing I can do to help.. or none that I know of. Giving him space, allowing him to go on a trip alone.. I can do it, but just seems like that would allow time for him to "roam"...
I dont think it's so much of a marriage issue.. and I am not sure if he would see a therapist (former military guy - rough and tough and all that)
What's bothering me is that I know he's having these feelings, and there's nothing I can do to help.. or none that I know of. Giving him space, allowing him to go on a trip alone.. I can do it, but just seems like that would allow time for him to "roam"...
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Oh, I certainly hope he isn't cheating sweetie. Don't accuse him unless there is some kind of indication that this is more than he is telling you. Never say never, these things can happen. But i will again say I sure sure hope not.
I agree with Kirstie to go ahead and allow him some space. It is absolutely fine to set some boundaries of letting you know if he is going to be gone and miss dinner with ample warning but to allow him to take some time including a weekend if he needs it. I honestly do think a bit of time between partners like this can be helpful.
I would speak to him openly even though it is painful that you sense he is searching for something or unhappy and that you hope that you will be given the opportunity to work through things. I'd just lay it out there.
Our natural inclination when we feel or sense someone pull away is to cling tighter but I think that would be a mistake in this situation. So, try to remain calm and have an attitude that you two CAN work this out. But allow him to explore his feelings.
Again, I sure hope this works out for you. Would he consider a marriage therapist?
I agree with Kirstie to go ahead and allow him some space. It is absolutely fine to set some boundaries of letting you know if he is going to be gone and miss dinner with ample warning but to allow him to take some time including a weekend if he needs it. I honestly do think a bit of time between partners like this can be helpful.
I would speak to him openly even though it is painful that you sense he is searching for something or unhappy and that you hope that you will be given the opportunity to work through things. I'd just lay it out there.
Our natural inclination when we feel or sense someone pull away is to cling tighter but I think that would be a mistake in this situation. So, try to remain calm and have an attitude that you two CAN work this out. But allow him to explore his feelings.
Again, I sure hope this works out for you. Would he consider a marriage therapist?
yes maybe so. I also feel like I cant bring him excitement anymore. He still acts like a kid, likes guns, and fast cars.. has always pleased his inner child..when he wants something, he gets it.. and in multiples.. not just one mud truck will do - he has to get 5. not just one gun, over 50, etc. etc.
He always needs a "fix"... to get his adrenalin going.. I'm not that way.
...that's why I'm thinking in the long run , it's going to get worse, as he gets older. Because it seems like he's really fighting inner demons now ..when he thinks of getting older and not being able to do the things he wants to do.
He also loves attention, and loves it from the ladies.. the attention he gets from me is not as exciting as someone fresh..u know what I mean!
thanks for posting
He always needs a "fix"... to get his adrenalin going.. I'm not that way.
...that's why I'm thinking in the long run , it's going to get worse, as he gets older. Because it seems like he's really fighting inner demons now ..when he thinks of getting older and not being able to do the things he wants to do.
He also loves attention, and loves it from the ladies.. the attention he gets from me is not as exciting as someone fresh..u know what I mean!
thanks for posting
Susan, I think you should be open to thinking he may be having an affair. I don't often jump to that conclusion - but it seems like that's what's going on to me. Men who, in an apparently fairly happy marriage, all of a sudden lose interest in the marriage and don't protest when their wife asks if they want a separation - are so often having an affair. The lack of an emotional response from him - to me - indicates he's put his relationship emotions elsewhere.
I do understand men who are going through stress becoming distant or snappish, but it seems he's just vacant where trying to give you attention is concerned.
I do understand men who are going through stress becoming distant or snappish, but it seems he's just vacant where trying to give you attention is concerned.
Kristie,
Thanks so much. You nailed it on the head.. he said he didn't know what he wanted. But he does need a change.
He mentioned needing a change of lifestyle.. We were trying to figure out what he could do.. but could not. That is the dead end we are at right now.
Frustrating you cant just cut off ties with your parents, who are the main problem of this all.
Thanks so much for taking time to post.
Thanks so much. You nailed it on the head.. he said he didn't know what he wanted. But he does need a change.
He mentioned needing a change of lifestyle.. We were trying to figure out what he could do.. but could not. That is the dead end we are at right now.
Frustrating you cant just cut off ties with your parents, who are the main problem of this all.
Thanks so much for taking time to post.
thanks so much. We have been talking.. just really bothers me that it could be something more deep rooted.
It sounds like he's under a lot of stress - when this happens, it's quite possible that he doesn't know what he wants; only that he does not want his life to continue as it is. This doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to be with you, but it's possible he is feeling the need for some changes, and some "alone time."
Obviously, the best way to sort this out is through open communication. Express understanding about what he's been through and how hard it must be to have constant pressure from his parents. You can express that you were hurt by him going out with his friends on New Years, but not because he went out - because he didn't call. It's OK, and very healthy, for him to go out with his buddies without inviting you. Maybe he's feeling the need for some of that latitude. But, it's not OK to be inconsiderate to you by not calling, so that's a reasonable objection.
However, if you put additional stress on him by saying he shouldn't have gone out, or should have invited you, that's not going to go well. It's also probably not the best approach to go straight to the suggestion that he might want a separation, because that is also additional stress. The better approach is to just ask him what he's feeling and what he's going through, and let him TELL you, rather than assuming the worst.
No one can guarantee that he's not considering separation, but backing someone into a corner on that front (and I'm sure that wasn't your intention) can make an iffy situation worse. Be open, be loving, be honest, and talk.
Obviously, the best way to sort this out is through open communication. Express understanding about what he's been through and how hard it must be to have constant pressure from his parents. You can express that you were hurt by him going out with his friends on New Years, but not because he went out - because he didn't call. It's OK, and very healthy, for him to go out with his buddies without inviting you. Maybe he's feeling the need for some of that latitude. But, it's not OK to be inconsiderate to you by not calling, so that's a reasonable objection.
However, if you put additional stress on him by saying he shouldn't have gone out, or should have invited you, that's not going to go well. It's also probably not the best approach to go straight to the suggestion that he might want a separation, because that is also additional stress. The better approach is to just ask him what he's feeling and what he's going through, and let him TELL you, rather than assuming the worst.
No one can guarantee that he's not considering separation, but backing someone into a corner on that front (and I'm sure that wasn't your intention) can make an iffy situation worse. Be open, be loving, be honest, and talk.
Hi Susan, we really dont know what this is all about yet so just play it by ear. Men can live for years as a husband and often times has been pushed to be the way he now is. Its like a mother and son relationship where he is a bad boy. Men can put up this front but sometimes they need to recoup back some of the manhood that was given up to establish peace in the household.
Sometimes they call this mid life crisis.
Sometimes they call this mid life crisis.
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