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902589 tn?1268148853

Husband signed up for a dating site

So my husband just received an alert on his phone that his new account at some dating site has been set up. HE is currently sleeping so I haven't said anything about it. But since I am a curious person, I checked the site out. It's not just a normal dating site such as match or e harmony, no it a SEX dating site. It a site that you can go to to find people in your area to have SEX with!!!!! I almost woke him up and started bitching at him, but I don't want him knowing that I know he has an account at this site. I did note the website name and his login info, as it was conveniently in the alert on his phone, and put that information in the notepad of my phone for future reference. But i'm not sure what i should do, should I just confront him about it, or do I wait and see if he uses the site? But then if he actually uses the site, I don't know how I'll handle that.

But on the same hand, if i confront him about this, he may just go to a different site and hide it better. So it may be better that I know. D*mn it i'm freakin PISSED!!

So confront him, or wait it out?? Any opinions out there?
55 Responses
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Avatar universal
I want to share my experience about when I found out that my husband was on a dating site. Of course I was upset, but instead of confronting him about it, I turned it into a positive. We had just recently separated, but made a promise to each other that we wouldn't involve other people until we knew that the marriage was definitely over. So this is what I did- I made a profile on the same site and started chatting to him. Within days, he was hooked on the woman that I had created. He started telling her about all the things that were bothering him about his wife (which I knew nothing of). He told me that he believed that she had Narcissistic Personality Disorder because his mum had put it in his head. I started giving him some advice about it and completely made him change his views on me as his wife.  He instantly got on the phone to his mum and asked her not to give her opinions anymore, as she was clouding his judgment. Within days, he was becoming a lot more responsive to me (as his wife) and started talking about his feelings more. I continued to chat with him on the site and managed to get him to look at himself instead of blaming me (as his wife) for his emotional issues. Within weeks, he had moved back in with me and the kids, and his whole attitude changed. He has become more communicative, loving, trusting and our arguments have stopped because he is no longer holding on to the feelings and concerns that he had. TRUST ME, IT WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID!
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1 Comments
work smarter not harder
3060903 tn?1398565123
If it were me, i would sit on the info and continue to check out the site, being sure that i would not be found out by him. There's a slim to none chance this is a marketing problem or scam if you've gone into his site. Wait it out. Be savvy. Tell him you have had an HPV break out, or found out you have herpes so you don't have to continue to have sex with him if you don't feel like it til you know for sure he's stepping out on you (if not already). In the interim, i would make plans to leave the situation. You deserve a loyal man, there are loyal men out there that can love you better than one that can't.but you can't do that if you're holding on in denial.   I think you have to acknowledge that if he's indeed set up the site, there's a more than reasonable chance he will use it. I think that rather than confronting him and having him go underground, so that you can stay in denial, the better choice would be to know the truth. The fact is that this might not be the first time, it just might be the first time you've seen it. I'm sorry. Wait it out. Plan on a change of venue. Do you have children, do you have a career? Does he have a good career that he could pay child support and/or alimony?
Maybe it would help you to see a counselor while waiting this out, and maybe also a lawyer. But please, do so on the down low. You have to be pragmatic. Again I'm SO sorry. This is what I would feel the need to do. I have moved on from one cheating husband to another. I KNOW it is worth moving on from disloyalty , even if there are children involved so that's why i say, DON'T FALL BACK ON DENIAL.You can do much better than that.  You can find a totally loving, honest, loyal, respectful, spiritual partner. I promise. God helps those who help themselves.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
darn it thought this was current. OOPS I hate that...
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Please start your own threads ladies.  This one is old.  thank you
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Interesting approach, glad it worked out for you.  But you did say that you were separated which makes a difference...
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Hmmm, I'm not so sure I would say that taking such a sneaky, dishonest approach would be ideal, but if it worked, it worked.  Does your husband know it was YOU he was talking to the whole time?

I just wouldn't as a rule recommend this being a way to work on communication.  Glad things worked out for you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks - I was really just venting and was actually amazed to find a situation almost exactly like mine.  My feelings are hurt and it felt a little bit better to put it down in words rather than keep talking to myself.  
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Acutally Plew, it would be better if you started your own thread rather than adding to a very old one.  Hit post a question to do so.  thanks!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Funny how these types of posts can keep going for years.  I just found an email in my husbands inbox of the same nature, f**kbuddy.net.  Definitely a name he would use and the same thing, giving a generic password so he could go back through the email and activate his account.  I found it quite by accident, pulled up his Chrome page instead of mine and didn't pay attention when I opened the mailbox.  I printed the email and it's in my purse.  It's 3:10 am here and he is sleeping right now, gets up at 4.  Still trying to decide how to handle it.  I was cheated on by my first hubby and we have had extensive convos about that.  I work really hard to trust him and find myself explaining away some things I feel or suspect but this one has kept me up all night.  Can't wait to hear what excuse he comes up with.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I don't get it what happened to a man seeing another woman naked being taboo or woman saying another man naked that was to be back then what happened to that now its like its okay you can even watch him screwing each other what happened everyone's morals
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
don't believe them I can't believe how common this has become in marriages I have read story after story after story that can be my story or is my story but mine is worse I guess I let mine go too long before I realize what was going on like 13 years too long now I can't trust em for nothing he put a lock on his phone like that's going to help me trust him its over between us they'll never be trust
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I recently found the same thing my husband had signed up for a site called Milf  I freaked on him and you know what he tried to blame it on me he told me he has not been happy for a long time and its because he thought I was not happy such a typical response I no longer trust him and I doubt I ever will . he has not been interested in sex for a long time I usually have to initiate it  I asked him if he ever cheated and he started crying and said no still don't trust him though
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3060903 tn?1398565123
The original poster hasn't commented on this post or any other since 2010,
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Avatar universal
Before u blow it out of proportion... cell phones r just like tht now. I get Facebook nd dating alerts nd I dnt use either. A lot of ads go around saying u have a wink or another available update its usually viruses for cell phones.
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
Oops, this is a really old post
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
I'm wondering about the contact that he made earlier with two other women?
Also, please think about taking the initiative to get a good therapist to help support you until your marriage get's on a stronger footing.. You're in my prayers.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
my husband had been acting lil diff and so I went threw his phone net hystory and found where he registered for a xxx dating site. He swears it wasn't him but it was his phone his town his phone number his age and email. And still swears he didn't do it. So I went into the site on my phone (his reason it was registered was his info is programed in his fone)(mine is too) but I still had to put it all in there manually inorder for it to sign me up. Noone else has had his fone. We've been together about 11 yrs. What do I do and how do I find what the truth is? And how do I stop obsessing on this. I'm not sure if it hurts more cuz I feel lied to or cuz he has an account
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
So sorry to hear about your situation.  I understand completely how you feel.  I have been married for 31 years and have 7 wonderful children and 7 equally wonderful grandchildren.  My husband for a very long time has been very secretive about everything.  Bank accounts, credit cards, emails, his phone etc.  I am not allowed to touch a piece of his mail.  After 31 years of marriage!  My gut feeling finally talked me into taking a closer look.  About 6 months ago I discovered porn on his phone and lots of porn on our computer.  My 12 year old daughter told me she has actually seen her Dad looking at porn many times in the middle of the night when she gets up for a drink or something.  I was sickened to hear that!  I also found out he was enrolled in the dating website AshleyMadison, soliciting extra marital affairs.  Nothing could have been more devastating. He said it was all just a joke.  He is a serial liar.  Just recently I found a text on his phone from his "psychic" friend.  Apparently they are now having an affair.  I am done!!!!! Filing for divorce right now!   He has ruined my life.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, livi, this wouldn't make me happy.  I'd ask him to stop doing that and to make his computer/phone available to you.  Then be very very watchful.  I hope it was just a prank on his part but still inappropriate.  good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm going throw the same thing, we have a 5 year old and a 7 month old.  He swears on there life he never cheated.  He says it was just fun toying with people heads.  He would tell them he loves them and wants to ****.  He says he never would do it.  I don't know what to believe.
Helpful - 0
1066198 tn?1333309028
just a thought... I found a similar issue with my X H... I went online and set up a fake account, too... even used a fake picture... got him emailing her/me for awhile-- you wouldn't believe the crap he said to her  ( me) about ME and how horrid things were- according to him... I finally set up a meeting with him..... My sister and I just happened to be having lunch there--very discreetly-- when he showed up looking all spiffy and very confused.... funny, he seemed very touchy.... even emailed later to ask her why she wasn't there.....  Just one of the reasons-- and the proof I needed to make him my X....

Also-- if you find suspicious emails-- copy and paste it onto your word pad-- then print it out and save it... that's how I caught my H on porn sites... but that was on his web history.... I asked him about it point blank-- he denied it vehemently--- even after I told him that I KNEW he was lying.... til I handed him a COPY of what I had printed.... (saved the original in a safe place -just in case).....

Just an idea...sneaky as heii I know... but saved my current marriage-- and helped me find the truth in the  1st.....

Good luck........
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Wow, that's scary that if you go into an adult website just once, you will be bombarded with contant XXX spam. For some people who enjoy these websites, oh well, but for a married couple, this could be a problem if one of the spouse is unaware and feels that hubby or wife is viewing all these websites...I've just learn something new here.  Judy
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
just to make you feel a bit better....i get that spam crap all the time. it got so bad i almost threw my laptop out the window. lol. hubby installed a new spyware/adware thingy and allllll gone. : o) maybe he needs new spyware so that the alerts aren't being sent to him.
Helpful - 0
902589 tn?1268148853
Just ask him? So I'm supposed to go up to him and say "Oh hey baby, did you happen to sign up for a sex dating website?" And then of course he will tell me the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

I'm sorry but how dare you tell me that he is bored with me or that my physical relationship with him is boring. I may not be the most adventurous sex fiend out there but I am open to new ideas he wants to suggest. I am personally happy with our sex life and my husband doesn't make complaints too often so as far as i can tell he is happy with it as well. And even if he was not happy with our sex life he needs to talk to ME about it. Wanting more "adventurous' sex is NOT an excuse for going out and finding it with someone else when you are in a relationship. If you want more adventurous sex or are unhappy with your relationship, you need to talk to your spouse about it and try and solve the problem, and failing that you need to get OUT of the relationship before acting like an immature horny teenager and having sex with another person.

Cheating in any form is absolutely inexcusable to me. It is NEVER OK under any circumstances.

Ok now that I've gone off on a tangent about that, on the issue at hand

Coco87:
No i do not think I am prepared to hear the answer if he has really signed up for a sex dating site, because I do not know if I could ever just forgive and forget that, especially if he went through with it and did cheat. I do not believe I have that kind of understanding and forgiveness or strength in me to give out and forget it.

Vance:
Yes I have come to the conclusion that it was just a spam email. Since I did check and see what kind of emails they would send me I know for sure it was just spam, as they have been sending me 2-3 emails a day ever since I created an account, which I have already deleted and blocked their emails for.

As to the keystroke program, yes that was put on the computer to monitor my husband's activities. I have trust issues because of things that have occurred in the past which i am aware of and I am working on, and all of which my husband is also fully aware of. He does not know about the keystroke program, and I do feel really really crappy about having it on the computer(i only added it after seeing the sex dating site alert) and I know it is sneaky and horrible and maybe a completely crazy thing to do but I needed to have the proof if i did confront him about this dating site, but as I have put it down to just spam I will not be doing that.

but the trust issue is definitely on top of my list for things to discuss when we have a talk, if we ever get to have another talk (yes, he's asleep again, he passed out about 1 1/2 hours ago watching tv) we have many issues we need to address, or at least that I feel need addressed.

Ok I think that's about all the update and responses I have in me for now.
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Avatar universal
For what it's worth...I do get a lot of Spam e-mails about sex site. If you visit one site and sign up for something you will get that site selling your info to other sites.

Why do you have a keystock program on your computer? Is it to spy on what your husband does?
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