Husband wants sex, i am not interested.

My husband and i have recently had a baby a month ago. He wants sex everyday but i am not interested and often see it as a chore. I want to be close to him and cuddle but am not interested in having any type of sex. if i dont have sex with him he pleases himself while watching pornography. Him watching pornography hurts me because i feel as if he likes that female better than me. He constantly bugs me for sex until i give in or later that night will masterbate. what should i do. please help me. This is effecting our marriage. It is causing him a lot of stress but at the same time i dont know how to become more interested and am currently unhappy with the way i look if i dont have on form fitting clothing and makeup but dont feel like doing this all the time.

[Ashelen]

First of all, 1 month after a baby is several weeks too soon to be having sex for safety reasons...so you need to emphasize to him that your doctor has you clear you physically before you can resume sexual activities.

second of all...this is sexual pressure and a form of abuse. he needs to stop pressuring you into sex and then ignoring your feelings by making you feel like you HAVE to have sex with him to keep him from masturbating to porn.

consider therapy. couples therapy, marriage therapy, sex therapy, or all of the above. you both need help learning to communicate and compromise in the bedroom.

above all....DON'T feel unattractive. YOU JUST HAD A BABY! sweetie...your body just went through the most difficult thing a body CAN go through in a lifetime. give yourself a break and try to love yourself.

most likely your sex drive will come back as your hormones level out again after the baby's birth...but you have to give it some time...and he needs to be patient for your health AND for the health of your relationship.

sorry you're going through this, you're very vulnerable right now and it sounds like he's not being very sensitive. speak up...stand up for yourself.

[Ashelen]

First of all, 1 month after a baby is several weeks too soon to be having sex for safety reasons...so you need to emphasize to him that your doctor has you clear you physically before you can resume sexual activities.

second of all...this is sexual pressure and a form of abuse. he needs to stop pressuring you into sex and then ignoring your feelings by making you feel like you HAVE to have sex with him to keep him from masturbating to porn.

consider therapy. couples therapy, marriage therapy, sex therapy, or all of the above. you both need help learning to communicate and compromise in the bedroom.

above all....DON'T feel unattractive. YOU JUST HAD A BABY! sweetie...your body just went through the most difficult thing a body CAN go through in a lifetime. give yourself a break and try to love yourself.

most likely your sex drive will come back as your hormones level out again after the baby's birth...but you have to give it some time...and he needs to be patient for your health AND for the health of your relationship.

sorry you're going through this, you're very vulnerable right now and it sounds like he's not being very sensitive. speak up...stand up for yourself.

[MZLAUREL]

It takes 6 weeks for the female body to heal enough after delivery, to have sex.
The behavior your husband is displaying is ABUSIVE!
It sounds like he is addicted to sex, if he has to do it that much. And the pornography with masterbation (masturbation) in front of you??? HE has a problem... Which means you have a problem. And now you have a baby to take care of. Isn't that just sooo convenient for him!
My BF was behaving like that. It took me realizing that I was LETTING HIM ABUSE ME, because I did not know better. That I was used to abuse, so he seemed OK.
I put my foot down. I got him in therapy. (I already was) It took almost losing the relationship, to get him to go. It has taken a while for him to see his behavior in light of the "norm".
He was on the phone with his sister... She said for him to give me a hug. He said "I'll give her one, but I I'll probably end up groping her... laugh laugh".
I saw that as very telling. I had just finished telling him I was tired of being "humped" all the time. I suggested that when he hugged his Mom or Sis or friends, he did not hump them... That I deserved that much respect. I was amazed at how much porno his friend e-mailed to him. I suggested he would have less problems with his computer if he did not go to those sites.
I would also try to figure out what makes him feel like he needs to placate himself that much. Like he needs to decompress or he is has low self esteem or he is feeling like a fish out of water (ignored) with the new baby.
The important thing is to take the PROPER CARE OF YOURSELF, SO YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY!!!
6 weeks post childbirth for sex... You could get an infection, with your system open like it is. You want to have more kids probably... Take care of yourself.
Sex is not suppose to be a duty. The more you give in to inappropriate behavior, the worse it becomes. He comes to believe it is OK, and you convince yourself  of that too. Then the whole thing festers and blows up.

[MZLAUREL]

PS
Men frequently do not know what love is. They think that their sexual feelings are love. That their passion is the love. It can be hard for them to see it, because they are raised not to recognize alot of their feelings. I was amazed at how few emotions my BF was able to identify.
That comes from being raised with the idea that they will go to war. Women do not have that fear. They do not HAVE to go to war. So men tend to have less education in feelings... To a woman's extra education.

[bluegummiebear]

not literal sex ... i should have said sexual attention ... excuse me for my mistake

[bluegummiebear]

Thank you for all of your comments. I really appriciate it. I didn't realize this is a form of abuse. The reason i give in to him sometimes is because i am afraid he will cheat if i do not ... he doesnt show signs of cheating but his father cheated on his mother and i have heard if you dont please your man that he will look for it elsewhere. I am very stressed right now, My baby has been colicky and her doctor wont diagnose her with it but i looked up all of the symptoms and she has all of them. all he wants to do is give her medicine for acid reflux. I am considering finding a new doctor. Another thing is that not only is my husband constantly nagging me for sex all evening when he gets home but he also doesnt want to seem to take care of the baby.. the other night i asked him if he would feed her (I have to take care of her from 10 pm to 3 or 4 pm the next day) he said he would but acted like he wanted nothing to do with it so i said you act like you want nothing to do with her, he replied right now i don't. I am afraid if i ask him about marriage counseling it will cause problems because he is too prideful to ask for help .. i was raised in a low income family and was taught to ask for help but only if i truly needed it, he was raised to not ask for help. He also gets angry when i talk to his mom about things (that sometimes are personal problems ... such as things he did that hurt me emotionally.. such as the porn issue) He also doesnt put back money if our baby were to need anything he says well if she needs anything we will just ask my mom and dad, and i hate doing this and depending on them  for everything, i currently have no license to drive a car and have no way back to work and a baby to take care of, and i cannot afford child care even if i did work, and dont trust strangers with my child, so me working is out of the question right now and i admit i am not perfect ... since i had the baby i havent been doing as much housework as i should be or cooking him dinner ... but i figure hes 20 years old he should take care of himself because i have the baby and i have to take care of me and her. I have only been married for one year and am already afraid our marriage will end in a divorce because of all the problems we have.

[bluegummiebear]

He doesn't masterbate infront of me as a matter of fact he wont even let me in the room ... and if i walk into our bedroom because i forgot something of the baby's he hurrys up and tries to hide it. And now hes to the point that he wont even please himself unless i touch myself as well. I havent been to the doctor yet for my postpartum check up and i told him if i do this i may not be able to have any more children and he still insists that i do it among other things i shouldnt be doing yet. I already miscarried before i had my 1 month old.

[bluegummiebear]

also when i do take up for myself i get yelled at and i feel like a child.

[MZLAUREL]

Hi
Your husbands behavior as you describe it, is abuse. I am hoping he does not hit you.
Abusive people will ISOLATE their victim.
So if you have no license, it makes it much harder for you to avoid abuse.
Having a baby makes you financially dependent on him. He can use that to increase isolation. Then escalate the abuse.
I am not saying that is what he is doing. I am also saying that if he does these behaviors, he may not be aware that he is doing it.
It is important that you have CLEAR BOUNDARIES. I will do this... I WLL NOT do that. It is important for you to be consistent. Not only for your relationship with your husband, but with your baby.
Men, emotionally,  are basically 12 year olds, with too much muscle.
You have rights!
You have the right not to be yelled at.
You have the right to your own body.
You ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have the right to say NO.
Humans have an inate sense of what is right and wrong. If you FEEL BAD about something, regardless of what anyone else says, it is BAD FOR YOU.
You may be becoming aware of his behavior in light of your desire to protect your baby. Your baby needs YOU!!!! Your husband needs to grow up.
Cheating is not sexual. Cheating is emotional. Your fear of his behavior is what he uses to manipulate you... Just like a little kid will pull a tantrum in a store... They know you are influenced by your surroundings.
If your parents are supportive... I am sure they love you... You could talk to them about the situation. NOT his Mom. That sounds like you are telling on him.
What you can do, is tell your Mom and Dad about how you are feeling. If you are fearful for any reason, you need to act to keep yourself and your baby healthy and happy. Your baby may be stressed by your tension, which can make the colic (which does not need pills) worse.
It may be helpful to visit with them for a couple of weeks while you negotiate your husband into marriage therapy.
Please realize that you are WORTHY of people LOVING you.
Please also realize, you see the world different now, YOU ARE SOMEONES MOM!

[specialmom]

I'm concerned.  He's 20 and how old are you?  What I am concerned about is the way this relationship is going.  There is a respect level that is missing, communication that is lacking, and a mature response to having a child and a home together that I am also not seeing.

We as women have to know what we want in life and have expectations of how we will be treated.  We need to think about that BEFORE we have the kids.  That is where making a good choice in a partner comes into play and laying down a solid foundation as a couple is essential.  I'm just feeling like this step got missed here and now you are in a position of doing damage control.  

Having a child is hard.  It changes everything.  No, we don't feel all that sexy after having a baby (well, I didn't).  Our hormones fluctuate in odd ways and what is probably most problematic after a baby is the exhaustion that we have from caring for the baby, house, and ourselves.  It is all very tiring.  Partners are suppose to be understanding and heck, help out a little.  I don't think we have to get mad at them when they don't and scream and shout.  We need to clearly state what we expect.  Have you asked him to help out?  I think you need to calmly communicate to him where you stand.  And then you'll have a better chance of creating a home enviroment that is healthy.  I'm worried as many things you state are not all that healthy.  Whether it is immaturity on his part or yours, you need to address making a peaceful home for your child.  

If you belong to a church, maybe you could do some couples counseling to work on some of these things.  Or if you have insurance, you could see a therapist.  I really think it would be of benefit.

I wish you luck.  This is a special time in your life with a new baby and all.  Don't feel alone because many couple's have trouble adjusting to things once a baby comes.  But I just want you to lay the groundwork to a happy home so that this doesn't get worse.  good luck

[bluegummiebear]

The reason i confide in his mother instead of my parents is truly because i cannot have a relationship with my father because he is an alcoholic and a drug addict, my mother was there for me when i was younger but her husband (my stepdad) sexually abused me and she kept him and threw me out ... i still talk to her but we are not that close... me and his mother have a lot in common and she understands how i feel because she has went through the same things i went through and am currently going through.

[bluegummiebear]

I would like to know why you are saying that his sexual addictions are my immaturity ... i have asked him to help out and he does not seem interested .... and are you saying i should not have had my daughter? if so that is the rudest thing i have ever heard .. hopefully that is not what you meant ... please explain.

[specialmom]

By the way, I do not read abuse in what you've written here. He doesn't sound like he is hitting you but can be nasty in a fight.  That isn't good but in my opinion, happens a lot in relationships where communication is poor.  I would work on that for sure.  

He seems to have a high sexual drive.  I would tell him that you can not have sex until you get the okay from your doctor and then once you get the okay, I'd resume relations when you can. Sometimes we don't always feel like it as we are tired------  and that is okay.  But making an effort to have a sex life with your partner is important.  Porn is something that I'm not a fan of.  Was he doing it a lot before the baby?  Is it his response to your current unavailbility?  Just keep the communication open about it without making him defensive.  Don't feel insecure about it as it sounds like he'd rather be with you but that you.  And then try to get rid of it down the road.  

Couple of other things, colicky babies are often that way due to tummy trouble.  I added one drop of gas (can't remember the name of it, started with an M and you bought it over the counter) to a bottle or to the side of my babies mouth that exibited colicky behavior.  You can do a really light tummy massage as well.  We walked our son a lot to soothe him.  "Diagnosing of colic" doesn't really happen other than to say the baby is colicky and I think your doctor's recommendation is a good one.  Just thought I'd throw that in as I was in your boat with that.  

I do think you need to be honest with your parents (not his) about what is going on.  I would work on getting your liscense back-------- why don't you have one?  This will help in general---------- what do you do when you need to run an errand?  And if you need to go back to work, plan for it.  

These are just some of my thoughts.

[specialmom]

You misunderstood me.  I did not say his sexual addictions are his immaturity.  I am guessing that there is some growing up to do on both your parts on some things and that is not meant to be rude in the least.  It was meant to help in saying that there are things to work on here for every body.  I'm just trying to help but will let others take over.  good luck to you.

And I am sorry about your mother and father.  What happened to you with your mother's husband happened to my husband's niece and it is terribly painful.  I can understand that you've had to leave your home and started a life elsewhere.  That you think about saving money and your future is a really good thing and I do wish you the best in your relationship and life.

[bluegummiebear]

sorry if i came off sounding rude.. i did not mean it .. i am just very worried now... the porn problem started when he lived with his parents. my mom listens but never really does anything in trying to help me with marital issues, i was trying to get my license when my mom threw me out ...........it explains why in one of my other posts... i didnt lose my license i just never got one ... i have been trying but where i live i have to pay 300 dollars for a driving course and i have no money... my mother in law has to take me to run errands.

[bluegummiebear]

ABUSE IS NOT JUST HITTING ... IT IS ALSO MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE ... AND HE IS NOT HITTING ME .

[specialmom]

Do YOU feel he is abusing you emotionally?  

[bluegummiebear]

PLEASE EXPLAIN ...  you said respect level, on which part do you mean .... and i know there are communication issues because if he wants sexual attention and i tell him "i just had a baby i have no interest in sex right now" and he gets angry with me because he thinks i should do it anyways.

[MZLAUREL]

Hi
In light of your saying you were sexually abused... I have PTSD from sexual abuse. It is important for you to understand that, having been abused will create a cycle of continued abuse.
YOU NEED TO SEE A THERAPIST IMMEDIATELY. The reason I say this, is that childbirth can trigger all kinds of hidden problems for women who have been abused.

Victims of sexual abuse (stepfather) frequently minimalize their experience.
Especially feeling like somehow the abusers bad behavior was their fault.
The abuser will perpetuate that, to keep his victim... a victim that he can keep abusing.

You sound very young. Having a child very young (before20 years old) shows that your decisions are "off center". It is hard to make lifetime decisions without any life experience.
It sounds like you have had no real guidance, I am not sure that the mother of your abuser is the appropriate person to talk to... Considering he learned to abuse in her home. It stands to reason you and her have alot in common.
Abusers like their victims to have no support structure. You have no family support, so it is harder for you to ask for help.
A church, a hospital, Department of human services, child and family services, the police department, the fire department, the high school... If you call any of these resources, they WILL HELP YOU. To the point of helping you have a place free of abuse. They HAVE TO HELP YOU, if they turn you away, they can be liable.

Please keep in mind that there ARE good people in the world. You were born into a world that has hidden the good.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE!!!

[bluegummiebear]

yes i do feel emotional abuse.

[specialmom]

Porn is a really destructive thing.  Many people see it as no big deal but when it causes friction in a relationship-------- I say it IS a problem.  I was thinking that I'd let this issue lay for the time being as you have  much going on.  You can not have sex (or shouldn't be right now) and telling him NO PORN too might just be a huge fight.  I agree that I would want porn out of the picture (so to speak) and would plan on tackling this.  But timing is important.  You are probably feeling even more insecure about it now due to your lack of desire for sex.  Yes, it is a problem but right now I'd pick your battles.  I'd work on his speaking to you calmly and respectfully first.

Bringing me to the idea of abuse.  I didn't know if you felt abused or if this is something brought to your attention here.  I am aware of emotional and mental abuse but from what you've written here-------- didn't see it.  YOU felt like he'd cheat if you didn't have sex with him because his father cheated on his mother.  It would be manipulative and abusive for him to say "have sex with me or I'll cheat."  that is the difference and an example for why I said I didn't see abuse.  I only had to go on what you've written here and you will know better if you are being abused or not.  

You are in a tough situation.  I don't know your age and if you can ask for financial assistance from the government to help with money issues.  

[specialmom]

Well, yes.  The getting angry part when you tell him that you are phsycially not cleared for sex yet from your doctor and not ready to do it (like hey dude, did you see that huge thing come out of me . . . ouch!!)  ---  that is not what I'd expect from a caring husband.  Yes, if he uses his anger to manipulate you rather than to express his feelings, that is abusive.  If you are feeling emotionally abused, you have to think about what your options are.

If you do not think he will attend any kind of counseling or ask anyone for help, you are kind of stuck.  You either live with it or you have to leave.  Have you thought about where you would leave to or what you would do?

[bluegummiebear]

i understand what you mean now... i am 20.. it is hard for me to be told i still have maturing to do because it makes me feel like a child.... i already have a med card for all three of us and just applied for food assistance... he seems to think he can depend on his mommy and daddy to hand us everything we need for out baby ... this upsets me badly ... i ask him to put money back for her needs but every time he does he spends it on something else ... usually not a necessity ... i love him and i feel horrible because i dont want to make him look bad ... and if he saw this he would probobly be very hurt.

[bluegummiebear]

i would have to go to a homeless shelter ... which i will not do... my dads side whole side of the family are alcoholics and drug addicts i will not live in that environment and neither will my daughter... my moms side of the family i am not that close to...  i need to understand if this is truly abuse or not maybe you can help me understand more clearly ... this is exactly what happens:  if i tell him no i wont have any type of sex with him he gets very angry leaves the room yells and goes in the bedroom, slams the door and watches porn to get off.. i feel this is not fair to me because i cannot have sex and dont feel like it because i just had a baby. i cant stand him watching porn ... it hurts me ... but he doesnt always do it ... but sometimes i catch him doing it ... when he goes in the room he doesnt want me in there with him ... if i walk in the room to get the babys stuff he hurrys up and acts like he wasnt doing it... please help me understand what you feel is truly going on and what to do about it.

[bluegummiebear]

i hope people dont mean that i shoudnt have had a baby just because im only 20 .. i do not regret my daughter ... i love her very much.

[specialmom]

Well, I hear you that you do not have a lot of options of where to go and what to do and I'm factoring in that you have a one month old baby here.  This skews my advice a certain way because as long as this house is safe physically and emotionally, you should stay there for now.  No.  He does not sound like a prize winning husband.  His reaction of anger (yelling) is not great.  I want you to know though, that many people (men and women) yell when mad.  It means that they never learned how to express their emotions adequately early on.  So they do base level things like have an adult version of a tantrum.  Is it abuse?  Ugh.  That is hard to say.  Your description above sounds like he is frustrated and maybe there is a disconnect about what is going on with you.  By the rules of your doctor, you shouldn't have sex until 6 weeks right?  His assistance that you should anyway tells me he either doesn't get it on a congnitive thinking level or he is willing to hurt someone in order to have sex.  I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say it is the first one.  So-----------  I'd approach him when things are CALM (and NOT when he wants sex) and say that the doctor has told you that sex might hurt you that you are trying to recover from child birth.  And when you get the green light for sex that you will try to have it more often with him.  Can he live with that?  If he says no.  Yikes.  But hopefully he will say yes to that as it is reasonable.  (tell him that you are recovering with a torn labia ------ I know, too much info-----  but you really do need to heal! explain it to him).  Don't bring up porn right now.  I know you hate it and want it gone and I agree but I just don't think it will fly now.

What you say is GOOD news with the porn.  He does it when he can't have you!!  He wants to do it alone as he seems to feel a little ashamed about it.  This all means that he doesn't necessarily love that he uses it.  It is a tool to get what he needs.  This is good because some men start to think that the PORN is what they need.  He needs sexual outlet and if you can't, that works.  This is better than the other way around.

I agree that saving money is important.  I think you've married a young man that isn't thinking yet in terms of his future.  Encourage him.  Maybe ask for 10 bucks a week to go in an envelope for surprise baby needs.  

I'll be honest.  I hear a lot of stories on here and elsewhere about husbands with issues.  Yours has some but there are far worse guys.  And I'm worried about what you are going to do right now if you have to leave him.  

I don't know if this helps----------  It really is a hard situation.  Sorry it is so difficult for you.

[bluegummiebear]

thank you ... your post has helped me ... i feel that we were probobly too young when we got married.. i will probobly stay here.. i think if he were more affectionate torwards me things would be better... i just needed to see that... he has always stopped having sex with me if it hurts... i am not having vaginal sex with him .... he wants oral sex... sorry if too much info ... i am just not into it right now ... my mother always held her feelings inside unless she was mad and this makes it very hard for me to communicate my feelings to him .. almost as if i am embarrased to say how i feel or why im hurt unless i am mad .. but then i offend him terribly

[ammanda]

My Boyfriend is very simular to yours. He is 22 years old and thinks he has to get off or he cant sleep, every night. after I had my son 6 months ago and while being pregnant I had to sex drive, still really dont.  and it drives my boyfriend nuts. BUT... theres a difference between us.  I am all for oral every single night if i could, if it gets him off my case! lol and he does masturbate to porn alot. but I dont mind, sometimes we watch it together.. But I agree that in both our situations, the porn is the second best. they both always try for us first, so its a good thing that we are number one.  It would be different if they didnt want anything to do with us and chose to watch porn over being with us.  you know.. me and my boyfriend fight alot about being "together"  Im just not that into it anymore.. and he does neglect me when we dont do it, but I learn to just say whatever, your being immature and let it go.  

I know its hard, but i just wanted to let you know im in the same situation as you.  

and about the baby thing, we have a 6 month old son, and my boyfriend doesnt do much to help out, unless i ask him, he will take him and go int eh other room if im getting overwhelmed, but he just lets him cry. i cant stand to hear my baby cry...  i do all the feedings and changes and baths.  and I am the one that entertains him and plays with him.

If you ever wanna talk im here, just send me a message..

[MZLAUREL]

The idea that your man wants sex, and you are not interested, but you satisfy his wants to "get him off your case" anyway, because he has a tantrum if you don't...
Basically you are rewarding him for VERY BAD BEHAVIOR.
Every time you reward him thus... It reinforces, in his mind, that he can have a tantrum and get what he WANTS.
Children have tantrums to get their WHIMS fulfilled.
Do you have tantrums to get your NEEDS fulfilled? I bet if YOU have a tantrum, it is over a NEED, like sleep...  as opposed to his tantrum over his childish inabilty to deal with the world, without an orgasm that YOU are required to give him.
Sounds like a LITTLE DICTATOR doesn't it?

[MZLAUREL]

PS
And the idea that he will go look at porno and get off... And now you are saying you are getting him off so he won't use the porno.... That you are trying to keep his intrest in you, rather than porno....
This little dictator thinks has it all over you.
The porno is an unreal object that IF HE WERE SINGLE HE WOULD BE CHASING SKIRT RATHER THAN THAT PITIFUL RELEASE.
In reality you have it all over him.
He  WANTS your sex. You don't NEED his. That puts you in the drivers seat... Not him...
You have a hectic, tiring day. Say no, when you don't want it, BUT, think of a day/time that is better, and make a DATE for that time. ASK HIM TO SAVE IT TILL THEN... SO HE WILL BE VERY HOT, because you have something very special to give him, but it would take too long, and you are too tired right now!!
He will be OK with putting it off, if he has a point to make it to.
And you can plan intimacy around your DATE.

[ammanda]

If your referring to me at all, I didnt ask for help, I dont need advise or anything said by anyone, I was answering her question and letting her know shes not alone.. only if someone askes for advice should it be given... If I want to get him off my case, thats what Im gonna do!!!!!!!

[MZLAUREL]

NOW you are rewarding him for holding off on his impulses. And you are creating intimacy... Which is probably what he really NEEDS... But doesn't know that.

[MZLAUREL]

I am speaking in general. I have had the same issues, that got way out of hand. The original question and subsequent discussion brought up just these issues. I am offering up a scenario that will get the ladies their intimacy... And control over their life.

[specialmom]

Okay, I disagree here a bit MZLaurel and here is why.  We are talking about young couples with a child.  They are trying to make their relationships work vs. being told they are married to shmucks that don't care about their needs.  Some men do very much need sex in their life and that is not a bad thing.  I don't think women need to do it every time or if they are against it, but it is part of a relationship that is important.  

I think guiding people through ways to communicte is an effective tool in helping them.  I recommend to all women in this position to work on being able to express themselves to their husband/partner in a way that does result in confrontation.  That does not mean giving in all the time but it also means being reasonable in how they approach the situation.  I have found making an empathetic statement is helpful such as "I know this is really really frustrating for you and it won't be like this forever, but right now I am just so tired--------  can we do "it" (whatever that is) in the morning? "  Calm, cool, effective for getting your rest for the moment.  Then you do have to go ahead and do what you say you will do.  

Yes, I wish all men (and women) were perfect but if this is their situation to work on vs. making their partners simply a villain.  I wish them luck

[specialmom]

I think in terms of having difficulty getting our partners to be helpful with the kids--------- I definately had to work on that myself.  I found by taking a break and handing over the reigns of the baby (saying I needed to take a shower and disappearing for an hour at first)----------  it helped to put them in the position of having to do it.  Yep, force the issue a bit and take your moment's peace.  Now, I always do the dishes.  Why?  My husband hangs with the kids and plays and it is their special time-------------  I do dishes and then slip to my room for a break while they play.  So think of ways to get them involved and have specific times that they are "in charge".  My husband responded to that and while it was hard for him at first or every time I increased the time he was " in charge"----------- he became an old pro after a bit and my boys are very bonded to him.  good luck

[MZLAUREL]

I am offering a scenario, that is a way of compromising.
In the discussion above, these young women are stating difficulties.
Pert of their difficulty is that when they DO sat NO... Their man is having a TANTRUM about it.
A tantrum is a sign of immaturity... Childishness.
We are all guilty of these behaviors.
I am saying in leiu of a tantrum.
IF YOU ARE NOT IN THE MOOD...
Offer a compromise.
The compromise I offered gets both the people involed into a better place.
Mom gets to control the WHEN. And Dad gets his DESSERT, with whipped cream (literally if necessary) and a cherry on top.
The DATE is an opportunity for both partners to get together in an equal way.
IF A MAN HAS A TANTRUM TO GET YOU TO HAVE SEX YOU DON'T WANT...
IT IS A PROBLEM

[MZLAUREL]

ps
Anybody that believes a man when he says he just HAS to do it.... You are being duped.
And to the MEN.
If you hold on to that thing, like  a   security   blanket.... You will find yourself  with troubles you had no idea existed.
I know a guy who screwed his live-in babysitter. He put it where it was not supposed to be. She has had him by his wanker ever since. That is why it is refered to as a
"dumbstick" , when in use, that stick makes a man DUMB.

[specialmom]

Well, I guess then we are saying the same thing but in much different ways.  

[MZLAUREL]

Seems so...

[specialmom]

Anyhoo, good luck to the poster! (and our friend Amanda)

[MZLAUREL]

People only DO TO YOU, what YOU LET THEM DO.
The question becomes, what does it get you?
When you are aware that you are LETTING someone abuse you... and still repeat the behavior?
Once you realize what YOU GET OUT OF THE ABUSE... You can decide if you truely want THAT... OR MAYBE SOME OTHER CHOICE.
Most people, MYSELF INCLUDED, are not aware that they get something out of the abuse... And that they have A CHOICE.
For me it was the reinforcement that I was NOT WORTHY of anything but abuse.
My parents beat me with belts and whips and whatever they could find (didn't want to hurt their hand or fist I guess).
That set me up for sexual abuse etc.
I lived my entire life with that LABEL of not worthy.
Once I discovered that I AM IN FACT WORTHY... I have been able to improve my life on a consistent, and sometimes EXPONENTIAL way.

[RockRose]

This doesn't sound abusive to me,  this guy sounds too young to be married with a baby.  I have a 20 year old son and I can not IMAGINE him being an effective husband and father right now - although he's a sweetheart of a guy,  and a good boyfriend to his girlfriend,  a 20 year old guy is just NOT THERE in maturity to be a husband and father.

Also,  I will say most men don't tend to connect much with newborns - they can't do anything.  Once the babies are walking and getting around,  dads take a greater interest.

I really think you need to stop telling his mother your problems,  and you need to work on becoming more of a couple rather than two people fighting all the time over sex and porn and money.

And I don't know how to begin to do that,  since he's still mentally a big teenager.

[MZLAUREL]

Hi
There is a difference between abusive behavior, and "Abuse".

"Abuse" is the label we give to the gereral theme of a relationship, where one person is consistently using POWER, of some sort to control the behavior of another person.

Abusive behavior is something we use to get something. Sometimes, abusive behavior is warranted.
A person is about to hit your child. You yell at them "If you touch her, I will kill you".
Yelling at someone is abusive. But under these circumstances, probably warranted.
Children chide, and tease etc. It is how they test and learn how to interact socially. Parents learn to let alot of it slide... As long as the POWER is not unequal.

Having a TANTRUM (like a child) when he doesn't get sex exactly when he decides he wants it, is abusive behavior.
In my opinion, it is NEVER warranted, to have a tantrum if he doesn't get off at ANY particular point in time. It is childish.
If he is emotionally a teenager... Then he needs to learn to be an adult, and put off gratification of "his itch", untill he gets the "baby poop" off his hands (so to speak).
Or he will spend alot of time washing up, and doing laundry, for that ten seconds of lack of tolerance.

If it becomes a theme of the relationship... Then we LABEL IT ABUSE.

[RockRose]

I don't know who the "we" is that labels immaturity abuse,  and I'm not sure how helpful that is in solving the problem to start slinging the word "abuse" around when words like "compromise" work much better.

It's an attitude of working together toward a solution,  rather than standing with your hands on your hips saying "you're abusive".

[MZLAUREL]

Hi
You said it "doesn't sound abusive to me"...
I defined the two terms as I use them.
I am reasonably sure my definition is pretty close to that of the dictionary. I come to that definition, in light of being abused. And in light of being in therapy for that abuse, for some time, now.

I believe I used the term "compromise" as well.
We use compromise to mitigate, ameliorate, and generally prevent people from abusing us.
The WE and US are pronouns describing ME and someone else. Since I know others think and behave this way, I took the liberty of using WE and US.

[RockRose]

It depends on your perspective and life experiences, and I guess that's why a forum is so valuable in that all perspectives are considered.

When I read through her story,  I see that she is 20,  he's 20,  they're both not ready for marriage,  they have a baby and not enough money and she has absolutely no resources whatsoever in the world - no family that is appropriate to help out,   no  car,  no apparent job prospects,   no driver's license.

And he's immature and wants some kind of sex every night and when she doesn't give it to him he gets frustrated and rude and goes off in private and masturbates behind closed doors.

This is just a pickle,  and I don't sense he's as abusive as he is immature and not ready for the kind of relationship they've got themselves in to,   and I don't think she's ready for it either.  

So aside from CPS coming in and taking the baby (seems extreme at this point,  and unwarranted)  the best way to move forward is both of them taking an attitude of loving compromise and trying to find solutions together,  as husband and wife,  and get his mother out of the middle of their bedroom (figuratively speaking).

And there's a chance that they will both mature and look back on this time as a very difficult beginning of their family together.

Or,  there's a chance they will both dig in their heels and the relationship will get worse and worse and neither will try to be understanding and supportive of each other's needs and viewpoint,  and they'll end up in divorce and God knows how the baby will fare then.  

[MZLAUREL]

Hi
Telling them that they are too young to be married, after they are already married, with a baby... Seems somewhat pointless to me.
I offered definitions for their situation. Support for her plight. I offered information on resources where she could find help in either an emergency, or over the phone, for lack of a vehicle and/or license. I offered a scenario of compromise, that would aleviate the sexual pressure. I encouraged her to stand up for herself. I encouraged her to value herself, and her feelings. I tried not to be extreme, except to use hyperbole to describe a man that is pitifully in love with his "dumbstick", and using tantrums to abuse the precious, mother of his child. I clarified my position. I have been consistent, and I have maintained my boundaries.
All of these behaviors are what children and childish husbands need, to grow up and be adults, so they can help take care of others.
Because that is what we are put on this earth for.
To help take care of others... We can't take care of others, if we don't take care of ourselves.

[specialmom]

I think we also have to be careful that we do not project our own scenarios onto others.  I feel like her statement that her boyfriend would be hurt to know some of this means he has a heart.  He stops if he hurts her and I get the  impression that they want to be good to each other.  They are learning.  I think he is learning.  He's not learned adequate ways of expressing himself but this can be taught.  Perhaps she also needs better ways of expressing herself.  She has a right to not be in the mood but I read more of a couple trying to work it out than an abusive relationship to be honest.  I hope for the babies sake they are able to work it out.  She must decide for herself if she is being abused though and I gave her my honest opinion on that.  

[MZLAUREL]

I offered a scenario as an example of what compromise is. Sometimes words can be misunderstood.
I apologize if that was not clear.
Many fields employ "scripts" to help people learn the language of the job. Scripts are mostly to get down the idea of what you want to say, and try on the words for yourself. If something about the script is awkward... You change that to something that fits each person best. Or use the script as a suggestion, and practice what you want to say.
Practice is good. It helps you be confident in how things sound.
I write poetry. Eventually, I read my verse aloud. I frequently catch awkward word transitions this way. I am most fluent when writing verse, because it is highly emotional. I seem to relate well to emotions....

[bluegummiebear]

This may get my account shut down... but quite frankly my dear you are a windbag! I, under no circumstances forced my husband to marry me!!! He asked me himself. Maybe if you didnt baby your 20 year old MAN so much he would learn to do for himself like the ADULT that he is. Maybe you should cut the cord and pull him off the *** he can't be a baby forever! Perhaps you are jealous because you are not quite as young anymore? And for CPS to take my baby because we have issues that have nothing to do with physical abuse is absurd. He has NEVER laid a hand on me or my child. For you to say that my husband cannot take care of the child that he himself laid in bed and made WITH me is also absurd. If you are an adult and are physically able to do your shared responsibility with your wife then get off of your lazy butt and do it!!!  I came here for help not your opinions on our ages and why we shouldn't be married. To say that a person is to young to be married when they are already married is ridiculous !!! I myself don't see the point in your meaningless explanation !! KARMA KARMA KARMA ***** !!!

[bluegummiebear]

You must have come from a family that never needed a dime and had both parents... well sorry to tell you but some of us don't get upper class seats on planes !!! and some of us came from broken homes!!! i guess were not as perfect as you judgemental preps who have everything handed to them and don't work for anything!!!!!!

[bluegummiebear]

I WILL be STRONG! I WILL be a WOMAN! And I WILL be SOMEONE!

[specialmom]

Oh boy, this is getting out of hand.  Know this bluegummiebear, I do think everyone is just meaning to help and not insult.  

My parents got married at 17 and had my sister at 18.  She passed away when I was in my 20's, but my mother was terrific.  My dad did his best as well.  People can rise to the occasion and be great parents and partners.  I think my suggestions came from a place of trying to help you two grow as a couple rather than just throw in the towel as you learn how to handle all of this hard stuff.  Many older than you and your husband who marry and have their first child will fall apart and break up.  So lets just leave age out of it and say that you two as a couple will have to work on your issues to improve your ability to get along and compromise on what needs to be compromised on.

I was afraid that others were projecting their life and things onto you and each of us is different.  If I read correctly, I do think your husband loves you and you love him and want this to work.  While his tactics are not good at all and what he asks of you is unreasonable at this time------------  he's not hurting your.  So if you can just move forward with the tactics and compromise on his needs/wants and yours-------  then things should get better.

This is where I'm coming from in my advice to you.  Please don't assume people are insulting you as sometimes it is hard to read the real intent of what someone writes in a post.  I am sure Rockrose isn't saying to ditch him, he's a creep or anything of the sort, but just that he is a young dude that might need some help in learning how to be a good husband.  

I really do wish you luck.

[RockRose]

Gracious.

Bluegummiebear,  I hope that your prediction that your posts may get your account shut down don't turn out to be true.

And you've completely misjudged me.

So.  I never said you forced your husband to marry you,  I said he's too immature to be an effective husband and father right now.  That much must seem obvious to everyone on this board.

And I think you have to work with what you have,  which is a man who does want you,  and prefers you over masturbation,  and at least goes into privacy to do that.

Maybe the two of you could read "The Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  I'm sure it's at the library,  and it will redirect both of you to putting each other first which is what it takes to make a successful marriage.

And I'm not jealous that I'm older.  I honestly wouldn't want to go back to being 20 again,  been there,  done that,  got the grey hairs to show for it.

Nobody lives a perfect life,  bluegummie,  but I will say I've been very blessed to have had the luck of being born into an intact family and so was my husband.  Both of our parents are still married to each other,  still living and still going to be there for Thanksgiving.  So while we haven't always been finacially wealthy I've been rich in the example for a lifelong marriage that both our sets of parents showed both of us.  

And I think that experience is worth hearing,  and the wisdom from being married 25 years myself is worth passing on to newlyweds who are off -track.

Yes,  you're both off-track.

Go back and read my posts to you with that in mind,  that they are mean to give you a different perspective than the one you have - and is causing you both to struggle - and realize my words aren't meant to hurt.
Best wishes.

[bluegummiebear]

:(

[bluegummiebear]

perhaps i got angry with you for saying we were to young to get married because i regret getting married .. the only thing i don't regret is my child.

[RockRose]

: (  

I'm sorry you regret getting married,  but since your little baby is here depending on you,  you can make this work.  

He's got some growing up to do,  and for now you'll have to do the heavy lifting.  Apparently you're the only one of the two of you that has long term money sense,  so somehow you'll have to figure out how to get him to budget and not spend foolishly,  and you'll have to look past some of the stuff that he does that's very immature,  for awhile.

I really wish you the best,  this is hard.  

[bluegummiebear]

believe me i love my husband very much ... but we were only together 9 and a half months before getting married and i was 12 weeks pregnant when i got married and then miscarried our beautiful baby 10 days later ... we lived with his parents at the time because my step dad abused me when i was 14 and my mother kicked me out when i was 18 because i finally told her the truth. she wanted to stay with him and i had to leave. he is now in prison but is supposed to get out soon. i have a lot on my plate emotionally and find it very hard to communicate with my husband because of it all but mostly because my mother taught me to hold my feelings inside, except for anger, by never talking about her feelings and emotions unless she was angry enough from letting it bottle up inside, which i know is not healthy but its all i have ever known to do .. i can talk to other females but it still bottles up inside because i am not able to talk to my husband about our problems in an appropriate way without causing problems. this is how i contribute to out marital problems in a negative way.

[bluegummiebear]

believe me i love my husband very much ... but we were only together 9 and a half months before getting married and i was 12 weeks pregnant when i got married and then miscarried our beautiful baby 10 days later ... we lived with his parents at the time because my step dad abused me when i was 14 and my mother kicked me out when i was 18 because i finally told her the truth. she wanted to stay with him and i had to leave. he is now in prison but is supposed to get out soon. i have a lot on my plate emotionally and find it very hard to communicate with my husband because of it all but mostly because my mother taught me to hold my feelings inside, except for anger, by never talking about her feelings and emotions unless she was angry enough from letting it bottle up inside, which i know is not healthy but its all i have ever known to do .. i can talk to other females but it still bottles up inside because i am not able to talk to my husband about our problems in an appropriate way without causing problems. this is how i contribute to out marital problems in a negative way.

[MZLAUREL]

Hey there
Did you check into getting some therapy?
By the way, all the verious HOTLINES will take calls from people. I have talked to people and I was not calling with the particular HOTLINE problem.
They seemed to have alot of resources at their fingertips.
I am sure you are exhausted, with a colicky baby. Try getting outside for a walk. The baby would probably sleep better with some fresh air. And you will have more enery. Fresh air makes me sleep well.
Hang in there BGB.

[bluegummiebear]

I talked to my husband about going through therapy (for my childhood abuse). He seemed very supported and said he thought it would be a good idea if i thought it could really help me. I would consider taking a walk with my little girl but its starting to get cold where i live and i don't want her to get sick. I am looking foreward to spring and winter hasn't even arrived yet. My husband loves to walk ... and that is something we could do together.... man i wish it was warmer.

[MZLAUREL]

Hey there BGB
I am glad to hear that you have talked to your husband. Therapy will make a world of difference in your life.
Unless your daughter's immune system is compromised, there is no reason she can't go out for a walk in cold weather. What is more likely to get her sick, is other humans, especially school age kids. Unless she becomes hypothermic, the cold air will not hurt her. It might help with sleep and colic (fresh air)
The most important thing is a hat... Kids lose 40% of their body heat through their heads. So bundle her up in a cute winter outfit... Coat hat mittens scarf booties and blanket... Take her for a walk with your husband. Check her regularly to make sure she is warm. I loved my umbrella stroller best, but they have all those cool carseat combos, now.  
Enjoy!

[bluegummiebear]

Thank you and we have the car seat combo ... it is so convenient.

[Emily_MHModerator]

Let's remember that we are here to support, not judge or shame.  You can disagree with someone and do it respectfully.

Thanks!

Emily

[bluegummiebear]

May i ask to whom you are speaking ?

[bluegummiebear]

i would like to know what was said but it looks as if it has been deleted by a moderator!

[Ashelen]

It was simply someone who didn't read the whole story and made a misinformed comment that was quite rude. Don't worry about it for even another moment :)

[Ashelen]

OH excuse me that's not the comment I was thinking of. Emily was probably referring to the conversation in general, if I had to guess.

[mami1323]

I don't think there is much more to add here.  RockRose and Specialmom have very good insight into what they are saying.  Relationships are hard, factor in being young, not experienced in communication, a new baby, financial difficulties and you have a much more difficult situation.  They want your marriage to work, they are giving you tips on how that relationship can benefit and grow.  I am 33 and still have a tough time communicating with my son's father.  When we had a baby at 30, we struggled a lot.  Women tend to take on the brunt of all the childrearing and when we do, we get exhausted and frustrated.  I tend to bottle it up and then lash out when I've completely felt overwhelmed.  That is not an effective thing to do.  Sex was and is an issue in our relationship as well.  We've fought over it but eventually got to a common ground and we both had to work to get there.  Counseling is a great option and I highly recommend it.  Good luck to you both.

[bluegummiebear]

thank you for you post and you input ... my husband just seems to think that he can go to work and thats it ... i believe he thinks that i am to do everything else ... that doesn't always happen because i have gotten to the point that i will just let things go until he decides "well maybe i should do some dishes or some clothes" I am raising my daughter ... i am the one who takes care of her almost all of the time but i do try to clean once in a while.

[mami1323]

My son is 3 years old and I STILL do the majority of the work.  Once in a blue moon he will give him a bath for me.  But it's really me.  Granted he works strange hours so I'm home with our son most of the time but it's tiring.  Especially when you thought you would be doing it together.  Here is a recent argument: I work part time and when I'm home, I'm with our son.  He finally was home early from work one night.  He is laying on the couch (his usual spot), I am beat, I worked that day.  I lay down next to him after cooking dinner, serving our son and it was his bedtime.  I say to my fiance "can you put him to bed?", no joke this is his answer "Ugh, this is the first time I get home early, can I just relax?"  I swear I became the exorcist where my head started spinning.  I said "well since you are home early I thought you could for once help me"....like this gives him a free pass to do nothing.  I then said as I get up to put our son to sleep "gee relaxation must feel nice, don't know what that's like".  Just know, you are not alone.