Aa
Husband
I have been with my husband for 21 yrs married 18 yrs and for the past few months it has been unbearable to be with him, my husband can't do anything for himself, I feel like I'm his live in care taker not his wife, but if I want his help on anything he will have our kids do it he will not help me with anything, but he expects me to do everything for him, he has gotten lazy or the years, so he goes from the couch to his computer all day if he has no work, my husband is self employed and he likes it when I work with him so needless to say we're together 24/7 so I can help him but get nothing in return. He can get whatever he wants but when I need or want something I have to wait. Why haven't I said anything to my husband he has a bit of a temper so over the years we have been together I just keep my mouth shut to keep piece, but right now it is bothering me so bad that I feel like I want to leave him, but I have know where's to go. Plus here is the other problem we don't do anything as a family were always home doing nothing, he just lays around. I just don't know what to do.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hon, I'm going to say something for you to think about. How did you contribute to the way your husband treats you? I hate to say it---- but you allowed the paremeters of your marriage to exist. You did everything and for nothing in return? Who allowed that early on? Who never demanded to be treated better early on? That is you.
Please do not take offense to this. But this is a learning lesson for younger woman who read this to know that you often have the exact husband that you allow them to be. If you do not start a precedence early on in the relationship--- patterns establish. I said to my husband after 2 months of marriage when I noticed that I was working full time as he was but still spending my weekends cleaning and running household errands--- I said, no. This does not work for me because it isn't fair. Here is what YOU are going to do this weekend for the house and here is what I am going to do. My husband had friends that went out and partied. I said "husband, you are now married. I expect you home most nights and if you have an occasional night out with the guys, you have to be home by midnight. I don't want to lay awake worrying about you." Call me the b word but I set up reasonable boundaries with him right from the beginning. I have girfriends that have been married many years that still fight about things or stay silent and resent their husband (like you).
So, I just encourage that we learn that we aren't always victems in the life we have and our relationships.
I don't know what to tell you. You'll have to decide how bad it is and act accordingly. good luck--- oh, and a counselor on your own is also a good option to help clarify where you are at in life.
Please do not take offense to this. But this is a learning lesson for younger woman who read this to know that you often have the exact husband that you allow them to be. If you do not start a precedence early on in the relationship--- patterns establish. I said to my husband after 2 months of marriage when I noticed that I was working full time as he was but still spending my weekends cleaning and running household errands--- I said, no. This does not work for me because it isn't fair. Here is what YOU are going to do this weekend for the house and here is what I am going to do. My husband had friends that went out and partied. I said "husband, you are now married. I expect you home most nights and if you have an occasional night out with the guys, you have to be home by midnight. I don't want to lay awake worrying about you." Call me the b word but I set up reasonable boundaries with him right from the beginning. I have girfriends that have been married many years that still fight about things or stay silent and resent their husband (like you).
So, I just encourage that we learn that we aren't always victems in the life we have and our relationships.
I don't know what to tell you. You'll have to decide how bad it is and act accordingly. good luck--- oh, and a counselor on your own is also a good option to help clarify where you are at in life.
If your husband thinks nothing is wrong, show him whats wrong. Tell him how you feel, but in the mean time, if you're really serious about leaving, start laying the ground plans for your exit. Call around and get details on help that may be available to you, speak to a counselor for your own sanity, and prepare to just get out. Bottomless threats are like a bottomless promise.
Again, show him whats wrong and tell him exactly how it makes you feel. Let him spew his standpoint and move forward from there.
Same goes for your kids. It sounds as if your eldest picked up the attitude that "a womans place is in the kitchen". If you don't start dispelling that myth, you'll have a lot more to deal with. Sit the whole group down and tell them changes are going to be made, or some real changes will be made. Just be willing to follow through.
Again, show him whats wrong and tell him exactly how it makes you feel. Let him spew his standpoint and move forward from there.
Same goes for your kids. It sounds as if your eldest picked up the attitude that "a womans place is in the kitchen". If you don't start dispelling that myth, you'll have a lot more to deal with. Sit the whole group down and tell them changes are going to be made, or some real changes will be made. Just be willing to follow through.
Yes I have talked to him and all I get is I will try harder, well he never even tried. And I have mention marriage counselor , and I get what for there is nothing wrong. Don't get me wrong I do love my husband but I just want a little in return, he gets everything, I do everything for him, and all I want is some appreciation. We have three children and my son treats me like crap and expects me to do everything for him, and I tell him your 18 now do it yourself, and his answer is why dad has you doing everything so you can for me. Like I said just a little respect and appreciation would be nice.
He needs to pull his weight and get off his bum and do something and help.The more this behaviour continues the harder it will be for him to do something about it.He,s getting everything done for him and he loves it.Lay down the law to him,he needs to make a contribution to you and the family.All the best.
Have you talked with him about it, or maybe you two can try going to a marriage counselor before making that decision
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. Well, you have been together a long time now and I guess this has been building inside of you. I think marriage can be hard work and a spouse can drive us nuts if we let them. Sometimes we get to a place of no return and I don't know if you are there yet-------- but you can always try to save this, right?
Would it help for you to get employment elsewhere rather than working with him? I think it would personally. You'd not be together so much which would help, you'd be more equal in the home and you'd also be putting yourself in a less vulnerable position. Having your own job independent of him gives you the benefit of your own income should you need it. So, is this an option for you? You could also start course work to help with a job. Again, you'd be out of the house more and working on something to help you out financially.
Now, energy level is a funny thing. I've known couples that have different energy levels. My good friend is a 'busy bee' and is always doing something. She can't understand why on a Sat. afternoon her husband wants to literally lay on the couch! She gets frustrated. Finally, she is starting to understand this is his definition of 'down time' and he is entitled to that. We kind of have to understand some of these things about our partner and not hate them for it.
Now, family things are important and I'd just schedule them occasionally and tell him it would mean a lot for him to do it with you. Hopefully he will.
And household chores----- well, somewhere down the line, you decided it was easier to say nothing that to make things fair. This is the end result of that---- you resent him for it. But one must also take some blame in that. If you chose to stay with a man you had to walk on egg shells around, you must take some of the blame for the situation.
So, if in your heart, you want to work on this----- try to speak up more during "good times" and do it in such a way as to try not to make him defensive. Make I statements rather than you statements. Try to find work outside of the home, away from him or do some job training. Then you are in a better position if you do decide you want to leave.
If his temper problem includes any type of physical abuse, then that is a deal breaker. good luck
Would it help for you to get employment elsewhere rather than working with him? I think it would personally. You'd not be together so much which would help, you'd be more equal in the home and you'd also be putting yourself in a less vulnerable position. Having your own job independent of him gives you the benefit of your own income should you need it. So, is this an option for you? You could also start course work to help with a job. Again, you'd be out of the house more and working on something to help you out financially.
Now, energy level is a funny thing. I've known couples that have different energy levels. My good friend is a 'busy bee' and is always doing something. She can't understand why on a Sat. afternoon her husband wants to literally lay on the couch! She gets frustrated. Finally, she is starting to understand this is his definition of 'down time' and he is entitled to that. We kind of have to understand some of these things about our partner and not hate them for it.
Now, family things are important and I'd just schedule them occasionally and tell him it would mean a lot for him to do it with you. Hopefully he will.
And household chores----- well, somewhere down the line, you decided it was easier to say nothing that to make things fair. This is the end result of that---- you resent him for it. But one must also take some blame in that. If you chose to stay with a man you had to walk on egg shells around, you must take some of the blame for the situation.
So, if in your heart, you want to work on this----- try to speak up more during "good times" and do it in such a way as to try not to make him defensive. Make I statements rather than you statements. Try to find work outside of the home, away from him or do some job training. Then you are in a better position if you do decide you want to leave.
If his temper problem includes any type of physical abuse, then that is a deal breaker. good luck
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