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I Made a Huge Mistake

I married my husband a month after the birth of our baby daughter. She is 9 months old now, and I am so unhappy in our relationship. We are not on the same intellectual level, we don't share the same values or interests, and I am not sexually attracted to him. I met someone else about 6 months ago, and everything is different with him. We didn't start out liking each other. I met him while walking my dog. He lived in the same apartment complex as us, and we started talking about Game of Thrones. Our pasts are similar, our sense of humor, and we both play music and sing. Things have developed, and I actually care for him, in a completely different way than the way I care about my husband. I want to get out and start over. I should never have married because of the baby, and I'm sure that it was only her that made me say "Yes." I know it's foolish to throw everything I have away for another man, but I can't help wanting to. I need a dose of reality, but I don't want one. I feel so irrational and selfish, and stupid, and I hate it, but I'm in love with someone else.
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3149845 tn?1506627771
Thank you! Absolutely well put!!!
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Okay, so you want a dose of reality.  I can oblige.  The truth is that this new man is of low low character.  He sees a MOTHER, a WIFE and begins flirting with her.  That is pretty crummy in terms of good characteristics on someone.  He has loose morals and doesn't see boundaries with people.  That is a problem, believe me.   I could never respect a man like that.

And statistically, any relationship with him is actually doomed.  Why?  Because he knows the truth about you.  That you will cheat.  That you have this capability in you.  And he will never feel fully secure with you.  This in the end, causes much distrust, many cracks in the foundation, and I wouldn't expect that relationship to go long term.

If you want out of a NEW marriage with a person that you created a child with, that is your option. Heck, the divorce rate in the US is staggering.  I don't personally fully get it as one of my goals was having kids with my forever partner (and that is how I view my husband).  So, you wouldn't be unusual to be divorced.  But going from one man straight to another is concerning.  It would indicate that you have a hard time being without a man and hence, you will lower your standards when finding one.  Not sure what happened the first time with the man you now want to divorce, but it's likely.

So, you need to try to do things the right way.  Leave your husband.  Get divorced.  Take a good long time to reflect on what your own contribution was to the failing of that marriage.  And then after a good long time, maybe date.  Although once you have kids, it is no longer just about you.  You're not a free agent. Bringing men in and out of your child's life is not wise.  

So, that's my dose of reality.  I wish you luck.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I get that you want out of your marriage, but why jump from your husband to this guy?  Does he (the other guy) feel like you do?  Is there any hope to salvage your marriage?  You got into a relationship with him (your husband), had his baby and just married him, so I am not understanding how all of the sudden this husband isn't the right one.  He must of done something right to draw you in.

"I feel so irrational and selfish, and stupid, and I hate it, but I'm in love with someone else."...............I doubt this is love.  In my opinion it is an escape.   You cannot just think about yourself; you have a child to think about as well.

If you really want out............get out of the marriage, but for heaven's sake don't go jumping directly into a relationship with this man.  Overlapping men is NEVER a great idea.  Be by yourself for a while.

How long have you been with your husband?

Helpful - 0
3149845 tn?1506627771
I would like to add that meeting OURSELVES is surly attractive but the goal of a marriage to to meet SOMEONE ELSE!
Helpful - 0
3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi, there is always some one better and the next one may have the added feature of great wealth, and the one after that may have the wealth and be 10 years younger than you when you are 50 and the next one.........
Bottom line is that your marriage is not about you but about him. There are personal qualities that hold marriages together and these qualities are honed by sacrifice, hard work and loving care.

Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
Generally speaking, when we are unhappy in one relationship and think another is ideal, most of the allure in the other relationship is because of the things that are wrong in the first one. In other words, there were potholes in the street of your life, and the interest of this guy fills those potholes and therefore he seems really perfect.  But if you didn't have a street full of potholes in the first place, you might find a totally different kind of guy attractive.  (Music and Game of Thrones are not enough to plan a new life on.)  You're unhappy in your marriage, be honest and get out of it.  But not to run to the arms of someone else.  Take a long cooling-off period where you meet a lot of new people and figure out who you are and what you want.  He (the second guy) will either not be as attractive after 6 months or a year of the exciting joys of being on your own, or else nothing will have changed and the two of you can start fresh.
Helpful - 0
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