I am deeply in love with another man

Dear readers,
I am so glad I found this forum and I hope some of you will be honest and kind to give me some pieces of advice in this desperate situation.
I have been married to my husband for about one year, we have been together for 4 years before that. He is the world's sweetest person, but I have never felt a strong sexual attraction towards him, neither have I ever felt "crazy" in love with him. But I am deeply fond of him and I praise him for being really good to me. We have a strong bond and are good partners, although I sometimes feels it's very practical. And he has always been the one who has been crazy about me, not the othe way.

Due to some changes in my life I have become aware of some things in our marriage that do not work properly and that I am not able to change. For example the fact that early in our relationship I came into a pattern of allowing him to have sex with me without me having actually desired this. This has lasted for all our relationship. We are also very different as persons; I am very free as an individual, creative and free-spirited and deeply passionate. He, on the other hand, is more tranquil and practical. Often I also feel that between us there is no "click".

Some months ago I met another man that blew my off my feet. I am a highly moral person and I never even considered looking at other men. Nevertheless, this person caught my attention and I have never ever felt so attracted to a person in my whole life. It was like everything was perfect; we fit like a hand in a glove in every way. He really makes me shine and he loves the deepest parts of me. I feel so relaxed and well with him. I am deeply in love with him and for the first time in my life I have found something that I instinctly fell that I want to be father of my children. Totally incredible. I want to make a life change and live with this other person. I would leave everything in this instant to live in total love with him for the rest of my days. It's like nothing else matters. But my husband is the world's sweetest and the last thing I want to do it hurt him. On the other hand I do not feel that I can really love him. Now I feel that I never really did... Because this new guy totallt woke me up and showed me what love is.
What can I do? I want all the best for my husband. But I want to be happy as well.
I appreciate your honest answers. Thank you so much.

[brice1967]

It sounds to me like you've all but "thrown in the towel" regarding your marriage.  That is sad on so many levels, but your happiness has to mean something to you.  If you aren't happy in your marriage, it is more than fair to be forthright with your husband and let him completely know what is going on.  

I'd just like to state that there are no givens.  You've got a good partner now, but what makes you so sure that this other guy is "the one"?  There are no guarantee's and I'd bet there are a few things that you don't know about this other guy.  It could be anything, and that one thing could be a deal breaker.  You go and give up this for that, and now what do you have?

I think you need to have a real good meeting with yourself.  I think you need to be totally honest and do a thorough "self inventory".  I think you need to weigh losing what you've currently got for something that potentially end leaving you with nothing.

A great place to start would be a good therapist.  Someone who specializes in couples therapy.  

[Londres70]

Absolutely Brice.  

You better think LONG and HARD about what you are doing BEFORE you do it and CAN'T change it.  

Any man who doesn't have any QUALMS with having a relationship with a MARRIED woman is a "red flag" in itself to me.  

Sounds like you and your husband weren't really compatible in the first place as far as marriage is concerned, however, I wouldn't recommend leaving him and moving in with this other guy instantly.  Don't see a problem if you separated from your husband BUT you should live ALONE and sort this out WITHOUT another man involved.  

Definitely talk with your husband FIRST about how you feel.  Before talking with him THOROUGHLY think about what you are going to say.  

[nicoletta131]

Thank you so much for your reply. In a way I think I do have "thrown in the towel" and that the excisting problems with my husband have come more to the surface after I have met this new guy. Sometimes regarding my husband I tell myself (also before I met my new love) "it isn't supposed to be this hard..." that is, communicating etc.
I know that my new love could give me some unpleasant surprises, but meeting him made me understand what love really is all about. And I feel really mature and ready to love him, if you know what I mean. Living thorougly in love, that is.
I have also considered going to a therapist. Will do it! Thank you again.

[nicoletta131]

Thank you Londres.
Yes, I also have thought about moving out and going somewhere on my own for a while. I need to know who I am and what I really want to do!
And yes, I will thoroughly think about what to tell my husband before I talk to him. Thank you for your reply.

[Londres70]

All the best dear.  

Keep us posted.

[specialmom]

Well, I will say that relationships that start out like the way you've started out with this other man are pretty much doomed.  Statistically, they don't make it.  This man will always have in the back of his mind that you are capable of cheating (which you are) and that the same thing could happen to him when you grow tired of sexually bored (as most long term relationships take work to keep the passion alive).  

Sadly, the option before looking for another man should have been to properly decide what to do about your marriage.  This would make you the bad guy.  I'm not trying to be harsh, but it is absolutely the wrong thing to do to pick out another partner before you've ended your marriage.  No sugar coating that.  This will be something that you'll have to live with either way----  leaving or staying.

We decide what to do with our current relationshp before moving on.  And if we do not, we have not done ANY of the work it takes to set ourselves up for a better relationship next time.  We're just relationship shopping/ jumping.  Most people never find true happiness that way.  

My suggestion to you is to cut off contact with the other man.  To then make a decision as to what you want to do with your current relationship.  If you want to stay and work, then start therapy.  If you see it as a lost cause because you CHOSE to marry a man you weren't sexually compatible with ----  then go through with the divorce and seek some counseling as to why you made that trade off and are now dissatisfied with it.  And don't date for a period of time to learn who you are WITHOUT a man.  

good luck

[brice1967]

I'd like to expend a little on the above, if I may.  Essentially you and your husband have been together for 5 years total.  I believe you mentioned that you were "never had a strong sexual feeling for him" and that "you never felt in love with him."  Not to sound rude, but if you didn't have those things, why did you marry?  Were you running from a bad situation?

Perhaps it is as simple as you and your husband are simply not compatible.  I imagine it happens.  I think you really need to look at the reasons why you are leaving your husband.  I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself. (I mentioned that above.)  

Do you just want out of your marriage?
What can this guy provide that your husband can't?  
You married for a reason... what was that reason?
What is happiness to you?
What is love to you?