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Avatar universal

I am so starved for love, but I finally had to do it.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of almost 2 years. I had to end it because I had truly fallen out of love, and part of me knows that we weren't right for each other from the beginining. She was really in the relationship for the long haul, but I was more their because I can't stand being alone. I have this innate fear of dying alone. Towards the end of the relationship I was misrable. Had nothing to say to her, had no interest in sex, and just wanted out, but as soon as I broke it off I wanted her back. Suddenly everything 180ed on me and I am so afraid of being alone and never finding somebody that I am comfortable with again.

Why am I like this? I never believe that people love me, I have always had a hard time hearing those words, even from family, because I have always felt unworthy of love. But why? I am an amazing person. I would give the shirt off my back to a stranger if they needed it. The only thing that makes me happy is helping people. I try so hard to make every person in my life and even people I don't know happy and comfortable, and yet I feel like I am a dissappointment to everyone including myself.

She treated me greated. She tried harder when I pushed her away. And now that its over, I am misrable. Can somebody tell me what the hell is wrong with me?
16 Responses
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203342 tn?1328737207
I don't know what could have happened in your past to make you so insecure and have such a low self-esteem, but try and concentrate on the good things and the future you have. You said you have a loving family. That's awesome! I think it's a good idea to talk to a good counselor too and explore why you feel the way you do. You could be depressed. That's something the counselor would hopefully pick up. You sound like you are very hard on yourself. I picked that up because I'm like that. I tend to beat myself up a lot. I struggle with being a perfectionist and I'm very hard on myself. But what happens when we're like that is we then become depressed and anxious because we're human and we WILL make mistakes. We can't be perfect. I may be way off here. I just thougtht I saw this in you since I myself tend to be this way. Again, a good counselor can help you work all this out. I wish you the best.
God bless.
Helpful - 0
212795 tn?1194952574
I also think you did the right thing by breaking up with her.  In addition, before you get into another situation like this one, you should really consider getting into counseling and exploring this stuff - because I believe it will come up again.

Its not a bad idea to come to the forum with your problem, and we all have our opinions.  You can take or leave the advice people post for you.  Don't get offended because someone saw you as selfish because nobody knows you - if it strikes a chord with you, why don't you look at why it bugs you so much?  Best of luck
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177641 tn?1189755837
One LAST thought that might be of *tremendous* help. Uphill, try journalling. Try writing these feelings down in a book where you can get them out in total privacy. Once you can relieve them enough to sort them out, they may sound more coherent if/when you decide to post on a forum like this. You would be really surprised at how helpful it is to sit down and be REALLY honest with yourself... whether it's angry, depressed, indifferent, etc. No one is there to judge you except you. Especially when your feelings are everywhere, and people think you're crazy for describing ten emotions at the same time.

Ok I'll stop now.  ;)
Helpful - 0
177641 tn?1189755837
One more thought, uphill. Have you ever thought about how the fear of being alone is actually *making* you alone? It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. "I'm scared that no one will love me, so I'm going to push away anyone who tries because I'm too afraid that they will leave me."

To beat a dead horse here, I think you came off as sounding self-centered because you did not mention what it was about the relationship that made you unhappy. It sounds like you might have wrote your post when you were fairly upset. It also seems like you're feeling pretty overwhelmed trying to sort through all this. This forum might seem judgmental sometimes, but you are the only one who chooses what to take from it. Certainly if you don't like what you hear, you don't have to take it away with you. Good luck :)
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Avatar universal
Thanks.
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Avatar universal

I'm sorry for the flack you got... you didn't deserve it. The fact is you did the right thing by breaking up with this girl. Your intentions are very good intentions. You knew it was the right thing to do.

Best of luck to you !
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
my comment about her being in it for the long haul, and me being afraid to be alone was described the end of the relationship. for a long time it was incredible, and i wanted it to go back to the way it was in the beginning, and i tried to force it because i was looking for that love that i was missing. like i said, i did a didn't explain this well, sorry if im contradicting myself, my feelings and emtions are just all over the place because of it. one minute i blame myself, the next her, the next its jus that we werent right for each other, etc. i know it probably doesn't make sense, and just look like a jerkoff. anyways, now i am officially done here.

thank you again for the advice, the good and bad. more importantly, anxiousmom im sorry, i would delete my reponse to you if i could. i do need to get over myself, but i do think you misunderstood my situation a bit, or atleast made some broad assumptions about who i am.

got stop rambling. im done. thanks, bye
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Avatar universal
when I ended it, I made it very very clear that it was about me and my bullshit. i had turned into a person that i didnt think she should be with anymore.

anyways, i think this was probably not a good issue to discuss on a forum. i think i did a poor job explaining the entire situation, and i guess some of what i have written has made me look selfish. and at points I admit i have been selfish. i appreciate the advice, and yeah, some of what has been said has been hard to hear. i don't want to get anymore bitter, or banter with anyone. im sorry for snapping back at aniousmomtobe. i guess i just wanted to get some stuff off my chest, and maybe this wasnt the right place for it. having someone tell me to get over myself when I already feel like a ******* just made me feel worse about the situation.

so again, thank you for the advice, most of what has been said, I can already see in myself, and hearing it from others helps me realize that I have some changes that i need to make. maybe we can leave it at that.
Helpful - 0
177641 tn?1189755837
You said this yourself, "She was really in the relationship for the long haul, but I was more their because I can't stand being alone."

That IS selfish. You knew that she was serious about being with you, and you knew that you were there only to settle your insecurities. Staying to "not hurt her" is not a good reason to stay in a relationship. You have hurt her more by pretending to want her, and then revealing that all along you never really wanted to be there. Stop contradicting yourself with "it kills me to see her cry, unhappy, in any pain." If it really did then you would not have left or been so unhappy with her. Be clear on that please.

You are not happy now because the relationship was NOT the problem. The problem is within you and your ability to be happy and secure with yourself. anxiousmomtobe may have put it more bluntly than you were ready to hear, but in line with what the other posters said, take the advice with a grain of salt. If that's how somebody interpretted your post, then maybe think about how maybe you DO sound self-centered sometimes. It doesn't mean you're a bad person; it just means you've got a few things to sort out. It sounds to me like you've got a lot of fear inside that a relationship will not solve. Seriously consider seeing a GOOD counsellor for a while to help get yourself realigned and back on track, so to speak. And think about telling your girlfriend that this is more about you and not about her being an unattractive person. Good luck!
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Avatar universal

We've all been selfish in relationships --- all of us. And fear is a powerful motivator. This poster and his ex-girlfriend.... both deserve to be happy. If this poster seeks help, then he can get to the root of his fear and hopefully... have an honest, healthy relationship the next time around.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
ps...i have read some of your post throughout this forum. i suggest you get a hobby, sitting online and passing judgement on people at any chance you get isn't going to help anyone. i was under the impression that this site was set up for geniune people looking for support or to offer support and useful advice.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
thanks for the insight. you all make a lot of sense, except momtobe. i didnt string her along, if anything I stayed in the relationship with her because I was afriad to hurt her. i treated her like a queen throughout the whole relationship, better than she treated me. i WORKED to make things work with us...i sometimes tried to be something I wasn't to satisfy her. at time we were both just forcing the relationship.

you are going to call me narcasisstic and selfcentered for thinking I am a good human being....sounds like you have some problems of your own. you took the one thing out of my entire post that you could twist around to give me **** about. try and get that chip off your shoulder, maybe you need some counseling of your own. I never strung her along, I was unhappy, and wanted out, but was afraid to hurt her because I kills me to see her cry, be unhappy, in any pain. screw you for manipulating what i said to insult me.
Helpful - 0
164559 tn?1233708018
Personally, I think you need to get over yourself.  You basically strung this girl along, long after you had lost interest because you didn't want to be alone.  That is selfish, a relationship is supposed to be about being there for the other person.  So you think you are "an amazing person" that seems incredibly narcasisstic and self-centered to me.

You definitely need counselling.
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Avatar universal

I agree with the other posters'. I also think that before you begin another relationship, you need to be convinced that you are good enough and that you deserve it ! Once you get to the root of the problem and fix everything --- then you will be able to give your next girlfriend what she needs and also be able to receive it. You deserve it !

Best of luck to you !
Helpful - 0
212795 tn?1194952574
I think you should consider getting into counseling.  I think it will help shed some light for you, and you can really explore the underlying causes for the way you are acting in these relationships.  I don't know why you don't believe they love you, but I think you may have had some bad experiences in your past and possibly low self esteem.  Counseling can really help you make sense of this problem.  Best wishes
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167 tn?1374173817
Maybe the problem is that you're living to please others and not yourself. So then you subconsciously resent them and want out. Try to do things for yourself and find what makes you happy. Co-dependency could be the issue. I think to find true happiness you need to be at peace with who you are and learn to be happy yourself first and foremost. You should never NEED someone. You should want them as a special extra in your life, someone who compliments your life but not because you don't want to be alone. That is not love.
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