I cheated and hate myself for it

[jameslk]

To anyone reading,
I need help. I'm absolutely ashamed of myself. I cheated on my wife recently. I met up with a family friend who has been flirtatious in the past, and we ended up having sex. It lasted no more than 5 minutes out of me realizing what I was doing and made myself stop. I've been a wreck ever since. I can't believe what I've done. I've never done anything like this to anyone, ever. I don't know what came over me, my wife means the world to me and I can't stand the thought of seeing her in pain after I tell her what I've done.
Which is why I am leaning towards not telling her, it would destroy her and our marriage would be over.

I know what I did was beyond wrong, all I want is for things to be normal again, I can honestly say that I'll never do something like this again. I've been up every night sick to my stomach because of what I've done. Is not telling her given this instance the right thing to do? Would it be selfish to unload all this guilt on her?
The individual I cheated with is also a family friend and her reputation is at stake too. I've really screwed up here.
I'm sorry.

I've currently undergone testing for all STD's, out of paranoia and fear. I would tell her if I contracted something, I'm also checking myself in to therapy, as I've felt for a long time that something isn't right with me. Am I wrong for keeping all this from her? I know this might sound like BS to you, but all I want to do is fix things without hurting her, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. So please believe me. Please.

Any advice is welcome.
Thank you.

James

[perch101]

Cherrykery - you've posted on an old post... the original poster is long gone!

[Cherrykery]

Personally, I've been in this situation before. I cheated on one of my ex's and sworn to myself it wouldn't happen again. Wrong. If you do something like that and get away with it you are more than likely tempted to do it again. I was for 1 and a half years before i told him we couldn't be together anymore because I didn't feel the same. Nearly 2 years later I still miss him. Ao, tell her. You don't want to guilt to overcome you and everynight you think about if the other person will say something, it's a horrible feeling. Tell her and good luck xx

[megochick101]

I know you said you do not want any more opinions but I wanted to add mine(sorry). Just the fact that you feel remorse and that you have realized how big of a mistake you have made, and that you are seeking help for it is very commendable. As you are trying to make yourself into a better person, and a better spouse, I hope for both you and your wife's sake that she doesn't find out, unless you decide to tell her one day. You have to do what you think will be the best decision for you and your wife.

If my husband cheated on me, I honestly do not know what I would want. I don't think I would ever be able to trust him again and i love him and I do not want my entire life turned upside down, and i do not want my children to know and to go through all that heartache. However if my husband had ever cheated on me and then someone else told me and he wasn't the one to tell me himself, yes either way I'd be in a lot of pain and either way I wouldn't trust my husband at all, and either way I'd lose all respect for him and would probably completely lose my self esteem, BUT If I found out that my husband cheated on me through someone else, would be like adding a kick in the face on top of all the other pain I'd feel. If I found out from someone else, I think I would never be able to stay with him, because if he didn't have enough respect, love, guilt or remorse for what he'd done to confess to me, and he felt it would be better to just lie to me and not even show remorse or guilt for his actions, then obviously there is no point staying with him after that. At least if he told me himself I would know that he does feel remorse, and I would know that he does feel guilty and he realizes how wrong what he did was and that he respects me enough and loves me enough to be honest with me even knowing that there is a huge risk that our marriage would be over and that I would be out that door in the blink of an eye. Of course I doubt all that appreciation of the truth would sink in with me until(and if) we could work through all of it and put it behind us.

So either way you go, telling or not telling, there will be consequences and there will be hurt, so you are the only person who can decide which way is going to be the best for her and you. I wish you luck.

[Judy246]

I'm pretty straight forward with no apologies and I applaud your awareness and having the guts to post it and accept all the responses.I do wish you luck in life and we are here if you want an honest, straightforward opinion. Good Luck, Judy

[jameslk]

The family friend explicitly said that if I chose to tell my wife about this that she wants her name left out of it. She wants nothing to do with it and realizes that it was just as much a mistake on her part as it was mine. We haven't spoken since the incident and to be honest I don't think we ever will again.

[mami1323]

The trust will be broken if he tells her just as much if she finds out.  He cheated, therefore, no trust.  I highly doubt the family friend would tell for fear of hurting others in all of this.

[143Lucky]

I think it would be better to tell your wife the truth.. Being honest with your wife is part of marriage. I know it will hurt but if you realize your mistake and help your wife to understand what happend then she probably will thank you for being honest. It's better for you to tell her before that family friend chick ends up telling your wife. And its not good coming from another person's mouth when she finds out. Your wife will lose that trust in you. So if you appreciate the trust in your marriage then you go ahead and be a bigger person by confronting your mistake. And tell her that you love her. Good luck. Everyone makes mistakes

[mami1323]

You are very welcome, I'm glad to have helped you make a decision.  People don't always agree on the decisions they think a person should make.  Ultimately, you will do what you think is best for you and your family.  Continue with the therapy and do your best to make things up to your wife.  Good luck.

[dawnangela]

Well James you put this up on a forum and you will find everyone does have different opinions on things, im quite sure you would of known this..But i wish you the best of luck in what ever you decide to do then..

[coolas]

No, a family friend doesn't make it better - what a silly notion!  But, a family friend who is most likely married herself wouldn't be in the high risk category for an std..(yes, of course it's 'possible'), but to keep bringing up the possibility of an std.. I think it's more likely that the wife could find out from another source rather than she finds out through having an std, but of course this is just my opinion.  

[jameslk]

I don't mean to offend anyone here but I think I'd  like to be left alone now. I didn't intend to elicit such harsh arguments. I made a mistake and I am dealing with the consequences myself. I am now seeing a weekly counselor to work out my issues, this situation I put myself in wasn't one of lust, it has been a long brewing very deep and personal issue that I now wish I would have confronted sooner. I wasn't even attracted physically to this other person, that's how messed up this is.
I know many of you may not believe me and that's fine, I have always hated men that have cheated, it's the reason my parents split when I was younger, not placing blame, I'm just saying, you can't imagine the shame I feel.
To all of you that have been supportive, especially Mami1323, thank you, it has made me feel that maybe I can do this on my own. To everyone that has been brutally honest with me, thank you, I needed to hear/read it, particularly Judy246. You've all been beyond helpful.

This is without a doubt the worst thing I have ever done in my life and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for it, even if my wife would for some reason, lord knows she deserves better, way better. You were all right, the stress and anxiety is almost unbearable and has begun taking a toll on me, I haven't been able to sleep well or eat all that much. Again, not trying to play sympathy, believe me, I don't deserve any. I went and got tested for all STD's, and tested negative on all fronts. I wouldn't in a million years do something so horrific as to pass along an STD to my wife, I have kept from being intimate with her. I don't know if I can be at this point in time, I feel filthy.

There are several things I don't think the folks here realize though.
This is a very important year for my wife, career wise. She needs to focus and give it her all, telling her about this horrible mistake would completely ruin this amazing opportunity she has been given. Say what you will say about me making excuses I don't care. She means more to me than anything in the world, regardless if this action would appear otherwise.
Another thing is that the "individual's" family is very close to mine, the wedge that would be driven in the relationship between my family and her's would be enormous, I cannot do that, I will not do that to them.
If the time comes and my wife somehow discovers what happened then so be it. I did the best I could and I don't care what any of you think, you don't know me, I truly did my best to be a good husband, I did. I know that I'm what's wrong in this relationship, and I'm now trying to fix that, without my wife getting hurt.
Thank you again everyone.


james

[Lucey12]

I cant believe so many people are saying not to tell. Its more than one person involved here.... TELL HER!!!! If I found out from someone else that ,y husband cheated on me, Id be devastated that he cant tell me himself when he makes a mistake. Lieing is almost worse than cheating, you cant be trusted after you lie. If you tell her everything and go to a counselor and she sees your guilt every day, you might be able to save this.

I pray you tell her, get her a counselor, get her support and help, do it together and build your trust back WITH her.

[penswriter]

and a family friend makes it better? and everyday people have std's as well...not just hookers. it's not limited to those who get paid for sex. and not all hookers have std's. it's very rude to think only hookers have them.

[coolas]

I'm not sure withholding the truth in a situation like this is 'sneaky'; he's protecting his wife from his moment of idiocy.  Actually, it would be far easier in some ways to just confess, rather than live with this secret, but yes, ignorance can be bliss and if the husband is sincerely remorseful, why open up a can of worms?  And I think all this talk of an std.. It was family friend, not a hooker.

A-

[specialmom]

I would not want to know----  especially if my husband spent the rest of his life making it up to me!!

[penswriter]

i would rather my husband tell me than find out from a stranger...or worse get an std. i think i'd be less mad if he just told me. being sneaky and hiding it would push me over the edge and i would divorce him.

[mami1323]

I agree 100% I would not want to know either.  If my husband realized that he made a mistake and spent the rest of his life making it up to me by treating me good and never cheating on me again, then I would rather live with my husband in happiness.  He learned from his mistake even without his wife finding out.  Good enough for me.

[coolas]

I agree - no point in telling her if it is a one-time mistake that won't be repeated.  Cheaters do not always gets found out and sometimes, ignorance is bliss.  I know that if I was in her position, I would prefer not to know.

A-

[mami1323]

I have to agree with dawnangela on this one.  I said it above, it's going to destroy his wife's life.  She loves this man and sometimes ignorance is bliss.  If he knows he made a mistake and won't do it again than what's the point in ruining everything?  I understand that he did this and he should have to pay with the consequences and if that means losing his wife over it than so be it but it's not as simple as that.  His wife will suffer for it and it's not just oh she will divorce him, she will have her world turned upside down, she will pay for it even if she leaves him because she will never trust another man again.  I just don't think it's necessary.  If she were to find out in another way, the result would be the same.  Yes, she would be upset that he didn't come clean but either way, she would feel the pain.

[dawnangela]

his conscience is going to eat him alive knowing what he's done to his wife.

              
Not necessarily..He can move on, he has to live with it yes, but he can also forget it even happened if the other woman is willing to do the same..

and when she finds out by getting an std.. This might not even happen, and if it does he has said he will say..

the one who is cheated on ALWAYS finds out. No not always, Millions of ppl would be shocked to know they are being cheated on, happens all the time..

either way her life is going to be turned upside down by his ignorance and stupidity..  No not if she and he both know it was one mistake and end it now and both keep their mouths shut and never see each other again..

[penswriter]

and when she finds out by getting an std or the other woman blabbing to everyone is going to be better? she WILL find out. the one who is cheated on ALWAYS finds out. sooner or later. is it going to be better for him to conceal this from his wife and when she DOES find out ....ohhh boy. that will just be worse. either way her life is going to be turned upside down by his ignorance and stupidity. HE has to live with the consequences of his actions. hiding them b/c he "promises not to do it again" doesn't erase the fact HE CHEATED on his wife. "forgetting" about it does not eliminate the fact that he did it. no amount of therapy and tears on his part is going to nulify that. his conscience is going to eat him alive knowing what he's done to his wife.

[dawnangela]

By telling is only going to clear his conscience and turn his wife's life upside down. I believe it would be selfish of him to do this, he done it he has to live with it not her.But he has to make this decision on his own to do what is best for him and his wife yes. So best of luck with it..

[Judy246]

Love is not doing it in the first place and he made a mistake and has repented and it's understandable that we are all human and are and will be prone to error. It's time for him to do what is best for the relationship and it's his decision and conscience. I'm sure he has learned a valueable lesson to never hurt the person that truly loves you and do what he think is best.

[dawnangela]

I say keep your mouth shut. You have said you will never do it again, your seeking help why put her through pain..I think it is something you will just have to live with each day now and it wont be pleasant it is the burden you will have to carry but she shouldn't have too. Not to put her through it is what i call love. Your one mistake does not mean you dont love your wife..NO dont Tell.