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I do not love my husband anymore
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I do not love my husband anymore

i am an asian married for 2 years and i fell out of love with my husband. we were together for 4 years before a i walk out of his life. we reconcile and married after 2 years of separations. we reconcile due to comfort and convenience. when he proposed, it was in the heat of the moment tat i said yes. we had several huge arguments within this 2 year of marriage, one resulting in me trying to commit suicide. i was unable to do it bcoz of the thots of my family. we have totally different lifestyle, he's a homely man where as i am a very out going person. i have tried hard to make the marriage work but i am unable to love him anymore. i do not hate him, but i don love him. i am caring out of guilt since i am married to him. i have found his constant probing anoying and i know he has been hacking into my computer to look at my stuffs. should i leave him?
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15 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn

He hacks into your computer ? Obviously this man does not trust you and lack of trust in a marriage isn't good. What is worse is a loveless marriage. IMO... if you are 100% that you do not love this man anymore then you either try to get the love back or leave him. Only you know the circumstances, but if he hacks into your computer, the relationship doesn't sound good at all.

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Avatar_n_tn
about his man hacking the computer is but about instinct. since X_Z doesn't love him anymore, he might felt it and has doubt whether X_Z has another man... and i do believe is reasonable enough to probe to confirm his doubt. (which i believe u women would do if u doubt ur spouse has somebody else on hand).

and for X_Z, you might as well tell him about ur laxity and let him also decide as well.  it only hurts u both since u have no affection for him anymore.  if you are having difficulty in this relationship, he is likewise having it too (in a way of his probing and computer hacking).

communication is very essential to relationship.  getting out of this relationship is also a two-party decision.

but in the end, ending ur relationship is the best way to do...

good luck.
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164559_tn?1233711618
I think you should leave.  I do not agree with oto that is was acceptalbe for your husband to hack into your computer.  That is an invasion of privacy.  If he had doubts, he should have asked you about them.  In my experience only crazy jealous people sneak around breaking into people's computers.
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13167_tn?1327197724
Why would you not leave?  Is there any reason at all to stay in this marriage?  At this point,  you are miserable to the point of suicide and your lack of love for him is driving him to distraction and causing him to believe you are having affairs.

Is there any reason to stay?  I would think a divorce would be a great relief to both of you.
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Avatar_n_tn
what i meant is that he was just acting like that because he is paranoid of the situation.

and also for the record, i did not say that is "acceptable" in any way... it has been his way of conforming his doubts. (which anybody would do also).

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164559_tn?1233711618
I would never resort to a criminal act to help with any doubts I was having in a relationship.  

Asking point blank always gives you the answers you need.
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Avatar_n_tn
rockrose - i am living in an asian society and my parents are typical asian tat do not c divorce as an acceptable solution. i will bring shame to my family.

we hav spoke of trust and communication, i hav confronted him of his distrust, his reasonin was i did not gain his trust. i am an executive and i do a lot of entertaiment. like i say, he is homely whereas i prefer to go out. it drives me nuts staying at home. i value my privacy alot. i myself do not check him mobile or his laptop. he is constantly suspicious of me. The are no 3rd party or affair, on myside anyway. i am seriously thinking of suicide. i dunno how am i suppose to face my family. sigh.
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13167_tn?1327197724
X_Z - you haven't really explored any good options here.  Suicide is stupid,  and you seem very bound to your community and family and so are unwilling to consider divorce.  

The other obvious option is to treat him as if you like him,  and see where it goes from there.  Besides the fact that he is less extroverted than you,  and now is seeking to find out whether you are cheating on him because of your loveless behavior,  you don't really describe a man who is unloveable.  You picked him - there must have been something there at the beginning.

I strongly believe that marriage can work between virtually any man and woman,  as long as they are both good people.    It's all in your attitude.  Your culture has the attitude that you stay married for a lifetime - why don't you actually take that to heart,  and treat him with love,  and see what happens.    You are only taking their caveat against divorce to heart,  not their cultural belief that you should treat your spouse with respect and caring.  That's the root of it.

Take two weeks.  Treat him as if you loved him,  which you vowed to do.  Just be nice!  I think it might turn your world around.

Best wishes.
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154929_tn?1196191338
You said your society shuns divorce--I beleive they shun suicide even more--if you are that close to your family a suicide would put more shame on them than a divorce.  You need to seek a counseler together to see what if anything is left to your relationship.  If there are no feelings of love and togetherness on boht your parts the best tact would be to sepereate and divorce.  If you are an executive as you say--you have the means and the opportunity to support yourself and develope a new life....
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Avatar_n_tn
suicide is avery selfish act and is not fair to anyone !
you are a wesernized asian trying to battle family traditions with the life you want to lead . i know its hard to juggle both .
life is short and is hard to live unhappy , you need to leave him shame or not, your life is yours not his OR your familys. and i would rather be happy alone than waste my life unhappy . your family is a different issue  they do not support devorse but you need to talk to them and tell them how low you are .would they rather a single daughter or a dead one ?
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Avatar_f_tn
I have two questions:

1.  Did you mean that he is a homely man, as in he's ugly, or is he a man who likes to hang out at home, a homebody?


2.  What is a wesernized asian?  
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Avatar_n_tn
sory i meant westernized ! it is asian person living in the west with western traditions  rarther than asian  .
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Avatar_n_tn
I am too Asian and come from a very strict family that does not accept divorces, but sucide is not the way to go.. I'm pretty sure if you sit your husband down and tell him everything and about how you feel, I'm pretty sure he would understand because no one wants to be in a loveless marraige.  You have to be fair to yourself and for your husband.  Do you have any kids?  Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck.
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191716_tn?1217243363
Do what your heart tells you to don't think about others, they are not the one who's living your life you're, being an asian myself I know how you feel you'll bring shame to your family, once you're a divorcee, don't ever think of suicide be strong and positive, all the best...
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Avatar_n_tn
I know excatly how you feel!!! It is like seeing my own situation right in front of me. The only difference is that I am considering very seriously about divorce right now. I am too an Asian, but my parents do support me in getting a divorce if it were absolutely neccessary and have never told me that it will bring shame to the family. I think that you need to communicate with your parents and tell them how miserable you are and that we women now have the freedom of choice and are not bounded by rules and tradditions anymore. I am sure they will understand if you sincerely told them that you truly need their support. As for others, they do not have a right to point their fingers at you or tell you what to do. Committing suicide is an even worst idea....why should you sacrifice your own life and take your enjoyment of life away while you could just make things go your way? It is not worth it to just throw your life away, it is like running away and never solve the problems in your life, which is a very cowardly and selfish act. If you committed suicide, you would be pushing your guilt to someone else and let your family suffer. There are still people in this world who need you and so many things to explore!!!
I am also a very outgoing person and I absolutely hate it when my husband just wants to stay at home and watch TV....it drives me crazy!!! It feels like as if something is missing in my relationship with him and I think it is time for me to get out. I still want to find that someone who understands and respect me in such a way that I can tolerate lots of differences. I still deserve the right to be happy at some point and find my prince charming. Although I may not find the one, there is still hope for me and I am not gonna let it go without trying.
I do wish you good luck and hope that you will make the right decisions for yourself.
-Ifeelyourpain-
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373034_tn?1204157628
To the above comment that women are not bound by rules and traditions anymore, that may be true in the sense that we make our own decisions and work, vote and carry on our own lives.  However, if you are immature enough to think that means doing whatever you want no matter who else gets hurt because they are not you then you should get some serious help.  When a women chooses her spouce she has taken a responsibility to help him have the best and happiest life she can.  I understand that is not always easy.  This man is not beating her or abusing her.  She wants to run around and he does not.  They need to reach a comprimise like adults.  That is what marriage is about.  No two people are ever going to agree about everything.  

I am not asian, however divorce should never be looked at as an acceptable thing just because somebody isn't happy.  That person needs to be an adult and approach their marriage as a job.  Fix it if it is breaking.  Grow up and take responsibility for your choice in a spouce and try to be happy together.  There is a comprimise somewhere.  

About the computer, why on earth did he have to "hack" into your computer?  Why are you so private from him if there is nothing to hide?  My fiance and I don't hide things from eachother and don't ever feel the need to snoop on eachother.  If you know he is the jealous type then don't be so flippin private that he resorts to snooping.  Open up a bit.  I would say that if you were offering him a bit more information about yourself he wouldn't feel the need to snoop.  

About him wanting to stay home, can't you see any part of the compliment in that?  He loves you, enough to want to share a home, marriage and life with you.  He doesn't want to go out and share his time with you yet.  He wants to love you in the home he has with you.  That is a compliment that a lot of women don't recieve.  Obviously you are fun enough that he doesn't need outside stimulation.  When you do want to go out, make it fun for him too.  Executives do need to do a bit of entertaining, but are you forgetting about him when you are with clients?  Treat him like a client some time.  He will probably enjoy going out a bit more if you do.  Your clients will probably respect you more for it as well.  

Sorry to have gone on so long, I just felt strongly that you aren't trying hard enough to make your marriage work.  My personal opinion is very strong that marriage is forever.  If your husband was beating you or otherwise abusing you it may be different.  Give it a good try and I think you will be very happy.  Good luck to you.
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377135_tn?1200325077
It's too easy to get a divorce now days.  Couples don't work through their problems because they don't have to.  

You don't "fall out of love" with someone,  at least not as easy as you would change your socks.   It sounds like a circle of mis-trust.  He is intimidated by your outgoing nature and just assumes that you are cheating on him, so he checks up on you in his on "wrong" way.  Then you are angry and don't trust him anymore either.  It is a continuous circle of mis-trust that left untreated will end in another divorce.  So get counseling if you still want to.

Donald
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi there, you cannot leave him just b'coz he hacks into your computer. If he hacks into your computer, then you shoould also hack into his computer. Ok I am sorry, jokes apart. He probably is hacking into your computer because he is probably too pocessive about you. He loves you very much. You should atleast be happy that he is only hacking on to your computer & not on your mobile phone. I am sure he is not checking out the sms rec'd by you on ur mobile phone, & the incoming & outgoing calls rec'd and made by u.

If itz mainly computer hacking part that is making u frustrated, then I have a suggestion, walk down to the store, get ur urself a laptop & have it password protected & when ur leaving the laptop at home & going to a party, then u can lock the laptop in a locker(I just hope he does not hack into the locker). These days u get lockers that require keys & a digital code inorder for you to open it. U also get lockers that wud open up only on face recognition or finger print recognition. So u can look into that option just to have ur computer frm not being hacked.

Nw the other part of ur problem where in lifestyle being diff frm ur husband's lifestyle. Well firstly why did u get married if u both had diff lifestyles. Nw tht u hav got married, then dont think of breaking ur marriage. Just wrk on things. Talk with ur husband. Wht u can do is for example, u can tell him that of the 7 days in a week, 5 days u both shud spend according to ur individual lifestyles. So u can have ur night out 5 days a week & he can have his peaceful life chilling out at home by himself 5 days a week. And the remaining 2 days u can spend it this way. That is 1 day, he should visit a party or disco with you & the other 1 day u wud actually spend it with him being at home.

Trust me this way he wud gain more trust in u and he wud not be so pocessive.

Pls do let me knw how was my amazing suggestion.

Thank you..
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Avatar_f_tn
Ok, this post is from 2007.  It's over a year old.   I bet this lady has moved on.  Why are all these old posts being brought back up?
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Avatar_m_tn
Oh Mayflowers, what makes u think that, that lady has moved on. Come on grow up. The article was posted only from the year 2007 not 1997 right. Listen ur speaking as if she is ur friend & u knw everything abt her personal life. She has not confirmed how has she moved on. Probably got a divorce or is she still with her husband. She has not confirmed anything out here. Probably maybe since her husband hacked her computer, he wud have changed her password to access this forum and she is no longer able to access it.

Anyways, Mayflowers, letz hope things r fine with u and her..

Have a nice weekend ahead...
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372900_tn?1315515902
It may have also been an oversight.  People read someone's question and have advice to offer and they don't even look at the date of when it was posted (especially if it's on a forum that isn't used very often and the post is within the first page or two).  I couldn't tell you how many times I've responded to a post and not look at the date and after I push post I notice it was from a year or two a go.  It's really not that serious.
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Avatar_f_tn
No it's not serious just strange to see post from 07.  
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Avatar_m_tn
Very true, this is my 5th day on this amazing forum..
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455859_tn?1233367388
Have u seen a perfesional together I no its hard but at least give it ur all if ur open 2 it and then u wont look back and wonder if u gave up 2 quick. I gave up quick and was lucky it worked out 4 the best we are now better then I ever imagined and im so glad I gave it another try because I dont think anyone could ever know me like he does were not perfect but its perfect 4 us if u can get through the tough stuff it will make ur bond that much stronger and u will appreciate one another so ooo much more wich leads to more respect just explain what u want and how ur feeling and then go from there. good luck and message me if u need anything I love 2 help
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Avatar_n_tn
you know im same thing too, to  my wife but the reason is she dont give me any attention. but anyway i already accept that and i have nothing to do with it.  she asian and we have one kid.    what  i can say  just give your husband a real love that not gonna force you to do it.  coz   for me the  real love is not gonna fade like just like  that.   real love is   the most  powerful  love.   but  if you just gonna  love him  coz  you just  feal like it thats  wrong  he  dont  deserve that.  1st of all why did you merry him if  you dont  love him.?   and  is  this  like this in the  beginning i  think your  husband  love  you alot  thats  why you  nead  to be thankful  for that coz  not all  men  now  adays is  like  him
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Avatar_f_tn
wait a min. hold the phone. what difference does it make what race you are? you are a child of God and the bible shuns divorce. and even more so suicide. "we never got along in the first place and fought all the time but in the heat of the moment i said yes i'll marry you" well when you said those vows you made a promise to everyone there including God. and since you don't want to get a divorce to shame your family and community you'd rather cause everyone who cares for you pain b/c you want to chicken out of a decison you made "in the heat of the moment". that's beyond selfish.
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Avatar_n_tn
I, too,am in loveless marriage.. 6 years now.  We dont communicate except maybe 20seconds or so out of the day.. my husband is unemployed and does the bare minimum around the house, most of his time is spent with the channel changer and his being horizontal on the sofa.  We have 2 young children and I am working a full time job.. most times, I come home on my lunch break and have to clean the house because if I dont do it, it wont get done.  I'm disgusted, havent had any relations in over 2 years with this person.  

Another annoying thing for me is that he's constantly 'ill' for one reason or another but wont go to a doctor... and I fully believe that if he gave up the alcohol, he'd be more motivated to do things.  Currently, he sleeps until noon or 1 pm.. then goes to sleep around 7 pm at night.. and then wakes up and is up until God knows what time.. He now has my children on his sleep schedule, staying up way too late.  I go to put them to bed, because I have to go to bed to get up for work.. I fall asleep, they wake up and he does nothing to help that situation. .. in fact, I think he likes it this way because if they stay up all night into the morning hours, then that co-insides with his schedule.. imagine me leaving to be at work at 8:30 am.. and them being up while he's sleeping til noon...?  He's very lazy.. and has no regard for what is right.  

We do nothing as a family.. we go nowhere and I havent had a damn vacation in over 7 years because we cant afford one.  He is collecting unemployment, and while I am earning **** wages at my job, he is always there to tell me he needs money from my **** earnings...($500 every two weeks).. before it arrives for this bill or that bill.  

I am not in love with him ..who could be in love with a lathargic couch potato with no ambition to anything but drink and watch tv all the time... no wonder nothing gets done around the house!  If he does decide to do laundry, he never puts the stuff away.. it's in piles and left for me to take care of.. He flat out ***** as a husband.  We live on separate floors of this house and well, divorce is not something I want to get into  I do not have enough earnings to pay for my own place alone.. nor do I wish to get into a custody battle...So, I will just wait until  one of us passes, that is what I'm relegated to.  

I am not interested in much anything anymore because of the way he treats this farce of a marriage.., except. I am constantly at work to figure out ways to make money so I can provide for my children.  I feel very inadequate as a mother because I cannot afford things for my children.  I scraped together money to pay for their health insurance coverage...because if I didnt do it, they'd have none.  He's useless.  He cant even fix a damn light switch and has it rigged up to where if you need to turn the light on you have to screw the bulb in.. so that means when you go to turn the light out  you have to touch a hot lightbulb.. (frickin great)  I get no real help....if something is broken or needs fixing.. it will stay that way forever.  his excuse is he grew up with dirt floors.. it's disgusting... and, so now, I'm taking something called Ultra Stress.. because that is what I seem to have. I can not change another person..nor can I be responsible for the actions of other people.. I can only remove myself from the situation.. we may as well already be divorced for all I care.
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Avatar_f_tn
I think you should leave him. You are obviously not happy and why spend your life unhappy with him? If he hacks into your computer, then he doesn't trust you. Just leave, he isn't the guy for you.
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996699_tn?1310036775
i think you need counseling and marriage counseling  ncuz theyr has to be something you fell for him for think back to those precious times tell him how you feel and try and go out with him and gain the love back  
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