I don't find my wife attractive

[Paulfisher12]

I have a problem and it isn't getting any better. About seven years ago, I met my wife and we began going out. I am American and my wife is from Europe (If that matters); the long and short of it is - my wife does not sure me on sexually. When we first started doing out, we would make out but I just didn't feel like having sex, it wasn't that I didn't want to have sex with a women, I did and still do. The problem I have is, it just is never her.

I know I have problems, and she is bad tempered and kind of flares upeasily, I just don't want to deal with her sometimes. So why did I marry her, well she had a lot of good qualities and to be honest I just thought the sex part of the relationship would work itself out, but I want sex but not with her. I do a lot of masturbating, but I am afraid I going to crack and try to pick up other women which I don't want to do.

I am confused and scared, I don't know why she does't turn me in. When we first met, she weighed 180 pounds and was 5"2. I was turned off by her obesity - but I could never say anything because she would flare up. I just don't know what to do with her, I think at the time we went out I was at a really low point in my life, I had been shafted by a couple of women I really wanted, but in reality I have been shy around women by whole life, and I settled because I didn't think I could do any better?

So why didn't she walk, well she got a green card out of the deal...so what do I do. I don't want to get this women and really screw up
my life and the kids. I am really depressed about this

thanks

[Paulfisher12]

I also know that some people find hot sex but find out they are with an airhead, or someone they cannot even have a conversation with - not good

[Paulfisher12]

Yes, i think that a lot of the reponses on here are weak and some are better than others, but at the end of the day what I do is my choice as it my choice to marry the women, just wish the passion was stronger

[specialmom]

I just don't get this, to be honest.  You'd be surprised how many people have marriages that lack passion.  Companionship is something that keeps a lot of folks together and loyalty.  You do not need passion for these.  Yeah, it is great to have the hot romantic sex but if you get along and are generally happy together, based on the history you give------  I think it would be a waste to throw a relationship away.  

Hey, I'm old fashioned.  Lots of people will tell someone to divorce---------  but ya know what, marriage is not suppose to be that way.  It is a commitment to make it work.  I wish more would see it that way verses a temporary thing until things get hard.  

You know the answer to your question about old age.  Those who take their bond seriously stay together.  If we live for the superficial things in life, we'll never find inner happiness.  Or it is fleeting at best.  Just like our looks.  Mother nature gets us all in the end and I know my husband will be right there by my side when I get there.  

[cheshchesh819]

Because when we find the one the person you know you can spend the rest of your life with growing old together is all you really wants,first there is the passion,the fun the making a family,working holidays,even the rows,but when it is the one you just know it and growing old together is just part of the package,its called unconditional love.

[Paulfisher12]

Last question, we all get old, to a lesser extent we loose are attractivness, so why don't all couples who loose their attractiveness just break up

[cheshchesh819]

i think it is,you only get one chance at life so be fair to you and your wife and more so be honest,good luck and if you need to talk message me,i have been where you are and came through it

[Paulfisher12]

Perhaps, but now it is time to face the music

[Aimar]

I just think you should just separate if there r no Kids involved you still have a chance to find someone that sutes your needs, expectations, a women that you feel proud to be with that you Love and desire etc. your wife deserves a man who want to to it and not feel like an obligation and viceversa the same to you.. Man need to feel attractive to their spouse... if u didtn feel attractive to her in the begening i dont think things will change. so try to ended in a clean way. like they say life is too short to be unhappy... your LIfe Your Desition.

[cheshchesh819]

Well i think you have answered your own question her,if a therapist cant help i think you know what has to be done,it is the only right thing to do for you and your wife,i do hope you try the help first but i really think you and your wife are done.

[Paulfisher12]

When I was a kid, my dad beat the crap of me and I was also mentally abused by both my mom and dad. I was also sexually humiliated by a psychiatrist. I was bullied in school.

I masturbated as am escape and I have a hard time stopping, I think I prefer the fantasy of having sex with a women to the real thing. I think  the fantasy is safer, but I can't get beyond it

[Paulfisher12]

No I really love women and defintely fantasize about other women, mind you I know how to act around women and I am very respectful, that is part of the problem.

[cheshchesh819]

It just seems to me that you lack the ability to be alone and discover who and what you are and what you want from life,this is probably due to your up bringing{not your fault}but i do think that if you maybe tried speaking to a councillor about your feelings this will help alot,sex is not dirty it is part of a married life,but if you cant bring yourself to do it with your wife then a bit of help might be needed,do you ever feel the urge around other woman or are you like this period.

[Paulfisher12]

In many ways we make excellent friends so why can't the romance part work too?

[Paulfisher12]

Yes I would say my life is perhaps better having her in it than out if - I just she is unhappy about the sex part and she may bolt and I am so afraid that if I don't please her in that department she is gone

[Paulfisher12]

Without a wife probably not. I am not a solitary creature

[cheshchesh819]

yes but what would life be like without your wife,could you be happy

[Paulfisher12]

Friends family security love stability pride and success

[Paulfisher12]

Life of course

[cheshchesh819]

heres a question,what do you want,really want,if it was life or death what would you choose to do.

[Paulfisher12]

I know their are a lot of women out there who don't like my posts and think that I am an a-hole for commenting on her body type. But let me tell you something, it is loose loose situation. One person asking, what do I want from women in general? Weird question, I am not looking for a harem, I don't view women as accessories, but I look for something that is good, solid and wondrful. And sex is a part of that, but I view as a piece of the larger pie. I know you have to work to keep the pie whole, but sometimes you feel like you are fighting a losing battle. One person says kick her to the curb, one says work on it - wish it were that simple

[Paulfisher12]

Yes, she does have redeeming qualities, but she has a lot of bad ones too

she wants sex at least twice a week, and I feel so much pressure, and it turnse off, it becomes mechanical and feels like a chore, that is what I do not like

[Paulfisher12]

I was raised in a home where sex was viewed as dirty, so perhaps I inadvertedly thought it didn't matter but it does. I come from a highly disfinctional family, I was very very very lonely and just wanted someone, anyone in my life to talk to to share with, someone who would listen, but it is not enough

[specialmom]

I think that since you knew how she looked and about your lack of attraction and still felt she was worth marrying, that you accept that you picked this type of relationship to tie yourself to.  I feel like if we walk into something with our eyes wide open that we then can not complain about it.  She must have some redeeming qualities------- focus on those.  good luck

[Paulfisher12]

No kids