I don't know how to handle this

[nalla]

For all of you that don't know my situation, I posted here a few days ago. (I don't want to explain the whole thing again)  It's a few posts down.
I'm not usually a person that whines and complains about my problems.  This is very weird for me to open up to all of you like this. But for those who posted to me, really gave me some comfort.  I'm not used to that.  I'm the one that gives comfort to others, not the other way around.
But anyway, I'm not sure how to live like this.  I don't know how to be just "friends" with my husband. When he gets home I always go up to him, hug and kiss him. We kiss randomly all through the day. We cuddle at night. I love holding hands, just being physical. (not just sex).  This has been how we have done things for so many years. When we get off the phone, when the other leaves for work or just going out etc, or before we fall asleep we always say " I love you". We would leave little notes for each other around the house saying silly little love things. etc etc.
Now I can't do any of that.  We were on the phone today, and for the first time in 10 years he  said "bye" to me and not "I love you". It broke my heart. I couldn't kiss him when he got home. I can't do any of those things that we have done for over 11 years.  Everyday we would act this way.  Now it's all just gone. How do I deal with this?  It hurts SO much.  It almost feels as if he were dead.
I don't mean to whine and complain about this to you all, but I have never been in this much pain emotionally before. (well other then when my son almost died).
He told me today that he/we will be going to therapy, but can't say for sure that divorce is out of the question.  He said he just doesn't know.  This came out of the blue.  Things have been going so great with us. There is no fighting. We have never really fought much. We are really good with communicating with each other. (of course we have the "normal" problems all married couples have).
I'm just so sad and don't know how to deal with this.  I have been keeping a journal, but that just makes me cry and feel worse.  And I'm not feeling well.  I'm sick to my stomach and really really dizzy ALL the time and I still have pain.
How do I act around him?  Do I show my sadness or hide it?  Do I talk with him about everyday things like normal?  Do I just act normal without the physical stuff? (not sex)  Do I avoid him as much as I can?  It hurts so much acting like everything is normal.  He came home today and was telling me about his day just like normal.  What do I do?
And it hurts just seeing him.  I can tell he is hurting and depressed.  I asked him last night on a scale 1-10, 1 being he doens't want to live anymore and 10 being the happiest he has ever been, where he is.  He said about a 2 or 3. That isn't just about me, but his life in general.  I feel selfish crying and being upset when he is also hurting.  He won't open up and tell me what's wrong.  There has been some things going on in the past few months that have been stressful.  He just seems like he is giving up.  I don't know.  I still feel there is something that I should have done different. I can't help but feel that I have failed as his wife and did something to make him stop loving me. I know in my head that that is not true, but my heart tells me something different.  I just wish there was something that I could do for him.

[stephni]

I understand what you want in this relationship. And I have been through something very similar. You just have to keep being strong. Life is full of obstacles, if love is true then it will find it's way around all the bends, and rocks, just like a river.
You just have to never give up, until the choice is not left unto you. That was my problem, I never give up, not on anything no matter how much i hurts me or makes me feel bad, or jeopardizes my happiness.

[nalla]

Thanks again.  Right now there has been a lot going on and a lot of talking and crying and more talking. No fighting thank God!!.  I don't have a lot of time right now, but just wanted to thank you all and let you know that I'm doing ok.
I will post an update either today or tomorrow.

And PEEK, if you are reading this, I wanted to thank you for calling Andi! :)

[Mertek]

I know your plate is full, and you most likely need him to help you with the children, but I think he should leave. Living with no contact outside of being friends isn't fair to you.

Let him get the counceling, he's just yo-yoing you on a string right now, and as great of a person as you are, that isn't fair.

Your children deserve to see the loving parents they had, with the kisses and the "i love you"s. And I am sure you have said as much to your husband.

I agree with peekawho too. I think his heart has made the decision. Marriage is for better and for worse, good time and bad. Your being sick should have no bearing on his feelings for you. I think there are three people in your marriage and it's more then just emotional.

[Happy2girls]

Please refer to my previous comment...Your husband sounds like a mirror image of mine those several years ago, even down to the dynamics between the two of you (we also were very affectionate, always hugging and kissing and holding hands).  All those mixed signals made it all the more shocking and painful when he had his "crisis".  That's why, for me, it became better after he got his own place.  It's great that you wil be getting yourself some counseling, that's very important, very important.   I honestly had to let go of the hope that our marriage would be saved and focus on building a different kind of life for my children and myself.  That takes time because there are so many emotions to go through included grieving the life you thought you had and the future you anticipated.  Keep your faith too, faith is such a gift. I spent countless nights in a 24/7 church praying and crying.  Just know, Nalla that you WILL be okay, no matter what happens.  God bess.

[peekawho]

You know, nalla...it sounds a little like he's already pulling away, or has already made a decsion and is either not sure how to break it to you, or is giving you time to adjust to his news before lowering the boom.

I know you say he's done nothing with this other woman...and I know this sounds very sneaky and untrusting...but have you checked his cell phone calls?  The credit card receipts?  You obviously know him very well....but men are capable of anything.  Even devout Christians.  Look at all the scandals that have gone on with prominent Christians cheating on their wives. It happens every single day.  And the wife is always shocked to discover these things.

I just am by nature suspicious, I suppose.  But I don't get this "not sure whether to go for counseling or a divorce" attitude.  If he's not deeply involved with someone else, why on earth would he not try to understand why he's suddenly lost his feelings for his wife of many years?  

I apologize in advance, but to me it sounds an awful lot like he's emotionally involved and (possibly) physically involved with  this other woman, and his heart has already made a decision.  But he feels guilty about you and the children.  

[nalla]

oopps, when I said this post is probably getting lost, I was thinking I was over at the maternal/child forum.   It's still early..... :)

[nalla]

Thanks guys!  I have offered support to women on here so many times, but I never thought I would need it myself.  I have asked questions about different things, but I have never really needed support.
David keeps going back and forth whether he wants a divorce or go to counceling.  But either way, I'm definatly going myself
Well I won't keep on going right now, this post has probably gotten lost on here

[peekawho]

PK said it perfectly.  Keep writing, Nalla.  It will help.  We're all here for you.  

[pertykitty]

nalla i have been trying to think of a great peice of advice but i have none.  nothing i can say will change him.  you are a great woman, and maybe he is at a fork in the road right now, just blinded and has forgotten what a great wife, mother and friend he has.  i hope life turns around soon and things can become more clear.  i have seen people have times in their marriage where it seemed hopeless, for whatever reason.  life is pretty stressful.  you know this isnt about you, its about him and his challenges.  that might not make you feel better, but to know that you have done nothing wrong.  im here for you as many are.  i hope tomarrow is a brighter day.

[bizeemom]

My computer's doing wierd things-I think I've posted this response in several forums...So, I'm not trying to repeat myself.  I just thought that things weren't connecting...

[bizeemom]

Nalla, it's me here.  I found you!!!   I'll wait to here from you personally...Nalla, if you are still there or check your e-mail, I'll send you the info about the book...Really, I want to send you one.  You have enough to do w/ the children and taking care of your husband.  That's one small thing that I can do to help!!!  

Also, I'm so proud of you.  I know that this time extremely difficult for you; to have him unload these feelings you never knew exsited and then to feel like everthing has changed after your discussion w/ him the other night.  What you are doing is right.  Remember the Footprints in the sand.  When we are weak He is strong.  I also think that God does that w/ us in our marriages.  You sound like God's already given you strength and insight to this whole situation.  Do continue to love and support him, and tell him that.  My husband and I say sometimes, "I'm really having a hard time liking you right now, but I do still love you."  He does love you otherwise he wouldn't have told you what he is going through but it is urgent to do something right now.  I'm going to call that friend of mine and send you her e-mail.    E-mail me if that is better.  Love in Christ  

[PlateletGal]

I would try to talk to him, as a friend. This would be a good chance to add that friendship aspect to your relationship. It sounds like this man is a little confused right now. If it doesn't get any better, then I would suggest seeking counseling; probably alone at first.

[Happy2girls]

I felt compelled to respond to you.  You sound just like me.  I can tell you are obviously a very sensitive person.  I can also tell that you love you husband very much.  Several years ago after the birth of my second child I noticed a change in my husband, he was withdrawn.  Finally I asked him if he stilled loved me and his answer hit me like a ton of bricks.  He said that he didn't know if he still loved me or even if he ever loved me.  He said he felt that maybe we were too young to marry and when I walked down the aisle he felt I was "univited".  From his point of view he was dragged unwilling into this union.  Of course, my recollections were different, I certainly did not feel that I pushed him ( I was not pregnant when we married), but that was how he felt.  This was an incredibly emotional time for both of us.  He was very confused and changed day to day in what he thought we should do depending on who he talked with.  It was pure hell living together after that not because we were bickering but because of the guilt we both felt for hurting the other (like you I loved him deeply and felt guilty he was stuck with me).  Finally after two sleepless months we agreed that we needed to live separately.  This was so hard I can not even put it into words.  Initially it was unbearable.  I spiralled into a clinical depression and I had two young girls to care for.  I was a stay at home Mom so the finacial issue also added to all the other worries.  The only thing I asked him was not to pursue a divorce until I was ready ( I needed time to adjust to this shock and hurt).  What I did to help myself at that point was I found a good therapist and a very good support group for Divorced/separated couples, I took anti-depressants for a short while to get out of the deep depression which was keeping me from giving my all to my kids.  I enlisted help from family to get the kids to him for visitation because it was too hard for me to go to his apartment initially.  He and I kept talking.  We were separated for 6 months when I told him I was ready for a divorce if that was his choice.  He said he was not ready.  He dated during this time as did I.  We were separated for 18 months when we decided that he would move back home.  That was several years ago and we are still together.  It's not perfect and we have issues, especially me with trust and security.  I guess my point in writing this is to let you know that you are not alone.  It is not your fault.  Your husband sounds very confused.  Your pain is natural.  Keep all of your options open.  It was me who said I felt we needed to live apart because it was to hard to live with him not knowing how he felt.  It was painful initially but I did feel better once the tension was gone from the house, I was able to sleep again and able to play with my children again.  I also think it may be good for you to find a support group in your area, they helped me so much I can't even say.  I will end this post by saying that I wish I could hug you and take away your pain.  God Bless and good luck.      

[wunabnorm]

Just be yourself nalla. Get your confidence back sista! Staying down is only going to make things worse, and somebody has to be the strong one. How bout it be you? Your husband will recognize your strength eventually, and hopefully appreciate it. Be your families backbone! Two words for you babe...CONFIDENCE & FAITH!!! You can do it!!!! ;)

[nalla]

I just wanted to let you know that nobody needs to respond to this post.  I'm feeling really embarressed about this now.  I was feeling down and felt like I needed to talk.  
I was just watching the news and there was a fire a few towns near here and this family lost two of their children in the fire.  I shouldn't be complaning about such things when there are so many other people out there that are experiancing real pain and heartache.  I should feel blessed that all my kids are healthy (for the most part, excluding my son, but that is different) and happy.  I have family and friends. We have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge.  There are so many others out there that are really suffering.  Watching that story about that poor family really put things into prespective for me.  I need to focus on what I do have and not what I don't have.