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I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore.
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I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore.

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, engaged for 2 and living together for about 1. From the day I started going out with him until now, I have never had the feeling of butterflies and there's never been any passion between us - we started our relationship having weekends away and having a laugh and we still have a laugh every day now. Hes my best friend and I love him very much, but we'd rather be sat in a pub somewhere having a chat than at home being intimate or being close etc. We don't argue and we have nothing to argue over so we're mostly quite happy just trundling through life and we look forward to the weekends when we usually rent a movie or have a bottle of wine etc.

However, I'm not attracted to him anymore and don't think I have been for most of our relationship but it's just becoming more apparant. We don't kiss unless it's a peck on the cheek and we sleep together about twice a month. He's also not very intelligent, which I don't wish to sound awful, but I have to explain a lot to him, sort out any problems with the house/car etc, sort the finances etc and it can sometimes feel like I'm speaking to a child. I ask for his advice and try and see if we can share some responsibilities but it ultimately comes down to me. I used to think this was quite sweet, then it annoyed me but I hoped he would learn a few things as he grew older but he hasn't so I still have to take control of every situation.

I've mentioned to him before that I'm not very happy with us anymore and think we may have fallen out of love but it's usually been when we've had a bit to drink and I feel brave enough, and the next day we don't speak about it. But I've been getting gradually more and more thinking, 'Is this really it for me now??!' At the same time, I do care for him a lot and think he's very sweet and cute and don't know how I could get used to a routine without him in it or not come home from work and want to talk to him about something.

I recently met someone when I was out on a girls night and oh my gosh I don't know what happened in my head but I can't stop thinking about him. Now I know you're probably thinking it's infatuation etc, but I don't really get attracted to other men normally as I have no interest and when I met this guy, I didn't look at him and think how attractive he was, I just thought wow I need to talk to him. It was weird. Then before I knew it, he was saying the same thing to me!! We only spent about half an hr together, he took my phone number but I've told him I can't meet him at all until I know in my head what I'm doing. I feel bad giving him my number but couldnt stand the thought of never seeing him again (even though I can't meet up with him anyway!)

Since then, I absolutely don't know what to do because it's just amplified my feelings ten-fold. This guy seems strong-minded, intelligent and as if he could actually support me emotionally, rather than someone I have to look after all the time. I think he'd actually listen to what I said instead of just losing interest halfway through a sentence! We clicked so much that I didn't even know it was possible and I just can't stop thinking about him.

I will not cheat on my boyfriend and I want to understand what it is I want and need so I can begin doing something about it either way. It isn't really about the new guy I've met because I'm not splitting up with or staying with my boyfriend depending on that, but it has just made me realise that there are men out there who I honestly think I'd be happier with (and therefore people who my boyfriend can be happier with too).

I just wonder if anyone has had the same experience and managed to fall back in love with their boyfriends/husbands? Or do you think he's just a good friend to me now?

And sorry this post is so long!
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3 Comments Post a Comment
1415482 tn?1459706314
It sounds to me like ur boyfriend and yourself are not compatiable but my question is why did you let the relationship continue so long until you two are even engaged now? It is going to be more difficult for the both of you now in terms of ending the relationship but as you know I am sure it has to be done. Continuing this relation will end up in you two tearing each down until the point where not even a friendship can be salvaged. The sight of him will sicken you and you will be unhappy because you know deep down that he is not the one for you.

I am happy to hear that you will not cheat on your boyfriend (sexually I assume) even though you have given this new man your number. What some men do not understand is tht women like to feel, they like excitement and they like sparks. Things have gotten so repetitive between you and ur fiance and you are now bored so someone new comes along and you feel some twinge of joy. I will not say it is infatuation but sometimes we overromanticize things in our heads and we end up disappointed.

If you are willing to give it a fair chance with the man you have with you then I would suggest changing the rountine and doing things differently, if you have done all you feel you can and your feelings are the same then break it off, do not marry this man it will end up in destruction and you will make each other crazy. Also converse with him...SOBER! Tell him how you truly feel and you both can make suggestions on how to do things differently.

You mentioned that he is not as advanced as you in terms of his knowledge of thingss and that you have to explain alot to him. Be patient with him and help him along chances are being with you he will be more motivated to work harder.

Best wishes!

Anna ~
Avatar f tn
If you want to break up with your bf because you met another guy, don't do it. But if you want to break up because you just don't see yourself with him and don't think the two of you are compatible, then go for it. Though as a word of warning, when someone leaves a relationship just to jump into a new one with a person they met while not being single, it usually does not end well and most of those relationships will fail.

Before you just give up on your relationship, why not sit down with him and have an open and honest discussion about your future together. Where do you see yourselves in 5 years? And also ask yourself some questions. Do you think the 2 of you are compatible? What do you want in a spouse? Does he have those qualities? No one is perfect and you will not find a perfect guy to be with. Everyone has flaws, including yourself. You have to remember that having a butterfly feeling will fade and is not very important to begin with. That feeling will fade as your love matures and you become more comfortable in the relationship. If you have thought through this all and still feel it is best to be single again, then you can break up. Though it is never a good idea to jump from one relationship to another. If you do break up, take some time to be single. Don't date and just learn from this past relationship. Then, months from now, you can look at dating again.

Good luck and hope it all goes well.
134578 tn?1463413330
Romantic thrills are great, but they aren't a way to judge the potential longevity of a relationship.  They don't last, for one thing.  A couple can have massive thrills in the beginning and never make it to the third year of a relationship.  

That said, you ask "do you think he's just a good friend to me now?"  I think he was just a good friend to you from the first, and though it hasn't gotten worse, it has never gotten any more romantic.  It almost sounds like you just sort of drifted into an engagement.  He'll probably always be a good friend to you, especially if you don't marry him and then start to have more active regrets because things aren't romantic, or if you begin to notice that other men look great and fill needs you aren't having filled by this guy.  

If the guy you're living with now is such a good and deserving guy, you're cheating him if you marry him.  He sounds like he deserves to be married to someone who finds him sexy, fun, exciting, and thrilling.  You can stay his friend, and watch approvingly from the sidelines when he goes head-over-heels for someone.  Freeing you both from this marriage of convenience will also allow you to find a better romantic partner.
1767107 tn?1313678819
Thanks guys.

We talked about it last night and I tried to explain the best I could. He said I owe it to him to try and make it work so that's what we're going to do for the time being and see how we go.

He's right and I do want to make it work but I'm just not feeling it at the moment which makes me feel so awful cos he's really trying. Maybe its a case of just pretending for the first few days and then I'll realise that I'm just being stupid. But if not, we've made an agreements that if it's not working out in a few weeks, we'll have to call it a day.

Why do matters of the heart have to be so complicated!!! It would be so much easier if we could just pick and choose our feelings.
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